August 31st 2007

Friday Leftovers
Larry Craig
In a taped interview released Thursday Senator Larry Craig admitted his foot bumped into the undercover police’s foot in the other stall. The Senator said it was unintentional, he had a wide stance and was wearing his work clown shoes.

Senator Larry Craig said that the reasons why he mistakenly pleaded guilty to a reduced charge of disorderly conduct were several: He didn’t have a lawyer with him, he wanted everything to disappear fast and he was distracted by the hot cop in uniform.

Presidential Debates
Spanish Channel Univision is hosting a Democratic presidential debate in September. Hillary might try to pull out again the cleavage strategy, because she knows that if she loses the debate, showing cleavage guarantees her a position as a weather girl in Univision.

Senator John McCain is the only Republican presidential candidate that has accepted a presidential debate translated to Spanish and hosted by Univision. Apparently, McCain wants to reorganize his campaign, earn the Latino trust and find cheap labor to refill his campaign staff.

Katrina
Approximately one-thousand people marched in New Orleans to protest Bush’s visit on the second anniversary of Katrina. The president addressed the protesters and said he had not forgotten New Orleans and that his administration is working hard to rebuild their bridge.

Lohan
Lindsay Lohan was caught having sex in the bathroom while at the Cirque Lodge rehab center in Utah. Lohan apologized and said it all started while she was seated in the toilet practicing her dance tapping steps for her next movie.

August 30th 2007

Hi there everybody, good news, the economy is doing great and Newsday published one of my jokes. If I could only afford a gallon of milk to celebrate. Anyhow, thanks to my friend Ken and Newsday, it is an honor to be published in such a prestigious paper!!
http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun305351458aug30,0,2658178.story

Rich Dog
Real estate billionaire Leona Helmsley left $12 million in her will for her dog. From now onwards, the dog’s doo doo will be picked up in a Louis Vuitton bag.

Real estate billionaire Leona Helmsley left $12 million in her will for her dog. Unfortunately, the dog doesn’t know how to read, right?

Larry Craig
Few members of the Republican party have called for the resignation of Senator Larry Craig after his involvement in a bathroom scandal. Most Republicans though, don’t dare turn their backs on him.

A group of researchers at Erasmus Medical Center in Rotterdam, England, just finished up a massive study and determined that men don't really need annual prostate exams. It seems bad news continue for Senator Larry Craig.

Economy
The U.S. economic rebound in the second quarter was stronger than previously estimated economists said today. Unfortunately most American won’t be able to celebrate the good news with their families because they’ll be working in one of the three or four jobs they have.

Katie Couric
According to a new book, Katie Couric had an affair with a CNN executive in the early 80’s who saved her from getting fired several times. Judging by her ratings, she is now probably having affairs with everybody at CBS including the janitor.

Women
According to a new survey in England, 3 percent of Women would have sex with other women if they were just asked to. The other 97 percent slapped across the person that conducted the survey.

Atrocities
Brazil has for the first time published an official book detailing atrocities said to have been committed during the military dictatorship. Guess what Dick Cheney is going to be reading and laughing at Starbucks this long weekend?

August 29th 2007

Larry Craig
Senator Larry Craig said the reason why he swiped his hand under the stall divider, placing his palm facing toward the ceiling didn’t have any sexual connotation. He had just had a great body movement and felt like high-fiving somebody.

The undercover cop that arrested Senator Larry Craig in a public washroom at the Minneapolis airport said that the senator tapped his right foot, then tapped his toes several times which are all signals associated with illicit bathroom sex. In other news, Ryan Seacrest has started taking tap dancing lessons with Savion Glover.

During a press conference Senator Larry Craig explained his arrest and said he touched the undercover cop’s shoe under the stall because he has a wide stance and he’s not gay. The senator added that it is not his fault that the stilettos he was wearing were so high.

Larry Craig, a three-term senator from Idaho, met with the press yesterday and said, he is not gay and he has never been gay.... maybe a little bit BI-partisan...

In the police report of senator Larry Craig’s arrest, the undercover cop wrote that Mr. Craig peered at him through the stall for about two minutes. The senator claimed it is all a misunderstanding. He cannot see very well because all the Viagra he’s taking is driving him blind.

Iranian President
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on Tuesday revealed he was a handy cook who prepares "delicious" food . Reporters thought the comments were cute until he mentioned he was a master with the oven.

Home prices
U.S. home prices fell 3.2 percent in the second quarter, the steepest rate of decline since Standard & Poor's began its nationwide housing index in 1987, the research group said Tuesday. The only house that is getting more and more expensive to get is the White House.

Nuclear Guard
A federal inspector found an armed guard asleep at a gate inside the Indian Point nuclear power plants . Apparently the guard was slobbering all over and when awaken he said: "Doh!!!"

Bush
President Bush visited Washington State Monday to raise money for Republican U.S. Rep. Dave Reichert. Prices ranged from $1000 to attend the event and hear president Bush’s speech and $10,000 dollars to hear the same speech but with translation.

