March 30th 2007

U.S.
Anti-gay organizations are concerned with the direction this country is taking. They believe American is going gayer and the prove is that gorgeous Model Paulina Porizkova was eliminated from "Dancing With The Stars" but Sanjaya continued in American idol.

Rove
During the Radio and Television Correspondents' Association dinner, President Bush's political adviser Karl Rove participated in an improvised rap song. He immediately received a phone call to be part of the Mafia, the "Three Six Mafia".

During the Radio and Television Correspondents' Association dinner, President Bush's political adviser Karl Rove participated in an improvised rap song. He got the Gansta part already nailed.

March 29th 2007

Bush
President Bush once again backed Alberto Gonzales and said there was nothing political behind the firing of New Mexico prosecutor Iglesias and that he’d rather listen to Iglesias’ son Enrique.

Pelosi
At a press conference yesterday, Speaker Nancy Pelosi told president Bush to calm down with the threats because there are new faces in congress, specially hers after the 20th botox injection.

American Idol
Some people believe it must have been the Mohawk that saved contestant Sanjaya Malakar from making the bottom three on American Idol Wednesday night and make him continue one more week in the show. Today some people in Washington DC spotted Alberto Gonzales at a hair salon.

American idol contestant Sanjaya survived one more week in the competition after his Wednesday’ performance wearing a Mohawk. Native-Americans offer to return all the Casinos if Sanjaya doesn’t wear a Mohawk anymore.

Cough
16-year-old girl from Hawaii was ordered off a Continental Airlines flight after she began uncontrollably coughing in her seat, according to her family and classmates. What people do not know is that she had diarrhea so every time she’d cough she would........

Toad
An environmental group said Tuesday that it had captured a "monster" toad the size of a small dog. Apparently when you kiss it you get a prince of the size of Shakille O’ Neal.

An environmental group said Tuesday that it had captured a "monster" toad the size of a small dog. The toad was so big, Snoop Doggy Dog and his entire crew can get high by licking it.

Karl Rove
During the Radio and Television Correspondents' Association dinner, President Bush's political adviser Karl Rove participated in an improvised rap song. Rove couldn’t avoid it and dropped the N word several times: Nancy Pelosi.

During the Radio and Television Correspondents' Association dinner, President Bush's political adviser Karl Rove participated in an improvised rap song. He refused at first and pleaded the fifth.

During the Radio and Television Correspondents' Association dinner, President Bush's political adviser Karl Rove participated in an improvised rap song. He immediately received a phone call to be part of the Mafia, the "Three Six Mafia".

March 28th 2007

Dog
A woman who choked on a piece fruit believes her dog Toby saved her life when he tried to perform the Heimlich maneuver on her. Unfortunately for her Toby was not that smart, he was just humping her chest.

British
Iranian state TV showed video Wednesday of the 15 British sailors and marines who were seized last week in Iraqi water. British people were shocked when they saw the video because Blair never told them they had sent so many people to Iraq.

Global Warming
According to scientist Global warming could leave a great part of the planet under water. Al Gore is working hard to get some tires around his waist to be able to float.

Britney
Britney Spears reportedly lost 10 pounds while in rehab. She is expected to gain all the weight back when her hair grows again.

Immigration
Almost 100 Haitian migrants arrived in South Florida after a dangerous journey on the water. They will be held by Immigration and Customs Enforcement and probably send back to Haiti because Haitians suck at baseball.

Pelosi
At a press conference today, Speaker Nancy Pelosi told president Bush to calm down with the threats because there’s a new congress in town. I just wonder if she would dare say the same to Dick Cheney.

March 27th 2007

Alberto Gonzales
Americans overwhelmingly support a congressional investigation into White House involvement in the firing of eight U.S. attorneys, because when it comes to firing lawyers we all want to know who to congratulate.

Gonzales’ aide said she is sorry she pleaded the fifth in the case surrounding the justice department. She said it was all a mistake; apparently Gonzales sent a note asking her to join him in the Fifth, but he meant the 5 de mayo celebration no the fifth amendment.

Webb
Sen. Jim Webb said Tuesday that he did not give staffer Phillip Thompson the pistol whose possession got the aide arrested Monday when he tried to enter the Russell Senate office building. Webb added that he is not insane and that he would never enter Capitol Hill unarmed.

DiWinslet
Titanic stars Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet are set to reunite on the big screen again. They both want to show their acting range in a totally different movie: "The Hindenburg".

