April 30th 2008

Elections
Barack Obama played basketball again Wednesday, this time with the University of North Carolina team. The stats were not as impressive as last time. No points, no rebounds, and worst of all no blocks of Rev. Wright’s shots.

The fight between Obama and Hillary continued this week on the verge of the Indiana elections. They are not as confrontational as before the Pennsylvania elections. Apparently, they don’t want to make so much noise to avoid waking up McCain from his nap.

Bush
This weekend at the White House Correspondents' Association annual dinner, President Bush picked up a baton and conducted the U.S. Marine band. It was quite uncomfortable for the press when Bush told them that when he grabbed the wand he felt like David Copperfield.

This weekend at the White House Correspondents' Association annual dinner, President Bush picked up a baton and conducted the U.S. Marine band. Bush became the conductor-in-chief, and that night the Marine Band sounded as horrible as never before.

Health Insurance
A poll released yesterday by the Kaiser Family Foundation said that many Americans are getting married just for the health insurance benefits, which comes in handy when the marriage goes sour and they start beating each other.

Population
The U.S. population could hit 1 billion by the year 2100. And if foreclosure continues at this rate, all of them will be living in only 10 houses.

Wright
Pastor Jeremiah Wright said Monday the U.S. government invented AIDS to wipe out blacks. Did he mean from the NBA?

Gas
The national average for the price of gas jumped to $3.60 this week. Gas is so expensive that yesterday during her show, Oprah surprised the audience telling them: “You got a gallon of gas , you got a gallon of gas!”

Iran
On Monday, a top Iranian official sent out a letter to Iran's leaders warning that Western toys are culturally destructive and a social danger: especially if they were made in China…

Mind
Research shows that the human mind can only do four things at once. Listening to the radio, talking on the cell phone, eating, and watching a video, oh gees, who’s driving the car?

Thief
The mayor of a California town was arrested for stealing money from the city's little league fund. Is that considered a petty theft?

Master P
Rapper Master P turned 41 yesterday. He used to be a “no limit soldier,” now it all depends on the availability of Viagra.

Hendrix
Vivid Entertainment claims to have acquired a Jimi Hendrix sex tape. Apparently, at one moment he grabs a woman like a guitar and plays her with his teeth.

Cat
A cat that was stuck in a drain pipe for four days is back home safe and sound. “That’s not that impressive,” said Amy Winehouse, who’s been stuck with the pipe for years.

David Blaine
Magician David Blaine will try to break the world record for breath-holding during a live broadcast of "The Oprah Winfrey Show.” It would be more impressive if he could hold his breath during the Tyra Banks show.

April 29th 2008

Gas
The price of gasoline reached a $3.60 price average in the country. Gas is so expensive now that Monday everybody was using Rev. Jeremiah Wright’s inflammatory comments to light their fires.

An estimated 350 trucks drove around Capitol Hill to protest against high fuel prices. Members of congress were quite disappointed, when they saw so many trucks arriving to Capitol Hill they thought it was there usual Monday booze supply.

An estimated 350 trucks drove around Capitol Hill to protest against high fuel prices. Isn’t driving a a bad idea when you want to protest about the price of gas?

Some people in America are suggesting a 4-work-day week to cope with the high price of gas. Congress would never approve something like that, why would you work so many days?

Debt
According to a study from the Brookings Institute and the Pew Charitable Trust, the average American between the ages of 25 and 34 has $4,357 in credit card debt. You can add another $60 bucks to that today because all of them will be buying Grand Theft Auto IV.

Clemens
The "New York Daily News" is claiming that Roger Clemens was cheating on his wife Debbie with country singer Mindy McCready for about 10 years. Apparently the media and his wife never knew about her because she was always strategically hiding behind Clemens' huge head.

Viagra
A mayor in Lo Prado , Chile plans to give out free Viagra to men 60 and older in his town to improve their quality of life four times a month. Unfortunately the help won’t work unless the men are giving another pills to remember when to take the Viagra.

A mayor in Lo Prado ,Chile, plans to give out free Viagra to old people after they undergo a thorough medical exam to avoid heart attacks. The medical exams are not going to be for the receivers of the Viagra, but rather their wives who might suffer a heart attack when they see an erection.

Obama
Former Pink Floyd Roger Waters, an Obama fan, had an inflatable pig the size of a school bus flying during a concert which read "Obama" with a checked ballot box alongside. Fox new immediately broke out their regular programming to report that Obama hates cops.

Former Pink Floyd Roger Waters, an Obama fan, had an inflatable pig the size of a school bus flying during a concert which read "Obama" with a checked ballot box alongside. The message is confusing, does it mean Obama will get elected President when pigs fly?

McCain
The Republican National Committee demanded Monday that television networks stop running a television ad by the Democratic Party that suggests John McCain wants a 100-year war in Iraq. Apparently the GOP thinks McCain is selling himself short with only a 100 years.

Strippers
The number of strippers and strip clubs in Toronto is declining, with former dancers blaming the Internet for putting them out of work. So if what strippers always say is true, that might drastically reduce the future number of doctors in Canada.

April 28th 2008

Deal or no Deal
This Monday, Deal or No Deal will have a Star Wars themed show. The producers don’t seem to learn from experience and are doomed to fail again. When they invited President Bush, ratings were a disaster, and now they want to have Dick Cheney on?

Candidates
This weekend Hillary Clinton challenged Obama to a one-on-one debate with no moderators. Obama rejected the challenge on the basis that they already debated 20 times and also on the fact that last time Hillary had a one-on-one with someone with no moderators Chelsey was born.

During his campaign in Indiana, presidential candidate Barack Obama played basketball with some locals. He did great; according to the stats Obama had 9 points, 4 rebounds and 3 steals of superdelegates.

A teen was arrested for making a rap video where his senile 85-year-old grandparent wears a ski mask and points a gun at the camera. Fortunately, the police prevented the release of the video; otherwise it would have been quite embarrassing for McCain to have to explain what he was doing.