Amnesia
NBC will air a new game show called "Amnesia." Contestants will have to guess how much Alberto Gonzales recalls about his performance as a US Attorney General after his resignation.

August 28th 2007

Alberto Gonzales
President Bush said he wants someone as competent and talented as his friend Alberto Gonzales to take the position of U.S. Attorney General in September. Bush said he had several people in mind: Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff, Senator Orrin Hatch, R-Utah and Miss Teen South Carolina, Lauren Caitlin Upton.

Alberto Gonzales announced his resignation as Attorney General yesterday. He asked his friends not to send any e-mails for support because they are all automatically deleted.

Michael Vick
Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick said yesterday that he found Jesus, so please do not be mistaken next time you see him drowning dogs, he is just baptizing them.

Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick pleaded guilty yesterday. District Judge Henry E. Hudson, a very strict judge, said he won’t give his verdict until he sees Vick and his handler running around the court in circles and after examining Vick’s posture.

Larry Craig
Senator Larry Craig of Idaho pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct after making what a police officer described as sexual advances from an adjoining stall. The senator claims it’s all a misunderstanding. He slid his hand underneath the stall divider only to reach the TP to wipe his behind. Apparently by TP he meant “The Package” of the cop

A policeman in Minnesota arrested Republican senator Larry Craig at a bathroom stall. According to the cop the senator was tapping his foot next to his stall which is a recognized signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct. Craig said his actions were misconstrued but his explanation didn’t help. He said he was listening to music and tapping to the rhythm of a George Michael’s tune.

Another politician involved in a scandal for lewd conduct in a men's bathroom. All of a sudden those politicians that like to wear diapers don't look that stupid, do they?

Camilla
Prince Charles' wife Camilla said Sunday she will not attend the memorial service in London this week on the tenth anniversary of Princess Diana's death. She said she was very scared and promised not to leave her house until Michael Vick is in jail.

Obesity
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention obesity rates continued their climb in 31 states last year. This was a more reliable survey because they sampled more people. Apparently they offered the participants Big Macs.

Ban Smoking
Many states are following Arkansas' lead in passing bills that ban smoking in cars where children six and under are present. Parents aren’t happy. How are their little kids going to kill time inside the cars, during hot scorching summer days, while they wait for their parents who are playing at the casinos?

August 27th 2007

Laura Bush
Laura Bush has been suffering from a pinched nerve in her neck and will not travel with the president to Sidney next month, the White House said on Sunday. Doctors determined the neck injury was caused by repeatedly saying "No" to some of her husband’s stupid ideas.

Alberto Gonzales
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced today his resignation. Gonzales said he resigned because he wanted to spend more time with Karl Rove's family.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales resigned Friday but waited until Monday to announce his resignation. Apparently it took him two days to remember why he had resigned on Friday.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced today his resignation. People didn’t believe him when at the press conference he said he didn’t quit because of any wrongdoing but rather because he wanted to spend some time writing his memoirs

Stem Cell
U.S. researchers reported on Sunday that a nutritious cocktail helped human embryonic stem cells thrive and repair the damaged hearts of rats. Apparently more and more rats are suffering from heart attacks as a result of eating so often at Taco Bell and KFC.

U.S. researchers reported on Sunday that a nutritious cocktail helped human embryonic stem cells thrive and repair the damaged hearts of rats. This means they are ready to treat Dick Cheney whose heart is probably of the same size of a rat’s heart.

Britney
Britney Spears had another face-off with cops when she was pulled over by highway patrol for speeding on her way to Las Vegas. Britney explained later she was chasing one of her kids that stole her pack of camels.

Greece
The government of Greece offered a reward for anyone providing information that would lead to the arrest of the person that started a fire that has been racing across southern Greece since Friday. The believe the main suspect could be an arsonist or a clumsy athlete that knocked off the Olympic torch.

Owen Wilson
Actor Owen Wilson was hospitalized Sunday in Los Angeles and some celebrity Web sites were reporting he may have attempted suicide. Apparently he attempted suicide by watching his movie "You Me and Dupree"

Movies
Media By Numbers determined Sunday that because of all those blockbusters and threequels, Summer 2007 crossed the $4 billion mark, setting a new record for total domestic gross receipts. And $4 billion dollars is more or less what one of those blockbusters movies cost to produce.

August 26th 2007

Jenna Bush
President Bush denied rumors that his daughter Jenna was pregnant. He said it was just pure beer gut.

Lindsay
As part of a plea deal, Lindsay Lohan will attend a three-day county coroner program in which she'll see victims of drunk driving: like her career.

August 24th 2007

Friday Leftovers.........

Uranium
State media in China reports that eight kilograms of radioactive uranium have gone missing in the country. Chinese authorities are asking American parents to check if their kids have grown an extra limb or something similar after they played with some toys.

Obama
While speaking to voters in New Hampshire, Barack Obama said, "I think I can bring cool back to the federal government". He then tried to change those words when he realized Hillary can bring a lot more coolness.

