May 30th 2009

Former presidents George W. Bush and Bill Clinton held today speeches at the Metro Toronto Convention Centre. According to organizers, they both had requests: Bush asked attendants not to wear shoes, and Clinton asked them not to wear underwear.

A celebrity gossip blogger claims that Angelina Jolie is pregnant. I don’t know if it is true or not, but just in case, can somebody please tie Octomom down?

A celebrity gossip blogger claims that Angelina Jolie is pregnant. And immediately, the stocks on adoption of kids in Africa went down 30 percent.

President Obama is looking for a "Cyber Czar". The person's duty will be to scour the Internet for objectionable material. And today, Bill Clinton was heard saying: “Me, me , me, please Obama, me…”

A five-year-old girl who barks and laps up food like a dog having had more contact with canines than humans was found on Wednesday. Tough luck, the one that found her was Michael Vick.

A five-year-old girl who barks and laps up food like a dog having had more contact with canines than humans was found on Wednesday. She is going to grow up to be a real bitch.

A five-year-old girl who barks and laps up food like a dog having had more contact with canines than humans was found on Wednesday. Hey, if they need a translator my wife is available.

Police in Knoxville, Tennessee, caught a burglar who was wearing only a woman's thong. Apparently, it was an easy case to crack.

The Illinois Senate passed a bill to legalize marijuana. They used the bill later to roll a joint. More than 1,500 protesters gathered at a rally in West Hollywood expressing their opposition to the California Supreme Court's decision to uphold the state's gay marriage ban.

The protest was closely monitored by cops…construction workers, Indians chiefs, and cowboys…

American idol runner-up, Adam Lambert, said that those who speculate about his sexuality should "keep speculating." So we don’t know whether he is gay, really gay, or extremely gay.

According to a new survey, one in ten Americans spends an average of 60 minutes a day in the bathroom. Those are the ones that get a response to their foot tapping.

Tom Tancredo suggested that Sotomayor's affiliation with the National Council of La Raza, a Latino civil rights group, was equivalent to being a member of the Ku Klux Klan. But I’m sure that they have cleaner sheets…

May 29th 2009

The season premiere of "Jon & Kate Plus 8" had the best ratings in the show's history. Apparently, most of Jon’s and Kate’s lovers were watching the show.

The season premiere of "Jon & Kate Plus 8" had the best ratings in the show's history. TLC is planning on another season, but due to a possible divorce, that name might change to Jon minus Kate, the 8 kids, the house, the car…

After the success with the show "Jon & Kate Plus 8", TLC is debuting a show with a couple with 16 kids. Apparently, it is just Joe dating Octomom.

Some conservative pundits say that the only reason Obama nominated Sotomayor as a supreme court judge was because she is Latina. You see “what brown can do for you”?

According to a survey, guys think girls with foreign-sounding names are sexy. It could be true because today I caught Judge Scalia hitting on Sonia Sotomayor.

North Korea fired off several missiles this week. It makes you wonder if Hillary is the right person for the Secretary of State position, because she couldn’t even keep Bill’s missiles in his pants.

A little girl woke up from a coma and started singing "Mamma Mia" by Abba. And after a couple of minutes doctors had to restrain her dad for trying to use a pillow to smother her.

The DMV has made it illegal for people to smile in their driver's license photos in the states of Nevada, Indiana, Arkansas and Virginia. Apparently, they wanted to make it fair for those who own Chrysler cars.

Courtney Love has been sued for $352,000 by American Express for allegedly failing to pay her balance. And you thought that she was using the credit cards only to cut cocaine.

May 27th 2009

Some conservative pundits jumped quickly yesterday to criticize Obama’s pick for the Supreme Court. Some of them were not even well informed, like those who were saying that Sotomayor isn't hitting for average and has a low on base percentage this season.

Sonia Sotomayor, Obama’s pick for the Supreme Court has diabetes type one. And today the GOP immediately sent a huge basket of candy and a membership in the donut of the month club.

Adam Lambert may become the new singer of Queen but certainly not the last singing Queen….

Beyoncé has a picture of an Oscar in her gym to keep her motivated. Meanwhile, Kistey Alley also has a picture of an Oscar in her room to keep her motivated, of an Oscar Meyer sausage.

The California Supreme Court upheld the same-sex marriage ban and infuriated gays all over the country. So you’d better unscheduled your appointment with your hairdresser today, unless you want to look like Kim Jong-il.

Detroit was rated as one of the least-fit cities in the U.S. Apparently, the survey was done among its football players.

Detroit was rated as one of the least-fit cities in the U.S., which is weird because you’d expect that with all the running to avoid being shot at you would get fit.

North Korea fired off three short range missiles yesterday. Kim Jong-il knows that if some of the missiles have long range, most North Koreans would try to get on top of the missiles and get the heck out of the country.

According to a company called Information Resources Inc., the recession is causing people to have more sex. I guess we got to do what we got to do to pay the bills, right?

A fourth-grade teacher in New Orleans ate 16 worms yesterday, one for each student who passed a standardized state test. Not so cute; the worms were at the bottom of the tequila bottles that she and the 4th grade students drunk to celebrate their achievement.

The DMV has made it illegal for people to smile in their driver's license photos in the states of Nevada, Indiana, Arkansas and Virginia. It is not like you’re going to notice the difference; most of them have no teeth to show.

Al Pacino is in talks to star in an HBO TV movie about assisted suicide doctor Jack Kevorkian. He’s perfect for that role, because judging by the movies he’s been in lately, you feel like you want to commit suicide.

May 26th 2009

North Korea detonated a nuclear bomb yesterday during an underground test. Vice president Biden immediately released a statement saying that he and the president are safe in their new ultra-secret bunker located in the attic of the White House.

President Obama observed a moment of silence at 3 p.m. on Memorial Day. It must have been really tough for Biden to do the same… a moment of silence.

A Japanese company is printing horror stories on toilet paper. Actually a real horror story is when you are done with your business in the bathroom and you realized you have run out of paper.

A Japanese company is printing horror stories on toilet paper. What could be a better setting for a horror story than a Taco bell bathroom?

A small improvised explosive device detonated outside an Upper East Side Starbucks early Monday morning. Judging by the damage, the device must have been more like a venti.

A small improvised explosive device detonated outside an Upper East Side Starbucks early Monday morning. Damages are estimated in the thousands or the equivalent of two lattes.

The Cleveland Cavaliers have signed a multimillion dollar agreement with an investment group from China to sell part of the team and its arena. Today Clippers fans started cheaping in to offer money to the Chinese investors to take the Clippers to China.