Bush
President Bush kept the audience entertained poking fun at his potential successors Saturday night at the White House Correspondents’ Association annual dinner. The real laughter came a little later when he cited the accomplishments of his 7-year administration.

Oil
Oil prices rose sharply Friday on news that a ship under contract to the U.S. Defense Department fired warning shots at two boats in the Persian Gulf. Actually, the media calls it “warning shots,” but Cheney calls them oil-regulatory-price system.

Verdict
The verdict in the trial of 3 New York police officers accused of gunning down a groom in the morning almost caused a riot Friday with people claiming racism. Not a good day to be Wesley Snipes who not only will have to spend 3 years in jail but also won’t have Al Sharpton’s support as he’s busy on a more popular case.

Women
A study out of Germany found that most educated women complained of unsatisfying sex. I guess my wife must be a member of Mensa, then.

Cats
According to ABC News, in Japan people pay $10 an hour to drink tea with cats at Cat Cafes. Not a big deal in North Korea where you can drink tea with cats as a side order at any restaurant.

Miley Cyrus
The 15-year-old star of Disney series Miley Cyrus posed seminude for an upcoming issue of Vanity Fair. Fathers all over America were infuriated with the Disney star; now mothers all over the country will know why they insist so much in being the ones to take the kids to the Hannah Montana's concerts.

Inmate
An inmate awaiting trial on a murder charge is suing the county, complaining he has lost more than 100 pounds because of the jailhouse menu. Apparently, he's afraid he might start looking too good for the other inmates.

April 25th 2008

Friday Leftovers.... for comments, ideas, suggestions or whatever please e-mail me at
pedrobartes@hotmail.com
you all have a great weekend.....

Sorcerers
Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to shrink men's penises. Police kept a naked picture of Rosie O’Donnell as evidence.

Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to shrink men's penises, thus giving lots of men another excuse besides cold water: “Honey, I just had a spell cast upon me.”

Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to shrink men's penises in what some residents said was an attempt to extort cash with the promise of a cure. Apparently, Larry Craig traveled to Congo to offer the cure for free.

Blackberry
Fox News reported that someone from the Mexican delegation was caught in camera pocketing several White House BlackBerries during a recent meeting in New Orleans. Apparently, he thought it was his job to pick up the blackberries, strawberries, any kind of berries…

Fox News reported that someone from the Mexican delegation was caught in camera pocketing several White House BlackBerries during a recent meeting in New Orleans. Expect Lou Dobbs to do a 48-hour special this weekend.

Obama
In a youtube video that has been circulating heavily on the web, Obama refuses to answer a question about Hamas support because he was eating waffles. It is expected he’ll put on more than 20 lbs during Sunday interview with Chris Wallace in Fox with all waffles he will have to eat to avoid certain questions.

Rice
In response to soaring world prices, Costco and Sam's Club are limiting the amount of rice shoppers can purchase, thus providing men with an excuse to cancel their weddings.

Wesley Snipes
During his final statement and before receiving a 3 year- sentence for tax evasion, actor Wesley Snipes said that he’s unschooled in the science of law and finance. Now President Bush is thinking of pardoning him and making him part of his administration.

Wesley Snipes was sentenced to 36 months in prison for tax evasion. His agent said that it is actually not that bad as he expects to shoot at least 5 movies inside the penitentiary.

Costumes
The Shanghai Sheraton put their window washers in Spider-Man costumes Tuesday. Not a novelty though: in the US Motel Six has been putting their window washers and all their staff members in Illegal Immigrants costumes for years.

Miley Cyrus
Miley Cyrus plans to write her memoir. If you want to save time you don’t need to read it, just look at Britney and you already know the end.

April 24th 2008

Jenna
Jenna Bush said Thursday that she is not endorsing McCain and she's open to vote for Democratic candidates. Apparently Jenna had a change of heart when she saw Hillary chugging beers.

Bear
The bear that Will Ferrell wrestled in the movie "Semi-Pro" killed its trainer on Tuesday. Not to justify the bear, but I also felt like killing someone after I saw that movie.

Study
According to a study by the University of Exeter in Britain, women with a low-calorie diet have more chances to give birth to females. I guess I’ll be having a son...

Moscow
Moscow is being hailed as the new New York City. Do Moscow’s governors also have sex with hookers?

Obama
According to the elections in Pennsylvania, Barack Obama is doing poorly with Jewish voters. But if you think about it, they didn’t like Jesus either, did they?

Two high school seniors were suspended for skipping school to meet Obama at a diner in their hometown of Scranton. It is not the first time it happens. Once, two McCain followers were deprived of their J-Lo benefits as a punishment for escaping from their retirement homes to see McCain at a Bingo event.

Republican John McCain said Wednesday that he left a voice mail message for state party chairwoman Linda Daves asking her to pull an ad against Barack Obama, but he was not heard. Apparently, McCain’s voice mail message idea was mailing a reel to reel.

Hospital
A jury found Monday that a hospital did nothing wrong when it tried to examine the rectum of a construction worker who had been hit on the head by a falling wooden beam. Apparently, the jury just took a look at the doctor’s long, long fingers.

Hillary
According to Hillary’s campaign, she is en route to raise $10 million that will help her to continue running after the victory in Pennsylvania. Apparently, the GOP is cutting the check as we speak.

Some reporters are saying that Obama’s campaign is using product placement after they saw three guys standing two rows behind the candidate, each sporting t-shirts clearly bearing the logos of Abercrombie & Fitch. Apparently, it is a trend among candidates, if you pay close attention you’ll see McCain supporters with Metamucil logos and Hillary’s with T-shirts that read: Sabre Sciences Hot Flash Free Extra.

April 23rd 2008

Hospital
A jury found Monday that a hospital did nothing wrong when it tried to examine the rectum of a construction worker who had been hit on the head by a falling wooden beam. Apparently, the hospital knew the bill was going to be a pain in the ass and that’s why they requested the rectum examination.

