April 30th 2009

Vice President Joe Biden said Thursday that he would not recommend taking any commercial flight or riding in a subway car “at this point” because swine flu virus can spread “in confined places.” Immediately after that the "Center for Disease Control" ordered a mandatory breath mask on Jor Biden so he would shut up.

Pork producers have requested that U.S. officials abandon using the term swine flu because it is hurting their industry. Apparently, they want the disease to be called “Beef flu.”

Pork producers have requested that U.S. officials abandon using the term swine flu because it is hurting their industry. And so are fat women because they haven’t seen any action since swine flu became the talk of the town.

U.S. officials said Tuesday they may abandon the term swine flu. So far they came up with two names: Kirstie Alley Flu or Susan Boyle’s revenge…

Americans are confused with the swine flu because they thought they were powerful but now they realize that when Mexico sneezes the rest of the world catches the flu....

First they came after the spinach, and nobody cared, then they came after the tomato and nobody cared, now they came after our swaine and of course fat america panicked...

President Obama blamed the previous administration for the precarious situation this country is at now. You can’t blame the president; after all he is washing his hands to avoid catching the swine flu.

During yesterday’s press conference a reporter asked Obama what he’d been “enchanted” by during his 100 days in the presidency. And you could hear Keith Olberman’s mind going: “please pick me, please pick me…”

Jennifer Aniston might become an adoptive parent. How hard is it going to be for her when the kid leaves her for another adopting mom: Angelina Jolie.

The Moonlite BunnyRanch announced they’ve offered Rod Blogajovich an "apprenticeship" at their legal house of ill repute. That’s an insult for the former governor; he’s got more experience screwing people than any of the whores they have working there.

Researchers have found that eating fatty foods can help boost a person's memory. Especially when it comes to remembering when they run out of ice-cream at home.

People still complain about the panic caused by the photo op of the Air Force One flying over lower Manhattan. I don’t think the Defense Department gets it, because they apologized and said that next time they’ll use Photoshop and for the picture they’ll build a new lower Manhattan.

33% of U.S. children fear that the apocalypse will occur in their lifetime. Some teachers took advantage of that view and told their students they cannot leave this world without knowing what sex is…

MSNBC's Keith Olbermann is offering to donate $1000 for every second Sean Hannity endures being waterboarded after the Fox News host promised in his show to do it for charity. If the money goes to the troops, we all have to be sure Hannity stays at least 30 minutes under water.

MSNBC's Keith Olbermann is offering to donate $1000 for every second Sean Hannity endures being waterboarded after the Fox News host promised in his show to do it for charity. Alan Comes immediately upped the offer and said he’ll pay a million dollars to the person in charge of waterboarding Hannity if he forgets the safe word.

According to a new report, three in five new Twitter users quit using the social networking site within a month. Mostly because they realize nobody cares about them doing laundry, buying a sandwich at McDonalds, or taking a dump while reading the paper.

A new, two-year survey by Britain's Children's Society found that only one in five kids now play outside on a regular basis. But just because they set up their Playstation in the patio. People

Magazine's "100 most beautiful people" issue comes out this week . I keep looking and looking and no sign of Susan Boyle.

April 29th 2009

Mexico City streets were almost deserted yesterday, with no schools, no movie theaters and no cafes. It was bound to happen… all Mexicans have already moved to California.

Doctors say that the swine flu can be treated with Tamiflu and Relenza. Awesome! Now, I have to find a way to cross to Mexico and buy them cheaper there.

Some high school kids from New York traveled to Mexico and contracted swine flu. If you went to Mexico for Spring Break and only got swine flu, consider yourself lucky.

Most countries in the World are advising their citizens to postpone nonessential travel to Mexico. It is already too late; the swine already flu…

If you see Joe Biden with a face mask today, don’t think he is doing it to prevent catching the swine flu, it was Obama who just wanted him to shut up for a while.

People are taking all sort of precautions about the swine flu. I got to be honest; when I get drunk and I leave the bar with a companion, I always make sure that in the morning the pig flu…

Actress Kirstie Alley will be making an appearance on Oprah this Thursday to talk about all the weight she's gained back. Just in case Alley decides to imitate Tom Cruise, Oprah’s producers are going to remove all the couches from the set.

Congress approved a compromise $3.4 trillion 2010 budget blueprint on Wednesday. Democrats were smart to try to pass the budget now with the pandemic scare. They know that Republicans are not going to dare touch the budget, especially with all the pork it has.

Republicans said that what Specter did was a suicide. Finally somebody got it right, said Spector… Phil Spector.

Simon Cowell says a couple once offered him $150,000 to critique their sex. If it was me, I would pay money to Paula Abdul to critique my sex, because for her everybody is awesome…

A Serbian worker who was protesting unpaid wages cut off his own finger and ate it. The worst part, he was a proctologist…

A new report says that TV can reduce feelings of loneliness and rejection. Ironically you can feel lonely and rejected if you work for some of the shows on NBC because nobody is watching you…

Korean scientists say they've cloned dogs that glow in the dark. Imagine my surprise next time the lights go off at my favorite Korean restaurant.

A low-flying government jet just off lower Manhattan frightened New Yorkers working in the financial district yesterday. Fortunately there was no need to evacuate the buildings as most of them are already empty because everybody got fired.

The Denver Nuggets beat the New Orleans Hornets by 58 points on Monday. It was such a disaster for New Orleans that to avoid catching any criticism Obama sent FEMA.

A Mexican variety show that was unable to assemble a studio audience due to swine flu fears, used cardboard cutouts instead. I guess the Clippers found a way to make their stadium look a little bit busy on TV next season.

The Moonlite BunnyRanch announced they’ve offered Rod Blogajovich an "apprenticeship" at their legal house of ill repute. That’s an insult for the former governor; he’s got more experience screwing people than any of the whores they have working there.

The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released a list of the symptoms of swine flu. They include: fever, cough, growing a moustache and an incontrollable urge to use a leaf blower or mow your lawn.

April 28th 2009

The Defense Department caused panic among New Yorkers yesterday when they sent a jumbo jet chased by an F-16 fighter in lower Manhattan as a part of photo session. Hopefully, after this bad attempt, the government will botch the other photo session ideas: drilling a hole in the levies of New Orleans or unscrewing some bolts of a bridge in Minnesota.