North Korea tested a nuclear bomb around the town of Kilju. Iranians were the only ones really happy with the location chosen for the test… Kilju

Researchers found children born to 50-year-old fathers have a lower IQ than children born from young fathers. This just in: Larry King admitted to having a daughter… Paris Hilton.

Researchers found children born to 50-year-old fathers have a lower IQ than children born from young fathers. Actually, it is also probably the father who has a low IQ because in this economy you have to be really dumb to have a kid at the age of 50.

Germany is considering a nationwide ban on the high-energy drink Red Bull Cola after traces of cocaine were found in it. So when Red Bull was claiming they give you wings, they were not lying.

Adult movie star, Stormy Daniels announced Thursday she might be running for the US senate in Louisiana. She doesn’t hold any chances; she is still an amateur when it comes to screwing people compared to any senator.

Susan Boy made it to the Finals of Britains Got Talent. Producers of the show are considering inviting KSS for the final show to perform with Boyle, but just because with all the KISS make up on she wouldn't look that ugly....

May 26th 2009

Helio Castroneves has won the Indy 500 for the third time. Nobody could stop him at the track, he was really fast, especially when his mechanics told him that the car chasing him during the race was from the IRS.

Helio Castroneves has won the Indy 500 for the third time. His car was unstoppable, apparently since he had problems with the IRS, he decided to install a turbo in the car, a turbo TAX.

According to the media, Dick Cheney is writing his memoirs. Apparently he is not using ghost writers because even ghosts are afraid of him.

During a recent speech Dick Cheney said that this country is not safe under the Obama administration. He might be right the country is not safe, considering he is still free.

Michael Vick was released from prison after serving 19 months for dog fighting. He already received various jobs offers, a bunch of NFL teams and several Korean restaurants.

Hugh Hefner is looking to sell Playboy enterprises for $300 million. Man, can you imagine all the girls he can get with $300 million?

A man in Florida has been living in a closet that he only rents for $150 a month. No wonder Ryan Seacrest doesn’t want to get out of the closet, he’s been living there all his life and for free!

Today is Memorial Day, the day set aside to remember…. Isn’t it today then a great day to ask Nanci Pelosi today if she remembers being told about waterboarding?

Robert Furchgott, the Nobel prize-winning that paved the way to the discovery Viagra has died. It was an open casket ceremony because they couldn’t close it.

Robert Furchgott, the Nobel prize-winning that paved the way to the discovery Viagra has died. And to honor him, his friends carry the casket without any hands.

A $36 million anti-terrorism machine designed to detect bombs on airline passengers is being scuttled because the machines proved unreliable at airports. Apparently several passengers went through without being stooped carrying the latest Paris Hilton’s movie.

While speaking at a ceremony for Artesia High School , former president Bush said that sometimes he walks his dog Barney, and even picks up its poo. He shouldn’t feel bad, since Obama became president, he’s been picking up all the crap Bush left since he left office.

A new book claims President Obama privately rebuked Joe Biden for his inability to keep things to himself. In fact Obama is so mad at Biden that the other day he farted and instead of blaming Bo, the dog, he blamed the vice –president.

A group of kindergarteners were really disappointed and even cried when they found out that the White House they were supposed to visit was closed and president Obama had left to another appointment. That wouldn’t have happened if Bush had still been the president…. He would have waited for them, blown any meeting with any world leader, and watched Cartoons Networks with the kids for hours…

A group of kindergarteners were really disappointed and even cried when they found out that the White House they were supposed to visit was closed and president Obama had left to another appointment. Actually the kids dried wen they were offered the option to spend the day with Joe Biden.

An 18-year-old woman who auctioned her virginity for almost $17,000 may lose half because prostitutes in Germany are taxed at 50% of earning. That’s unfortunate; she got screwed twice on the same day and lost half of the money…

A right-wing radio host in Chicago named “Erich ‘Mancow’ Muller” lasted only 6 seconds being waterboarded and admitted that it felt like torture. To what Cheney said, yeah, but after the 180th time you start getting used to it.

A right-wing radio host in Chicago named “Erich ‘Mancow’ Muller” lasted only 6 seconds being waterboarded and admitted that it felt like torture. And now his wife is considering leaving him, because that is 3 more seconds that he lasts with her in bed.

The media in Canada says that the ceremonial torch for the 2010 Winter Olympic Games in Vancouver resembles a hand-rolled marijuana joint. And today Michael Phelps announced he is taking curling lessons to try to make it into the US Olympic team.

The media in Canada says that the ceremonial torch for the 2010 Winter Olympic Games in Vancouver resembles a hand-rolled marijuana joint. It is a great idea because it guarantees that everybody will try to keep it lit throughout the entire competition.

May 22nd 2009

Have a great weekend.... Pedro

Michael Vick was released from prison after serving 19 months for dog fighting. That’s insane, who let Michael Vick out, who, who, who… who let Michael Vick out, who, who, who…

Michael Vick was released from prison after serving 19 months for dog fighting. He said he wants to keep a very low profile, so he is considering signing for the Detroit Lions…

The same day Dick Cheney delivered a major speech, a new national poll suggests that favorable opinions of the former vice president are on the rise. Apparently, Americans would rather have Cheney giving speeches that going hunting and shooting people in their faces.

The movie Terminator Salvation opens today. This time Terminator comes back from the future to save California from going broke.

Rush Limbaugh wants MSNBC to go thirty days without mentioning him. MSNBC apologized and said that they are not going to stop mentioning the word fat or obese. That is most of their advertising with diet products.

According to a survey released yesterday, 1 out of 4 Americans admits they send text messages while driving. The other three said they can’t text while driving because they are too drunk.

Larry King has introduced a son that he has never publicly acknowledged… and the son is only 90 years old…


"Young and the Restless" actor Chris Engen has reportedly quit the soap opera because his character's storyline required a kiss with another man. And today Ryan Seacrest called the producers of the show to apply for that role…

Rep. Alan Grayson from Florida will introduce the Paid Vacation Act — legislation that would be the first to make paid vacation time a requirement under federal law. The only problem, don’t you need to have a job to be able to go on vacation?

May 21st 2009

Big shocker; last night at American Idol, someone wore more make up than Ryan Seacrest and Adam Lambert! KISS…

During the last show of American Idol, bikini girl -the contestant that auditioned in a bikini- made an appearance with new breast implants. Still, not as big as Simon Cowell’s...

