May 30th 2008

Obama
Barack Obama has released his medical records and he’s in perfect condition. “He’s healthy, but so was Robert Kennedy,” said Hillary.

Right wing media started to play sermons of a white pastor making controversial remarks in favor of Obama. You know things are going bad for Hillary when even white pastors support Obama.

After the success of the latest Indiana Jones movie, producers are working on a new one. This time Indiana Jones will dig up old tapes of Obama’s pastors. It’s called “Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Angry Pastors.”

Wedding
A bride and groom were shot by a stranger during their wedding in Arkansas. The bride was extremely mad because the wedding was ruined, the groom was mad too because the hit man missed.

Craig
Senator Larry Craig is writing a tell-all book about his restroom scandal. Hopefully, is not a pop-up book.

Minds
Researchers have developed a computer that can read people’s minds. They thought the computer was broken when they used it for the first time, but then they realized they were trying it with Jessica Simpson.

Hillary
Hillary picked up another endorsement Friday, Ricky Martin’s, proving what the polls have been saying all along that she’s strong among middle-aged white women.

Amazon Indians from one of the world's last uncontacted tribes have been photographed from the air. Now Hillary is saying that she’s not going to stop running until we count their votes too.

NASA
According to NASA reports, the international space station's lone toilet is broken. And if they thought that cracks in Mars surface were huge, wait until they see the crack of the plumber they will send to fix the bathroom.

Water
Authorities in Florida said Thursday that Celine Dion tops the list of celebrities that waste water. Authorities said later that drowning her wouldn’t be considered wasted water though.

Authorities in Florida said Thursday that Celine Dion tops the list of celebrities that waste water. I agree; her singing is just a waste of so much saliva.

May 29th 2008

Hey everybody I'm back in Newsday! So let me thank Newsday and Mr Rasak for choosing one of my jokes. Awesome. Check it here:

http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun295705570may29,0,4357537.story

McCain
The McCain’s campaign released Friday the candidate’s medical records. Reporters discovered that McCain’s idea of a 100-year war with Iraq is not a novelty; apparently he’s been at war with his cholesterol way longer than that.

According to the media John McCain can’t get any big Hollywood stars to support him. Maybe his campaign is not selling McCain well, because any celebrity in Hollywood would love to be photographed next to a person that always makes you look like a teen.

McClellan
In his new book, former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan slams the Bush administration claiming they were dishonest and misleading. No wonder the Bush administration hired Dana Perino to replace McClellan, they wanted someone that can barely write.

After the release of former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan‘s book which slams the Bush administration and the president, the media repeatedly showed an old video where Bush said he’s going to spend his final days in Texas in rocking chairs next to McClellan. We all know now McClellan’s chair in Texas won’t be necessarily a rocking chair but an electric one.

In his new book, former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan slams the Bush administration claiming they were dishonest and misleading. President Bush is expected to react as soon as the book editors release the tape version of the book.

Dunkin’ Donuts
Dunkin’ Donuts has abruptly canceled an ad in which Rachael Ray wears a scarf that looks like a keffiyeh, a traditional headdress worn by Arab men after right wing groups complained about it. The company claimed no symbolism was intended with the scarf, they just wanted to have something around Ray’s neck to strangle her in case she became too annoying.

Some right wing bloggers complained to Dunkin’ Donuts because in a recent ad Rachael Ray wears a scarf that looks like a keffiyeh, a traditional headdress worn by Arab men. Bloggers showed their wrath by threatening Dunkin’ Donuts with a boycott to their bad coffee.

Sex and the City
During the premier of the movie Sex and the City, an angry crowd surged against police barricades, cursing and stomping because they couldn’t get tickets to see the movie. The protests before the movie were followed by riots after the movie from those who got tickets and got to see the movie.

More than two thousand women were rejected from the premier of the movie Sex and the City because there were not enough seats at the movie theater. Unfortunately, those same women were also rejected later on by men in at bar who didn’t want to have sex with drunken skunks pretending to be 40-year-old adolescents.

May 28th 2008

McCain
During a Tuesday speech, presidential candidate John McCain said that the United States is still a very a young country. Unfortunately, after 8 years of Bush, the country is in desperate need of some botox.

During Tuesday’s speech, presidential candidate John McCain said that the United States is still a very a young country. It makes sense, 230 years is still young for McCain.

During Tuesday’s speech, presidential candidate John McCain said that the United States is still a very a young country. Then McCain finished the speech screaming, “You, young country, get off my lawn!”

Presidential candidate John McCain tried really hard Tuesday to avoid being seen next to President Bush during a fundraiser that Bush headlined to raise money for McCain. To guarantee no public exposure, the McCain’s campaign gave the exclusive rights of the broadcast to Katie Couric.

NASA
According to NASA reports, the international space station's lone toilet is broken. “Who’s crazy now?” said Lisa Nowak, the astronaut famous for wearing diapers.

According to NASA reports, the international space station's lone toilet is broken. Apparently, one of the crew members had the Taco del Mar Mondo Burrito pill.

Incredible Hulk
A new Incredible Hulk movie is about to be released. In this one, Dr. Bruce Banner transforms himself into the Incredible Hulk every time he pumps gas.

A new Incredible Hulk movie is about to be released. In this one, Dr. Bruce Banner turns green and drives a Prius.

Plastic Surgery
According to plastic surgeons, the most common surgery for professional men who want to remain competitive in the job market is a chin enlargement. And that makes me wonder: How many TV hosts are behind Jay Leno’s tonight show gig now?

Cold
A Taiwan man grieving over the death of his girlfriend climbed inside a morgue freezer to be with her and was only pulled out alive half an hour later, media and an official said on Tuesday. The man told the press it was beautiful, it felt like any other night with her.

Bush
President Bush said Tuesday he feels upbeat for the economy, which he thinks is starting to get better. It was another of Bush’s grammatical mistakes, instead of upbeat for the economy, he probably meant beat up by the economy.