Elderly Sex
A new sex study by "The New England Journal of Medicine" said that people between the ages of 70 and 80 are pretty active sexually. Researchers came up that conclusion after they found tons of fake dentures stuck in naughty places.

A new sex study by "The New England Journal of Medicine" said that people between the ages of 70 and 80 are pretty active sexually. It is quite confusing though, when your partner screams "Oh God, Oh God!" you don’t know if they are enjoying it or really seeing God because they are dying.

Bush
President Bush compared the war in Iraq to the Vietnam War. He might be right; we are pretty consistent when it comes to screwing the vets.

August 23rd 2007

Bush
President Bush said there will be no pullout while he is president, repeating the same old words Clinton used to say all the time to his interns.

Neighbors
According to a recent poll done by a real estate Agency most old people would like to live next door to Hillary Clinton. Most young men though, said they would love to live next door to Kucinich and his hot wife.

Reading
One in four adults read no books at all in the past year, according to an Associated Press-Ipsos poll released Tuesday. And then you wonder who makes up the 25 percent that support the Bush administration.

R.Kelly
A Cook County judge has upheld a ruling allowing the media and public to view a videotape allegedly showing singer R. Kelly having sex with an underage girl. Immediately after the news, Court TV became the most watched channel on American TV.

Barbie
Toy maker Mattel Inc. is suing adult entertainer China Barbie for using its trademark name Barbie. Apparently Mattel was concerned the Chinese porn star would cause more diseases that its Chinese barbie dolls.

Beckham
A new research shows that a Tyrannosaurus Rex could outrun David Beckham. On Beckham’s defense, the soccer player claims he was injured when the research was done.

August 22nd 2007

Obama
A top Taliban commander said Al-Qaeda mastermind Osama bin Laden is alive. Apparently Obama was seen shooting another video, a question for the Youtube GOP presidential debate.

Hillary Clinton
Heidi Lynne Fleiss, the former "Hollywood Madam" who was convicted on charges connected to her prostitution ring, said she is behind Hillary Clinton. It was a pretty nice gesture, Bill was behind Heidi and her women so many times, it was nice to see the turns changed.

Heidi Lynne Fleiss, the former "Hollywood Madam" who was convicted on charges connected to her prostitution ring, said she is a big supporter of Hillary Clinton’s. It is a well known fact that Hillary and Heidi have something in common they’ll both tell you anything you want to hear for a small contribution.

If I did it
Barnes & Noble is refusing to sell O. J Simpson’s "If I did it" book. Actually it was Noble the one that rejected the idea because Barnes wanted to sell the book with a banner saying slashing prices off OJ’s book.

Blind
Sheila Drummond, a Pennsylvanian blind woman was the first blind woman to make a hole-in-one. Actually, her drive ended up in the water, but why spoil such a nice moment.

August 21st 2007

Queen of mean
Lenony Hemsley, the famous "Queen of mean" died yesterday. During a press conference Michael Vick’s lawyer made it clear that his client didn’t kill that bitch.

Deported
Elvira Arellano, an illegal immigrant who took refuge in a Chicago church for a year to avoid being separated from her U.S.-born son, was deported to Mexico yesterday. Fortunately for her she was immediately blown back to the US by Hurricane Dean.

Debate
During the Sunday Democratic Iowa Debate a huge fly landed on Chris Dodd's head for a couple of minutes and was caught by TV cameras. In others news, in a recent poll the fly has come way ahead of Hillary Clinton as the front runner among the Democratic presidential candidates.

During the Sunday Democratic Iowa Debate a huge fly landed on Chris Dodd's head for a couple of minutes and was caught by TV cameras. After the debate the fly said that it won’t be attending the next GOP debate because it’ll be hard to decide whose head to land on with so many options available.

During the Sunday Democratic Iowa Debate a huge fly landed on Chris Dodd's head for a couple of minutes and was caught by TV cameras. Unfortunately the fly died right after it landed on John Edwards’ head due to the excess of hair spray and chemicals.

During the Sunday Democratic Iowa Debate a huge fly landed on Chris Dodd's head for a couple of minutes and was caught by TV cameras. For a moment TV viewers thought the fly was Denis Kucinich trying to get some extra air time.

Imus
Reverend Al Sharpton wrote a column in the Daily News about the 5 steps radio host Don Imus should follow before he goes back to the airwaves. Imus said that he is not intimidated by the 5-step program suggested by Sharpton because he had to do the 12-steps program so many times before.

JK Rowling
According to the British media, JK Rowling is making a change and has started writing drafts for crime novels. Apparently her next book is a mystery novel about the son of a gun that posted the end of Harry Potter in the internet.

Survivor
CBS announced the cast of "Survivor" China for next season. Apparently competitors will be forced to daunting tasks like brushing their teeth with Chinese toothpaste, play with Chinese toys and eat animals fed with Chinese tainted pet food.

Dean
Hurricane Dean plowed into the Caribbean coast of Mexico on Tuesday heading for the ancient Mayan ruins and modern oil installations of the Yucatan Peninsula. During a meeting in Canada president Bush said the US won’t give Mexico any money to fix the Mayan ruins because they were already ruined.