The Defense Department caused panic among New Yorkers yesterday when they sent a jumbo jet chased by an F-16 fighter in lower Manhattan as a part of photo session. And then Democrats don’t want to be accused of being big spenders, haven’t they heard of Photoshop?

The summer wedding for the accused "Craigslist Killer" has been cancelled. Don’t worry; he’ll become somebody’s wife in jail.

Simon Cowell says a couple once offered him $150,000 to critique their sex. Unfortunately for Simon, the couple was Ryan Seacrest and Klay Aken.

Fox became the first broadcast network to turn down a request by President Barack Obama for time, opting to show its drama "Lie to Me." Apparently “Lie to Me” is exactly what the Fox audience wants.

According to the Center for Media and Public Affairs, only 1 in 8 comments about president Obama were favorable in Fox News since he became our president. Why do you think they fired Colmes…?

According to the Center for Media and Public Affairs, only 1 in 8 comments about president Obama were favorable in Fox News since he became our president. And the one that was positive said: “I like Obama….. to fail.”

The Mexico City premiere of the new "Wolverine" movie has been postponed due to swine flu. Not to worry; most Mexicans already saw the pirated version of the movie.

A disc that can store almost 100 DVD’s has been unveiled by General Electric… still not enough space to fit all the movies Seth Rogen shot last year.

The Detroit Lions signed Georgia's Matthew Stafford to a seventy-eight million dollar deal for six years. It is not that he is such a great player, but that is the only amount of money that can convince somebody to play for the Lions and live in Detroit.

April 27th 2009

Sean Hannity told Charles Grodin during his show that he would get waterboarded for charity. Rupert Murdock is concerned; he’s afraid Hannity might end up confessing that Fox news is not that Fair and Balance.

Kevin Federline has put on a lot weight. Apparently, he stopped sampling music and started sampling all sorts of foods.

Authorities recommend avoiding interacting with pigs as one of the ways to prevent the swine flu… Just another Democratic conspiracy to make people afraid of Rush Limbaugh.

Hillary Clinton paid a surprise visit to Iraq this weekend. Bill also visited a “rack”, a Hootter’s girls’ rack…

Madonna was voted the Hardest Working Mother in show business. I don’t think Madonna should trust this poll because Britney finished second and Octomom third.

Madonna was voted the Hardest Working Mother in show business. She can’t wait to share the award with her kids next month from 7PM to 7:10 PM when she gets to see them

According to a new survey, only 52 percent of Americans think a television is a necessity… that is just the part of the population that participates in reality shows in VH1.

According to a new survey, only 52 percent of Americans think a television is a necessity. Because you need to put your DVR on top of something, right?

The White House said Saturday that President Barack Obama's health is fine a little more than a week after he traveled to Mexico, where there’s an outbreak of swine flu. Officials confirmed that for security reasons the president won’t shake leaders’ hands anymore… only bow to them.

The trainer of a soccer team in Bolivia says he prescribed Viagra to at least nine players in order to help them play better in high altitudes. I don’t know if they are going to be able to score during the game, but after the game… no doubt!

The White House announced that Obama would be holding his third televised address next Wednesday night. Joe Biden is mad; he wanted to do this TV address… after all he’s got all the plugs.

Asians are concerned about a new policy at the University of California that could reduce the number of Asians at the schools. American students are very concerned as well, because who are they going to copy from during exams?

The U.S. Capitol was locked down Friday after a small plane flew into restricted air space. On a brighter side, with congressmen gone for a couple of hours , the country got to save a lot of money.

A new poll gives the GOP a favorable rating of just 23%. It makes sense; the number of rich people has shrunk considerably.

The high school dropout rate is declining in some big cities. Finally the teachers having sex with their students idea seems to be working.

April 24th 2009

Friday Leftovers! Please e-mail me if you wanna say, comment on something or just to ask me if I'm alive... pedrobartes@hotmail.com
Have a great weekend...

Yesterday was “Take Your Child to Work Day.” The unemployment offices looked like an elementary school.

Yesterday was “Take Your Child to Work Day.” Kevin Federlaine took his kids to the living room.

Last night's "Tonight Show" was a repeat after Jay Leno checked himself into a hospital for food poisoning. Coincidentally, Conan was seen with a suspicious container casually whistling and walking out of Jay’s room.

Kevin Federline, has put on a lot weight. Apparently, he stopped sampling music and started sampling all sort of foods.

Sean Hannity told Charles Grodin during his show that he would get waterboarded for charity. So many offers came in, we might be able to pay our international debt.

Sean Hannity told Charles Grodin during his show that he would get waterboarded for charity. Fair is fair; he’s been torturing us for years; it is our turn now…

Ammo shortages are cropping up nationwide, but just because Sarah Palin and Dick Cheney coincided on their hunting schedule.

Representatives of Twitter are in Iraq to introduce them to the technology. Iraqis immediately embraced the technology. I started following Mohamed’s twitter but his last one read: “I’m getting into a car…” and then he stopped twittering… weird huh?

Just last year, Transportation Security Administration officials, confiscated 902 guns at airport security checkpoints. There was a high rate of school kids traveling for summer time vacation.

According to a survey, more than 90 percent of Americans consider the economy an important issue. The other 10 percent that don’t care about the economy are politicians and that’s why they don’t do anything about it.

There's talk circulating that Britney Spears is pregnant again. Apparently, some people noticed she was wearing underwear, which is a sign that she’s afraid the kid would pop up unexpectedly.

The Obama administration has released two photographs of Tiger Woods' Monday visit to the White House. Still, between the two of them, they don’t make an entire black guy.

April 23rd 2009

After the controversy generated during the Miss America Pageant, Miss California, has been interviewed numerous times by Fox News. In case you get confused, she is the blond, with big boobs and no brains, and the Fox reporter is the blonde, with big boobs and no brains.

After the controversy generated during the Miss America Pageant, Miss California, has been interviewed numerous times by Fox News. In case you get confused, she is the blond, with big boobs and no brains and Sean Hannity is just the big boob.

A resolution has been introduced in the Alabama House that praises Miss California, Carrie Prejean, for speaking out against gay marriage during Sunday night’s televised pageant. She shouldn’t be that proud; in 2007, they also passed a resolution to praise Miss South Carolina.