May 27th 2008

Hillary
Hillary Clinton danced for a few seconds to an Enrique Iglesias’ song while campaigning in Puerto Rico. She later said she was tempted to sing the song, but didn’t because you know what happens when the fat lady sings.

It was reported by the media last week that the Clinton’s campaign is $30 million in debt. Apparently, it has to do with airlines charging extra for all the baggage Hillary carries with her all the time.

Hospitals
According to a recent survey from the University of Miami, Florida, one in twenty patients have felt the urge to kill their doctor, especially when the patient discovered that her double D’s implants look like watermelons that had been smashed by Gallagher.

A male nurse in Miami was arrested by the police after he performed oral sex on a patient while the patient was waking up from the anesthesia. Apparently, the patient is extremely upset because he doesn’t know if his health insurance is going to cover him for that.

Cars
According to a new survey by General Motors, 9 out of 10 women would rather talk to a guy who drives a Toyota Prius than a guy with a Porsche. Unfortunately for the Prius owners, those women who like to talk to them will most likely end up in bed with the Porsche owner.

Oil
The chairman of Shell oil told the Senate that the high oil prices are simply a matter of supply and demand at work. The Oil companies supply the oil and then they demand it costs a fortune.

Back to life
A woman came back to life 17 hours after doctors thought she was dead. When she woke up, she asked if the gallon of gas was still $4 and begged the doctors to kill her again.

A woman came back to life 17 hours after doctors thought she was dead. Then she said she won’t die until the votes in Florida and Michigan are counted.

May 26th 2008

Memorial Day
President Bush spoke to the media on Memorial Day and said that as a sacrifice for the fallen soldiers he’s willing to give up reading.

Indy 500
The price of gas didn’t make the Indy 500 as spectacular as other years. It wasn’t the same when the announcer told the drivers to start the engines and the roaring was replaced by the purring of their Hybrids.

The Indianapolis 500 took place this Sunday. There were not as many competitors as other years because to save gas most of the teams decided to carpool.

The price of gas didn’t make the Indy 500 as spectacular as other years. Teams decided to save gas and forced their drivers to drive only 60 MPH.

The Indianapolis 500 took place this Sunday. Organizers were forced to explain that the number 500 is because of the number of laps and not the price of the barrel of gas.

The Indy 500 took place this Sunday. Organizers went out of their way to clarify that Indy 500 has nothing to do with the movie Indiana Jones and Harrison Ford’s age.

Hillary
Hillary Clinton apologized for her recent comments about not quitting running yet because her opponent could be assassinated like Robert Kennedy. She said she meant no disrespect to Obama and to make things up she bought him a beautiful convertible to drive around when he becomes president.

Obama said he didn’t take Hillary’s recent comments personal because after all the one that is most likely to be blown is her husband Bill.

Hillary is under a lot of fire for invoking the assassination of Robert F. Kennedy to explain why she hasn't given up the race to become the Democrat candidate. To what Hillary said, you see, I told you I was under sniper fire.....

During a speech in South Dakota, Former President Bill Clinton delivered a harsh critique of how his wife has been treated during her presidential bid, telling the crowd that he has "never seen a candidate treated so disrespectfully . His comments are valid because if there’s someone that knows about mistreating Hillary, that’s Bill

NASA
A NASA spacecraft plunged into the atmosphere of Mars and successfully landed in the Red Planet's northern polar region on Sunday. The Bush administration was ecstatic as Mars is now probably the only red state left in the universe.

A NASA spacecraft plunged into the atmosphere of Mars and successfully landed in the Red Planet's northern polar region on Sunday. NASA said the success is due to the idea of attaching the spacecraft to a barrel of gas.

The three presidential candidates showed a lot of interest on the latest NASA quest to find life in Mars. Apparently that’s the place they are thinking of sending Rev Wright, Bill Clinton and Bush.

McCain
President Bush will headline an event to raise money for John McCain where people will pay up to $25,000 to meet the president. The McCain campaign was skeptical people would pay to meet the presidency, until they were told insulting Bush was allowed.

Food
According to reports, Denver food vendors won’t be allowed to serve fried food at the Democratic Convention. Apparently after Hillary’s recent comments, if Ted Kennedy gets a clogged artery she becomes the number one suspect.

Phone
Research says that pregnant women may harm their babies by talking on the cell phone. Especially if they use the cell phone at a movie theater in front of an angry crowd.

May 23rd 2008

Friday Leftovers here! Please shoot me an e-mail if you have comments or suggestions, or any kind of feedback, I would love to hear from you all. Have a nice long weekend.
pedrobartes@hotmail.com

Pelosi
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said women won't suffer a “step back” if Democrat Hillary Clinton loses her presidential bid, and rejected the idea of sexism in the presidential campaign. Then she went back to ironing Harry Reid’s shirt.

McCain
Senator John McCain of Arizona is set to meet with at least three potential running mates at a gathering at his ranch this weekend in Arizona. As a nice gesture, potential candidates already bought some flowers to take to the meeting. Unfortunately, for McCain they were dried floral wreaths.

Gov. Charlie Crist of Florida is among the candidates the media thinks McCain might pick up as Vice president. McCain knows Crist very well, I mean Jesus Christ, as he is closer to heaven than earth.

Hillary
Time magazine reported Thursday that according to some people close to former President Bill Clinton, his view is that Hillary has earned nothing short than a Vice-presidential position offer. More than earned the position, she’s paid like $30 million out of her own pocket.

Soldiers
The US military has lifted a ban on sexual relations between unmarried men and women in the combat zone. Lots of babies will be born in combat because we all know the military has not been good at providing protection to the soldiers.

Cars
A Washington state man admitted that he's had sex with over 1,000 cars. Nothing to be ashamed of: with the high price of gas, every time I pump gas I feel my car is screwing me.

A Washington state man admitted that he's had sex with over 1,000 cars. What a car wouldn’t do for a gallon of gas!