August 20th 2007

Elvira Arellano
Elvira Arellano, an illegal immigrant who sought sanctuary in a Chicago church to avoid deportation and separation from her 8-year-old American son, was arrested Sunday while leaving a church in LA. Now that she is incarcerated all the priests in LA are fighting over to offer sanctuary to Elvira’s 8-year-old son.

Elvira Arellano, an illegal immigrant who sought sanctuary in a Chicago church to avoid deportation and separation from her 8-year-old American son, was arrested Sunday while leaving a church in LA. Apparently she traveled to LA to seek sanctuary at the mayor’s house.

Karl Rove
During a TV interview Karl Rove said that Hillary Clinton won’t win the next elections because she is a divider, unlike his former employer president Bush who is a uniter, and united everybody in the world to hate him.

Superbad
The movie "Superbad" had a great opening weekend at the box office, mostly from Bush’s haters who thought "Superbad" was about the Bush administration.

Fidel Castro
President Fidel Castro celebrated his 81st birthday last Monday. The entirety of Cuba went into darkness the day of his birthday celebration because all the candles Cuba uses to light up the country ended up on Castros’ cake.

Michael Brown
Michael Brown, the former federal official who bore the brunt of criticism for the government's handling of Hurricane Katrina, is now offering disaster relief advice to several companies. Apparently companies hire him for advice and then they do exactly the opposite.

Michael Brown, the former federal official who bore the brunt of criticism for the government's handling of Hurricane Katrina, is now offering disaster relief advice to several companies. In a related story former president Bush’s advisor Karl Rove was hired to unite Israelis and Palestinians in the Middle East.

Dean
Hurricane Dean headed for Mexico on Monday, after battering Jamaica into a state of emergency by downing power lines, ripping off roofs and blocking roads with felled trees. This is not the first time Dean has caused so much disaster; apparently it also destroyed the Democratic chances to win the 2004 elections.

Health Care
A man threw his seriously ill wife four stories to her death because he could no longer afford to pay for her medical care, prosecutors said in charging him with second-degree murder. Apparently he could earn life in prison and a very important part in the sequel of Sicko.

A man threw his seriously ill wife four stories to her death because he could no longer afford to pay for her medical care. Things would have been totally different with the Canadian health care system, doctors would have thrown his wife for him.

Hastert
GOP speaker Dennis Hastert said he won't seek re-election next year. Things are not going well for him, according to a USA TODAY/Gallup Poll, more than one in three people voiced no opinion or had never heard of him and the worst part is that the poll was done at a country buffet.

Lindsay Lohan
Lindsay Lohan's estranged parents settled their long-simmering divorce and custody dispute Friday. Apparently Lindsay’s father get to visit her only few days a week, the days she is out of rehab.

August 17th 2007

Friday Leftovers........
Jobs
According to a study by the British website Jobs2View.com, almost 33% of people have quit a job because they couldn't stand their co-workers. The other 77% stayed because the 33% of co-workers they hated resigned.

Democrats
As part of their political campaign Democratic Candidates are planning TV appearances in the upcoming months: Barack Obama will appear in The Tyra Banks Show, Hillary Clinton will do the Ellen DeGeneres Show and Denis Kucinich will show up in the show Cheaters chasing his wife.

Businessman
Henry Hager, recently engaged to Jenna Bush, will be returning to school this fall to complete his master's degree in business administration at the University of Virginia. Professors told him not to worry because he is already guaranteed a degree as he has proved he is a genius businessman when he decided to marry Jenna.

Baseball
In Chicago this week, blind athletes played a game of baseball guided only by sound. They could anticipate the person at the bat was going to hit a home-run every time they would hear the “swish” of the syringe.

Stocks
Cosmetics maker Estee Lauder Cos. Inc. reported lower-than-expected quarterly profit on Thursday sending its shares down 8 percent. The mascara running on the owner’s faces while they were crying didn’t help the company either.

August 16th 2007

Hey everybody one of my jokes is featured in today's edition of Newsday! Thanks to Newsday and my amigo Ken, it made my day.
http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun5333598aug16,0,5677458.story

Toy Recall
Mattel recalled nine million more toys made in China Monday due to lead being found in them. Investigators believe it could be a sabotage organized by kids that wanted a PSPs instead of a stupid choo choo train or a lame doll.

Satisfied Americans
A surprising 94 percent of Americans say they are satisfied with their lives. Unfortunately, the survey was done among Americans that live in Canada.

A surprising 94 percent of Americans say they are satisfied with their lives. It is not a reliable survey though, as it was done with Americans while they were having lunch.

A surprising 94 percent of Americans say they are satisfied with their lives. Unfortunately, the survey was done last week when the market was over 14 000.

Virtual world
More and more Americans are spending time with their computers participating in virtual simulation worlds. Question: If I steal the IP of a computer to be part of a virtual simulation world, does that make me an illegal immigrant to the virtual world?

Hillary
Ellen DeGeneres will interview Hillary Clinton for the season premiere of "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" on September 4th. The interview will probably consist of trashing Dick throughout the entire hour, Dick Cheney of course......