Rush Limbaugh said during his show that he has quit as the head of the GOP. No sign yet of him quitting pies, fried chicken, and cakes…

Conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh challenged MSNBC on Tuesday to go 30 days without mentioning his name on television. MSNBC retaliated by saying they’ll do that if Rush promises to exercise for 30 days…

A professor says he has designed a test to predict if a child is at risk of joining a gang. You tell your kid he can’t go out with his friend and if he shoots you, he’s in a gang.

Cher turned 63 yesterday. Actually her ID did, the rest of her body is way younger…

Sheriff's deputies in Arkansas said a man used horse tranquilizers to try to drift off into sleep at a Batesville motel. Apparently, the hotel cable didn’t have NBC.

The media in Canada is pointing out that the ceremonial torch for the 2010 Winter Olympic Games in Vancouver resembles a hand-rolled marijuana joint. And today Michael Phelps announced he is taking curling lessons to try to make it into the US Olympic team.

The media in Canada is pointing out that the ceremonial torch for the 2010 Winter Olympic Games in Vancouver resembles a hand-rolled marijuana joint. So there’s no chance the flame is going to extinguish, everybody in Canada will keep it lit throughout the entire competition.

President Barack Obama and Dick Cheney both had speeches about terrorism and interrogating tactics today and almost at the same time. I don’t want to say people were bored, but some of them needed to be waterboarded just to wake up.

President Barack Obama and Dick Cheney both had speeches about terrorism and interrogating tactics today and almost at the same time. It felt like torture.

Republicans want to slow down a climate bill by reading its 946 pages out loud, so the democrats hired a speed reader that can read an entire page in just 34 seconds. Apparently, they hired the guy that reads the disclaimer with the side effects of pharmaceuticals on TV.

A court in California ruled it's okay for private schools to expel lesbians. Miss California said public schools should also be able to expel lesbians; it is not that difficult L.E.S.B.I.A.N.S…

The owner of the Pepsi Center in Denver booked a WWE event for Monday, the same day the Denver Nuggets are playing a playoff game. It is not a big deal; with all the injury faking and theatrics that Kobe has been doing lately and the slanted referees, people won’t notice the difference.

Astronauts aboard the space station drunk Wednesday water that had been recycled from their urine, and claimed it tasted great… “I have been saying this for years,” said R Kelly…

Astronauts aboard the space station drunk Wednesday water that had been recycled from their urine, and claimed it tastes great. Except for the guy that had asparagus for dinner.

Michael Vick wants to work with the Humane Society of the United States on a program aimed at eradicating dog-fighting among urban teens. Apparently, dog-fighting is only for adults.

Michael Vick is out of prison and headed home and hopeful for a second chance as a star NFL quarterback. But with all the practice he had in jail, wide receiver sounds like a more suitable position for him.

May 20th 2009

Michael Steele spoke before RNC officials on Tuesday and said that the change the GOP wants is being delivered in a tea bag. Apparently, the change Republicans offer has strings attached…

Michael Steele spoke before RNC officials on Tuesday and said that the change the GOP wants is being delivered in a tea bag. Unfortunately for the GOP, it seems most of the country likes black coffee.

Former President Bill Clinton became the U.N.'s first special envoy to Haiti on Tuesday. Hillary is very happy with that decision; you know how difficult is it going to be for Bill to find chubby chicks in a starving country?

Congress wants to crack down on credit card companies.Ironically isn't crack down the reason why Pelosi loves plastic?

According to a recent survey, Republicans fear Latinos may be leaving the party. “If Latinos leave the party early, who cleans?” said an old Republican…

The owner of the Pepsi Center in Denver booked a WWE event for Monday, the same day the Denver Nuggets are playing a playoff game. It is not a big problem; with all the injury faking and theatrics that Kobe has been doing lately and the slanted referees, people won’t notice the difference.

The owner of the Pepsi Center in Denver booked a WWE event for Monday, the same day the Denver Nuggets are playing a playoff game. “Not a problem,” said New York Knicks’ president; “you can use our arena for this event this year and the next 20.”

A man in Poland who tried to hire a prostitute to take his 14-year-old son's virginity as a present was spared jail by a court on Friday. Apparently the judge was sympathetic because the kid is a Trekkie…

Yesterday was the finale of American Idol. Millions of people voted for Adam Lambert. But we know who didn’t… Miss California…

Fox has cancelled the TV show "Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?" Apparently, due to the lack of worthy competitors.

ABC cancelled the show "Samantha Who?" When ABC producers were asked about it they replied: "Samantha Who?"

CBS is dropping "Without a Trace." Apparently, there was no trace of an audience…

NBC cancelled the show “Life…” Yeah, apparently the show is dead…

A Canadian study says that if a woman wears a D cup she has a greater chance of getting diabetes than if she wears an A cup. Apparently, it has to do with all the free diners and drinks D-cup women get from horny guys.

First Lady Michelle Obama said the White House is a place where people should feel free to speak their mind… and then made Obama shut up because she was watching Oprah.

Doctors say that a handful of nuts a week may reduce the risk of age-related blindness by 35%. That’s why I’m looking for a job in congress; with so many nuts there, I’m guaranteed a 20/20 vision for life.

The Chinese government has closed down the country's first sex amusement park. Apparently, Chinese people felt discriminated by the sign that read “you have to be this big to ride this…”

Two Russian tourists were injured while attempting to have sex with a porcupine. I hope they wore condoms… oh, it was a porcupine…. never mind.

May 19th 2009

Michael Steele spoke before RNC officials on Tuesday and called for an end to the “era of apologizing” in the GOP. Later he apologized to Rush Limbaugh for scheduling the speech at the same time of his show.

Michael Steele said the GOP should copy Reagan and move forward because Ronald Reagan never lived in the past. Of course Reagan never lived in the past; he had Alzheimer and didn’t remember a thing.

On Saturday, President Obama went to Malia and Sasha’s soccer game. Both daughters’ teams had easy victories, because, of course, if you’re the ref in any of those games, you are not going to dare make a call against Obama’s daughters’ teams with ten huge CIA security guards looking at you on the sidelines and Guantanamo still open.

President Obama wants to stop the release of a number of photos that show abuse of Iraqi detainees by U.S. military personnel. But if you received some of the Christmas cards Cheney has been sending in the last couple of years you probably already saw some of those pictures.

Vice president Joe Biden divulged the location of a secret bunker in Washington used by the vice president in the event of an emergency. He is screwed; now Obama and the Democrats know what to bomb first in case he continues making gaffes.

According to a new survey one in four moms say they're having less sex because of the economy. The other three, just the opposite, way more sex, because that’s the only way they can get some money to pay the bills.

According to a survey, the thing that frustrates British people the most is people who cut in line, unless the line is for the dentist, of course...