Stephen Hawking
Stephen Hawking said Monday there may be primitive life in our region of the galaxy; there don't seem to be any advanced intelligent beings. Apparently, Mr. Hawking was referring to Congress.

Candidates
Presidential candidates appeared this week in several TV shows: Obama was a guest with John Stewart, Hillary with Colbert and McCain played a corpse in CSI Miami.

CNN
CNN reporter Richard Quest was arrested in Central Park for possession of drugs and loitering after he was found walking early Monday with a rope around his neck that was tied to his genitals. The CNN reporter didn’t understand the big deal and said he was just wearing suspenders like Larry King.

CNN and Larry King have agreed to a contract extension which will keep the anchor with the network until 2010 or after three more divorces, whichever comes first.

CNN and Larry King have agreed to a contract extension until 2010 which already beats the contract Larry has with the devil to live forever.

McCain
McCain's staff justified McCain’s benefit as a "disability pension" and said that he "was retired as disabled because of his limited body movements due to injuries as a POW” -nothing a little bit of Metamucil couldn’t fix.

Army
The armed forces are recruiting more and more convicted felons. Now members of congress won’t have any excuse to not enlist anymore.

DNA
DNA testing has begun on all 437 children of a West Texas polygamist cult. Apparently most of the fathers are Houston Rocket’s NBA players.

Miley Cyrus
Miley Cyrus plans to write her memoir. She’ll need lots of pages just to write the zeros of how much money she’s made so far.

April 22nd 2008

Deal or no Deal
President Bush made an appearance during the TV show Deal or no Deal to support one of the contestants. You know that it is easy for any contestant to win with the president’s help; you just need to do the opposite of what he tells you to do.

President Bush made an appearance during the TV show Deal or no Deal. According to the producers of the show, this time they could not give any money away because it costs a fortune to find people to fill a room that would cheer the president.

President Bush made an appearance during the TV show Deal or no Deal. Apparently, that’s part of Bush’s new economic plan; if he participates in 30,000 shows that give away $1 million, we’ll be back in track.

Airlines
Starting May 5th, Continental, Delta, Northwest, United and US Air will start charging $25 each way for a second bag and $100 for a third one. The way things are, sooner or later, Airlines are going to charge you extra for the bags under your eyes, your nut sacks and your package.

WWE
The three presidential candidates appeared Monday on World Wrestling Entertainment's live "Monday Night Raw." They all acted like pros; when it comes to fake moves, there’s nobody better than a politician.

The three presidential candidates appeared Monday on World Wrestling Entertainment's live "Monday Night Raw." The match was even until Hillary put both McCain and Obama in an ankle lock and the fight was over.

The three presidential candidates appeared Monday on World Wrestling Entertainment's live "Monday Night Raw." There’s no way anybody can beat Hillary in wrestling; Bill has been trying to put her on her back all his life and never could.

The three presidential candidates appeared Monday on World Wrestling Entertainment's live "Monday Night Raw." They addressed the audience from a big screen and still McCain managed to break his hip.

Bionic Eye
Surgeons have carried out two successful operations in Britain using a pioneering "bionic eye." The system is still primitive and they have not figured out yet how to get rid of the "tatatatatatata" sound every time they use the bionic eye.

Surgeons have carried out two successful operations in Britain using a pioneering "bionic eye" which incorporates a video camera and transmitter mounted on a pair of glasses. The system is still so expensive that before you see anything you have to put up with a 30 second ad.

Obama
Michael Moore has endorsed Barack Obama for president. It is important for Barack because Moore is considered a heavy weight by the Democratic Party and every one else.

John McCain is questioning Barack Obama’s association with a radical U.S. bomber. I don’t think Obama ever knew he was Dick Cheney’s distant cousin.

Hillary
In a new TV ad against Obama, Hillary uses some footage of Osama Bin Laden. The strategy is well thought. Last time Hillary used the footage of a little girl in the 3 AM ads, the little girl came out saying she endorsed Obama, so Hillary’s campaign is hoping Osama Bin Laden will do the same.

Surgeons
According to the American Medical Association the United States may be facing a shortage of general surgeons especially with all the driving Britney Spears is doing these days.

Hi there, hey my wife loves this silly joke, so please feel free to add more names of TV shows that fit this criteria....that help me get her tired of it... this is the joke:

TV
NBC is creating a number of shows that are based around sponsors' products. Shows to come: Boston Market Legal, The Office Depot, International "House" of Pancakes, The Tyra Bank of America Show, CSI Kentucky Fried Chicken, Dancing with the Starbucks, Sex and the City Bank and Saved by the Taco Bell.

April 21st 2008

Pope
Pope Benedict XVI celebrated Mass at the Yankee Stadium on Sunday from a white altar perched over second base. Members of the clergy believe there was a hidden message for them with the location of the altar; apparently, second base is how far they can get when they are on a “date.”

Economy
According to a Washington Post-ABC News poll, nine in 10 Americans now give the economy a negative rating. The only one happy with the economy was the one selling Pope merchandise.

Sign Language
A new study by the Rochester Institute of Technology has found that sign language interpreting causes more physical stress to the body than office jobs, especially if you have to interpret a conversation among the women of The View.

Smoke
A thick cloud of smoke covered Buenos Aires in Argentina for the fifth day on Saturday. Some believe it was due to the fallout of field burning, others think it was just a week long celebration of 4/20.

Old People
New research indicates the happiest Americans are the oldest, especially if you are John McCain and the Democrats are handing you the presidency.

New research indicates the happiest Americans are the oldest. Unfortunately, the research wasn’t accurate as the reason why the old people surveyed jumped and screamed celebrating was because they thought they were being asked to participate in “The Price is Right.”

A study says that older Americans are the happiest. It makes sense when you look at the presidential candidates and you know you might not have to deal with them. Wouldn’t you be happy too?

McCain
According to Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, John McCain only crossed the aisle to the Democratic side three times in 26 years. And that because he needed to go to the bathroom and the Republican one was taken by Larry Craig.