Ellen DeGeneres will interview Hillary Clinton for the season premiere of "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" on September 4th. I bet you that that is not the threesome Bill dreamed of.

Karl Rove
Karl Rove told a reporter that the most regrettable moment of working with the Bush administration was getting turned into MC Rove at the Correspondents Association dinner. On a positive side, he can start a career in the world of rap; he’s got the gansta part nailed already.
Rove won’t have any problem becoming the next “50 cent;” there are tons of people that would like to shoot holes on him.

Russia
A Russian region of Ulyanovsk is giving every single worker September 12th off to get it on. They want to increase the Russian population which has a very low birth rate. Apparently the low rate is due to the fact that all hot Russian women are becoming mail-order brides to old fat American rich guys.

A Russian region of Ulyanovsk is giving every single worker September 12th off to get it on. They want to increase the Russian population which has a very low birth rate. The town tried this before but it failed miserably because Paris Hilton was in town and took care of every single Russian man and ruined everything.

George Michael
Earlier this week, George Michael began serving his 100 hours of community service. His service to the community includes some gardening, and Michael said he wouldn’t mind spending hours behind the bushes where he is known as the “leaf-blower."

August 15th 2007

11-year-old Martyr
11-year-old Palestinian child star Saraa Barhoum said that she is ready and willing to become a martyr for Hamas. Meanwhile my 11 year-old son complains because his choo choo train has too much lead paint.

Hamas TV's child star says she's ready for martyrdom. She said it could be suicide bombing, fighting the Israeli military or giving herself in adoption to Britney Spears.

Imus
Radio host Imus has reached a $20 million settlement with CBS and is free to negotiate a new contract with any other company. Imus is said to be extremely happy with the $10 million he got, because the other half had to go to Al Sharpton for doing him a favor.

Immigrants
A new study shows Hispanic immigrants to the U.S. are more likely to abuse alcohol. Apparently drinking alcohol is the only way illegals have to find encouragement to marry American women and get the green card.

The latest crack down on illegal immigration is making it harder for construction companies to get affordable labor. Things are getting so bad that ABC was forced to cancel Extreme Makeover Home Edition.

Oldest woman
The world's oldest person, a Japanese woman, has died at age 114. She had been born in 1883 the year when Colorado women were granted the right to vote, Rudolf Diesel received a patent for the diesel engine and Larry King debuted in CNN.

Hillary
Ellen DeGeneres will interview Hillary Clinton for the season premiere of "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" on September 4th. Producers of the show promised a revealing interview in which the well known lesbian, and suit wearer will have the chance to speak with Ellen.

Ellen DeGeneres will interview Hillary Clinton for the season premiere of "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" on September 4th. Ellen decided to get the interview after she became obsessed with Hillary’s cleavage.

The White House on Tuesday criticized Hillary’s latest TV ad. The ad said that if you are a family without health care you are invisible to Bush. The president called the ad outrageous because a family without health care is not invisible to him; he sees it; he just doesn’t care.

Lohan
TMZ.com reported that Lindsay Lohan is in rehab in Utah and was seen scrubbing toilets. Lohan’s agents summoned a press conference and made it clear Lindsay was not scrubbing toilets, she was just puking.

August 14th 2007

Mitt Romney
During a TV interview Sunday, presidential candidate Mitt Romney made it clear he didn’t know he broke the law when he drove the car with the family dog enclosed in a kennel on top of his car . He said he learned the lesson and in the future he’ll leave his dog in Michael Vick’s doggy day care.

During a Sunday interview presidential candidate Mitt Romney confirmed the Boston Globe’s revelation about driving his dog on top of his car but justified it by saying the dog was in a kennel, not in open air, and he loves it. After that comment GITMO prisoners clinched nervously.

Karl Rove
Karl Rove, the political mastermind behind President Bush's races for the White House announced his resignation Monday. Rove said he wants to spend sometime with his family. Apparently his son is running for president of his University in Texas and he wants to help him steal the election.

Karl Rove, the political mastermind behind President Bush's races for the White House announced his resignation Monday. He said he‘ll go back to Texas to stay with his family and he’ll make money on the side not in politics but rather working in the penitentiary as an executioner.

Karl Rove, the political mastermind behind President Bush's races for the White House announced his resignation Monday. Papers reported that Bush’s brain abandoned him, although it looks like that had happened long time ago.

Death Row
On August 22nd, Texas will execute its 400th death row prisoner. They want to make this very special so Barry Bonds will be in charge of administering the lethal injection.

Goat
A man accused of having sex with a goat in Tacoma Washington said it was all a mistake. Apparently he heard his friends at the bar talking about messing with the nannies and he went for it. Besides, it is not like he did it with a kid, it was a female goat.

Voting
According to a latest poll, 60 percent of Americans did not vote in the last election and feel guilty about it. Apparently they are not happy with Jordin Sparks as a winner of American idol.