Freaky
A 22-year-old woman claims she has a well-formed nipple surrounded by areola and hair on her left foot. I do not want to brag but my grandma has both nipples around her feet.

Soccer
A soccer referee was kidnapped in Argentina. The bandits requested a fortune and threatened to release the referee if soccer fans do not pay the ransom in time.

Technology
One out of three Americans do not have internet access at home, they just steal it from the neighbors though .

A U.K- based company has designed a one million-dollar laptop. The laptop has 128GB of solid state disk space, Blu-ray, and a detachable rare diamond that comes in handy when your wife catches you watching porn.

March 26th 2007

Elton John
Former US President Bill Clinton paid warm tribute to Elton John during Elton's 60th birthday bash at Madison Square Garden. Clinton welcomed Sir Elton to the '60-year-olds' club'. Unfortunately for the rock star, his wig was too young to be admitted in the club.

Former US President Bill Clinton paid warm tribute to Elton John during Elton's 60th birthday bash at Madison Square Garden. People cheered when Bill showed up on stage and commented that Hilary looked presidential next to him, unfortunately the one next to Clinton was Elton John.

XXX
A vote on the .xxx domain Internet address could be voted on next week. All pornographic web sites would be given the domain. From now onwards, Doc Com sites will have less hits than Britney Spears after she went bald.

A vote on the .xxx domain Internet address could be voted on next week. All pornographic web sites would be given the domain. From now onwards, Doc Com sites will have less visitors than Alberto Gonzales.

Katie Couric
Katie Couric on 60 MINUTES aggressively questioned John and Elizabeth Edwards after the announcement that Mrs. Edwards had cancer and that he would stay in the race. In an attempt to change the course of the conversation Edwards opened his bag and started applying lipstick.

Jealous Wife
A Brazilian woman was convicted of stabbing, chopping, frying her husband and serve him as food to some people. The police doesn’t know the cause yet, however the fact that all the female neighbors were familiar with the taste of the food gave them a clue.

Sheep
Scientists have created a sheep that is 15 percent human giving farmers a legitimate excuse when they are caught by their wives.

March 25th 2007

Crying Girl
Reporters believed a crying little girl planted by the producers of American Idol helped Sanjaya, one of the worst contestants of the show, to remain in the competition. Expect the same crying girl at every Alberto Gonzales’ future press conference.

The list of Republicans that want Attorney General Alberto Gonzales to resign keeps growing. It is like the show "Dancing with the Stars" but instead of a leg, they all want a head flying off.

McCain
Sen. John McCain said his presidential campaign would not meet its fundraising goals this quarter, and admitted that Mitt Romney may wind up raising more. McCain said he is going to use some of Rommey’s successful techniques; he then put on a black suit, grab the bible and went door to door to ask for money.

Pet Food
At least eight pets have died in New York City - and hundreds more have been treated - in the wake of the massive poisoned pet-food scare. The FBI thinks this is the rebirth of the West Side-East Side war and sees Snoop Doggy Dog as the main suspect.

Pet owners were rechecking their cabinets and threatening legal action after state officials said rat poison was found in pet food blamed for the deaths of at least 16 cats and dogs. According to the Bush Administration it is a clear TerrierIST attack.

Rat poison was found in pet food blamed for the deaths of at least 16 cats and dogs. In a written statement, Snoop Doggy Dog’s agent assured the rapper’s fan he is fine.

March 23rd 2007

White House
There’s new evidence that Bush doesn’t want Karl Rove and Harriet Miers to talk. Bush offered them to be guests for "The View".

Edwards
Former Senator John Edwards announced his presidential campaign will go on. Apparently Edwards was going to drop from the presidential race because of the cancerous boob, but decided to ignore Ann Coulter.

Prison Idol
According to TMZ.com, an Arizona prison is offering its own American Idol-like competition. Most of the competitors have singing experience as they have all participated in American Idol before.

According to TMZ.com, an Arizona prison is offering its own American Idol-like competition.
The Maricopa County Sheriff's Office said that Rocker Alice Cooper is expected to judge today’s finals but he is expecting news about two other new judges: Tony LaRussa and Vivica Fox.

Rats
South African police said on Thursday that they had impounded 11 old cars after receiving complaints that giant rats nesting in the vehicles were attacking pedestrians. Apparently the rats were driving around after dinner at Taco Bell.