Danica Patrick
Danica Patrick became the first female to win a race in IndyCar history Sunday. Apparently, unlike Hillary, she had the right number of delegates.

Danica Patrick became the first female winner in IndyCar history Sunday. She wanted to finish fast because she didn’t want to miss Sunday’s episode of Desperate Housewives.

TV
NBC is creating a number of shows that are based around sponsors' products. Shows to come: Boston Market Legal, The Office Depot, International "House" of Pancakes, The Tyra Bank of America Show and CSI Kentucky Fried Chicken.

April 18th 2008

Friday leftovers... Please e-mail me with any comments, suggestions, ideas, they are all welcome...
pedrobartes@hotmail.com

Pope
Pope Benedict held mass for fifty thousand people at the Washington Nationals' new stadium Thursday. It didn’t look Papal when the Holiness walked towards the altar erected in the center of the stadium, grabbed his “cojones” several times and spat tobacco.

Pope Benedict XVI plans on his final day in the States to have a big Mass at the New York Yankees Stadium on Sunday. The schedule might change after a request from the New York Knicks to be given their Last Rites.

Happy
In a new study by the University of Pennsylvania, 42% of people in households making $30,000 or less said they were very happy. Unfortunately, the study cannot be considered accurate as it was conducted on payday.

Praying
A passenger who left his seat to pray in the back of a plane before it took off, was removed by an airport security guard, a witness and the airline said. The guard became suspicious when the person said he was praying to thank for the airplane food he was about to be given.

A passenger who left his seat to pray in the back of a plane before it took off, was removed by an airport security guard, a witness and the airline said. When asked by authorities the passenger said "Wouldn’t you do the same if you saw your pilot drunk?”

Debate
More than 10 million people saw the Democratic presidential debate on ABC. The ratings are misleading as people mistook Stephanopoulos with Simon Cowel being harsh with one of the contestants.

More than 10 million people saw the Democratic presidential debate on ABC. I don’t know about you, but I thought I was watching the Rodney King tape with all the beating Obama got.

Critics ripped ABC journalists Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopoulos, hosts of the last Democratic debate, accusing them of favoring Hillary throughout the entire debate. ABC released a statement saying that they were forced to have those hosts after the Pope and the Dalai Lama refused to host the debate.

Prescription
New research shows painkillers may increase migraines. Especially when you are Rush Limbaugh and you are caught buying them illegally.

New research shows painkillers may increase migraines. Especially when you find out all the things you did wrong after you took several of them.

April 17th 2008

Pope
Almost 13000 people gathered at the White House to greet the Pope Wednesday and all of them shared a pray with the Holiness. Apparently the White House has not seen so much kneeling since Bill Clinton left office.

Almost 13000 people gathered at the White House to greet the Pope Wednesday. They left disappointed though as they expected to see the Pope practicing an exorcism on Dick Cheney.

President Bush picked up the Pope at the airport after his arrival. While in the Limo, Bush asked the pope if he wanted to drive it, because if the Holiness was driving him, all his friends would think he’s God.

Hillary
During the Democratic debate in Pennsylvania and while explaining her Bosnia comments, Hillary said she is not dumb. “Well...” said Bill while dusting off the glitter off his briefs...

According to a recent poll only 39 percent of Americans trust Hillary. She is noticing her decline in popularity as nobody has called her at 3 AM in weeks.

Bush
Barack Obama made $4.2 million last year mostly from his two books. After hearing the news, Bush was very happy and said that he expects to make $2.1 million after he leaves the White House, until somebody told him Obama wrote the books, not just read him.

Titanic
Researchers claim that the Titanic sunk faster because the shipbuilder used cheap, substandard rivets on the hull. Apparently, those are the same kind of rivets that are holding Hillary’s campaign.

Gas
The price of oil broke a record Wednesday with $115 a barrel. The gas price is so high that after Bush picked up the Pope at the airport, he asked his Holiness to lift his rope and show some legs with the hope someone would give them a ride to the White House.

Cancer
Researchers at the Cancer Council Victoria in Melbourne, Australia have found that men who take care of themselves more than five times a week are 33% less likely to develop prostate cancer. Apparently, the suggestion came about when an Australian researcher was caught looking at porn by his wife for the fifth time.

Researchers at the Cancer Council Victoria in Melbourne, Australia have found that men who take care of themselves more than five times a week are 33% less likely to develop prostate cancer. Who would have ever thought that Pee Wee Herman was going to be associated to the cure for cancer?

Tax
A California legislator wants a 1,500% tax increase on beer. He must have had too many of those beers if ever thought Americans would let that bill pass.

April 16th 2008

Pope
President Bush traveled to the airport Tuesday to greet Pope Benedict XVI upon his arrival to the US. Things got a little bit awkward when the president told the holiness that he loved his eggs.

The White House will hold a birthday dinner party in honor of the Pope Wednesday evening that the holiness won’t attend. He’s lucky he’s not going, because organizers had prepared a surprise he might have found distasteful: a little kid breaking out of the cake.

A video of the arrival of the Pope shows Jenna Bush greeting the Holiness with one hand and using the other to keep the strong wind from blowing her skirt up around her waist. The Pope, on the other hand, flashed his holy briefs to everybody.

Pope Benedict XVI plans on his final day in the States to have a big Mass at the New York's Yankee Stadium on Sunday. Apparently, he needs the power of everybody’s prayers so his flight back to Rome won’t be cancelled.

Love
Pope Benedict XVI and the Dalai Lama are visiting the US with a message of peace and love to all Americans and the rest of the world. Experts still wonder is all this love and beautiful message will still be enough to prevent a blood bath between Obama and Hillary tonight at the Democratic Presidential debate.

Amnesty International
According to a study released yesterday by Amnesty International, China executed the most people of any nation in 2007. Execution experts are prognosticating a better season for 2008 with all the protesting about the Olympic Games.