A 66-year-old British woman is set to become the world's oldest mom. The doctor recommended baby formula for the baby, because her milk might have passed its expiration date.

A man in Brunswick, Georgia, is offering free bus tickets out of town to prostitutes. And today Eliot Spitzer announced he’s willing to split the cost if he sends the hookers his way.

A 78-year-old woman arrested last month for allegedly beating her 84-year-old husband because she believed he cheated on her several times during their marriage. Apparently, she found another woman’s denture in her husband’s pocket.

A 78-year-old woman arrested last month for allegedly beating her 84-year-old husband because she believed he cheated on her several times during their marriage. Apparently, she found some paintings of her husband making out with another woman.

The Belgian bodybuilding championship has been canceled after doping officials showed up and all the competitors fled. I have always said it; those bodybuilders have no testicles.

The Belgian bodybuilding championship has been canceled after doping officials showed up and all the competitors fled. Last time they saw them running away in panic that fast was when a hot naked chick walked into the locker room.

Privacy advocates want to suspend the use of "whole-body imaging," the airport security technology that critics say produces "naked" pictures of passengers. Apparently, they are concerned it can ruin your future if you want to enter the Miss America beauty pageant.

A woman in Marysville, Ohio was arrested for having sex in a car while her kids were in the backseat. Well, somebody needed to hold the camera…

A woman in Marysville, Ohio was arrested for having sex in a car while her kids were in the backseat. At least we know it wasn’t Britney, because in that case the kids would have been in the front seat, driving.

May 18th 2009

The CIA contradicted Nancy Pelosi's story that she wasn't told about waterboarding.You can't blame her, she's not remembering clearly, it was way back, like seven faces ago.

The CIA contradicted Nancy Pelosi's story that she wasn't told about waterboarding.You can't blame her, she's not remembering clearly, it was way back, like seven faces ago.

Swimmer Aaron Peirsol beat Olympic star Michael Phelps in the 100-meter backstroke at the Charlotte UltraSwim on Saturday night. Peirsol had a great time of 53.32 seconds, Phelps wasn't unhappy with his 420…

Swimmer Aaron Peirsol beat Olympic star Michael Phelps in the 100-meter backstroke at the Charlotte UltraSwim on Saturday night. Ironically, Phelps got “smoked” by Peirsol.

Swimmer Aaron Peirsol beat Olympic star Michael Phelps in the 100-meter backstroke at the Charlotte UltraSwim on Saturday night. It was hard for Phelps to do the backstrokes with only one arm while the other one was holding the joint high so it wouldn’t get wet.

Researchers in Australia discovered that tall people make more money than short people. Apparently, based on the unwritten rule that says you have be “this tall” to get a promotion.

Bristol Palin graduated from high school with a GPA of 3.497, meaning she was just .003 short of graduating with honors. Apparently, what ruined her chances of graduating with honors was the F she got in sex ed.

A guy in Massachusetts was arrested for trying to eat a bowl of cereal while driving. His excuse didn’t help; he claimed he was really hungry after all the pot he had smoked before getting in the car.

A Virginia Democrat wants pharmaceutical companies to stop running ads for erectile dysfunction drugs during prime time TV, especially when children are likely to be watching television. Apparently, congressmen are concerned kids will find out that the blue pills daddy takes every day claiming they are for the cholesterol, are for something else.

A woman in England became the oldest “tweeterer” after signing up for the micro-blogging site at the age of 104. Her first tweeter read: “Get off my lawn!”

A woman in England became the oldest “tweeterer” after signing up for the micro-blogging site at the age of 104. Her first twitters read: 3 am, “I am going to the bathroom…” 3:05, “I’m going to the bathroom again…” 3:10… “I’m in the bathroom…”

A woman in England became the oldest “tweeterer” after signing up for the micro-blogging site at the age of 104. Her first twitters read: “I just saw John McCain in TV… Wow that fellow is old!”

An eight-month pregnant woman is about to become the oldest mom at the age of 66. She wants to kill two birds with one stone and have the delivery the same day she has the hip replacement.

An eight-month pregnant woman is about to become the oldest mom at the age of 66. And today John Edwards released a statement swearing he has nothing to do with that.

Doctors in Houston believe Hurricane Ike might have spawned a mini-baby boom. You know that was likely to happen with so many lonely politicians visiting the devastated area.

A Colorado man nicknamed the "Nicotine Ninja" has robbed liquor stores of more than $120,000 of cigarettes. How hard could it be to catch a thief that smokes that much? He makes two steps and gets all agitated…

A Colorado man nicknamed the "Nicotine Ninja" has robbed liquor stores of more than $120,000 of cigarettes. He is easy to recognize; he is the thief with the oxygen tank.

A New York man who was given a mastectomy did not have cancer and is suing the hospital because the wrongdoing could affect his job performance. Apparently, he works as Simon Cowel’s body double.

The economy is so bad the farm I bought when I died got foreclosed on.

A prostitute in Iowa was busted for advertising her services on the wall of an elevator. I don’t want to say she was ugly, but most people would choose to take the stairs.

There's a nightclub in Long Beach, California, called Club Bounce dedicated to the plus-size population. The club is located by the beach so the whales can roll back easily to the water.

A recent survey found out that more than one in ten teens have sent naked pictures of themselves to a complete stranger, the other nine to someone they knew.

May 15th 2009

Have a great weekend. Pedro

Nancy Pelosi reiterated during a press conference that she was not told about waterboarding. Republicans are doubting her and today they suggested that the best way to know if she’s telling the truth is waterboarding her.

Miss California, Carrie Prejean, will be a one-day guest host for Fox News Channel’s morning show Fox & Friends. She is perfect for that job, we all saw the pictures; her breasts are “Fair and Balance.”

Miss California, Carrie Prejean, will be a one-day guest host for Fox News Channel’s morning shows Fox & Friends. There could be a problem; her boobs will overshadow the other two boobs.

Kid Rock is releasing his own brand of light beer called "Badass Beer". Unfortunately, the beer tastes like its name.

A Springfield man was sentenced to serve 90 days in jail for shooting at his wife during sex. She was thankful though; at least the guy was shooting blanks.

A Springfield man was sentenced to serve 90 days in jail for shooting at his wife during sex. The judge has to be understanding; it happens to every man once in a while that during sex your gun goes off prematurely.

Pfizer is offering free drugs including Viagra to people who've lost their jobs. Unless I’m applying for a job in a porno movie, I don’t think it’ll help to show up to my job interview with an erection.

Pfizer is offering free drugs including Viagra to people who've lost their jobs. Because that’s exactly what I need… the tools to bring a kid to my poor family.