A Washington state man admitted that he's had sex with over 1,000 cars. He's only ashamed of the time he had sex with a Hybrid, because that's kind of gay sex.

A Washington state man admitted that he's had sex with over 1,000 cars. He confessed that he's favorite one is the Tahoe.

A Washington state man admitted that he's had sex with over 1,000 cars. Nothing better than a Hummer for that.

Obama
Hillary Clinton’s campaign and a big part of the media say that Obama doesn’t have the support of white uneducated people, thus he cannot be president. Wouldn’t that be an incentive to vote for him, though? Wouldn’t you rather have a president that educates people to increase the number of supporters, rather than a president that would try to dumb them up so they continue voting for her?

Geographic Bee
An 11-year-old who knew Cochabamba is in Bolivia won the 20th annual National Geographic Bee on Wednesday. But to be fair, most of the kids whose parents are coke drug dealers would know the answer too.

An 11-year-old won the 20th annual National Geographic Bee on Wednesday after he correctly answered where Cochabamba was. President Bush congratulated the kid but said everybody knows Cochambaba is the place where Ritchie Valens is from.

May 22nd 2008

Who’s that?
McCain is so old that when he saw the preview of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull he said "who’s that boy, the one with the whip?”

George Michael performed at the season finale of American Idol. Things got a little awkward when he asked an assistant: “who’s that flamboyant gay dude?" referring to Ryan Seacrest.

Obama
Barack Obama spoke to the Crow Nation, a tribe of some 12,100 members in Montana, and was given the name "Black Eagle.” This is not the first time Native Americans gave names to politicians; apparently, Cheney is known as the "White Vulture."

Idol
Rocker David Cook won American Idol last night. Not all former winners had a career after Idol, so hopefully David Cook’s last name is not an indication of his future profession.

Chinese Magazine
The Chinese government fired all the editors of a magazine that showed models in bikini standing on top of earthquake rubble where people might have died. The magazine is planning another edition, this time bikini girls next to the firing squad that executed the editors of the magazine

Hillary
According to political analysts, Hillary Clinton is $30 million in campaign debt. I think this is Hillary’s sweetest revenge against Bill; she won’t stop running until she dries him out of all his money.

Hillary Clinton compared her effort to seat Florida and Michigan delegates to epic American struggles, including those to free the slaves. Apparently, she’s fighting so Florida delegates don’t get to be seated at the back of the convention.

Donkey
A donkey was locked up at a local jail in Chiapas, Mexico, for assault and battery. That’s bad news for all the American asses that go to Mexico for Spring Break.

Airlines
American Airlines will start charging $15 for the first checked bag. And a $100 if you want the bag to arrive at the same time you do.

American Airlines will start charging $15 for the first checked bag. It won’t take long for them to start charging you for the bag under your eyes, your nut sacks and your package.

May 21st 2008

Pilot
An airline pilot and a flight attendant were arrested after they were caught naked behind a shed near a diner on the outskirts of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. The pilot apologized and said that they were going to do it on the plane but the bathroom had been assigned to a passenger.

Jessica Alba
Jessica Alba, one of the most beautiful Hollywood actresses, quietly wed producer Cash Warren on Monday. I guess the name of the groom clearly explains why she chose him.

Jessica Alba, one of the most beautiful Hollywood actresses, quietly wed producer Cash Warren on Monday. She told some friends she's hoping for a fantastic 4 on the first night of the honeymoon.

Finger
Police say a Hutchinson woman bit off the end of her husband's finger and swallowed it during an argument at their home over the weekend. The woman said she did nothing wrong because with all the times he had given her the finger she assumed it was hers.

Blind
The American Council for the Blind are suing the treasury department; they say blind people have a difficult time distinguishing small bills from large bills because the $1 bill is identical in size to the $20 bill. The treasury claims there‘s no point in making them different because after all none of the bills buy squat.

Phones
According to a survey by Nationwide insurance, the number of Americans using the phone in their cars has increased considerably. Apparently, it has to do with the number of Americans living in their cars due to foreclosure.

McCain
Senator John McCain’s chief advertising strategist, Mark McKinnon, announced Tuesday that he was resigning, because he doesn’t want to work against Obama and be forced to smear such a great candidate. McCain wasn’t worried, because soon there will be lots of unemployed strategists from the Hillary campaign ready to smear Obama.

Iran
The Jerusalem Post reported Tuesday that President George W. Bush intends to attack Iran before the end of his term. I hope the paper doesn’t expect to win a Pulitzer for that piece.

May 20th 2008

Obama
Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama spoke Sunday to 75,000 people, the biggest crowd of his campaign, during a rally in Oregon. Apparently, the secret was that they were offering gas for 99 cents a gallon.

Accident
An overturned tractor-trailer spilled 14 tons of Oreos all over a road outside of Chicago. Unfortunately, the next day, only the creamy part had been cleaned off the road.

Video Game
Two guys in Belgium invented a urinal video game that you play by controlling the direction of your pee. So far, the record holder is R Kelly.

Bush
The White House on Monday called on NBC News to set the record straight on "deceitful" editing of an interview with President Bush. They suspected there was something wrong because the president sounded intelligible.

President Bush is said to be worried about the latest Pentagon’s announcement of the deployment of 42,000 troops to Iraq. Apparently, the President is concerned he might have to give up tennis now.

ER
A survey has revealed that in the last year, 69% of emergency room doctors in New York City saw a patient suffering because there weren't enough beds to admit them into the hospital. Well of course, if it is like in Grey’s Anatomy, most of the beds are taken by doctors screwing each other.

Technology
Scientists say modern technology is ruining our ability to think for ourselves. Let me Google the report and I can tell you more about it.

Speech
Montana's governor Brian Schweitzer gave a commencement speech at Opheim High School in Opheim, where only one kid graduated. It was easy to spot the kid; he was the only one laughing his ass off at how lame the speech was.