March 22nd 2007

Al Gore
During his appearance before congress, former Vice president Al Gore said that the planet has a fever. He might be right, every time Gore pontificates about global warming people feel like they have a thermometer up their butts.

Yesterday, several congressmen told Al Gore that he has given them hope again. Among those who said Gore has given them hope again: Crispy Cream’s and KFC’s CEOs.

Grand Canyon
Visitors to the Grand Canyon now have two dizzying new options: A glass-bottom observation deck allowing them to gaze into the 4,400 feet chasm beneath them. Or a fantastic view from the bottom to see who visits the observation deck Britney Style.

American Idol
Several web sources revealed that a crying little girl that was shown by the cameras in some of the performances of American Idol was planted by the producers of the show. Law experts agree she has a great future as a judge in Florida.

Last night America was surprised he survived one more week despite of the fact that everybody agrees he doesn’t deserve to be in such a top position. But enough about Alberto Gonzales.

Gonzales
Alberto Gonzales invited some Republicans who have been decidedly unhappy with how he handled the US Attorney mess to have lunch with him. In the end, everybody Gonzales’ guest agreed those spinach peanut butter sandwiches were delicious.

NBC
News Corp. and NBC Universal plan to announce as early as today that they are creating an online video site to compete with YouTube, the Los Angeles Times reported. Apparently NBC’s TV shows are going to be ignored there too.

Fertility Clinic
A couple can proceed with a lawsuit against a fertility clinic they filed after the wife gave birth to a daughter whose skin they thought was too dark to be their child, a judge has ruled. Obama’s parents might follow the example and sue their fertility clinic because their son was too white.

Britney
Britney Spears was released from the Promises rehab clinic in Malibu on Tuesday. She already received an offer to be part of the show "Where are they Now?" -a show about her kids.

March 21st 2007

Gore
Former vice president Al Gore testified today before House panels about climate change and global warming. It was the first time Republicans felt identified with Gore, if there’s someone that knows about climate change inside congress that is the Republican Party specially after they lost the last elections.

American Idol
Michael Jackson is rumored to perform in a future episode of American Idol. According to some rumors MJs favorite American Idol contestant is Melinda "Doolittle."

Due to his departure from strictly Christian music, some fans of "American Idol" finalist Chris Sligh are questioning his faith. His love for pastries is unquestionable though...

White House
The White House offered to arrange questions to Rove, Miers, and other white house officials only if they are conducted without the need for an oath, transcript, subsequent testimony, or the subsequent issuance of subpoenas. It’ll be the second all-way-tie show since Jeopardy, only this time we all lose.

Students
According to a survey by Columbia University half of all college students binge drink or take drugs. The survey also determined that half of all college students are pursuing a political career.

Bally Fitness
Bally Fitness Centers lost half its share value on Wall Street Friday as the company teetered on bankruptcy. According to Bally Fitness CEO this is part of their new fitness program they strip you off your money so you cannot buy any food.

Trash
Americans generate about 472 billion pounds of trash every year. And that is only from one TV network.

Resume
According to a survey of business execs by Accountemps, you don't have to stick to the old rule of "keep your resume to one page" anymore. Unfortunately Barak Obama still doesn’t have enough material to fill two pages when it comes to experience to run for president.

Cheney
Dick Cheney is back in the hospital after feeling discomfort in one of his legs. He is really worried that even his arthritis is telling him global warming exists.

K-Fed
Kevin Federline, soon-to-be Britney Spears’ ex-husband, has launched his own search engine. So far he’s been unable to find his kids or Britney’s underwear though.

March 20th 2007

Iraq
President Bush on Monday pleaded for more patience in the Iraq war. He said they finally developed an exit strategy for the Iraq war: the 2008 elections.

The fourth anniversary of the war in Iraq brought thousands of anti-war marchers into the streets of the major cities in the country for largely peaceful protests over the weekend. Or as Dick Cheney calls it: March Madness.

Dancing with the stars
Heather Mills made her debut on "Dancing with the Stars" last night. Never a fall was wished so much since the Berlin wall.

Heather Mills made her debut on "Dancing with the Stars" last night. I do not think it was a coincidence the judges’ scores were 6-6-6.

Airbus
The world's largest passenger plane, the Airbus A380, made its debut in the United States on Monday. Apparently they needed a big plane to pick all the attorneys fired by the Bush administration.