Britain’s Got Talent has found another internet sensation. First it was Susan Boyle and now is a 12-year-old kid who sings amazingly. Today, Michael Jackson called the producers to ask if the kid had already been kissed, because he is willing to help.

It was revealed by the British media that Susan Boyle had been kissed in the past. Apparently, many people mistook her for a frog in their quest to find a princess.

Susan Boyle’s video has surpassed the number of views that Obama’s Inauguration video had. Obama is planning a comeback to regain the lead, today he asked Janet Reno if she could sing.

ABC is reviving "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" this summer, complete with host Regis Philbin. Things have changed; the economy is so now bad that now when you call friend, producers want you to call collect.

U.S. researchers said on Wednesday that chewing gum may boost academic performance in teenagers. Apparently, when students see the disgusting mess janitors have to clean under the chairs and tables, they feel like improving themselves.

U.S. researchers said on Wednesday that chewing gum may boost academic performance in teenagers. Apparently, students write cheat sheets in the bubble gum’s wrapping paper.

Larry King wished happy Earth Day to everybody on twitter. It was really meaningful for him, especially because he was there when the Earth was created.

Celebrities and Politicians decided to conserve energy Wednesday to honor Earth Day. For example, Biden unplugged his hair plugs, Britney unplugged her mic during a concert, and Paris Hilton used a solar-powered sex toy.

President Obama planted a tree to honor Earth Day. It was probably an oak tree, so he can get as many ACORNs as he wants…

A group of eighth graders in Alaska taunted a moose so viciously that it threw itself into a wall until it died. “That’s my daughter!” said Sarah Palin.

A man in Medford, Oregon, is suing for $2.7 million because he got hit in the head with a discus while photographing a track meet. Ironically, he’s been forced to wear a helmet now, but it is already too late.

April 22nd 2009

Miss North Carolina USA Kristen Dalton was crowned Miss USA 2009 on Sunday. What gave her the edge was that during the Q&A session she wished for peace between gays and straight people.

Miss California said in several interviews she didn’t win Miss America because of her anti-gay-marriage answer during the Q&A session of the event. She should have known better; gays were the only ones paying attention to what she was saying; straight guys were checking her boobs.

A new pro al-Qaeda magazine for extremists is offering fitness tips to jihadists. They need to be trained, not so much for the actual attack, but you definitely have to be fit to be able to please 72 virgins.

A new pro al-Qaeda magazine for extremists is offering fitness tips to jihadists. They are fit; jihadists always end up with their entire body ripped... apart.

A new pro al-Qaeda magazine for extremists is offering fitness tips to jihadists. Nothing better for a jihadists than a six pack… of dinamite…

This month's Washingtonian magazine, features a four-month old paparazzi photograph of our president in a bathing suit and shirtless. You can’t help to notice that our president is leaning left.

President Barack Obama, Vice President Joe Biden, and former President Bill Clinton planted trees at a national park site along the Anacostia River in northeast Washington. You could immediately spot which tree was Bill’s; the one with all the seeds around the hole.

President Barack Obama, Vice President Joe Biden, and former President Bill Clinton planted trees at a national park site along the Anacostia River in northeast Washington. It was really easy for Biden; he’s got a lot of experience planting what he has on his head.

Wal-Mart announced Tuesday that many non-English speakers will soon be able to read prescription drug instructions in their primary language, which will make it easier for Rush Limbaugh to send his maid to get his Oxycotin.

Former U.S. Presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will appear together in Toronto next month. And knowing how good the adult entertainment is in Toronto, you can be sure that that is not gonna be the only time Bill Clinton sees Bush in Canada.

A federal court judge has denied disgraced former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich's request that he be allowed to travel to Costa Rica to participate in TV show. Producers of the show didn’t mind; it is not like there’s a scarce of corrupt politicians in the country.

A federal court judge has denied disgraced former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich's request that he be allowed to travel to Costa Rica to participate in TV show. It’s not like he is going to have any trouble selling his plane seat ticket.

A federal court judge has denied disgraced former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich's request that he be allowed to travel to Costa Rica to participate in TV show. Producers of the show didn’t mind as long as his hair can travel.

According to AP, U.S. manufacturers, including major drugmakers, have released tons of pharmaceuticals into waterways and the drugs end up in our tap water. And today Paula Abdul, and Rush Limbaugh begged to be waterboarded.

According to a recent survey, one in 25 Americans is a member of the mile-high club. The other 24 Americans are so fat they didn't fit in an airplane bathroom...

April 21st 2009

The market dropped almost 300 points yesterday. It was so ugly; Wall Street called it “Susan Boyle Day.”

New reports show that C.I.A. interrogators used waterboarding on two key prisoners from Al Qaeda 266 times. You would think that after the 50th, maybe 60th time, the prisoners kind of figured out that they were not going to drown him, right?

According to a new study, fat people contribute more to global warming than thin people. Now THAT’s an “Inconvenient Truth” for Al Gore.

During an interview with the New York Post, Rudy Giuliani said that he is against gay marriage. Apparently, marriage should be only between a man and a woman, and another woman and another woman…

During an interview with the New York Post, Rudy Giuliani said that he is against gay marriage. Gays immediately complained, because they all deserve an opportunity to be as miserable as he was in his own marriages.

The Somali pirate suspect is in route to New York. You can find him in the next couple of days in Canal Street selling pirated videos.

The U.N. held its racism conference in Geneva yesterday. The fact that they sat black people at the back didn’t help much…

There's a 26-year-old man in India who has a rare condition that makes him look like a toddler. What a chance for Madonna to kill two birds with one stone! He’s a perfect boyfriend and a great kid to adopt…

Manufacturers have dumped 271 million pounds of chemicals into U.S. rivers and streams. And today Rush Limbaugh started taking scuba diving lessons.

Bank of America posted a $281 billion first-quarter profit. Apparently, some CEO’s cancelled a couple of weekend parties.

According to a survey, one in five Americans have had same-sex relations. So, come on, who among the other four did it with the gay guy?

Jackie Chan said Chinese people should be controlled. I agree, especially those who make bad movies…

A woman and her husband were fined $300 in England because neighbors complained she was making too much noise while having sex. And for the husband it was even worse, because he even wasn’t in the room when she was screaming.

The economy is bad… college kids didn’t have spring break; they had Spring Broke.

April 20th 2009

Madonna is back with her young boyfriend. Apparently, his grades at school improved and his parents allowed him to date again.