Endeavor.
NASA summoned a press conference yesterday to clarify to the press that the crew of Endeavour consists only of 7 members not 9. Apparently the confusion arouse when the Space Shuttle crew kept talking about Johnny and Jack.

NASA discovered a worrisome gouge on the Endeavour's belly soon after the shuttle docked with the international space station Friday. Experts believe it could be caused by ice that broke off the fuel tank a minute after liftoff or by some of the astronauts trying to insert the key in the wrong lock of the space shuttle.

The space shuttle crew might have to repair the craft's thermal tiles. Their outfits are specially designed to be able to leave the Space Shuttle for a while, fix the tiles and not show any butt crack while doing it.

August 13th 2007

Mitt Romney
Mitt Romney said he "misspoke" when he suggested that his sons’ work on his presidential campaign was comparable to serving in the military in Iraq, because his sons actually have helmets and bulletproof vests.

Bush Vacation
President Bush called Barry Bonds last week to congratulate him for breaking the home-run record. Bush told Bond that he is about to break a similar record in August: the run-home record when he goes on vacation again.

President Bush is on his way to become the president that has taken more days off. Americans are really frustrated about it because he’s not taking enough days off.
According to a recent poll president Bush’s approval rating have gone up to 35 percent. They will immediately decrease as soon as he comes back from vacation.

Laura Bush and daughter Jenna will write a children's book this fall about a little boy who hates to read. It is called "Little Bush on vacation."

News
A poll says Americans feel news organizations are politically biased, are inaccurate and don't care about people. Unfortunately this poll was totally ignored by all the news organizations

Hillary
Hillary Clinton will work as a nurse at a Las Vegas hospital Monday to raise awareness on health care. Can you imagine how cold that enema is going to feel?

McCain
Republican presidential candidate John McCain finished last in the Iowa straw poll. Apparently as he doesn’t have any more campaign staff to fire, he might fire himself.

Republican presidential candidate John McCain finished last in the Iowa straw poll. It looks it could be McCain’s last straw poll.

Britney
According to the British tabloids Britney Spears is desperate to pose nude for Playboy and will take Hugh Heffner’s old offer of $1 million dollars. Heffner said the offer has changed slightly and he’ll pay to see her with clothes now.

According to the British tabloids Britney Spears is desperate to pose nude for Playboy. Hopefully her dog doesn’t go number two like in the last photo session because she won’t have a dress to clean the mess and she might have to use herself.

Winehouse
Amy Winehouse was hospitalized last week after an alleged three-day bender that reportedly included the consumption of whiskey, vodka, cocaine, ecstasy, a horse tranquilizer and heroin. American idol producers have finally found the right replacement for Paula Abdul.

August 12th 2007

Democrats
Elizabeth Edwards claimed Tuesday her husband is running third among Democrats because he's not a woman and he's not black. And those long hours of hair salon and tanning bed do not seem to work.

Democratic contenders in the 2008 White House race are taking part in the first live, televised debate focused on gay issues. Republicans declined the invitation for a similar debate because the organizers denied the GOP suggestion of having Isaac Washington as a host.

Bush
President had his annual physical exam Wednesday and according to doctors the president is in superior condition than 97 percent of men of his age. When it came to the mental exam though the same statistics are reversed.

President had his annual physical exam Wednesday,the anal exam was last week with the colonoscopy.

Doctors revealed President Bush has been treated for lyme disease. The symptoms include congnitive defect, so it seems the tick bit Bush long, long time ago and he has not recovered

Priest
A Catholic priest faces an indecent exposure charge after jogging in the nude about an hour before sunrise. The priest alleged he did it because he was sweating profusely. Almost the same amount of sweat that the archdiocese accountant will perspire when he signs the next settlement.

Implants
According to a recent study published in the Annals of Plastic Surgery, breast implants are linked to suicides. Mostly husbands that are in debt to their eye balls to pay for the implants.

August 8th 2007

Endeavor
The U.S. space shuttle Endeavor is scheduled to be launched on Wednesday evening. It’ll be a two-week trip and after that it’ll land directly at the door of the Promise rehab center.

The U.S. space shuttle Endeavor is scheduled to be launched on Wednesday evening. NASA officials want to avoid skepticism from the press so they won’t have the usual backwards count from ten; instead, the crew of the shuttle will recite the alphabet backwards before launching.

Flashlight
Homeland Security hired a company to develop a weapon consisting of a large flashlight capable of emitting "super-bright lights that make people vomit.” Apparently Nicole Richie already ordered a tanning bed made by the same company.

Homeland Security might use in the near future a large flashlight capable of emitting "super-bright lights that make people vomit to protect the border with Mexico.” Illegals have already developed a not so sophisticated counter-weapon called "sunglasses."

Presidential debate
During the Democratic presidential debate yesterday John Edwards said that people will never see him on the cover of Fortune magazine, a dig at Hillary Clinton, who recently was featured on the business publication's front cover. He also made another dig at Hillary when he said he’ll never be on the cover of “Jugs" either.