The world's largest passenger plane, the Airbus A380, made its debut in the United States on Monday. The plane can accommodate 555 passengers or just 100 fat Americans.

Stamps
On May 14th, stamps will go up to 41 cents, up from 39 cents now. Apparently now terrorists will be forced to deliver the anthrax themselves.

Replacement
The White House has begun seeking a possible successor to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Apparently they are planning to drive by Home Depot to get another Latino to keep the quota.

Distraction
A new study from the University of North Carolina at Greensboro shows that the average person only pays attention about 70% of the time. Bla bla bla... bla bla... I got 30% chances you already got distracted by the time you read the punch line so.......

Painting
A U.S. collector who bought an Andy Warhol portrait of Marilyn Monroe in 1962 for $250 is offering the painting for sale in May and can expect to fetch over $15 million, auctioneers Christie's said on Monday. He got tons of offers mostly from people who thought it was the latest Anna Nicole Smith’s picture.

Afghanistan
According to Armed Forces Minister Adam Ingram, Afghanistan bombings more than tripled last year. The only known case of such a fast increase in bombing is NBC programming.

March 19th 2007

White House
White House said Monday, "We hope he stays" "we are going to work hard for that to happen." Unfortunately for Alberto Gonzales Tony Snow was talking about Sanjaya, from American Idol.

Iraq
According to a poll by Opinion Research Business, only 27% of Iraqis think there is a civil war in Iraq. The other 73 percent could not hear the question because of the noise of the explosions in the background.

Al Gore
Some global warming critics believe Al Gore is no expert to talk about global warming because he got a D in science when he studied in Harvard. To be fair with the former vice president he also got an A in PE class and I think it is clear he is not an expert in exercising.

Anna Nicole
A movie about the life of Anna Nicole Smith goes into production next week. The company is in the process of casting the male roles in the movie so they expect to visit several retiring homes in Hollywood.

Larry King
Larry King had surgery this past Friday. According to the doctors they removed a plaque from the carotid arteries in his neck and also a pair of suspenders.

Britney
The "National Ledger" claims that Britney is dating Justin Timberlake again because Britney has been sneaking off to a closet at the rehab clinic to make countless phone calls to somebody named "Justin". Apparently the magazine got it all wrong and "Justin" is the name of the Pizzeria around the corner.

March 18th 2007

Iraq
The Bush administration confessed they finally found a solution to improve the situation in Iraq just when this Tuesday the war in Iraq turns 4 years old. Bush said they are trying to convince Angelina Jolie to adopt it.

According to Opinion Research Business 1 in 4 Iraqis complained they have had a family member murdered. The other 3 did not complain because it was their mother in law.

Khalid Sheikh
Al-Qaeda mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed told a U.S. military tribunal he was responsible for the 9/11 operation, the beheading of Daniel Pearl, the assassination attempt against Pope John Paul II, and other shootings including several porn movies under the name of Ron Jeremy.

Britney
According to media reports Britney Spears is dating a rock musician while she is in a rehabilitation facility. Apparently the pop star doesn’t want the media to cover the story because she is afraid her new boyfriend will find out she is not Mobby.

Chat
Hillary Clinton is holding weekly chats on her website where people can go and ask questions to the presidential candidate. Apparently if you visit the chatroom with a fake political affiliation you might end up in the TV show called "Catch a Republican"

March 15th 2007

Anthrax
The white powder in an envelope discovered Wednesday at the national headquarters of Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards did not contain anthrax. According to Fox News it was just Edwards’ powder base makeup.

Stocks
Stocks plunged Tuesday, driving the Dow Jones industrials down more than 240 points in their second-biggest drop of the year. Economists believe the Bush Administration won’t let a third big fall happen, they’ll have Scooter Libby taking it instead.

Hurricane
The National Weather Service confirmed that a hurricane hit several parts of the country. Apparently Hurricane Gonzales has so far taken the lives of 8 attorneys.

Sleeping Pills
All prescription sleeping pills may sometimes cause sleep-driving, federal health officials warned Wednesday. Apparently those who take sleeping pills might not remember waking up in the middle of the night and go for a drive…. and visit a strip bar to receive a lap dance from Lulu, sorry, I added the last part.