Pop star Madonna fell from a horse Saturday. Don't worry; the horse is doing fine....

A picture of Ryan Seacrest and his new girlfriend has been featured in a couple of magazines. For the records, the girlfriend is the one with less make up.

According to AP, U.S. manufacturers, including major drugmakers, have released tons of pharmaceuticals into waterways and the drugs end up in our tap water. So, we finally know that what Paula Abdul drinks during American Idol is water.

According to AP, U.S. manufacturers, including major drugmakers, have released tons of pharmaceuticals into waterways. And today Rush Limbaugh started taking scuba diving lessons.

According to AP, U.S. manufacturers, including major drugmakers, have released tons of pharmaceuticals into waterways and the drugs end up in our tap water. Apparently, from now onwards, we will need a doctors’ prescription to drink water from our faucet.

According to a new study, erectile dysfunction pills don’t cause blindness. On the contrary; they help improve the vision of your wife who will finally start noticing you.

A study found that erectile dysfunction pills don't harm men's vision. Unless, after you take the pills, your penis gets so big that it pokes one of your eyes…

Rod Blagojevich will make $60,000 an episode on an NBC reality show. His hair will get paid way more than that.

Hollywood reporters are wondering if American Idol producers will let a gay contestant, Adam Lambert, win the competition. Why not? They let a gay person host it.

Republicans are criticizing Obama for shaking hands with a president that rigged an election, destroyed the economy of a country and abused his power. Obama apologized and said he was sorry, but that Bush had extended his hand and he had to shake it.

The book that Venezuelan president Hugo Chaves gave president Obama is now number 5 in Amazon. Apparently, Chavez begged Obama if he could ask Oprah to include it in her book club.

The US Government is looking to hire computer hackers to help them beat a deadly cyber-attack. Apparently, they are afraid pirates might retaliate and attack Obama’s teleprompter.

President Barack Obama said Sunday that he "strengthens our hand" by reaching out to enemies. Apparently, he is planning to call Rush Limbaugh next week.

President Obama paid almost $900,000 in federal income tax. And now he wants to know when the next Tea Party rally is, because he wants to join it to complain about taxes.

President Obama released President Bush's torture instruction memos to the CIA. They include putting prisoners in a box with bugs, slapping and handcuffing them. Some people are happy Obama took the initiative to share those methods, especially producers of “Fear Factor”, who were running out of ideas for a future season.

According to Bolivian officials, cocaine production is on the rise in Bolivia. Apparently, Amy Winehouse has just had a busy weekend.

A poll says that 75 percent of Texans would vote to stay in the United States. They went through so much sacrifice to cross the border, so why would they leave?

John Madden retired from broadcasting NFL games on Thursday. Everybody in NBC was sad, not as sad as Frank Caliendo who will have to find a regular job now.

Susan Boyle, the Scottish sensation from Britain's Got Talent, got offered $1,000,000 to be in a porno movie. I didn’t know bestiality pays that much in porno...

April17th 2009

Friday Leftovers! Tons of jokes for a Friday....shoot me an e-mail with ideas, suggestions or just to say hi... pedrobartes@hotmail.com
have a nice weekend...
Pedro

President Obama sat with Mexican president Felipe Calderon yesterday. Obama brought an i-Pod again, not to give it to the Mexican president, just to ask him if he could load it with illegal music.

President Obama is in Mexico these days. Apparently, once and for all, he wants a good fake birth certificate that he can show to the Republicans.

The White House asked Georgetown University to cover up a symbol of Jesus Christ before President Obama spoke there this week. So the University covered all the mirrors.

Hillary Clinton is trying to raise money and pay her campaign debts by raffling off a day with her husband Bill. And today Bill bought all the tickets and was spotted giving them away for free at a Jenny Craig meeting.

Hillary Clinton is trying to raise money and pay her campaign debts by raffling off a day with her husband Bill. Rumors are Hillary rigged it so Susan Boyle can win the date with Bill.

The city of Oslo, Norway, is about to start using city buses that run on human waste. We should follow that example, with all the crap produced by congress we can afford having Hummers for every citizen living in this country.

A British mother spent $15,000 on plastic surgery to look exactly like her younger daughter. That is not as creepy as the fact that the daughter’s dad asked her to do that…

A British mother spent $15,000 on plastic surgery to look exactly like her younger daughter. The worst part, the daughter was Susan Boyle…

A man from Brooklyn bit off the tip of his own penis, police told a local newspaper. Unfortunately, he went from being the envy of all his friends to not so much…

A man from Brooklyn bit off the tip of his own penis, police told a local newspaper. How bad is the economy that we are now forced to self-circumcise?

A man has been arrested in Spain for using veterinary instruments to perform breast implants on patients in his squalid home. Women complained because when they asked for breast augmentation they would leave the room with eight boobs.

A 28-year-old man has been sentenced to three weeks in jail for urinating on a 66-year-old woman during a Continental Airlines flight last month. His defense was stupid; he claimed he thought it was IN-continental Airlines.

NBC confirmed yesterday it wants Rod Blagojevich to appear on a reality TV show called "I'm a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!" So far they have two contestants: Rod Blagojevich and Phil Spector and get me out of here means jail

Eddie Van Halen is now offering the new EVH Brand Signature Striped Sneakers. Unfortunately the sneakers come without a tongue.

April 16th 2009

Everybody in the media is fascinated with Obama’s new pooch. I don’t want to say some people are getting jealous in the Obama administration, but today Obama farted and Biden jumped to take the blame.

According to some media rumors Angelina Jolie is pregnant again. And today somebody saw Octomom walking into a sperm bank with a huge bucket.

Nadya Suleman has applied to patent the word "Octomom". Please tell me she won’t apply to patent the words: “Nonamom, decamom etc…”

Few people gathered in Washington DC for the anti-tax “Tea Party”. Unfortunately for the president, most of the people that did gather were members of his cabinet.

President Obama will be getting a $26,000 refund from the federal government. But just because he has many co-dependants: Sasha, Malia, and Joe Biden.

Jenna Jameson was spotted yesterday outside the hospital breastfeeding her new babies. I don’t want to say the babies are pros already, but they looked at the cameras and winked.