Divorce
A Saudi woman wants to divorce her husband because he tried to sneak a look at her face, which had been veiled at all times during their 30 years of marriage. Apparently, that was the day she didn’t trim her moustache.

Kennedy
Ted Kennedy’s doctor said that the senator was doing better and that the Red Sox victory over Kansas with a no-hitter will help him recover fast. Apparently, the doctors forgot how Kennedy celebrates victories.

Stats
A new poll from "New York" magazine found that 12% of New York women have cheated on their significant others and most of them with a governor of New York.

President Bush said that it is appalling that 42% of kids born into poor families remain poor as adults. He will strive to make it a 100%.

According to a new study by ABC News, 47% of pet owners believe their animals go to heaven when they die. But 100% of people who step on dogs’ poop believe dogs go to hell.

According to a new survey by Group Health, 29% of men admit that they have been victims of domestic violence. The other 71% nervously said no while their wives were standing behind them.

May 19th 2008

Gay Marriage
Ellen DeGeneres announced during the taping of her talk show Friday that she’s marrying her girlfriend Portia de Rossi. We can definitely rule out a shotgun wedding.

The California Supreme Court has ruled that gay marriage is legal. If you thought that the fight for the bouquet caused accidents in a heterosexual wedding, can you imagine in a gay wedding where all the guests will be fighting for it?

Hillary
The Clinton campaign has been complaining lately that after the West Virginia victory the media has decided to ignore Hillary and is not covering her anymore. In fact the only flashes Hillary sees around now are the hot flashes.

Political experts believe the only way Hillary can get the Democratic nomination is with a miracle. “And if there’s someone that can make miracles, is a pastor,” said Rev Jeremiah Wright.

Bush
President Bush was harshly criticized when he said he gave up golf as a personal sacrifice for the troops in Iraq. Bush apologized and said “OK, I will give up reading instead.”

During an online interview, President Bush said he'd made a personal sacrifice in honor of the troops in Iraq by giving up golf. Fortunately, that means we won’t get in a war with Iran, because I don’t think Bush will give up another hobby like biking.

Huckabee
Republican Mike Huckabee responded to an offstage noise during his speech to the National Rifle Association by suggesting it was Barack Obama diving to the floor because someone had aimed a gun at him. Actually, people thought the noise came from Huckabee falling to the floor after shooting himself in the foot.

Republican Mike Huckabee made a tasteless remark during a speech for the National Rifle Association when he suggested that some noise was Obama diving to the floor because someone had aimed a gun at him. NRA people were so shocked that even Charlton Heston dropped his gun in the coffin.

Republican Mike Huckabee apologized for a remark he made at a NRA meeting when he suggested that some noise was Obama diving to the floor because someone had aimed a gun at him. The correction was not much better; he is now saying it was Hillary diving to the floor to avoid sniper fire.

John McCain
Republican presidential candidate John McCain rejected the idea of the SNL writers to wear a dress during an SNL sketch. He immediately got phone calls from Giuliani and Larry Craig who offered themselves as his body-doubles.

Republican presidential candidate John McCain rejected the idea of the SNL writers to wear a dress during an SNL sketch. He was right; it might have been weird to see him in a dress boarding the straight talk bus.

Smile
A German scientist claims that smiling can be bad for your health, especially if you laugh at fat jokes in front of your wife.

Shia LaBeouf
Shia LaBeouf says he soiled his pants until he was 12. That’s why he bonded so well with Harrison Ford, who started soiling his pants a couple of years ago.

Osama bin Laden
Osama bin Laden released a new message on Sunday. Apparently, he complained to the US media and asked them to stop mistaking his name with Obama’s.

Jason Giambi
The Daily News reported the Jason Giambi wears a gold thong under his uniform pants to snap out of a slump. His only problem is to control Roger Clemens and Alex Rodruiguez at a piled up celebration.

The Daily News reported the Jason Giambi wears a gold thong under his uniform pants to snap out of a slump. Apparently, since he’s started wearing the thong, it has made it easier for him to get at least third base.

Cindy McCain
Cindy McCain rated last on a poll about mothers with a positive influence in the U.S. Fortunately, not everything went bad for Cindy as she was voted the number one MILF.

Kennedy
Senator Ted Kennedy was hospitalized Saturday after having some kind of seizure. Apparently, he suffered the attack when he found out he’d run out whiskey.

Botox
Some doctors in Hollywood started using botox injections in breasts instead of the regular plastic surgery. The only problem with botox in your breasts is that you end up with your nipples in your forehead.

Celebrities
Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz got married Saturday. Guests and friend were extremely happy, especially when they found out neither the groom nor the bride were going to be performing at the wedding.

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz got married Saturday. Apparently they were waiting until gay marriage was allowed in California.

May 16th 2008

Friday Leftovers. Hey shoot me an e-mail with any comments or ideas at pedrobartes@hotmail.com
You all have a nice weekend.

James McGreevey
During his divorce case, Former New Jersey Gov. James McGreevey told the judge that now he's too poor to pay alimony. He’s now a "hobosexual."

During his divorce case, Former New Jersey Gov. James McGreevey told the judge that now he's too poor to pay alimony. Apparently, the judge recommended him to move to California and marry a rich man.

During his divorce case, Former New Jersey Gov. James McGreevey told the judge that now he's too poor to pay alimony. Apparently, now he’s setting his threesome dates at soup kitchens.

Water
The Shuttle Endeavor will carry on its next mission a machine that turns pee into water. Apparently, NASA engineers followed the model of the Bud light machine that turns pee into beer.

Wind
A woman in England has been awarded $10,000 by a British court because her boss repeatedly broke wind in her direction. During his testimony, the boss said he thought she was all right with it because she kept on pulling his finger.

Marriage
Gay marriage is now legal in California. Finally some good news for Ryan Seacrest!

McCain
In a new TV spot, John McCain outlined the accomplishment he will have made in 2013 after elected president. The biggest one: Staying alive.