World’s Population
The world's population is poised to reach 9.2 billion in 2050, with growth mainly in the developing nations. The growth population in the U.S was expected to decline but will remain steady thanks to Angelina Jolie

Pizza
A New York restaurant has started offering a 1,000-dollar pizza. The Bellissima Luxury Pizza is piled with lashings of caviar, fresh lobster, wasabi and apparently tons of weird tasting oregano.

Chiquita
Chiquita Brands International agreed to pay a $25 million fine after they admitted to doing business with a Terrorist Organization. Apparently we finally found out what Sadaam Hussein was hiding inside those undergarments.

Discounts
A brothel is cashing in by offering senior citizens 50% off discounts every afternoon. Apparently the bordello makes most of its profit by selling senior citizens memory pills so they can remember they good time they just had.

Humor Well
A new study finds the worse a person's sense of humor is, the shorter his life may be. Shoot, I’d better have a good punchline or I’ll die soon.

Smoking
A new study says that quick walks may help smokers quit. Well running definitely helped Obama.

Pi
Yesterday, fans of the number pi (3.14) gathered at MIT to celebrate their obsession with March 14th, which they call Pi Day. It’s not like they had to cancel a date or something.

March 14th 2007

Immigration
During his visit to Mexico, President Bush ensured Mexican president Vicente Calderon he’ll work hard on a comprehensive immigration reform. Bush said for now, he’ll need more or less 20 000 Mexicans, depending how much money congress agrees to give him.

During his visit to Mexico, President Bush ensured Mexican president Vicente Calderon he’ll work hard on a comprehensive immigration reform that will provide Latinos with jobs in the U.S. All of a sudden Attorney General Alberto Gonzales felt a little better.

Immigrant rights activists from Los Angeles say they plan a boycott on May 1st in which many immigrants passed on work and school to protest for unfair immigration proposals. They believe this idea will have much more support among Americans that the last massive marches because Americans would rather not go to work than walk.

Immoral
In a written statement, Peter Pace, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, did not apologize for voicing his belief that homosexual acts are "immoral. In the same statement he welcomed to the pentagon 2 new members just promoted: General Isaac Washington and General Tim Hardaway.


YouTube
Viacom is suing YouTube for $1 billion. The media conglomerate said that if the video sharing service doesn’t pay, Viacom will flood YouTube with videos of CBS News with Katie Couric.

Obesity
Obese men are 42% less likely to kill themselves than other men. Apparently it is hard to shoot yourself when you are holding donuts in each hand.

Market
The market experienced a second big drop yesterday. Experts, who said the first plunge was just normal, said that now they will have to pay close attention to future market activities because the market is not a “One Hit Wonder” anymore.

According to experts, the market dropped sharply yesterday because new foreclosures surged to a record high as borrowers had trouble keeping up with their monthly payments. If we add now that some of them lost money in the market I guess this is going to be a never ending cycle.

March 13th 2007

Viacom
Media conglomerate Viacom Inc. sued Google Inc. and its Internet video-sharing site YouTube for more than $1 billion on Tuesday. Viacom believes that the 30 second unothorized clips display in YouTube hurt the company because 30 seconds is exactly what people need to realize their programs suck.

George H.W. Bush
Former President George H.W. Bush collapsed during a golf outing in Palm Springs and was given mouth-to-mouth resuscitation by a male friend of his. Marine Gen. Peter Pace immediately suggested that the former president return all the war medals he was awarded.

Cheney
Dick Cheney said Monday that members of Congress that pursue the slow bleeding anti-war strategy are not supporting the troops. The vice president said that the Bush administration has already worked on a plan to counteract the slow bleeding strategy: a giant tampon.

Invasion
Border Patrol agents stationed in Sonoita stepped on the Mexican side of the border when trying to extinguish a fire that started on the U.S. side and quickly spread into Mexico. The Mexican embassy complained immediately, not because of the short invasion, but because they think Lou Dobbs was trying to set Mexico on fire.

Britney
According to the “New York Daily News"a video and pictures of Britney Spears got magazines bidding up to $150 000. Everybody would think a price tag so high would involve a video of Britney doing drugs or having sex but instead it is just a rare video of Britney taking care of her kids.

Prolific
An Avondale, Ohio, man convicted of attempted theft told the court he is the expectant father of six children with six different women. He received an honorary NBA title.