Jenna Jameson was spotted yesterday outside the hospital breastfeeding her new babies. Apparently, Jenna encouraged the paparazzis to take pictures because the babies wouldn’t start sucking until they saw the cameras.

According to a new study from Bucknell University, men have trouble picking it up when women use subtle "hints" with them. So ladies, if you want to succeed with us, resort to crotch grabbing.

A study from the University of Texas found that workers who constantly compliment the boss, do personal favors for the boss, and never challenge the boss's ideas, are 64% more likely to be promoted. And 100% more likely to get beaten up by their other co-workers.

Jim Carrey said yesterday that he’s gaining 50 pounds to play Curly in the movie three stooges. Can somebody tell Kevin Federline to stop eating? He’ll never get the part.

According to the "Hollywood Reporter," Michael Vick is working on a deal to do a TV show after he serves his prison sentence. The name is not confirmed but rumors are the show is going to be called “Slam-dogs Millionaire.”

A Web site said its latest survey found 33 percent of respondents chose entrepreneur Donald Trump as the celebrity they would most like to do taxes for. The other 77 percent chose Wesley Snipes.

The economy is so bad I spent most of my Sunday mending used condoms so I can reuse them next time I get lucky.

According to a new study, one out of every five lawyers is an alcoholic. Apparently, they don’t spend much time in the American Bar Association, but at another bar.

Eddie Van Halen is now offering the new EVH Brand Signature Striped Sneakers. Unfortunately the sneakers come without a tongue.

R&B singer Rihanna is working on a stage show in the Middle East. Because, if there’s a region that cares about abused women, that is the Middle East.

R&B singer Rihanna is working on a stage show in the Middle East. She wants to start there because the burka will help cover her bruises.

Sen. Richard Burr encouraged people withdrawing all the cash they could from their banks and carry it with them. His words got immediate support from all the muggers and thieves in the country.

April 15th 2009

NBC confirmed yesterday it wants Rod Blagojevich to appear on a reality TV show called "I'm a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!" In this case the celebrity is Blagojevich’s hair that is trying to get away from his head.

Today is National Tax day, or as the members of the Obama cabinet call it… Wednesday…

Obama’s new dog, Bo, was the center of attention yesterday. Everybody in the media talked mostly about the new pooch. I don’t want to say some people are getting jealous in the Obama administration, but today I saw Biden scratching behind his ears and chasing a cat….

President Obama was asked where the new pet would sleep in the presidential mansion and he immediately replied that not in his bed. What a difference with the Clinton administration when Bill would do anything to get a bitch in bed.

Madonna is buying a $40 million New York mansion. The mansion has 20 rooms, nine fireplaces, and a large garden with a playground especially designed for her kids and boyfriends...

Officials plan to raise tens of thousands of dollars by auctioning Bernie Madoff's New York Mets tickets. And Madoff expects to raise a bunch of cigarettes with the auction of his seat in jail….

A woman in Meschovsk, Russia beat up a robber that broke into her home, then chained him to a radiator and made him her sex slave. And today I saw Eliot Spitzer putting on a ski mask and getting a ticket to Russia.

According to a new study, women prefer it when men flirt with them by using subtle cues, like whispering in her ears “…someone might get promoted if they play the cards right…”

According to a new study, one out of every five lawyers is an alcoholic. And guess what, it’s usually the one you hired to deal with your divorce…

California's Department of Transportation announced they will spend $75 million of economic stimulus money to repave three miles of rough pavement on Interstate 710 in Los Angeles. The reason it is so expensive is because they are not hiring illegals…

“Sex and the City 2” has been given a release date… plenty of time for guys to find a way to fake an injury…

Former President George W. Bush hosted a reunion dinner Monday night in Dallas with some of his top members of the Bush administration. Of course, like always, Michael Brown, former head of FEMA arrived late.

Former President George W. Bush hosted a reunion dinner Monday night in Dallas with some of his top members of the Bush administration. It got a little chilly in the room, so they used the constitution to start the fireplace.

Former President George W. Bush hosted a reunion dinner Monday night in Dallas with some of the top members of the Bush administration. Can’t the pirates take a break, please…?

April 14th 2009

Legendary music producer Phil Spector was found guilty yesterday of second-degree murder. Reports say Spector was "unmoved" by the jury's verdict, but his hair went crazy!

Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus are holding auditions for clowns. Minorities are encouraged to apply, so it is not exclusively for Democratic congressmen; Republicans can apply as well.

Mel Gibson and his wife are getting divorced. Good luck with finding a good lawyer, Mel . . .

Pirates threatened America to retaliate after the rescue of the American captain. Don’t panic; Bill promised to look after every American booty out there.

The US is weighing on what to do with the Somali pirate we have in custody. Can somebody tell Cheney that waterboarding a pirate won’t work?

A man in Norway was busted going 80 miles an hour while having sex with his girlfriend. Cops let him go; every man is sympathetic with another man if the guy is doing it fast.

President Obama flies to Mexico next week for a presidential summit. Hillary already gave him certain tasks: discuss immigration, the drug war, and bring Bill back who is still there enjoying spring break.

A man in Michigan has 14 kids with 13 different women and owes more than $500,000 in child support. Today, the NBA made him an honorary member.

A man in Michigan has 14 kids with 13 different women and owes more than $500,000 in child support. When asked what advice he had for his kids, he said: "Use a condom.” Apparently, that was the problem. He used “a” condom . . . the same one with all the women he had sex with.

Researchers at the University of Warwick in the UK have found that getting promoted at work could be bad for your health. I knew sleeping in and arriving to work an hour late was going to be beneficial for my health.

April 13th 2009

President Obama got a dog for his family. Apparently, it took more than expected because it was really hard to find a dog that has paid all its taxes.

Obama’s new pooch made the front page of the most important newspapers and magazines in the world: Le Figaro in Italy, El Pais in Spain, and 101 delicious recipes in North Korea.

President Obama got his family a dog. The Obama's joke that Barack will be the official Pooper Scooper; after all, Obama has experience; he's been picking up all the crap Bush has left.

President Barack Obama finally got a dog for the White House. It won’t be easy for the dog, the pooch will have to compete for the chance to hump Obama’s leg with Keith Olberman.

The Somali pirates demanded $2 million in exchange for the captured American Captain before he was rescued. Fortunately for Obama he didn’t follow Timothy Geithner’s advice: Give the pirates the money and then tax the pirates 90% out of it.