Pfizer is offering free drugs including Viagra to people who've lost their jobs. Funny, I just got laid off and now I’m looking to get laid.

Pfizer is offering free drugs including Viagra to people who've lost their jobs. Good, because I just got fired for sexual harassment.

A new study has found the air in Madrid and Barcelona has traces of cocaine. Today Amy Winehouse bought a “Rosetta Stone” and a one-way ticket to Spain.

A new study has found the air in Madrid and Barcelona has traces of cocaine. That’s why in Spain everybody hopes the wind blows.

May 14th 2009

Statistics show that some 40% of U.S. moms are unmarried… because they are all dating John Edwards.

A flawless vivid blue diamond weighing 7.03 carats sold on Tuesday for a record $9.5 million. I wonder who Kobe screw this time?

Sarah Palin has signed a book deal to write her memoirs. McCain was mad… “Why didn’t she it write before we chose her as a running mate? At least we would have known what we were going to get into.”

Craigslist is dropping its "Erotic Services" section and replace it by a new category for adult services that will be manually reviewed before appearing on the site. When he found out it’d be manually reviewed, Eliot Spitzer immediately sent his resume to see if he could get a job there.

Craigslist is dropping its "Erotic Services" section. Prostitutes will probably find a code word to continue advertising. “20-year-old car with great bumpers and a lot of junk in the trunk for only $300”

President Barack Obama declared Wednesday he would try to block the court-ordered release of photos showing U.S. troops abusing prisoners. Apparently, some of the soldiers involved in the pictures claimed that they were on a cliff when the wind blew in and the photographer wasn’t supposed to take those photos…

Singer Jessica Simpson has shot down rumors she is expecting a baby. She says she is sure she is not pregnant because to be extra safe she took the morning after pill before she had sex.

Singer Jessica Simpson has shot down rumors she is expecting a baby. Apparently, that little gut we saw in some pictures was just a chicken wing-nacho-cheese-beer gut

A species of fish that can cause LSD-like hallucinations has been caught off the coast of southern England. Many people knew already about it; where do you think the band Phish got its name from?

A species of fish that can cause LSD-like hallucinations has been caught off the coast of southern England. As soon as Rush Limbaugh heard about it, the fish became an endangered species.

A species of fish that can cause LSD-like hallucinations has been caught off the coast of southern England. Apparently, the bait used to catch it is Amy Winehouse.

Vice president Joe Biden’s nephew, Jamie Biden, plays guitar in a rock band. Apparently, he plays guitar because it is hard to sing with your foot in your mouth.

Miss California turned 22 yesterday. Her boobs are still way younger.

Nancy Pelosi reiterated during a press conference this morning that she was not told about waterboarding. Republicans are doubting her and today they suggested that the best way to know if she’s telling the truth is waterboarding her.

May 13th 2009

Donald Trump decided to let Miss California USA keep her crown. He even tried to help her make amends with the gay community by suggesting gays would love if she experiments with his wife.

Donald Trump decided to let Miss California USA keep her crown. But don’t you need a head to hold a crown?

The Miss California USA controversy is generating a new interest in the Miss America Beauty pageants. Donald Trump is loving this controversy so much that future judges’ questions will include abortion, Israel-Palestine conflict and Rush Limbaugh.

Donald Trump decided to let Miss California USA, Carrie Prejean, retain her crown. Isn’t it ironic that Miss California probably practiced all her life to wish for World Peace during the beauty pageants and she ended up causing such a war between her and those in favor of gay marriage?

According to new figures from a UK police group, coke prices are up. Things are so bad for coke addicts that now Amy Winehouse is cutting her cocaine with a Costco card and snorting it with one peso bills.

Shirley Jones, who was so wholesome on "The Partridge Family," might pose nude for Playboy at the age of 75. And that will be the first day I won’t be lying to my wife when I tell her I buy the magazine for the articles.

According to a new study from the University of Maryland Medical Center, listening to music you don't like can have a negative effect on your health. And today Rush Limbaugh sent Wanda Sykes a CD of Paris Hilton.

Paula Abdul has decided to give Scott Macintyre, this year's blind "American Idol" finalist, a guide dog. I don’t think she was happy with the dog he got her though: a drug-sniffing-dog.

According to a new study men are 40% less fertile than they were ten years ago. Awesome! It means Octomom has 40% less chances to get pregnant again.

According to HarperCollins, Sarah Palin’s new book will come out in spring of 2010. Rumors are, the name of the book is "101 Moose Recipes...”

Hotels on Mexico's Caribbean coast on Tuesday offered free vacations for three years to any tourist catching swine flu while on holiday there. Still no news of free days if you catch an STD or diarrhea.

Hotels on Mexico's Caribbean coast on Tuesday offered free vacations for three years to any tourist catching swine flu while on holiday there. It is a great idea; you’ll never see American tourists being so friendly with Hotel staff, hugging and kissing them just to see if they can catch the swine flu.

Octomom, Nadya Suleman, admitted that the surgery she underwent yesterday will actually make it EASIER for her to conceive. Apparently, the surgery consisted of breast implants, tummy tuck and more lips.

Japan is selling a new product called the Angels Knee Pillow which is basically a bench for men to kneel on while they go number one. Which is also great because you can use the kneeling to thank God it didn’t burn this time.

May 12th 2009

This is National Bike to Work Week. That’s why Monday, most unemployment offices installed long bicycle racks in front of their buildings.

"Star" Magazine says that Madonna is spending $1,000 a week on an English tutor for her boyfriend Jesus. I can’t imagine Madonna’s disappointment when she finds out that the reason she doesn’t understand Jesus is because he speaks “Young”.

Donald Trump will hold a press conference to say if Miss California should be stripped of her crown. She’s stripped off of almost everything else in those racy pictures, so I don’t think she’ll mind.

According to a survey by the CDC, one in five US homes has abandoned landlines and is exclusively using wireless phones. The other 4 are using wireless phones because they have abandoned their homes due to foreclosure.

Simon Cowell said during the Oprah Winfrey Show that he thinks Adam Lambert will win this season of "American Idol"… and Miss America too.

A judge in Saudi Arabia ruled that it's okay to slap your wife if she spends too much money. “Hey, I think we found our Supreme Court nominee,” said Chris Brown.

The space shuttle Atlantis blasted off for one last flight. After the mission is completed, NASA officials are hoping to get the $4500 government voucher and change the Atlantis for a newer model.

An Australian group of researchers found that nine in ten food ads shown during kids' TV shows are for junk food. Kids are forced to watch the last commercial because their fingers are too fat to change the channel.