Job Surge
The U.S. added 97,000 jobs in February. Unfortunately, most of them were reporters hired to cover the Anna Nicole Smith's case

Ethanol
The United States agreed to cooperate on spreading biofuel use with Brazil, a huge producer of ethanol from sugar cane. Experts believe ethanol from sugar cane will help lower the price of gas but in fat America it will increase the gas siphon theft though.

March 12th 2007

Daylight Saving
This Sunday morning Americans had to move their clocks forward 1 hour. Rapper Flavor Flav has not finished yet.

Due to Daylight-saving, this past Sunday only had 23 hours thus only 23 new people launch their candidacy for president of the U.S.

Vegas Debate
Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards is refusing to participate in a debate broadcast on the FOX News Channel because the channel is known for its conservative bias. Fox President Roger Ailes said he doesn’t understand the former Senator because Fox was willing to treat Edwards “Fairy and Balanced”

Nevada democrats are pulling out of a Fox News co-sponsored debate that was set to take place in August. Fox President Roger Ailes said that the party’s decision of pulling out of the debate emboldens the terrorists like Keith Olberman.

Osama
Osama Bin Laden turned 50 last Saturday. Apparently he did not get many presents; most of them were sent to Obama by mistake

Osama Bin Laden turned 50 last Saturday. He had a big cake and blew 50 suicide bombers.

Osama Bin Laden turned 50 last Saturday. He was registered at Target.

Giuliani
Some conservatives believe a 1989 video of Rudy Giuliani asking for public funding to support abortion might hurt his presidential aspiration. Asked by reporters during a fundraiser, Giuliani said that is not fair to be judged by an old video and then continued showing the tapes of 9/11.

Honesty
A new Associated Press-Ipsos poll says 55 percent of those surveyed consider honesty, integrity and other values of character the most important qualities they look for in a presidential candidate. The other 45 percent are running for office.

James Brown
James Brown, who died in Atlanta at the age of 73, was laid to rest this Saturday at the age of 75.

Legendary singer James Brown, who died on Christmas day, finally was laid to rest Saturday. Just like the grandma’s present that you get for Xmas and bury a couple of months later.

Surgery
Last year, Americans had almost 11.5 million cosmetic procedures and that was only between Nancy Pelosi and Kenny Rogers.

Global Warming
Global warming experts say that in a couple of decades, millions of people won't have enough water. I guess we will have to drink our vodka without ice then.

March 8th 2007

Obama
Democratic Sen. Barack Obama took care of some unfinished business at Harvard University -- paying about $400 in parking fines dating back to his days as a law student. Obama said he is able to do it now because quitting smoking lets him save a lot of money.

Mega Millions
The British tabloids say Heather Mills might settle with Paul McCartney for almost $ 20 000 a day in spousal support. I think we found the second person that hit the lottery yesterday.

Myspace
Connecticut lawmakers unveiled legislation Wednesday that would require MySpace.com and other social-networking sites to verify users' ages. Apparently perverts were tired to set up meetings with their kid of their dreams and having old pervs like them showing up instead.

Naomi
Naomi Campbell will have to wear an orange safety vest while mopping floors as a part as part of her punishment for assaulting her maid with a mobile phone. The supermodel was shocked, not so much for the mopping but because orange is so out of fashion.

McDonalds
McDonald's is set to introduce its biggest-ever burger: the "Third Pounder. Food critics already gave it two strokes up

Bush
Bush is visiting several South and Central American countries to emphasize U.S. programs of health care, housing aid and job creation for the poor. It seems the president keeps the same strategy he is using in Iraq; If we don’t fight them there we will have to fight them here

March 7th 2007

Cheney
Dick Cheney has been diagnosed with a blood clot in his left leg. The vice president was not surprised about it and said he always knew the left was going to try to kill him.

Walter Reed Scandal
President Bush named Bob Dole as one of the persons in charge of investigating problems at Walter Reed Army Medical Center. Because there’s nothing that a wounded, neglected soldier needs more than a bottle of Viagra.

Fox News has been trying to spin the Walter Reed scandal. Now they are saying it is a plan of the Bush administration to mistreat the wounded soldiers so the soldiers get better at avoiding getting hurt while in combat.

Sales of the magnets and bumper stickers in the shape of yellow ribbons with the slogan "Support Our Troops" have dropped to 4,000 a month from 1.2 million. The Bush administration suggested using the unsold bumper stickers as cockroach glue traps at the Walter Reed medical Center.