Capt. Richard Phillips was freed unharmed Sunday in a swift firefight that killed three of the four Somali pirates. You know other pirates are going to retaliate and before the movie about the captain’s life gets released, you’ll be able to download it for free on the internet.

Capt. Richard Phillips was freed unharmed Sunday in a thrilling and emotional rescue. Everybody in America was extremely happy, except, what was the name of the other pilot, Sully who?

The White House Easter Egg hunt took place today where children tried to find hidden eggs in the White House lawn. This year it was impossible, apparently Obama hid them next to his birth certificate.

For the first time, tickets for the Easter Egg Roll at the White House were distributed to children online. Unfortunately for organizers only 50-year-old hairy guys showed up.

A Philadelphia cable network's early morning broadcast of a Good Friday service at the Vatican abruptly changed to a 30-second "Girls Gone Wild" ad. Religious viewers agreed, it wasn’t a Good Friday, it was an Awesome Friday!

A Philadelphia cable network's early morning broadcast of a Good Friday service at the Vatican abruptly changed to a 30-second "Girls Gone Wild" ad. Ironically the guy that screwed up is going to be crucified.

President Obama flew a chef from Saint Louis to cook pizza at the White House. Obama has a special taste, he likes the pizza crispy and full of government cheese.

According to a researcher at Florida State University if you want to become a pro athlete, all you have to do is practice your sport for 10,000 hours. Or you can practice for a couple of hours and shoot steroids up your butt.

Former president Bush said that he’s written 25,000 words of his upcoming book. And so far 5 words are accepted by the Western Dictionary.

Britney Spears stopped her concert in Vancouver for thirty minutes because some people in the audience were smoking weed . Judging by the way she looks now she is mad because people smoke weed but she is the one that gets the munchies.

Honda is now selling a dog-friendly version of its Element SUV that comes with a bed for the dog and other dog accessories. So now when your home gets foreclosed you can live in the car and take your dog with you.

April 10th 2009

Friday leftovers... tough week to write jokes, too much work, but they turned out ok... I guess..Please e-mail me with any ideas, suggestions, or just to say... at pedrobartes@hotmail.com
Have a great weekend.
Pedro

According to a recent survey, 41% of workers who were laid-off in the last three months have already found a new, full-time job. That's why now they are taking less time to serve at McDonalds.

According to a new survey by the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, 13% of women say they would consider having plastic surgery to give themselves a competitive edge in the workplace. Unfortunately, the survey was done among teachers.

A study found that overweight women have a hard time reaching promotions. Of course; nobody wants a fat woman on top.

A Democratic state representative from Massachusetts proposed a bill which would make it illegal to post or view pornography featuring old people. I shouldn't worry then; I don't tell my grandma she is doing porn; I just tell her she is playing canasta with her friends.

A North Texas legislator said Asian-descent voters should adopt names that are "easier for Americans to deal with". "I disagree with you ma'am", said Foo Kyu . . .

Republicans continue to criticize President Obama for bowing to the King of Saudi Arabia. You don’t bow to anybody . . . sorry, only Rush Limbaugh.

Republicans continue to criticize President Obama for bowing to the King of Saudi Arabia. "It is unfair", said White House officials; what the video doesn't show is that Obama bowed to the King, but after that beat the crap out of him with the most awesome karate moves . . .

Madonna has been seen going out to a restaurant with a man her age and then heading out together. Apparently, it is getting hard lately to convince grandpas that she wants to date their grandsons.

April 9th 2009

The White House is considering how to respond to the hijacking of a U.S. cargo ship by Somali pirates. Hopefully, they won't respond the same way they did with pirates here: a 90% tax charge . . .

Researchers at Newcastle University in England said that the best cure for hangover is bacon. Actually, it's the entire pig; the one you see next to you in the morning when you wake up; that definitely cures your hangover and even your alcoholism.

Walgreens has pulled the Barack Obama Chia Pet from its shelves because people complained about them. Maybe if they had called it "Barack Obama Che pet" . . .

Walgreens has pulled the Barack Obama Chia Pet from its shelves because people complained about them. Unlike Biden, who would have loved to be featured with such great hair . . .

A guy in Texas stabbed another man in the chest for passing gas in the hotel room they were sharing. And you know that in the corner of the room, a little dog was smiling.

The White House is allocating tickets for the upcoming Easter Egg Roll to gay and lesbian parents as part of the Obama administration's outreach to diverse communities, finally a chance for Cheney's daughter to see what the White House looks like . . .

According to Star Magazine, Kevin Federline and Britney Spears are doing the nasty again. Noting romantic here; Kevin needs money for the rent again.

Republican pundits are going crazy after it was known President Obama bowed to Saudi Arabia's King last week.
That’s not America. Bush would have bowed and served him orally . . .

Republican pundits are going crazy after it was known President Obama bowed to Saudi Arabia's King last week. Haven't they met a car salesman before? They would do anything to try to sell a car . . .

A policeman claims he failed a drug test because he performed oral favors to a coke head. So guys, now you know, if you are going to date Lindsay Lohan now that she's single again, be sure to get a cab on your first date.

Members of Oregon's House of Representatives passed a new bill that would get you up to five years in prison for throwing your spermatozoa at another person. And today Bill Clinton cancelled his speech in Portland.

April 8th 2009

Former president Bush failed again. Yesterday, Hussein was back in Iraq. And probably like last time, Bush was picking up bushes in Texas…

A new spray helps men who suffer from premature ejaculation delay orgasm. Actually, it is a lack of spray, deodorant, on the woman.

Kendra Wilkinson admits that when she left the Playboy Mansion, she didn't even know how to mail a letter. Ironic, because in the Playboy Mansion she was a pro handling packages.

During Obama’s visit to Iraq, and while he was talking to the soldiers, someone yelled from the crowd of photo-snapping men and women in uniform “I Love You”. Sorry, Keith Olberman couldn’t help it…

GM and Segway are coming out with a tiny two-wheel, two-seat electric car. I hate to say it but I already miss the former CEO of GM.

A study found that eating chocolate can improve your math skills. So, how come that with so many fat people in America, nobody knows enough numbers to manage the freaking economy?