Presidential candidate John McCain stated in a TV ad that in 2013 with him as a president, there will be peace in the Middle East, the economy will be booming, and the Iraq war will be over. Unfortunately, the dream was over when a nurse woke him up from the nap.

Presidential candidate John McCain released a TV spot Thursday where he described how things will look in 2013 after four years of his presidency. Apparently, Bingo night will be on Mondays and movie nights on Tuesdays after his presidency at the retirement community in Florida.

Presidential candidate John McCain released a TV spot Thursday where he described how things will look in 2013 after four years of his presidency. Political experts were quite skeptical, not so much about the booming economy or the peace in the Middle East, but nobody believed the spot when it said that Amy Winehouse will perform at the White House in 2013.

TV
Network TV viewership has dropped 9% in the past year. The reason is simple: those who bought High-Def TV’s and watched "The View" for the first time in High-Def will never watch TV again.

Dog "The Bounty Hunter" will be back on TV soon. Some media experts speculate Fox News hired him to cover the Obama campaign.

May 15th 2008

Bush
During an online interview yesterday, President Bush said he'd made a personal sacrifice in honor of the troops in Iraq by giving up golf. Giving up golf? “Why didn’t I think of that?” said Jesus.

Girl Scout
A 15 year-old girl Scout sold 17,328 boxes of Girl Scout cookies this year, all of them to Roger Clemens.

A 15 year-old girl Scout sold 17,328 boxes of Girl Scout cookies. Apparently Michael Moore was hungry that morning.

A 15 year-old girl Scout sold 17,328 boxes of Girl Scout cookies. Apparently, changing the scout outfit for the Miley Cyrus look in Vanity Fair pays off.

A 15 year-old girl Scout sold 17,328 boxes of Girl Scout cookies to pay for her trip to Europe. Unfortunately, the airline now demands she buys two tickets because after eating all of those cookies she’s too fat for just one seat.

Drugs
According to medical records, the U.S. government has injected hundreds of foreigners it has deported with dangerous psychotropic drugs against their will to keep them sedated during the trip back to their home country. That proves, once again, that illegals get all the benefits in this country.

According to medical records, the U.S. government has injected hundreds of foreigners it has deported with dangerous psychotropic drugs against their will to keep them sedated during the trip back to their home country. Don’t you wish the government would do that to you before you board a Southwest flight?

According to medical records, the U.S. government has injected hundreds of foreigners it has deported with dangerous psychotropic drugs against their will to keep them sedated during the trip back to their home country. After hearing the news, Paula Abdul was seen walking around Home Depot and screaming "Si Señor!" to immigration officials.

According to a new study, 51% of Americans regularly take prescription drugs; the other 49% are not following the elections.

May 14th 2008

Hillary
After the victory in West Virginia, Hillary Clinton told her supporters nothing will stop her from running. If she continues running like this, she’s got serious chances to represent the US in China for the woman’s marathon at the Olympic Games.

Hillary Clinton obtained 70 percent of the votes in West Virginia or, for the voters in West Virginia to understand, way more than half of a pizza.

Political analysts say that Hillary’s strongest support comes from uneducated white people. Today President Bush gave his endorsement to Hillary.

Accident
A man in Texas used a loaded gun to scratch his back and ended up shooting himself. He wasn’t unhappy though; that day he had lots of gold-bond powder in his underpants.

Thief
A Malaysian woman woke up to a real-life nightmare, discovering that the naked man who had slipped into her bed in the middle of the night was a thief, not her husband, a newspaper said on Tuesday. But she didn’t say anything until the next morning and actually tipped the thief on the way out.

Bush
During an online interview yesterday, President Bush said he's made a personal sacrifice in honor of the troops in Iraq and gave up golf. Then he said “Psych, now watch my drive...”

During an online interview yesterday, President Bush said he's made a personal sacrifice in honor of the troops in Iraq and gave up golf. Ironically, a natural golf course opened in the Green zone of Iraq with all the sand and the holes left after the recent insurgent’s attacks.

Obama
During his campaign in West Virginia, Senator Barack Obama visited a local billiards hall to play pool with the locals. He had an advantage though; he never got the white in the pocket.

TV
Fox is premiering a new TV show in which wealthy people go undercover in impoverished neighborhoods. Apparently, the show is based on the recent elections.

Driving
According to a survey by Auto Vantage, 49% of people say they're enraged by drivers who eat or drink while they drive, the other 51% could not be understood because they were chewing fries and gulping sodas.

Poll
Arnold Schwarzenegger came in first in a poll of U.S. governors that strippers would like to date. Spitzer came first as the one they would like as a customer.

In a recent survey, thirty-nine percent of Americans say they'd be uncomfortable with a president first taking office at age 72; sixteen percent, uncomfortable with a woman taking office; and twelve percent, with an African American taking office. Good luck if you are an old, African American woman.

Latinos
Political Analysts believe that Latinos will play a key role in the November election. Well, as janitors, they have the keys to open all the polls.

Cameras
A new study concludes closed circuit cameras do nothing to deter crime in the U.K. But British people are going to leave them where they are because the cameras provide them with tons of videos for the TV bloopers shows.

Surgery
According to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, there were 106,179 breast reduction surgeries in the U.S. last year. No wonder unemployment numbers continue growing.

May 13th 2008

Hillary
While campaigning in West Virginia, Hillary told some people that sometimes a woman is like a tea bag. Unfortunately, in these elections, most people seem to prefer black coffee.

While campaigning in West Virginia, Hillary told some people that sometimes a woman is like a tea bag. In her case more like a white version of Mr. T.

While speaking to voters in West Virginia, Hillary Clinton had a slip and referred to the next president as "he." “Don’t worry about it,” said McCain, “it is just a normal senior moment.”

According to Hillary campaign staffers, the senator is $20 million dollars in debt. The financial crisis was confirmed when they saw Hillary purchasing pantsuits at Wal-Mart.