Playboy magazine is planning radical changes including cutting its circulation. Ironically, that’s the reason they are not selling, because of the lack of blood circulation in some of the old Playboy magazine readers.

Republicans are outraged by Wanda Syke’s joke on Rush Limbaugh when she wished his kidney failed at the correspondents dinner. They are so brave, let’s see if some of them dare donate their kidney’s in case Wanda Syke’s wishes come true.

A new survey found that about one in 10 Americans has stopped hugging and kissing close friends or relatives because of concerns about swine flu. Apparently, only two of the Octomom kids were forced to kiss her for Mother’s Day.

Texas GOP congressman Pete Sessions said that Obama is intentionally causing the high rate in unemployment. He’s right, especially among Republicans in Congress.

May 11th 2009

Los Angeles Dodgers star Manny Ramirez has been suspended 50 games for taking a banned substance believed to be a women's fertility drug. Players suspected there was something wrong with Manny because every time he would reach first base he would complain of swollen feet and nipple leakage.

Los Angeles Dodgers star Manny Ramirez has been suspended 50 games for taking a banned substance believed to be a women's fertility drug. Some people call it suspension; he calls it maternity leave.

President Barack Obama hosted the annual White House Correspondents' Association dinner. Fox reporters were mad, especially when they noticed that at their table the only dressing they had for dinner including dessert was Grey Poupon.

An airline catering exclusively to pets will start flying this July. Most Airlines are already prepared to serve pets, after all they have been practicing for years treating their human customers like animals.

A six-month-old puppy in England was hospitalized after eating thirty fridge-magnet letters. That poor thing is going to have a heck of a “vowel” movement.

A six-month old puppy ate some fridge-magnet letters. Its crap became the front page article of the National Enquirer.

A six-month old puppy ate some fridge-magnet letters. The dog was later found stuck to a fire hydrant.

Surgeons performed the nation's first double hand transplant on a man who used to be a chef. He said he was looking forward to cooking again, but then he found out that the hands he was given were from a British person.

Conservative pundits believe that since the controversy on gay marriage broke out, Miss California is doing a lot for the right. And since her lingerie pictures showed up, she’s been doing a lot for the right, the right hand of a lot of guys…

It is unlikely for Miss California to ever participate in a beauty pageant again. After her comments about gays, there’s no chance she’ll find a hairdresser that would make her look good.

NASCAR has suspended a driver after he failed a random drug test. NASCAR officials suspected something wasn’t right when the car didn’t have any engine, but still he was driving 300 mph just by pedaling.

NASCAR has suspended a driver after he failed a random drug test. I don’t want to say it could be steroids, but officials are having a hard time trying to remove his body off the window of the car.

An Iranian man was stoned to death for being an adulterer. Just the opposite of what usually happens in this country where people become adulterers after getting stoned.

According to Mexican officials, the swine flu outbreak has cost Mexico $2.2 Billion. Only $2.2 Billion? Maybe we can put them in charge of GM.

Pennsylvania lawmakers are considering a bill that would bar welfare recipients from using taxpayer-backed benefit cards to buy alcohol. If we bar all the taxpayer money recipients from buying alcohol, there wouldn’t be many congressmen out there.

Federal officials say they're ready to begin building a new "virtual fence" along the U.S.-Mexico border. Mexicans don’t worry; they have been working for a while on a Star Trek technology that will allow them to “Bean” themselves to the other side of the border.

Nude photos of Rihanna popped up on a website. Ironically, the images already got tons of hits.

May 8th 2009

Have a nice weekend! Pedro

Los Angeles Dodgers star Manny Ramirez has been suspended 50 games for taking a banned substance believed to be a women's fertility drug. It is a great idea; who is going to throw a mean curve ball, or a furious fast ball to a pregnant hitter?

Los Angeles Dodgers star Manny Ramirez has been suspended 50 games for taking a banned substance believed to be a women's fertility drug. His team players were concerned; does it mean they ought to give him presents for mothers’ day?

A source close to Manny Ramirez said Thursday that the illegal substance for which the Los Angeles Dodgers slugger tested positive was prescribed to address Ramirez’s erectile dysfunction. Apparently, he was striking out pretty often… in bed.

A source close to Manny Ramirez said Thursday that the illegal substance for which the Los Angeles Dodgers slugger tested positive was prescribed to address Ramirez’s erectile dysfunction. Apparently, what he was using in recent games to hit the ball wasn’t his bat.

Some flu experts believe people should get the swine flu on purpose to avoid a deadly accidental infection. At least that is the excuse I used with my wife when she caught me kissing my Mexican maid.

An article in the New York Times said that some flu experts believe people should get the swine flu on purpose to avoid a deadly accidental infection. Things are getting a little crazier; today I saw Lou Dobbs shaking hands with Jose, his gardener.

Kiefer Sutherland was charged with misdemeanor assault Thursday for allegedly head-butting a fashion designer at a Manhattan nightclub. I don’t want to say he’s got an alcohol problem, but producers of 24 are considering changing his name from Jack Bauer to Jack Daniels.

Kiefer Sutherland was charged with misdemeanor assault Thursday for allegedly head-butting a fashion designer at a Manhattan nightclub. I don’t want to say he’s got an alcohol problem, but producers of 24 are considering changing the name of the show to his last breathalyzer score: ".24"

Susan Boyle will appear on "Oprah" on Monday. The interview has been heavily promoted so moms can Tivo it and use it in the future to threaten their kids when they don’t want to eat their veggies.

A Manhattan auction house is selling a collection of medieval torture devices. Apparently, they bought most of them at Dick Cheney’s garage sale.

A 21-year old dog has become the oldest known dog in the world. And as a present, today the mailman let her catch him.

Leading Republicans have started a tour focusing on listening to Americans. Exactly what Dick Cheney has been doing for years... listening to our conversations…

John Edwards made a brief appearance during the Oprah Winfrey Show. It was quite tacky, especially when he jumped in the couch for two hours to profess his love to all his mistresses.

John Edwards made a brief appearance during the Oprah Winfrey Show. He looked quite strange wearing a shower cap, but he’s afraid to lose a single hair that could be used for a DNA test.

According to a new study from a group called the Joseph Rowntree Foundation, nearly one in six women are now considered binge drinkers. Great; at least I have a chance to go to bed with one of them.

According to Time Magazine Joe the Plumber is quitting the GOP party. Rumors are he is considering joining the Whig Party.

Donald Trump said during an interview with Ryan Seacrest that he will examine the racy pictures of Miss California to see if her title needs to be taken away. And also if she could become wife material.