According to a study released yesterday by Amnesty International, China executed the most people of any nation in 2007. When Bush heard the news he said "chop, chop, guys, let’s be number one again!"

President Bush is sending $200 million in emergency aid to help starving countries across the world. Unfortunately, the Bush administration chose American Airlines to deliver the goods.

China
China is preparing an arsenal of rockets and aircrafts to protect the Olympics opening ceremony from rain, hoping to disperse clouds the day of the ceremony. Organizers are the only ones praying for a sunny day. Protesters want a cloudy day; otherwise those rockets will be aimed at them!

Marilyn Monroe
A sex video of Marilyn Monroe kneeling in front of a man the face of whom cannot be seen on the tape was sold for 1.5 million dollars. Experts believe that judging by the size of the head in the shadow on the floor, the person in the video wasn’t JFK but his brother Ted.

Divorce
According to a recent report, married gay couples are having problems getting divorced. Apparently, when it comes to dividing their belongings, nobody wants to be the bottom and get screwed.

Toy Story 3
Disney will release "Toy Story 3" in 2009. This time, it is a horror movie because it is the story of a Chinese toy full of lead.

Garbage
Volunteers of Ocean Conservancy scoured 33,000 miles of shoreline worldwide on a single day last September and found 6 million pounds of debris from cigarette butts, food wrappers and bottles. Apparently, that was the day Rosie O’Donnell had a little picnic on the beach.

Pope
President Bush traveled to the airport Tuesday to greet Pope Benedict XVI upon his arrival to the US . Things got a little bit awkward when the president told the holiness that he loved his eggs.

April 15th 2008

McCain
John McCain said Monday that next week he’ll begin a tour of places that have never seen a candidate for President before. Apparently, McCain is starting his tour in heaven...

John McCain said Monday during his campaign he’ll be visiting places far removed from the prosperity that is enjoyed elsewhere in America. Apparently, McCain is going get off his bus for the first time.

Pope
Pope Benedict XVI arrived in Washington Tuesday for a six-day visit to the U.S. His stay may be extended to a couple of months depending on whether or not Bush decides to go to confession.

Survey
American Research Group Inc released Monday a survey showing Sen. Hillary Clinton leading Sen. Barack Obama by 20 percentage points in Pennsylvania. Apparently Hillary is not the only one drinking these days.

IRS
According to an IRS report, the average American spends 26-and-a-half hours preparing their tax form. Actually, the great majority spends a little bit more, but the average goes down because of Wensley Snipes.

Boy
Republican Rep. Geoff Davis apologized to Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama on Monday after referring to him as "that boy" during a Republican gathering Saturday night. Davis said that he didn’t mean to insult Obama, and added that next to McCain any 47-year-old is still a boy.

Bush
According to the History News Network, 98% of professional historians believe George W. Bush's presidency has been a failure. Bush responded that these historians will be all dead when history judges him favorably.

Record
13-year-old Andrew Dahl of Blaine, Washington established a world record after inflating 213 balloons in an hour using just his nose. Now Amy Winehouse wants to establish another record by sucking out the air of those balloons with her nose in less than 5 minutes.

Cheney
A picture of Dick Cheney during a fishing trip with what appeared to be a naked woman reflected in his sunglasses in the close-up circulated the web last week. The Bush administration released a statement saying that Cheney had gone fishing with Larry Craig.

A picture of Dick Cheney during a fishing trip with what appeared to be a naked woman reflected in his sunglasses in the close-up circulated the web last week. The Bush administration confirmed it was a naked woman, but said it is part of a new medical procedure to ensure Cheney’s heart is still beating.

April 14th 2008

Pope
On Wednesday, there will be a formal welcoming ceremony for the Pope on the South Lawn of the White House with an attendance estimated in 12,000 guests. It wasn’t hard to get so many guests; the White House circulated a flier saying the Pope was going to be there signing the checks for the Church Abuse settlement.

President Bush and his wife, Laura, will host a White House dinner in honor of the Pope Wednesday evening that the pope won’t attend. What a party "poper!"

China
China is preparing an arsenal of rockets and aircrafts to protect the Olympics opening ceremony from rain, hoping to disperse clouds the day of the ceremony. In spite of the fact that protesters want the ceremony spoiled, they also pray for a sunny day, otherwise those rockets will be aimed at them!

Viagra
The general manager of a Shanghai chemical company was jailed for two years on Thursday for selling fake Viagra on the Internet. Hopefully, his cellmates are the same ones that bought the tablets he sold.

Hillary
During her campaign in Indiana, Hillary Clinton visited the Bronko’s Restaurant and Lounge and had some whisky and beer with the owners. No wonder she doesn’t want to quit the race; she is so drunk she probably sees double the number of delegate she has.

Hillary Clinton said that Obama was condescending and elitist for saying that poor people are bitter. Then she went back to counting the $109 million the Clintons made in the last eight years.

During her campaign in Indiana, Hillary Clinton visited the Bronko’s Restaurant and Lounge and had a shot of whisky. Later on the day, during a speech, Hillary said she had been shot by a sniper called Jack.

Fire destroyed a campaign office of presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton in western Indiana early Friday and, fortunately, nobody was injured. Well… wait until Hillary tells this story!

GE
General Electric reported a disappointing profit Friday. General Electric stocks were immediately downgraded to Cadet Electric.

Oil
35 out of 120 international oil companies have qualified to bid for future oil and gas contracts to develop one of the world's largest oil fields in Iraq. Iraqi officials told the other companies not to despair because there will be another bid pretty soon for Iranian oil fields.

Celebrities
Britney Spears triggered a minor accident on a freeway in Los Angeles' San Fernando Valley on Saturday evening, It is official; she now has more hits with her car than with her music career.

Vanilla Ice was arrested on Florida for beating up his wife. He now claims he was "under pressure."

Torch
Uruguay held the biggest barbecue in the world sizzling up 26,400 pounds of beef on Sunday. Uruguayan officials said it tasted great because they used the Olympic torch (which was traveling through Argentina) to start the fire.