Bill Clinton told West Virginians that if 600,000 people show up to the polls and say they want Hillary as the next president, they’ll see that the earth will move. After those comments, Chinese people complained saying they are not Hillary supporters.

While campaigning in West Virginia, Hillary told some people that sometimes a woman is like a tea bag. Unless they wear maxipads.

CBS is working on a comedy called "Worst Week of My Life." Some people believe it’s gonna be about Hillary’s campaign.

Toilet
A New York man who was forced to sit in the bathroom for an entire cross-country flight is suing jetBlue because he said he felt humiliated. “How do you think we felt?” said all the others passengers that peed their pants because the bathroom was taken throughout the entire flight.

A New York man who was forced to sit in the bathroom for an entire cross-country flight is suing jetBlue because he said he felt humiliated. He might reconsider the lawsuit when he finds out they showed a Paris Hilton in-flight movie.

Blind Dog
A once-blind dog can now see thanks to the new plastic cornea it received in a novel surgery. The dog was grossed out when it realized the butt it had been sniffing all these years wasn’t other dogs’.

A once-blind dog can now see thanks to the new plastic cornea it’s received in a novel surgery. It was right in time, because the dog was getting tired of its eye-seeing man.

Kung Fu Master
A video of Malaysian Kung Fu Master Ho Eng Hui who practices the art of smashing coconuts with his index finger, is making the rounds on the web. What people don’t know is that during the day he is a proctologist.

Date
There's a new free service called PhoneMyPhone.com that lets you schedule a phone call to get yourself out of a bad date or a boring meeting. Expect Obama to get a phone call when the cable channels start giving the West Virginia elections results.

Internet
According to a new survey for the TV series "Generation Sex," 75% of people have used the internet to find sex. The other 25% were done before typing the first word.

May 12th 2008

Wedding
The majority of Americans believe the country is in a recession, the economy is so bad that apparently Jenna Bush got married just for the health insurance benefits.

Jenna Bush married Henry Hager Saturday. The groom was set to receive a master's degree in business administration later this month, but professors gave it to him on Sunday because he proved he’s a business genius by marrying Bush’s daughter.

Some people claim to have seen Hillary Clinton at Jenna Bush’s wedding; it turned out they had seen the ice sculpture.

A Kansas anti-gay group protested near Bush’s ranch on the day of Jenna Bush’s wedding. Apparently, they were against the hiring of so many gay wedding planners.

During the Jenna Bush’s wedding ceremony, the bride threw the bouquet of flowers and all women tried to catch it, except for Condoleezza Rice who was having an avid conversation with Dick Cheney’s daughter.

Mother’s day
Analysts said that the troubled economy dampened Mother’s Day Celebration, especially if you are one of the members of the Texas compound and need to buy presents for every wife.

On Wednesday some congressmen voted against a resolution to celebrate the role of mothers in the Unites States. Apparently, they started to believe all those people that call them SOB’s.

Obama
Sen. Barack Obama continues grabbing the support of superdelegates. Yesterday, he received the support of another superdelegate: Iron Man.

18th Child
Michelle Duggar told the media that she’s pregnant with her 18th child. The couple said they were not worried about the money because the new baby will share the diapers with their oldest son.

Michelle Duggar told the media that she’s pregnant with her 18th child. Her doctor has received complaints from his wife because at this point he is more familiar with Duggar’s privates that with his own wife’s.

Michelle Duggar told the media that she’s pregnant with her 18th child. Jim Bob, her husband was immediately named an honorary member of the NBA.

Michelle Duggar told the media that she’s pregnant with her 18th child and she’s due in January or December, or February… Well, after the 17th baby, she probably wouldn’t even notice it when the baby is out.

Women
A study says more women are becoming alcoholic, especially if they continue loosing elections.

May 9th 2008

Hi there, this is not like every other Friday, this is a special weekend. Jenna is getting married. So here some silly jokes about it. please feel free to send any kind of comment to:
pedrobartes@hotmail.com

Wedding
Last week the federal government started sending the stimulus package checks which Bush insists will reactivate the economy. It is not a coincidence they sent the checks last week, just in time to buy presents for Jenna’s wedding.

Jenna Bush is getting married this weekend in a simple ceremony in Crawford Texas. The president is expected to walk his daughter to the altar and give her to the broom while the secret service unveils the banner that read "Mission accomplished."

Laura Bush said during an interview that her daughter did not want a presumptuous wedding because she doesn’t like to show off. People in Texas think otherwise, especially because they saw Laura Bush buying two bags of rice to throw during the ceremony.

Three people were arrested in Texas this week for digging up a corpse and using the skull as a bong. If they cannot make bail soon, Jenna’s wedding will only have one groomsman.

Jenna Bush said during an interview that she always wanted to marry a republican, because of the moral values, the political compatibility and because they are guaranteed to be together forever because as a Republican he probably doesn’t have an exit strategy.

The Bush's family released statements today. They got tons of presents for Jenna's wedding, so they want to make clear this is not a shotgun wedding, apparently some people were sending two presents for Jenna, one for the wedding and another for mother's day.

Hillary
A superdelegate said Thursday that he’ll sell his vote for $20 million. Hillary felt insulted because she would stop running for only $15 million.

Amy Winehouse
Amy Winehouse left jail yesterday. Ironically, she did it at the “crack” of dawn.

Ryan Seacrest
According to some magazines, Ryan Seacrest is said to be unhappy because of the declining ratings of American Idol. He was seen smiling again though, when he heard of the Subway offer of $5 for a foot long.

May 8th 2008

Hillary
Clinton Campaign strategists said they are going to work very hard to make sure the Michigan and Florida delegations are seated in the Democratic convention. Probably because after running such a horrible campaign they might end up working as ushers.

Hillary Clinton said yesterday that she will continue running until there’s a nominee. Apparently, she was about to concede until she saw the same Vet truck that was at the Kentucky Derby driving around the podium.