A cow escaped death when it fled a New York City slaughterhouse on Wednesday. This is not the first time this has happened in New York. We all remember when Rosie O’ Donnel escaped a slaughterhouse: “The View”

A cow escaped death when it fled a New York City slaughterhouse on Wednesday. The cow wasn’t that happy; it was picked up by a truck driven by Kristy Alley.

Vivid Entertainment, a porno film company is offering Miss California $1 million to star in one of their "films." They’d better hurry up, because I bet you money there’s already a racy video with her as a star that is about to pop up on the internet.

May 7th 2009

President Obama has hired a trainer for Bo the dog… and another one for Biden.

An Ohio woman who became the first U.S. recipient of a face transplant revealed her identity to the media. Next time someone needs a new face transplant they can use John Edwards as a donor, after all he can donate one of his two faces.

An Ohio woman who became the first U.S. recipient of a face transplant revealed her identity to the media. It is encouraging news, especially for Susan Boyle who is considering a face transplant.

Many experts are predicting that the current outbreak of swine flu will subside during the summer months and reappear in the fall. Right in time for sweeps!

Today is the National Day of Prayer. Or as everybody that lives in the country for the last year calls it: Thursday.

Today is the National Day of Prayer. Of course, if you are in the Obama administration, every time Biden opens his mouth is a day of prayer.

Britstol Palin will serve as Teen Ambassador to a group that advocates teen pregnancy prevention. She is not alone; apparently she’ll be joined by Chris Brown as ambassador for domestic violence and John Edwards as ambassador for faithful marriages.

Economists believe the recession could be over soon. Helped especially by John Edwards shopping purchases for “Mother’s Day.”

Political analysts believe that Obama’s 100 days in the White House must have felt like an eternity for the president. Not so much for difficulties he has to face in the country, but everybody agrees that living with your-mother in law must be very tough.

Brooke Hogan has turned 21. She can’t wait to go out and have a drink with her mom, but unfortunately her mom’s boyfriend can’t join them because he’s not old enough.

A Russian man who underwent penis-enlargement surgery is trying to have the surgery reversed. Apparently he is getting tired of stepping on it.

Scientists unveiled on Tuesday a car powered by waste from chocolate factories. The problem with the engine is that it’ll eventually need a bypass.

Some flu experts believe people should get the swine flu on purpose to avoid a deadly accidental infection. At least that is the excuse I used with my wife when she caught me kissing my Mexican maid.

May 6th 2009

President Obama and Vice President Biden had lunch at a burger joint in Virginia yesterday. Security was extra tight, not so much to protect Obama, but rather to shoot Biden in case he opened his mouth.

President Obama and Vice President Biden had lunch at a burger joint in Virginia yesterday. You know how difficult it was for Biden to eat with duct tape and a surgical mask covering his mouth?

President Obama and Vice President Biden had lunch at a burger joint in Virginia yesterday. Obama asked for a hamburger with extra government cheese.

Radio host Michael Savage is among 22 people who have been banned from entering Britain. The list consists of Michael Savage and 21 dentists.

Teams of surgeons at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center performed the nation's first double hand transplant on a man. The donor’s identity was not revealed, but it must have been a politician because the patient immediately put his hands in somebody else’s pockets.

A pharmacy in Washington DC has a tank for customers to dispose of unused medication that has expired. Once a week the tank is emptied in Paula Abdul’s mouth…

Scientists unveiled on Tuesday a car powered by waste from chocolate factories. The vehicle can reach up to 145 mph and a cholesterol of 300.

Scientists unveiled on Tuesday a car powered by waste from chocolate factories. It’d better come with a lock for the gas tank because fat people will continually try to siphon the car.

NBC is going to air Saturday Night Live on Thursdays. No wonder NBC is tanking in the ratings, what’s next: Monday Night Football on Wednesdays?

A secretary in Singapore who was performing oral sex on her boss in a car accidentally bit off his penis when the vehicle was hit by a reversing van. Apparently, she was taking DICtation…

A secretary in Singapore who was performing oral sex on her boss in a car accidentally bit off his penis when the vehicle was hit by a reversing van. Unfortunately, the man is not the head of the company anymore.

In response to provocative pictures of herself that showed up online, Miss California said that it was ok because quote: "I am a Christian, and I am a model…” which is not the same as being a model Christian.

Miss California continues her quest against gay marriage. I don’t know if she is going to lower the rate of gay marriage, but after looking at her new half-naked pics that showed up online, she’ll definitely lower the rate of heterosexual marriage, because there’s no way in the world I’m going to marry my fat girlfriend now.

The first US face transplant patient revealed her face to the public yesterday. And no, she is not the old woman that is in the finals of The Apprentice….

A man, who flew from Vietnam to Los Angeles, allegedly with 14 live birds hidden in his pants, was indicted Tuesday. He should know better: a bird in the hand is worth more than 14 in the bush.

A Japanese software company has come up with a cell phone program to help people out on the town find the nearest restroom. It is a really crappy app.

A Japanese software company has come up with a cell phone program to help people out on the town find the nearest restroom. Dial one for number one and two for number two. And it works better if you butt dial.

May 5th 2009

Gun shops across the country are reporting a run on ammunition, because gun owners believe Obama will increase taxes on bullets thus raising the price of the ammo. Shouldn’t Obama spread the rumors he is going to raise the prices of all the American cars then?

During an interview with a Christian magazine, Joe the plumber said that he doesn’t like gays. There go his chances of winning Mister US Plumber 2009.

Joe the Plumber said during an interview that he doesn't allow openly gay people "anywhere near" his children. I guess that if he runs for congress and wins his kids won’t be able to visit him at work.

A university in Pennsylvania held a separate graduation ceremony for students who'd recently been to Mexico. It was really emotional when at the end of the ceremony students tossed their surgical masks on the air.

A pilot walked away unharmed from a crash in Washington State after landing his small plane in a field full of portable toilets. They are now calling him “Sullied” Sullenberger.

President Obama said his administration will get tough on overseas tax havens. He should start first getting tough on national tax havens like his own cabinet.

Hispanic marchers gathered all over the country on May Day. Things have changed since last year; before they used to march for illegals’ rights; now they just want the right to shake hands and hug people.

Hispanic marchers gathered all over the country on May Day. Day schools in the U.S. that were closed for the swine flu opened without fear.

58% of women say they are satisfied with their sex life. The other 42% can call me anytime and I’ll show them how I did it with the other 58%.

Today is Cinco de Mayo, the day Mexicans celebrate beating the swine flu.