Richest man
Mexican telecom billionaire Carlos Slim has overtaken Microsoft founder Bill Gates as the world's wealthiest man.
He is so rich that instead of hiring the coyote, to cross the border he hires the roadrunner.
He is so rich he only employs American workers.
He is so rich he hired Bill Gates to mow his lawn.
He is so rich he doesn’t pick up fruit, he only picks up coins.
He is so rich he crosses the US-Mexico border to buy medicines here.

Celebrities
The nominees for the 24th annual MTV Video Music Awards were announced yesterday and Beyonce came up on top with seven nominations. Among the most important were: Female of the year, director of the year and most spectacular ass-breaking fall video of the year.

Yesterday, Britney dinged her Mercedes into a station wagon while attempting to pull into a parking spot. And you wonder why she’d rather have her little babies driving her.

August 7th 2007

Hey everybody, I know some of you are radio people and you might go to Chicago this week for radio boot camp. I am gonna be there too , so be sure to stop and say Hi if you see me, I am gonna be with the Bob Rivers Show crew (I am the one carrying the luggage). It'll be nice to see who reads these jokes, and I promise a beer to whoever stops by. Thanks.
Pedro

Giuliani
The daughter of Republican presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani signaled she was supporting Democrat Barack Obama. It is not all that bad for Giuliani though, as this would help other Republicans understand why he favors abortion.

Giuliani’s daughter’s Facebook profile says that she is looking for friendship, random play, anything she can get. Her father was infuriated because she stole his idea for a political campaign slogan.

Democrats
According to insiders in the Democratic party despite of working in the same building and slogging through the same rigorous travel schedule, Hillary and Obama barely speak to each other. Apparently things are getting so bad that even Bill talks more often with Hillary.

Univision Debate
The Miami Herald reported that John McCain became the first and only Republican to agree to a political debate broadcast in Univision, the Spanish language network. McCain said that he is not doing this to gain popularity among Latino voters; he just needs cheap labor to replace his gone campaign staff.

The Miami Herald reported that Hillary Clinton has declined to attend a political debate broadcast in Univision, the Spanish language network. Apparently Hillary knows that her cleavage cannot compete with the cleavage of any of the female anchors in the Spanish Channels.
Blind Driver
Police in the Baltic state of Estonia stopped a man who was driving erratically last weekend. They found later that the man was blind and was being helped by instructions from his 16-year-old passenger. The blind man claimed he was driving erratically because the one giving instructions was a stutterer.

Police in the Baltic state of Estonia stopped a man who was driving erratically last weekend; only to find out he was blind. The man begged police not to have his driver license revoked because he had just been hired to be Paris Hilton’s limo driver.

Bob Allen
State Representative Bob Allen busted for offering an undercover officer 20 dollars to perform oral sex on the cop claimed he was intimidated after a man offered a sex act for money. He says he went along with the conversation, because he was afraid of becoming another crime statistic. That’s why to protect himself he went right to the cop’s pistol.

August 6th 2007

Weapons
The U.S. military officials do not know what happened to 30 percent of the weapons the United States distributed to Iraqi forces from 2004 through early this year as part of an effort to train and equip the troops. They are sure though that the other 70 percent is in the hands of the insurgency.

Steroids
Last week Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards said that Rudy Giuliani was a version of Bush on steroids. Giuliani felt really insulted because if Bush already has almost not nuts now, can you imagine those nuts after taking steroids?

Bonds
A self-proclaimed San Diego Padres fan scooped up Barry Bonds' record-tying home run ball. He said he was ecstatic and he expects now to catch Barry Bond’s record-breaking ball, because he might be able to trade those balls for Alex Rodriguez’ 500th home run ball.

Bridges
The Department of Transportation said Friday that almost 70 000 bridges in the US are in need of repair. The infrastructure is falling apart. The Homeland security department is thinking of considering fast food joints as terrorist threats.

Better Off
57% of Americans surveyed say they are better off than they were four years ago. They all live in Canada now

August 5th 2007

Children
Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar welcomed their 17th child, and seventh daughter, into the world Thursday. The couple said they were not worried about the money because the new baby daughter can share the diapers with their oldest son.

Celebrities
According to a national survey by the Pew Research Center for the People & the Press only 2 percent of Americans think celebrities get too little coverage. They 2 percent are Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears.

Submersible
New York authorities were questioning three men found in a bizarre submersible vessel floating just off Manhattan on Friday. They were set free after they explained the use a sort of submarine to avoid being crashed by falling cars from the bridge.

Tori
According to the website Wonkette.com, an escort named Tori is going to Baghdad’s green zone to entertain private contractors, but not military personnel. Apparently, she refused to serve soldiers because they were not provided with protection and helmets by the Bush administration.

According to the website Wonkette.com, an escort named Tori is going to Baghdad’s green zone to entertain private contractors. I don’t think this is the kind of "Surge" the Bush administration was talking about.

According to the website Wonkette.com, an escort named Tori is going to Baghdad’s green zone to entertain private contractors. Fortunately for everybody, this is going to encourage American politicians to visit Baghdad more often.