Jessica Simpson was dropped from the country division of her record label and rumors are she is returning to pop. It’s weird because lately she is been doing a lot of pop: pop tarts, popsicles… etc…

A guy in Poland bit off his friend's junk and may have even eaten it. Well, you know how those Polish people like a good Polish sausage…

According to a recent survey, nearly half of all French people think it's okay for workers to kidnap their boss and hold them hostage. And suddenly, Americans started to like the French again.

According to a recent survey, nearly half of all French people think it's okay for workers to kidnap their boss and hold them hostage… but only if Americans do it for them.

Researchers at the Monell Chemical Senses Center in Philadelphia have found that women have a better sense of smell than men. That’s why they are so good at smelling our bull crap…

Charlie Sheen's infant son Max is finally home. Charlie had mixed feeling about this; he’s happy his son is back, but he won’t be able to mess with the nurses again.

According to the media, Madonna might have donated $500,000 to an Italian village devastated by the latest earthquakes. In other news, Madonna was seen walking today with a new Italian kid.

"In Touch Weekly" is reporting that Octomom has secured a deal for a reality show in which she will try to find a person to have a relationship with. Apparently, the loser is forced to date her.

According to the latest report from Consumer Reports, you can save up to $130 a year by using generic brands of toilet paper, or way more, if you start using the ShamWow instead.

April 7th 2009

CBS may replace "Guiding Light" with an updated version of "$25,000 Pyramid". The Network is waiting to see what happens on the Maddoff’s trial because who better to host the "$25,000 Pyramid" show?

Researchers at the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm, Sweden, have just determined that providing your partner with oral favors can cause tonsil cancer. So in the end, Bill loves Hillary…

Police say Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin's sister-in-law is accused of breaking into the same home twice to steal money. Apparently, she was spotted breaking through a window by some Russian neighbors.

Sarah Palin said she was disappointed that Levi Johnson and his family went to the Tyra Banks show in a quest for fame, attention, and fortune. If they want to achieve all that they should do it like everybody else and run for vice-president.

Hugh Hefner nodded off during his 83rd birthday party at Palms Place in Las Vegas. Apparently, he needed some rest in between blowing so many candles.

A man hooked up with some hot woman on an airplane while his equally hot model girlfriend was asleep next to him. The story doesn’t have a happy ending because the three of them were arrested, but according to witnesses, the guy did.

According to an annual quality study of US Air carriers, last year, Airlines delivered their best performance in four years. Apparently, one of the planes took off on time.

An artist painted an 11-foot version of the Mona Lisa using burger grease. The worst part is that he only needed the grease from 1 hamburger.
Madonna was said to be devastated after a court in Malawi denied her the adoption of a little girl. Fortunately for Madonna, there was a sale on Guchi bags so now she feels much better.

A pilot, who allegedly stole a Cessna plane from a Canadian flight school and was pursued for hours across the Midwest by fighter jets, was taken into custody after he landed on a Missouri highway. The FBI was shocked: who on earth would leave Canada nowadays to come to Missouri?

April 6th 2009

The pilot of US Airways, Flight 1549 threw out the ceremonial first pitch Saturday afternoon at the second game at the new Yankee Stadium. Unfortunately he killed two pigeons.

The pilot of US Airways, Flight 1549 threw out the ceremonial first pitch Saturday afternoon at the second game at the new Yankee Stadium. It went a little bit outside and landed in the water.

The movie Fast and Furious is the number one movie in America. And ironically that is exactly how people that go to see the movie, leave the movie theaters: Fast and Furious….

Gay marriage is now legal in Iowa . . . Now the tough part is to find gay people that want to go to Iowa.

According to the CDC, traces of a chemical used in rocket fuel were found in samples of baby powder formula. Just in case, parents were warned to do a countdown before the baby farts.

According to a local paparazzi, gunshots were fired at the wedding of Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen . That usually happens when you have Plaxico Burress as a guest.

According to local paparazzi, gunshots were fired at the wedding of Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen. Just fans celebrating when someone caught the bouquet.

A 46-year-old woman in South Africa lets wild animals like cheetahs and lions roam freely around her house. Her neighborhood is easy to spot; it is the one that has a mailman with no arms and one leg.

A 46-year-old woman in South Africa lets wild animals like cheetahs and lions roam freely around her house. Not a big deal, I know a young guy that lives surrounded by cougars.

A funeral home in South Carolina cut off the legs of a tall man so he'd fit inside a prepaid coffin. It is not big deal, the guy doesn’t need the legs anymore, he already kicked the bucket.

A study found that men are bigger gossipers than women, and you know what else, the guy that did the study is cheating on his wife with a chick that was dating his brother, who was the one that…..

Sex and the City 2" has been given a release date. Plenty of time for guys to find a way to fake an injury…

A Malawi court ruled on Friday that Madonna cannot adopt a 3-year-old child there. Apparently they vetted Madonna’s nannies and they were not fit to be good mothers.

A Malawi court ruled on Friday that Madonna cannot adopt a 3-year-old child there. Apparently Angelina Jolie pays better.

North Korea tested a long-range missile over the Pacific. This is the second time the missile landed in the water. Who is making them, Sully?

Law enforcement agencies want scientists to develop an artificial nose that can sniff out fear from people at airports. It won’t work, who isn’t afraid of flying in those old planes when you know already most of the pilots are drunk?

The Guiding Light" has been canceled by CBS after 72 straight years on radio and TV. They couldn’t compete anymore, there’s a much better plot in Sarah Palin’s family.

Doctors at the world-famous Karolinska Institute suspect that oral sex is to blame for the rise in tonsil cancer. This really sucks…

Doctors at the world-famous Karolinska Institute suspect that oral sex is to blame for the rise in tonsil cancer. It is not that bad; if they ban sucking maybe we won’t have to put up with another Rob Schenider’s movie.

Doctors at the world-famous Karolinska Institute suspect that oral sex is to blame for the rise in tonsil cancer. And if you thought it was hard to convince your wife before…

Unemployment reached 8.5 percent, the highest in a quarter-century. You can’t be surprised, even Obama is firing people now….

According to a new study from the University of Melbourne in Australia, workers who use the Internet for personal reasons at work are 9% more productive…of sperm.

April 3rd 2009

Friday leftovers! please shoot me a line if you wanna share comments, ideas, suggestions pedrobartes@hotmail.com
.... Have a great weekend

According to some witnesses, President Obama played peacemaker between the Chinese and French president who were having a heated disagreement about tax havens.