April 11th 2008

Friday leftovers..... For comments, suggestions, ideas please e-mail me at
pedrobartes@hotmail.com
You all have a great weekend.......

American Idol
The three presidential candidates did an appearance during the special edition of American Idol. It was the first time Paula Abdul didn’t look like the dumb one.

Hillary Clinton did an appearance during the special edition of American Idol. After her performance Randy Jackson said that she was a little "Bitchy."

Text Message
On Wednesday, federal regulators approved a plan to create a nationwide emergency alert system using text messaging. Apparently, they hired someone fast and reliable when it comes to text messaging: Detroit Mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick.

Hillary
Democrat Hillary Rodham Clinton is proposing to spend $4 billion a year on anti-crime measures; she is good at that, she can eliminate snipers with only one speech.

Couric
CBS announced that Katie Couric isn't leaving anytime soon. Don’t be so sure; apparently, that piece of news was written by Dan Rather…

Bush
President Bush has halted troop withdrawals from Iraq, not because things are going well there, but rather because things are going even worse here.

Only 22 percent of Americans think the country is going in the right direction. Those are the ones that own parachutes.

Study
Women seeking a lifelong mate might do well to choose the guy a notch below them in the looks category said James McNulty a researcher of the University of Tennessee who probably looks like a monster and came up with this study to get better quality tail.

Scientists say that fish oil can fight off Alzheimer's. That is if they remember to take one pill a day.

Larry Craig
Idaho Sen. Larry Craig recently revealed that he plans to write a book about the nation’s energy future. Apparently, he believes in creating energy with the friction of two sticks…

Idaho Sen. Larry Craig recently revealed that he plans to write a book about the nation’s energy future. Apparently, Craig likes global warming because it is another chance to see men with less clothes and all covered in sweat.

April 10th 2008

Tons of jokes today...for comments, suggestions, idea please e-mail me at
pedrobartes@hotmail.com

Baby with two faces
A baby with two faces was born in a northern Indian village, media reports say. She is considered a goddess because she can answer customer questions twice as fast as any other Indian tech support.

An apparently healthy baby girl with two faces has been born in northern India, media reports say. The baby has two mouths but only one set of ears, what makes her like any other woman; she can talk a lot, but hear almost nothing.

Lie Detectors
This month, the Pentagon will issue hand-held lie detectors to U.S. Army soldiers in Afghanistan. They costs $7500 each and are 60% accurate. Some people think it is a waste of money because we can use another device with 50% accuracy that’ll save us $7,499.75.... Just flip a quarter.

The Pentagon will begin equipping U.S. soldiers with hand-held lie detectors. Expect fewer and fewer visits from politicians in the area.

Eggs
Middle-aged men who eat seven or more eggs a week have a higher risk of earlier death, U.S. researchers reported on Wednesday. Also with a higher risk of earlier death are those who live near the people that eat seven or more eggs a week especially if they pass gas a lot.

Discovery
Australian scientists uncovered several 35,000-year-old "tools." Apparently, they found Ryan Seacrest’s, the Baldwin brothers’ and Tyra Bank’s ancestors.

Singers
Beyoncé was wearing a huge diamond ring at Jay-Z’s concert in Atlanta on Tuesday night. Reporters cannot decide weather this is a confirmation that they are married or Jay-Z has been caught cheating on her.

Ashlee Simpson announced yesterday that she and Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz are engaged. She also announced that she’ll get into the studio this week to record her vows to be able to lip-sync them at the wedding ceremony.

Bible
A new survey confirms that the Bible is America's favorite book, especially among politicians who are killing time at motels waiting for their escorts to arrive.

GOP convention
Bars and restaurants in Minneapolis will be able to open until 4 am during the Republican National Convention. It makes a lot of sense if we take into account that we voted our last president because he was American’s favorite candidate to have a beer with.

Bars and restaurants in Minneapolis will be able to open until 4 am during the Republican National Convention. As for the bathrooms, GOP members requested they stay open 24 hours a day.

Airlines
American Airlines canceled more than 1,000 flights yesterday. It immediately increased their average of delayed people by 2.

Buckner
Bill Buckner has thrown out the ceremonial first pitch at the Red Sox opening game at Fenway Park. The ceremony was delayed because Buckner arrived late after “he couldn’t catch” his ride in time.

Guns
Lawmakers in Florida passed a bill that would allow people to take their guns to work with them except some places like prisons and schools. Aren’t those the places where you need guns the most?

Lawmakers in Florida passed a bill that would allow people to take their guns to work with them. I can’t wait for my boss to tell me again I can’t xerox my ass again in the community printer.

April 9th 2008

Iraq
The top US commander in Iraq, General David Petraeus, told Congress Wednesday that we haven't seen any lights at the end of the tunnel in Iraq. Actually, we can see the light from 3 to 3:30 am, the only time Iraqis have electricity available.

Starbucks
In order to reconnect with the company's customers, Starbucks gave away Wednesday its new Pike Place Roast, a fresh-brewed coffee, from 9 to 9:30 am. Unfortunately for the customers it took baristas half hour to prepare one cup of coffee.

Bush
In a recent survey historians said that only 1.8 percent of the Bush’s presidency could be classified as a success. Apparently, they took into account Bush’s vacation time.

Cheney
The secret service is expected to spend more than $4 million to protect Dick Cheney’s life for six months after the Bush administration leaves office. Cheney will be mostly surrounded with guys with defibrillators and a special CPR unit.

Unlike any other vice president in history, Dick Cheney will continue to have secret service agents assigned to him after he leaves office next year to the cost of $4 million. The agents will do anything they can to prevent Dick Cheney from ever stepping into the White House again.

Hillary
Traders in the Dublin-based Intrade prediction market are giving Hillary Clinton 12.8% chances of being the Democratic presidential nominee. Unfortunately for Hillary, they also believe Detroit is going to win the World Series.