Lawmakers want advertisements for drugs to treat erectile dysfunction banned on radio and television during the vast majority of daytime and prime time hours. If the bill passes, Pfizer is done. Most of their clientele for ED drugs go to sleep right after having the early bird special at 5 PM.

Mexico announced a return to "normalcy" on Monday, and by normalcy they mean people will go back to dying mostly for the drug war.

John McCain will host a war movie marathon on Memorial Day on AMC. The featured movies will be about different wars…. Revolutionary war, First World War and Second World War… all wars McCain fought.

John McCain will host a war movie marathon on Memorial Day on AMC. Former president Bush will also host a movies marathon: All the “Porky’s” movies.

Swiss police said they are investigating a 7-year-old girl's discovery of a condom in her McDonald's Happy Meal. Ironically, that was probably the healthiest thing in that meal.

Swiss police said they are investigating a 7-year-old girl's discovery of a condom in her McDonald's Happy Meal. I don’t want to brag but that’s why I usually supersize mine.

May 5th 2009

The White House announced Friday that Joe Biden will travel to Bosnia, Herzegovina, Serbia and Kosovo. And you know Obama is crossing his fingers that Hillary’s stories of sniper fire in Bosnia were true.

The White House announced Friday that Joe Biden will travel to Bosnia, Herzegovina, Serbia and Kosovo. Biden was surprised and wanted to know who scheduled a trip to Bosnia on a boat that goes through the coast of Somalia.

Producers of American Idol are trying to get president Obama as a guest for one of the final episodes of the show. They have also been working on getting Joe Biden… to replace Paula Abdul…

According to British soldiers, the Taliban is using donkeys as suicide bombers. Apparently, after a request from lots of dissatisfied virgins.

According to British soldiers, the Taliban is using donkeys as suicide bombers to kill tons of innocent people. And today PETA released a statement to complaint the death of innocent donkeys.

The movie Wolverine didn’t get good reviews by movie critics. Apparently, they all thought the end was quite tacky, especially the part that the wolverine gets killed by Sarah Palin shooting from a helicopter.

Politicians are downplaying the swine flu saying that the media is blowing things out of proportion. It is easy for them to say; they won’t catch it, after all most of the politicians live in a bubble.

During the Oprah show, Kirstie Alley talked about how she gained all her weight back and said she would love to have Michelle Obama’s arms. Of course; with 4 arms she can eat a lot more at the buffet.

During the Oprah show, Kirstie Alley talked about how she gained all her weight back and said she would love to have Michelle Obama’s arms…. with potatoes and gravy.

Miley Cyrus told the Daily Mail that she wants to stay virgin until she gets married. Good luck trying to get backstage with Radiohead or any other band after that comment.

Joe Biden’s popularity increased immensely after the comments he made about the swine flu and the travel industry. He got 100 percent approval among comedians.

The White House had more than 60,000 fans on Facebook and more than 8,000 friends on MySpace within a few hours of the pages going online. They didn’t reject anybody, except Joe Biden, of course.

A Couple in England was caught having sex on the Queen's lawn and filmed. Apparently, they misunderstood the queen; she was screaming GET OFF my lawn, not GET OFF ON my lawn.

A Couple in England was caught having sex on the Queen's lawn and filmed by Japanese tourists. Finally something interesting the queen can load in the i-Pod she got from Obama.

A 50-year old Saudi man has agreed to divorce his 9-year-old bride. He complained she was ignoring him because she was too much into toys.

A 50-year old Saudi man has agreed to divorce his 9-year-old bride. Apparently, he suspected she was cheating on him the day he discovered she had the cooties.

London has launched an audacious bid to stage the Super Bowl within the next eight years. Everybody in America was outraged, except Detroit Lions fans; they know they won’t be playing it….

A group of prominent Republicans launched a listening tour Saturday. Apparently, they go to every town in America, turn on the radio and listen to what Rush has to say.

A pilot in Tacoma Washington crash landed into a lot full of portable toilets and survived. Holy crap!

A pilot in Tacoma Washington crash landed into a lot full of portable toilets and survived. Fortunately, Larry Craig and the guy in the stall next to him only had minor injuries.

Pope Benedict XVI has announced five new saints. Can somebody please tell Keith Olberman that Obama cannot be considered a Saint until he dies?

May 1st 2009

That's it for this week... have a great weekend. Pedro... pedrobartes@hotmail.com

First we had the mad cow disease, then the bird flu, now the swine flu. Do we have to check the Chinese horoscope to know what kind of disease is coming next?

Egypt began slaughtering the roughly 300,000 pigs in the country Wednesday as a precaution against swine flu. And when he heard that, Lou Dobbs insisted they call it Mexican flu.

Our media always finds a way to scare us. We replaced the pirates for the swine flu. We went from Arrrrrgh, to Aaaaaaaaaahhhhtchu….

Health officials in Africa reported yesterday that they have no confirmed cases of swine flu in the country. Evidently, Africans cannot afford a trip to Cancun.

70% of men feel inferior when they look at male models on magazine covers. The other 30% feel aroused.

Researchers have found that eating fatty foods can help boost a person's memory. Nature always has a way to balance itself, because you lose memory when you smoke pot but you regain it with the munchies.

Researchers have found that eating fatty foods can help boost a person's memory. Maybe that’s why Kirstie Alley has the looks and memory of an elephant.

According to a new study from Texas A&M University, nine in ten couples admit they became LESS satisfied with their marriage after having kids. The other couple is Hannah Montana’s parents.

Sarah Palin was a guest on an episode of "American Chopper" on The Learning Channel. Imagine her disappointment when she showed up armed to the teeth to shoot wolves from the helicopter and was told that the show is about motorcycles.

A survey by the National Health and Nutrition Examination here in the U.S. found that the number of obese adolescents has increased to 17.6%. Another case of a pig pandemic…

Vice President Joe Biden said Thursday that he would not recommend taking any commercial flight or riding in a subway car because of the swine flu virus. I don’t want to say it was a dumb comment but even Bush went: Uhhhhh?

Vice President Joe Biden said Thursday that he would not recommend taking any commercial flight because of the swine flu. Someone should tell him, it’s swine flu, not swine flew… Planes will not be crashing with flying pigs…

The World Health Organization insisted yesterday that the swine flu virus doesn’t spread with the contact with pigs, and Bill Clinton immediately sighed with relief.

A Couple in England was caught having sex on the Queen's lawn. Apparently, they misunderstood the queen; she was screaming get off my lawn, not get off in my lawn.

Kim Kardashian told reporters that she wants us to stop focusing on her backside. It was hard to understand though because she wasn’t facing the cameras while saying that, her back was…