August 3rd 2007

Friday's leftovers......
Murdock
After the purchase of the Wall Street Journal by Fox network owner Rupert Murdoch, readers complained the paper was going to be run like Fox News, sensationalist and politically sided. Murdock proved them right when the front page of the paper said in gigantic fonts "The Market went down fast, like Monica Lewinsky on former President Clinton.”

Iraq
Yesterday, most of Baghdad did not have running water or running electricity, but tons of people running away from the gunshots.

Traffic Signs
In Sioux Falls, South Dakota, police arrested a man for, quote, "two years worth of videotaped sex acts with traffic signs. He confessed he started doing that after the only thing he would hear from his girlfriends would be "Do Not Enter.”

In Sioux Falls, South Dakota, police arrested a man for, quote, "two years worth of videotaped sex acts with traffic signs. His favorite one was "Speed Hump."

Spice Girls
The Spice girls are running a poll on their website asking fans to pick a city for them to add to their reunion tour and so far the chosen city is Baghdad. Strangely enough most of the votes came from Eddie Murphy’s computer.

Master’s degree
A 94 year- old great-great-grandma became the world’s oldest person to earn a master’s degree. I can’t imagine how excited she must be knowing it is going to be so easy for her NOT to find a great job now.

August 2nd 2007

Cleavage
President Bush’s approval continued to decline. Apparently, They’ve gotten lower than Hillary’s V-neck line.

Yesterday, on the house floor, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, followed Hillary’s lead and showed some cleavage. It is not the same though; Pelosi has had so much plastic surgery, that she shows cleavage every time she takes her glasses off because her breasts are already next to her eyes.

Yesterday Nancy Pelosi showed some cleavage on the House Floor. Not to be overdone, Hillary pulled down her pants a little bit and showed some butt crack.

Damaged Brain
After six years of only occasional signs of consciousness researchers implanted electrodes in the damaged brain of a man who can now talk and has recited the first half of the Pledge of Allegiance without assistance. But enough about president Bush.

Cubans
The numbers of Cubans sneaking off the island to enter the US has doubled mainly because Cubans are now entering the US through Mexico. US officials believe the bigger number of Cubans choosing the land to get to the states could affect the US economy as well as the shark population.

According to U.S. Customs and Border Protection the vast majority of Cubans sneaking off the island now enter the United States through Mexico. Apparently border patrol officers became aware of this when they saw the huge line of New York Yankees’ recruiters waiting for Cubans at the border with Mexico.

Scout
An 88-year-old man was officially declared an Eagle Scout this weekend in Florida. He said he practiced tying knots with the wrinkles of his neck.

An 88-year-old man was officially declared an Eagle Scout this weekend in Florida. The old man was thrilled because he now will be able to help himself cross the streets.

Vacation
According to a survey by the website HostelBookers.com 78% of people who went on vacation have had the thought of quitting their jobs to stay there. The survey was done among Iraqi lawmakers last week.

According to a survey by the website HostelBookers.com 78% of people who went on vacation have had the thought of quitting their jobs to stay there. The other 22% traveled with the entire family.

August 1st 2007

Sex study
A study by the University of Texas at Austin has identified 237 reasons why human beings have sex. Still my wife could not find a single one to do it with me this week.

A study by the University of Texas at Austin has identified 237 reasons why human beings have sex: The number one cited was physical attraction. Happy hour finished in close second.

Dick Cheney
During an interview with Larry King, Vice president Dick Cheney said that if he could do it all over again he would still send troops into Iraq even if that meant that more than 3,000 U.S. military personnel would be killed. Doctors uncorked champagne and celebrated the fact that Cheney’s latest heart surgery was a success and his heart is back to normal.

Larry King interviewed vice president Dick Cheney yesterday. They had to be in separate rooms though, for Cheney was strangely repelled by Larry King’s stench of garlic.

Larry King interviewed vice president Dick Cheney yesterday. Apparently both heartbeats combined make a normal heart.

Sunglasses
In a move to protect children's eyes from harmful UV rays, one Australian school has made sunglasses a compulsory part of the uniform. The idea was tried in the US but failed miserably after teachers got tired of students taking their glasses off after using some of the stupid CSI‘s Caruso’s one-liners.

Crocs
Mercy Hospital in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, has become the latest hospital to ban its staff members from wearing Crocs, because you could drop something like a syringe in one of the holes of the Crocs. Commissioner of Baseball, Bud Zelig, is expected to copy the ban among MLB players.

Labor Department
The Labor Department is expected to show an increase in 135,000 jobs in July when it reports monthly figures on Friday. The increase came from Limo drivers that got hired by Hollywood celebrities busted with DUIs.

The Labor Department said that the number of people saying that jobs are hard to get went down 2 percent. Unfortunately the number of people that said "I am tired of looking for a job" went up 2 percent as well.

Ethics
The House overwhelmingly passed a comprehensive ethics and lobbying reform bill Tuesday that among other things prohibited spouses from lobbying any Senate office. Senators high-fived each other after the bill passed because it doesn't matter which party they are from, none of them wants their spouses around.