Cemetery
Officials in Copenhagen, Denmark announced plans for a gay-only cemetery space. It’ll be the only cemetery where people are buried face down

April 8th 2008

Bush
According to a recent survey, 61% of the top historians in the U.S. rank George W. Bush as the worst president ever. When the president was told about it, he said he still has some months to convince the other 39%.

According to a Russian newspaper, a sniper located in the airport roof that was in charge of protecting the plane where President Bush arrived, pulled his pants down and went number two without leaving his post. Apparently, that is part of Russia’s sniper training, to create a body-double of your protected subject to confuse people.

Obama
While campaigning in Butte, Montana, Obama refused a shoe-shine from a local hero there. Apparently, Barak didn’t want to show his shoe size because people will immediately realize what half of him is white.

Probably, all politicians hate shoe-shining in public because they do not want people to see the kind of shoes they wear to work: clown shoes.

Olympics
The Olympic torch was extinguished several times as it traveled through Paris. Apparently, the French air of superiority kept putting it out.

The Olympic torch was extinguished several times as it traveled through Paris. Apparently, the high price of oil is affecting everybody.

Fergie
Singer Fergie confessed that she drinks vinegar to have a six pack stomach. Ironically, men need another kind of six pack to be able to put up with her bad breath, now.

Singer Fergie confessed that she drinks vinegar to have a six pack stomach. Judging by her face, we all thought the only celebrity drinking vinegar was Renée Zellweger.

Women
A new study from the University of Michigan shows that having a husband creates an extra seven hours of extra housework a week for women. But in all fairness, wives still have more free time, because they do not have sex anymore.

Gas
The U.S. will have this summer the first drop in motor fuel consumption since 1991. Apparently, Americans do not need gas anymore because they do not have jobs to drive to.

Ashcroft
Former Attorney General John Ashcroft drew the ire of students at liberal Skidmore College this week when he confused the name of Barack Obama with that of Osama bin Laden. I don’t think Ashcroft got it, because he immediately apologized to Osama.

Police
A man in Pennsylvania lost more than 200 lbs. to be able to become a policeman. The man is expected to regain the weight back in two weeks after a strict diet of donuts and pizza.

April 7th 2008

Economy
The U.S. economy lost 80,000 jobs in March. The government expects to get all those jobs back as soon as Oprah gets a new dog.

A new study suggests that men are more likely to make a risky financial gamble when sex is on their minds… Bernanky, you dirty bastard!

Hillary
Sen. Hillary Clinton will stop telling an emotional story about an uninsured pregnant woman who was denied medical care after the hospital proved the story was false. First it was the sniper story, now this new one… and we all thought the one most likely to have Alzheimer was going to be McCain.

Hillary Clinton told reporters she had been under sniper fire when she visited Bosnia in 1996. Reporters knew immediately that she was lying because what kind of sniper would miss those ankles?

According to the Clintons’s tax returns, they have donated $10 million to charity.... Charity, Crystal, Sheila, Cyndi...

Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton and former President Clinton made nearly $109 million since they left the White House. No wonder they are so desperate to go back there!

Fossilized Findings
DNA from fossilized human feces found in an Oregon cave is 14,300 years old. Apparently, researchers also found fossilized human tears and scratched rocks around it, which they suspect came from the same guy that defecated such a hard log.

DNA from fossilized human feces found in an Oregon cave is 14,300 years old. Researchers also found foot prints around it, and they believe they came from someone with a wide stance.

Archaeologists found 14,000 year old human feces. That proves the existence of lawyers even back then.

Larry King
Larry king, who coaches his son's Little League baseball team, got into a confrontation with one of the umpires. Larry won’t be able to attend future games because he got suspender-ed.

A story that circulated last week said that talk show host Larry King coaches his son's Little League baseball team. It is hard to believe he knows a lot about baseball, because we have only seen him throw softballs in TV.

McCain
During a speech on Martin Luther King Day, Senator McCain apologized to black people for opposing to creating a federal holiday in honor of the slain civil rights leader. He told black people not to worry, because when he becomes president they'll have tons of days off due to unemployment.

Smoking
Researchers from the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee discovered in a study that cities that ban smoking in bars have more drunk drivers on the road. How lazy are we getting that we need to get in our cars to go 25 ft away from the bar to be able to smoke.

Insomniacs
A study says insomniacs are at risk of developing major depression, especially when you spend all your night looking at the person they married.

Serb Farmer
A Serb farmer used a grinding machine to cut in half his farm tools and machines to comply with a court ruling that he must share all his property with his ex-wife. The farmer said that his wife can choose any part of the cow she wants, but when it comes to the sheep, she’ll get the head...

Mega Millions
A Detroit-area truck driver has won the $136 million Mega Millions lottery jackpot... In other news a Detroit resident just bought Detroit.

April 4th 2008

Friday Leftovers.... Hi there, please feel free to send any comments, suggestions or ideas
pedrobartes@hotmail.com
You all have a great weekend.
Pedro

Randi Rhodes
Air America host Randi Rhodes was suspended for calling Hillary Clinton a whore in a recent appearance. Hillary ignored the comments and said that if she was truly a whore all the superdelagates would vote for her.

New Kids on the Block
They may be pushing 40, but the New Kids on the Block are returning are planning to go on tour. They said they decided to keep the name despite of their ages, because they just moved to McCain’s neighborhood.

Celebrities
Supermodel Naomi Campbell was arrested at Heathrow Airport yesterday for spitting at a police officer. Apparently the officer didn’t want to return the cell phone she had thrown at him first .

In an upcoming autobiography, Bobby Brown said he never tried cocaine until he met Whitney Houston. Apparently until then, he had only done crack because he could not afford cocaine.

Studies
Sex therapists say the optimal amount of time for sexual intercourse is three to 13 minutes . Apparently that includes the time for the cigarette, the pizza and the usual apologies.

A study from the University of North Dakota found that drinking one cup of coffee per day can actually help prevent some forms of dementia. The study was immediately debunked by the fact only crazy people would pay more than 5$ for a Starbucks.