Obama solved the problem by offering them his cabinet as a tax haven. Buckingham Palace spokesman said he could not remember the last time the queen went out of protocol and touched somebody like she did with Michelle Obama. Apparently, last time the Queen displayed such public affection, Prince Charles was born.

President Obama's press people accidentally posted the number of a phone-sex line on a release meant to direct reporters to a conference call about the G20 summit. They apologized later and said that actually, that was the number for the conference call about the stimulus package.

President Obama’s press people accidentally posted the number of a phone-sex line on a release meant to direct reporters to a conference call about the G20 summit. Apparently, they accidentally used one of the numbers Bill Clinton had in speed dial when he was president.

Scientists at the University of Minnesota are working on a drug to cure kleptomaniacs. Rumors are they stole the idea from the University of Michigan. Scientists at the University of Minnesota are working on a drug to cure kleptomaniacs. Yeah, good luck trying to get funded by congress…

According to a study by the University of Minnesota, a drug used to treat alcohol addiction may help kleptomaniacs curb their urge to steal. Apparently, the pill makes them sober….

A German woman has divorced her husband because she was fed up with him cleaning all the time. I know, it sounds crazy she would dump such a catch, what the story doesn’t say is that he enjoys cleaning in a French maid outfit.

A German woman has divorced her husband because she was fed up with him cleaning all the time. I guess now I know why my marriage is lasting that long then….

A German woman has divorced her husband because she was fed up with him cleaning all the time. Unfortunately for her he mostly enjoys polishing the neighbors’ candles.

The International Monetary Fund has pledged $40 billion to Mexico. They sent it via Western Union.

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has been indicted on 16 felony counts, including racketeering conspiracy, wire fraud, and abuse of propecia.

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has been indicted for corruption while in office and faces more than 300 years in prison if convicted. Now it makes sense he compares himself to Nelson Mandela, because of the time he spent in jail.

According to veterinarians at Virginia Tech University dogs can have allergies. I know for sure they probably are allergic to Michael Vick.

April 2nd 2009

Things are so bad at General Motors that today the company was downgraded to Cadet Motors.

During her visit to Buckingham Palace in London, President Obama gave the queen an I-pod. The Queen was really disappointed; apparently, she really wanted a snuggie.

President Obama was seen exchanging words with Prince Charles during a reception. Apparently, Obama wanted to know where Charles gets the extra-large Q-tips in London.

During her visit to Buckingham Palace in London, President Obama gave the queen an I-pod with videos of her, and the Queen gave Obama a silver framed photo of herself. It was weird because later on that day, the Queen gave French president Zarkozy an I-pod with her videos on it.

The federal excise tax on every pack of cigarettes in New York is now $1.01, up from 39 cents. Can the tobacco companies get a little smarter and make packs of 50 cigarettes instead of 20’s? Just saying…

A Florida woman called 911 to report that she was locked inside her own car. Fortunately for her, she was told how to open the door and Jessica Simpson didn’t miss her concert.

Chelsea Clinton is getting married this summer. And today Bill dusted off his cop uniform, grabbed a boom box and told Chelsea he’s ready to spice up her bachelorette party.

The Octomom is on the cover of the new "In Touch Weekly". Please don’t touch her weekly, or she’ll get pregnant again.

The American College of Cardiology said that watching your favorite NFL team lose in the Super Bowl could actually cause you a heart attack. You see? Is not always so bad to be a Detroit Lion’s fans…

A luggage handler flew from New York to Boston after falling asleep in the cargo hold of a JetBlue airliner. Unfortunately, he woke up in Hawaii after the airline lost track of him.

According to a neurologist at the Tabriz Medical University in Iran, you can clear up your sinuses by pleasuring yourself or by having sex. “Ndeally? sniff… sniff..?”

According to a neurologist at the Tabriz Medical University in Iran, you can clear up your sinuses by pleasuring yourself or by having sex. So next time you get caught watching porn, remember to look at your wife, sneeze and tell her you have a cold.

Researchers at the University of Westminster in England have developed a simple and convenient way of screening for STDs which involves sending a used tampon through the mail. The company said they might start testing this for free with some women… no strings attached…

April 1st 2009

During the first meeting of the G20, leaders of the world agreed on a plan to save the world economy, providing jobs for everybody in the world with a great health care plan, and one month paid vacation for every employee. And then every leader looked at each other and said: “April’s Fool…”

The British media reported that president Obama took with him 12 teleprompters for his 8-day trip abroad. Does it mean that Obama changes teleprompters more often than underwear?

President Barack Obama is not taking a food taster with him to London. Apparently, even professional tasters dare not try British food.

President Obama’s delegation includes 200 Secret Service agents and a special task force, which focus on helping Obama avoid making fun of special kids.

According to British tabloids, Michael Jackson is asking magician David Copperfield to help him with onstage stunts for Jackson’s upcoming show. Apparently, Copperfield designed the biggest magic trick of all; to make Michael Jackson’s face look normal.

Organizers of a pub crawl in San Francisco said 200 people turned up to drink booze and model their Snuggies. Snuggies are very popular in San Francisco; they love the fact that Snuggies are opened in the back.

George W. Bush will throw the first pitch on opening day for the Texas Rangers. Bush decided to invite AIG executives to the game so he can share the boos…

A dog in the Bronx has become one of the few animals in the world to receive a permanent prosthetic limb. I thought there was already a bitch in England with a prosthetic leg, I might be wrong…

Ford and General Motors are offering to cover car payments for those who are unemployed. So, the son of a gun of Rick Wagoner that just got fired, not only will get $20 million, but also he won’t have to pay for his car!

Ford and General Motors are offering to cover car payments for those who are unemployed. But what would you need your car for if you have no money to go out and no job to go to?

A new study from the American College of Cardiology says that participating on a Triathlon pose an increase risk of sudden death. The shock your family members get when you break the news that a slob like you decided to get up from the couch and run can definitely kill them.

Experts now say it's okay for kids to watch their parents fight because it teaches conflict resolution. We should encourage Rhiana and Chris Brown to have kids, because those kids will have enough knowledge to help fix the problem between Israel and Palestine.

A dummy chained to a Boston Bank of America branch’s door, forced police to shut down the surrounding area Tuesday morning. Apparently, the CEO wouldn’t unchain himself until he got more money from the US government.