Cheney
Lynne Cheney offered Meredith Vieira of The Today’s Show a tour of the Vice President’s residence. The tour was going to be very short, but ended up lasting several hours because Lynne insisted on showing Cheney’s torture chamber.

Lynne Cheney offered Meredith Vieira of The Today’s Show a tour of the Vice President’s residence. Things got a little bit ugly when Meredith grabbed the family portrait and said the boy in the picture looked cute… She was talking about Cheney’s daughter.

Lynne Cheney offered Meredith Vieira of The Today’s Show a tour of the Vice President’s residence. Meredith pointed out that the kitchen is located in the basement, apparently because Dick Cheney doesn’t want people snooping around while he cooks his famous roasted puppies.

Health
Researchers at Harvard Medical School have found that having extra fat in your rear is actually good for your health. Apparently, Kim Kardasian is set to live longer than McCain then.

Researchers at Harvard Medical School have found that having extra fat in your rear is actually good for your health. Good news for Lou Dobbs who is a total ass.

McCain
It was reported Thursday that the McCain campaign strategists want to confront speculations about McCain’s age and health and will prepare a team of doctors to answer questions about his health. Actually, they called them "Doctors" but they are really "Archeologists."

During the campaign trail John McCain has joked several times saying that he has more scars than Frankenstein. Unfortunately for him, some people also say he’s got more scars, but less brain that Frankenstein.

Language
The Soccer Premier League in England will barr soccer players who cannot speak English. In the US, the MLB, is thinking of copying the system and will ban players who don’t speak the official language: Spanish.

The Soccer Premier League in England will barr soccer players who cannot speak English. When Lou Dobbs heard the news, he immediately applied for a coaching position in Manchester United.

Earthquake
A small earthquake shook the Washington DC area Tuesday. Everybody got scared in Congress except for Ted Kennedy, who thought the shaking was due to the Martinis he’d had.

Handshake
According to a recent study the handshake during a job interview is key to landing a job, especially if while you do the handshake you rub your index finger against your employer’s palm.

May 7th 2008

Bugs
The US army is going to use robotic insects that will carry out explosions and will identify nuclear or biological weapons. Apparently, the army did most of the recruiting at Taco Bell kitchens.

Drugs
On Tuesday, an undercover drug probe focused on San Diego State University and some of its fraternities led to the arrest of 96 people, including 75 students. On Tuesday night, enrollment at San Diego State University had already tripled.

Elections
Hillary’s double dream was dashed last night when she lost North Carolina and barely won Indiana. Bill’s double dream was still on especially when he was seen leaving the campaign office with two strippers named Lovely and Cherry.

Health
Researchers at Harvard Medical School have found that having extra fat around the hips and rear is good for you. Finally some good news for Hillary Clinton!

Laser-Eye procedures
The number of laser-eye procedures in the U.S. is dropping. Apparently, short-sighted people find it useless, especially when they hear all the tail that the blind governor of New York gets.

Tainted Meat
A New York food company is recalling 286,000 pounds of tainted meat. Apparently, some people complained to the FDA when they saw company employees buying “Eight Belles.”

American Idol
American Idol was on last night and due to the clear bad performance there’s already a sure eliminated candidate: Hillary Clinton.

Obama
Barack Obama told some people in North Carolina Monday that if he becomes the president, he will build a basketball court inside the White House. I always thought there was already one because Bill Clinton always bragged about all the times he scored at the White house.

Barack Obama told some people in North Carolina Monday that if he becomes the president, he will build a basketball court inside the White House. McCain, a bingo.

One of the Obama’s campaign offices in Indiana was vandalized Tuesday as one large window was smashed and several other windows were spray painted. Police suspect senator McCain could be behind the attack because the graffities were done in hieroglyphic writing.

Lohan
Dina Lohan received an award as one of Long Island's "Top Moms." Unfortunately, her daughter couldn’t be there because she was passed out drunk in another bar.

Ice Cream
Irvine Robbins, co-founder of Baskin-Robbins, has died at age 90. Expect the new flavor Vanilla raspberry with sprinkled ashes.

Irvine Robbins, co-founder of Baskin-Robbins, has died at age 90. He asked to be frozen.

May 6th 2008

Economy
Market research has shown that when the economy is suffering, lipstick sales actually increase. Apparently, even men start buying it to secure their jobs.

According to a new survey by the Pew Social and Demographic Trends Project, more Americans would rather have more free time than money. If the economy continues slowing, their wish will be granted pretty soon.

Hillary
Hillary Clinton dismissed the comparisons that several people made between her and Eight Belles, the horse that finished second at the Kentucky Derby. Apparently, Hillary claims her ankles are much stronger than the horse’s.

McCain
John McCain unveiled yesterday a website only in Spanish to try to capture the Latino vote. The presidential candidate was proud to say he wrote everything in the site because he was fortunate enough to have taken Spanish lessons with Christopher Columbus.

Obama
Inside Edition did a report about Obama’s childhood and said that as a kid Obama was an avid kite flyer. Fox News took the tape and said that that’s clear evidence Obama was training to attack American buildings.

March
Marihuana supporters organized a march this weekend. Unfortunately, the march took longer than expected as they stopped at every little store to buy junk food for the munchies.

Smart
According to a new study, children who were exclusively breast fed for at least the first three months of life are smarter than those who didn’t. Actually, the smartest are the ones than can still breast feed at the age of 25.

Watch
A luxury watch manufacturer called Urwerk has developed the world's first wind-powered watch. The only difficulty with the watch is to see the time because you have to wear it near your rear end.

Eagle
A team of volunteers is working to attach an artificial beak to an Eagle so she can hunt her own food. Male eagles were mad; not only she will put on some pounds but also she’ll talk a lot more.

May 5th 2008

Yahoo
Microsoft dropped its blockbuster bid to acquire Yahoo late Saturday, after Yahoo's board insisted on a higher price. Apparently, Yahoo CEO Jerry Yang told Steve Ballmer “We’re not Ya Ho."