President Bush has named Democrat Donna Shalala and Republican Bob Dole to head a commission to investigate problems at Walter Reed Army Medical Center. The president said he believes it is fair that both parties have the chance to screw soldiers equally.

Northwest employee
An off-duty Northwest Airlines employee was arrested after a woman on a flight from Seattle complained that the man had ejaculated on her. The CEO of Northwest Airlines was furious and asked for an immediate discharge but later had to clarify that he meant resignation.

Scooter Libby
Former White House aide I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby has been found guilty on four of five counts in his perjury and obstruction of justice trial. He already secured a job in the penitentiary as the official prison rat.

Former White House aide I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby was convicted Yesterday of obstruction, perjury and lying to the FBI in an investigation into the leak of a CIA operative's identity. Wouldn't it have been faired that Bob Novak had gotten the exclusive on the verdict?

March 6th 2007

Scooter Libby
Former White House aide I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby has been found guilty on four of five counts in his perjury and obstruction of justice trial. He could be sentenced to 25 years in prison and by the time he leaves jail, Scooter won’t only be his knickname but also probably his way of transportation.

Former White House aide I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby was convicted Tuesday of obstruction, perjury and lying to the FBI in an investigation into the leak of a CIA operative's identity. Unfortunately the verdict was almost ignored by the mainstream media because the judge didn’t cry when he read it.

John Edwards
During an interview, presidential candidate John Edwards said that Jesus would be appalled with American selfishness. He had to repeat the statement several times because the reporter didn’t understand due to the echo produced by his 29,000 square foot house.

Democratic presidential hopeful John Edwards says Jesus would be appalled at how the United States has ignored the plight of the suffering. Jesus would roll over in his grave, but according to the Discovery Channel he can’t because he was buried in a very small box.

Cheney Thrombosis
Vice President Dick Cheney has just been diagnosed with a blood clot in his leg, a disease that kills approximately 60,000 Americans every year, almost as many as Cheney.

Vice President Dick Cheney has just been diagnosed with a blood clot in his leg. Congressional Democrats suggested he should be taken to the Walter Reed hospital, but they are afraid he could be taken for cockroach.

Media Coverage
According to a recent study last Friday, Fox News featured only 10 references to the Walter Reed scandal compared to 121 of Anna Nicole. Fox promised to correct that as long as they changed their name to the Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears Medical Center.

March 5th 2007

Airtime
According to the Tyndall Report, TV networks are giving the 2008 campaign more airtime than in any other previous presidential campaign. Various TV shows air giving candidates TV exposure: Obama and McCain were interviewed by Meet The Press, Giuliani participated in the Larry King show, and Hilary showed up in the TV show Cheaters.

Democrats
Hillary Clinton and Barak Obama were on the campaign trail, speaking in Alabama churches just three streets apart. When Hillary faked a southern accent people stood up and applauded. Obama got the same reaction when he faked the black accent.

Newt Gingrich
During the CPAC convention, former Speaker of the U.S. House, Newt Gingrich said that the victims of New Orleans couldn’t get out of the way of the Hurricane because they were uneducated. We all hope there’s never a hurricane heading to the White House then.

Married with Children
According to a recent study, married couples with children now occupy fewer than one in every four households in America. So how is it possible that I always get the couple with children sitting behind me on the plane?

Anna Nicole
More than 100 people said goodbye to Anna Nicole Smith at a Bahamas church. People walked around with collection plates, not to get donations but rather DNA samples.

Ann Coulter
During a conservative convention in Washington, political pundit Ann Coulter said she was afraid she was going to be sent to rehab for using the word "Faggot" describing John Edwards. Apparently Coulter hates rehab because she knows there’s no way on earth a sober person would have sex with her.

Michael Jakson
Michael Jackson arrived in Japan on Sunday to host an exclusive party where admirers pay $3,500 to spend 30 seconds with the pop icon. Jakson was happy with his popularity in Japan; apparently he raised enough money for two and a half settlements.

March 4th 2007

FEMA
President Bush visited residents of Alabama and Georgia who survived killer tornadoes that ripped through those cities. The president promised immediate help and said that this time FEMA has hired Jetblue for a quicker response.

Late
During a press conference Peruvian president Alan García launched a campaign to combat the chronic lateness that pervades its society. Unfortunately none of the journalists invited arrived in time.

Heather Mills
Heather Mills said she is not scared her prosthetic leg would fall off during the dancing competition because she’ll be sure to screw it tight... and if there’s someone that knows how to screw that’d be Heather Mills.