Gore
Sen. Barack Obama said Wednesday he would give Al Gore, a major role in an Obama administration . Later on, Obama clarified his statement and said that he just meant Al Gore has major rolls and should lose weight.

Is that a guitar in your pants?
Police are searching for a man accused of shoving an electric guitar in his pants and walking out of a store in Lewiston, Maine. Apparently Prince expressed a strong desire for that guitar which he said he would buy to play Jimmy Hendrix style, with his mouth.

April 3rd 2008

Hi everybody, good news, I’m in Newsday again. I want to take a moment to thank that great newspaper and Mr. Rasak for choosing one of my jokes. It is always an honor to see my name next great comedy writers. Check the link here.
http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun5636075apr03,0,5415312.story

Sex Scandal
The husband of U.S. Senator Debbie Stabenow told police he paid a prostitute $150 for sex at a hotel, according to a police report. The senator was really embarrassed, you know how bad she looks in front of other politician’s wives that her husband only paid 150$ for a prostitute.

Radio executive Tom Athans, husband of U.S. Sen. Debbie Stabenow was caught Feb. 26 by undercover officers investigating a possible prostitution ring in a room at the Residence Inn near Big Beaver and Interstate 75 in Detroit. He was surprised, he always thought that what happens in Big Beaver stays in Big Beaver.

Another sex scandal involving a politician and a prostitute. Whoever is making those light blue suits wives wear at the press conferences must be making a lot of money.

McCain
Republican candidate John McCain has been criticized by both Democratic candidates on his lack of economic knowledge. McCain’s staffers minimized those comments and said McCain is really good with numbers, and you can see that every day at Bingo Night.

Hillary
Hilary Clinton has made a new ad in which she says she’ll be ready to answer the phone at 3 AM to deal with an economic crisis. I don’t want to discourage her but if the economy continues to slow, chances are the phone calls at the White House will be answered by a receptionist in India.

Hilary Clinton has made a new ad in which she says she’ll be ready to answer the phone at 3 AM to deal with an economic crisis. She’s done it before, Bill has called drunk many times to complain he’s run out of money, and is in desperate needs of 1$ dollars bills.

Hillary Clinton has made another 3 AM phone call ad. It now seems she is running to become a receptionist at the White House.

Obama
Democratic presidential candidate Barak Obama got into a little confrontation with a photo seeker who according to the candidate has been selling his pictures on eBay. Apparently Obama was fed up with all the people on eBay selling toasts with his image on it.

Sen. Barack Obama told MSNBC's Chris Matthews that he has fallen off the wagon a couple of times when it comes to smoking. Judging by his bowling performance he definitely doesn’t smoke “Lucky Strikes”

Sen. Barack Obama told MSNBC's Chris Matthews that he has fallen off the wagon a couple of times when it comes to smoking. Now Fox is accusing him of having ties with terrorists because he smokes “Camels”

Studies
A recent study shows that after 5 years of marriage your happiness level plunge. 5 years, that long?

Scientists say they have created embryos by mixing the cells of humans and cows. Finally some good news for Bill Clinton.

April 2nd 2008

Craiglist
Police in Oregon captured the people responsible of posting an ad in craiglist which led to a guy’s house being totally ransacked. Now police is looking for the guy that posted the ad that let the Bush administration ransacked this country.

Wright
Controversial pastor Reverend Jeremiah Wright is getting a luxurious retirement home. The house came with a thank you note from the Republican Party and Hillary Clinton.

Fish
According to a new study, pregnant women who eat two or more servings of fish per week have smarter kids than women who don't eat fish at all. Did those ribs taste good Barbara?

Depression
A British newspaper claims that America is in a "Great Depression". Apparently the elimination of Chikezie from American idol left us all in awe.

Botox
A new study raises the concern that the popular anti-wrinkle treatment Botox may travel from its injection site into the brain. It might affect the patients so much that they start to believe their expressionless face looks good and normal.

Detroit
The graduation rate for Detroit Public Schools students is the worst in the country with only 25%. Ironically that’s the percentage of people that leave the city every year.

Students
A group of third-graders plotted to attack their teacher, bringing a broken steak knife, handcuffs, duct tape and other items for the job. The teacher knew about it, but ignored the warnings because she thought the students wanted just to get kinky with her.

April 1st 2008

Democrats
Despite efforts from Democratic Chairman Howard Dean, the war between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama continues. McCain hopes that like the war in Iraq, the Obama-Hillary war also lasts more than a hundred years.

Bush
The Bush Library Foundation is looking for a new website after www.GeorgeWBushLibrary.com, a domain they owned, expired and was bought by other company. They immediately tried with Bushlibrary.com but that site is owned already by Spitzer, Paterson and Kwame Kilpatrick to depict their conquests.

President Bush threw out the first pitch for the Washington Nationals Sunday. The pitch was high, so much so it hit the price of gas.

CPR
The American Heart Association said that hands-only CPR which means performing chest compressions without mouth-to-mouth works just as well for patients who are in cardiac arrest. The number of saved lives is expected to increase if we count the number of ugly people that had been left unattended before.

Nomophobia
A company in England coined the term “nomophobia", for those people who are afraid of not being able to use a mobile phone. In the U.S. we call them Sprint users.

Yahoo
Yahoo is launching a new website devoted to women between the ages of 25 and 54. There’s no much effort in it, just a link to Oprah’s site.

Gore
Al Gore celebrated his birthday yesterday. Don’t let him fool you, the numerous candles were not because he cares about global warming and don't want to use electricity, he’s just turning 60.

Hillary
Hillary Rodham Clinton’s struggling presidential campaign owes $292,000 in unpaid health insurance premiums for her campaign staff. Hillary justified it by saying that her staff is not the one under sniper fire.

Students
A new report by the nonprofit America's Promise Alliance found that only about half the students in 17 of the nation's 50 largest cities actually get a diploma. Teachers claimed that they are working to increase that number but they cannot have sex with all of them.