Youtube
A number of blogs reported early Saturday morning that the YouTube server went down for a short time. It gave politicians and celebrities the chance to screw anybody they wanted and do as much drugs as they wanted without the fear of having the video uploaded immediately.

Kentucky Derby
Filly Eight Belles was second at the Kentucky Derby on Saturday but broke down as the 20-horse field galloped out past the finish line and had to be euthanized later on the track. No wonder Hillary doesn’t want to quit the race, she knows exactly what would happen to her if she doesn’t win.

Tom Cruise
Tom Cruise returned to the Oprah Winfrey show this time with a more serious, thoughtful appearance than 3 years ago when he jumped in the couch professing his love for his wife. It shows what a couple of years of marriage can do to you.

Economy
President Bush, buoyed by a batch of economic news that wasn't as bad as expected, predicted Friday that consumers are on their way to better days. Experts agreed we are on our way to better days, especially because we are just months away from the end of his presidency.

The bruised economy limped through the first quarter, growing at just a 0.6 percent pace. There are clear signs of a recession, especially when Miley Cyrus doesn’t have money for clothes for a photo shoot.

Spam
Friday marked the 30th anniversary of the spam email. The Spam is getting old; pretty soon it will need its own Viagra e-mails for itself.

Barbara Walters
Barbara Walters confessed she had sex with a black man, and until she explained it was a former senator, everybody thought she was talking about Woopy Goldberg.

Allergies
A form of immunotherapy that could get rid of a person's allergy to nuts is likely within five years, a U.S. expert said on Thursday. The study has been funded by Ryan Seacrest, Larry Craig and Elton John.

Drugs
Elderly people who take commonly prescribed drugs for incontinence walk more slowly. The others have to rush to the bathroom every 2 minutes.

Elderly people who take commonly prescribed drugs walk more slowly than others not taking the drugs, U.S. researchers said on Saturday. After reading the article, Paula Abdul decided to buy a scooter.

Food
A report reveals that in the U.S. 76 million people get sick each year from food borne illness. And that’s only among cruise ships passengers.

Tomatoes
A study says that a diet of five tomatoes a day will protect from sunburn, unless you are the farmer that has to pick them up...

A study says that a diet of five tomatoes a day will protect from sunburn. I guess I have to double my daily doses of Bloody Marys.

May 2nd 2008

Friday Leftovers........ for comments e-mail me at pedrobartes@hotmail.com
Have a nice weekend.....
Bush
A new poll suggests that George W. Bush is the most unpopular president in modern American history, to what Bush said: “Number 1 baby, number 1!!!”

Drunk
Rep. Vito J. Fossella (R-N.Y.) was arrested overnight in Alexandria and charged with driving while intoxicated, court records showed Thursday. Apparently, lately, politicians and celebrities are the only ones that can afford both gas and booze to drink and drive at the same time.

Swimming
Nearly 60 percent of African-American children can't swim, the other 40 percent lives in New Orleans.

Nearly 60 percent of African-American children can't swim. I think Obama was playing the odds when he invited Rev. Wright to the beach this weekend.

Check
A 21-year-old North Texas man was arrested last week for trying to cash a $360 billion check. His excuse: I just need to fill the tank of my SUV.

Flights
In order to save fuel, airlines are slowing down flights. Apparently, they are going to hire as pilots the same people that are managing our economy.

In order to save fuel, airlines are slowing down flights. The hard thing will be to try to make the peanut last the entire flight.

Delegates
Some superdelegates switched teams this week. No wonder they are called SUPER! Delegates...

May 1st 2008

Banner
This week is the fifth year anniversary of the infamous "Mission Accomplished" banner. Oil companies are planning to celebrate with a huge party and have asked Bush to lend them the banner for the night.

The White House said Wednesday that President Bush has paid a big price for the "Mission Accomplished" banner that was flown in triumph five years ago. Apparently Bush is convinced they could have gotten a better deal on craigslist.

Fertilizer
Due to a worldwide fertilizer shortage, a utility company in Southwest Florida is on the forefront of developing a new environmentally friendly fertilizer: human waste. Apparently they are thinking of using all the members of Congress.

Obama
Barack Obama said Wednesday that Reverend Jeremiah Wright’s comment were divisive. “I happen to disagree,” said McCain while toasting with Hillary.

Democrat Barack Obama and his wife said Thursday that the public grew tired of hearing about incendiary remarks by their former pastor Wright played in the last couple of days. Apparently, people, unlike Obama, needed less than 20 years to get tired of Wright.

David Blaine
David Blaine broke the world breath-holding record yesterday, during a live broadcast of "The Oprah Winfrey Show" after submerging in a water-filled sphere for 17 minutes and four seconds. He eclipsed the previous record held by every inmate at Gitmo.

Economy
According to economists we are not in a recession because the economy grew 0.6% in the first quarter of this year. Time to throw a party with my neighbors and share the only tuna can we all have left!

Volvo is trying to invent a death-proof vehicle by the year 2020. Apparently, it is an oil-free car so you don’t die from a heart attack when you fill the tank.

An American surfer has died after being attacked by a shark on the Pacific coast of Mexico only four days after another man was killed by a great white shark off California. Apparently, the recession is not only starving humans.

Immigrants
A survey by the Inter-American Development Bank shows the percentage of Hispanic immigrants sending money to their home countries in Latin America is down dramatically in just two years. Apparently, all the family members are already here.

McCain
The Senate unanimously resolved Wednesday that Republican presumptive candidate John McCain is eligible to be US president even though he was born abroad, in the Panama Canal Zone. They took the decision considering the fact that today's economy makes America look like a Banana Republic anyway.

VH1
A "source" tells "OK!" magazine that Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora will take over for Poison’s Bret Michaels on the third season of "Rock of Love." The Magazine later published a retraction saying it is not the show “Rock of Love” but rather “Celebrity Rehab.”