Energy
Another vice president has been accused of over expending energy. Apparently after Republicans lost both houses Dick Cheney has been running a huge bill in batteries for his bypass.

NASCAR
This weekend NASCAR staged its third race in Mexico City. The race was really emotional for some of the drivers, Juan Pablo Montoya put 1.2 second on the clock to hit the bathroom after a glass of tab water.

This weekend NASCAR staged its third race in Mexico City. It became dangerous though, as it was impossible for security to stop spectators from jumping the fence that separate the stands and the track.

Lawyers
Seven U.S. Attorneys fired by The White House believed that the decision was politically motivated and are pressing for an explanation. The Bush administration was shocked about the lawyers’ reaction and said that next time they will let Cheney take care of them so they would end up apologizing.

March 2nd 2007

Walter Reed
The General at Walter Reed military hospital has been relieved of command after allegations that an outpatient center, used to treat veterans from Afghanistan and Iraq, was a hotbed for roach and mice infestation. Fortunately for the General he was immediately hired as a manager for Taco Bell in New York.

A general in charge of the US Army's Walter Reed Medical Center was relieved of command Thursday for neglecting convalescing soldiers. In a written statement the general made clear he was too busy trying to get contracts for the handicapped soldiers to participate in "Dancing with the Stars."

Anna Nicole
Today about 300 people will attend Anna Nicole Smith’s funeral service at a Baptist church in the Bahamas: the priest and 299 guys claiming to be the father of Anna’s baby.

Cold Remedies
According to a group of leading pediatricians, cold remedies put children at risk, especially because if the kids recover they have to go to school and can end up having sex with their teachers.

Risky Business
Deborah J. Palfrey, a woman accused of running a prostitution service in the Washington area, said she is considering selling phone records of about 10,000 clients to raise money for her defense. Reservations in the Rehab Centers of the area are already flying off the shelves.

Deborah J. Palfrey, a woman accused of running a prostitution service in the Washington area, said she is considering selling phone records of about 10,000 clients to raise money for her defense. As a consequence, it is expected that the number of presidential candidates will drop dramatically.

March 1st 2007

Giuliani
A video of presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani is circulating on the web promoting an upcoming documentary about his life. The video shows the former mayor of New York wearing female clothes. Democrats said the video instead of helping them might hurt their chances in the elections, especially because Giuliani in female clothes looks hotter than Hilary.

Osama
A senior Taliban commander says Osama bin Laden is alive and in contact with leaders of Afghanistan’s Taliban insurgents. Apparently Osama has been complaining that nobody sends him cigarettes anymore because everybody believes he quit smoking.

Health Inspector
The health inspector who gave a passing grade to the rat-infested KFC-Taco Bell in Manhattan was let go. He received 2 job offers immediately to work as inspector for spinach farm growers and several peanut butter makers plants.

Stock Market
Last Tuesday the Dow Jones was down 500 points. Actually 400 points, the one that was down 500 points was Dennis Kucinich in the latest Democratic polls.

After the almost 500-point sell off on the Dow, few companies experienced a rebound in their stocks on Wednesday, mostly funeral homes and coffin manufacturers.

Bush
North Korea’s No. 2 leader pledged his country's commitment to denuclearize. President Bush said he is willing to sit down and talk but first he needs some time to practice the word denuclearize.

Last Tuesday, Bush honored the latest NBA champions in Washington. During the meeting the president said he was impressed with the Heat’s Work in Miami, making that statement the closest reference to Global Warming the president has ever made.

While honoring the Miami Heat championship basketball team on Tuesday, President Bush tried to bounce a basketball, but the ball thudded flat on the stage. It was a reality check for the president who saw in the ball a comparison with his approval ratings… they will never bounce back.

Britney
Britney Spears has been in rehab for more than a week now. The only possible explanation for her not escaping earlier is that she is probably doing rehab in a Jetblue plane.

Sports Illustrated
Los Angeles County health officials said that anyone who may have eaten uncooked food at a Sports Illustrated party should check themselves for hepatitis A. Health officials added that the only ones safe are the swimsuit models who probably puked immediately after the party.

Anna Nicole
A Florida appeals court cleared the way Wednesday for Anna Nicole Smith to be buried next to her son in the Bahamas. The Bahamas is a common place for dead people, especially former Enron CEO’s.