September 30th 2009

Blue dog Democrats in the senate rejected the public option amendment that Obama was hoping to pass. Obama wasn’t mad, but as a present he sent the blue dogs an invitation for an evening with Michael Vick.

In a recent survey, 16% of Americans said they'd like to switch bodies with Hillary Clinton… the ones that don’t want to have sex with Bill.

Miners in South Africa discovered a 507-carat white diamond… big enough to cover Kobe Bryant for at least two or three affairs.

Tom Delay almost got eliminated from Dancing with the Stars after a really bad performance dancing the Tango. Shouldn’t he have called Mark Sandford? If there’s a politician that has experience with the Argentinean tango, it’s probably him.

The American Girl Company released a "Homeless Doll". It is very affordable; it doesn’t come with any accessories.

The American Girl Company released a "Homeless Doll". It comes with a shopping cart as an accessory.

Jon Gosselin will no longer appear on "Jon & Kate Plus 8". After his divorce, he is hoping to come up with his own show: Jon Minus Kate, the kids, the house, the car…

Jon Gosselin will no longer appear on "Jon & Kate Plus 8". The show will be called Kate plus 8. But the name is likely to change soon, you know those kids can’t wait to get the heck of there too.

According to a “60 Minutes” survey, 45% of Americans have used medication to help them sleep. The other 55% just watch CSPAN.

According to a “60 Minutes” survey, 4% of Americans say that the hardest thing for them to cut back on during the recession was alcohol. The other 96% were too drunk to understand the question.

According to some rumors, CNN might consider Ryan Seacrest to replace Larry King. Funny… we go from a King to a Queen.

A Massachusetts man who stole a hot dog from another man sitting under a tree in a park has been sentenced to 18 months in prison. He’ll have plenty of foot-longs in jail to enjoy.

Authorities in the US believe there’s a big chance that Roman Palonski will be extradited to America for his decades-old rape charge. Polanski might accept to come back as long as he can stay at the Neverland Ranch.

September 28th 2009

Sarah Palin has finished her memoir just four months after the book deal was announced. Palin's book will be 400 pages, it was supposed to be 800 but she quit halfway through.

Sarah Palin’s new book’s title is Going Rogue. Ironically, the name is similar to Biden’s ideal name for his upcoming book: Going Rogaine!

Sarah Palin has finished her memoir just four months after the book deal was announced. People had the chance to hear some excerpts of the book during Moammar Khadafy’s speech at the UN convention.

A Washington, D.C. restaurant named a sandwich after Michelle Obama. It has almost no fat, and it’s just all buns…

A Washington, D.C. restaurant named a sandwich after Michelle Obama. They are working on another for Biden; it’ll be just all baloney.

Authorities in Oklahoma say the mother of a 14-year-old Oklahoma boy has been arrested after her child told police he had spent years locked inside a bedroom closet. Just in case, today, Ryan Seacrest’s mom made it clear that she is not forcing his son; being inside the closet is his choice.

Chris Brown will make his musical comeback next month in New York. Because since he was sentenced, the only thing he’s allowed to hit is the stage.

Researchers in Brazil say that the bite from a Brazilian wandering spider can be used to treat erectile dysfunction. And today Elton John bought a Spiderman costume and started practicing Portuguese.

According to a poll by 60 Minutes and Vanity Fair, 15% of Americans don't care if our elected officials cheat on their spouses. Yeah… the 15% that is having the affairs with the politicians.

According to reports, Madonna is going to marry Jesus Luz before the end of the year. As soon as he gets permission to be absent from school for a couple of days for the Honeymoon.

President Obama will travel to Texas next month to speak at an event hosted by George H. W. Bush. Apparently, Obama accepted because he wants to know if he’s still in time to return the country back to the former president.

Wal-Mart was voted as the company that best symbolizes America: full of Mexicans and almost everything made in China!

Recent reports suggest that Pamela Anderson is broke and owes $600,000 to a construction company. The company is the one in charge of her last boobs’ augmentation.

In a recent survey, 59 % of Americans say they would prefer a job that offers better security over one that offers higher pay. The other 41% say they would like a job.

A small group of homeless sex offenders have set up camp in a densely wooded area behind suburban Atlanta. They were thankful to the boy scouts that helped them pitch a tent.

September 28th 2009

Roman Polanski was finally arrested on that decades-old rape charge while in Switzerland to receive a prize for his life's work. You should have seen Polanski’s look on his face when Chris Hansen of “Catch a Predator” was the one handing him the award.

Roman Polanski was finally arrested on that decades-old rape charge while in Switzerland to receive a prize for his life's work. It makes you wonder if the Swiss would also offer Bin Laden a prize for his life's work.

An Al-Qaeda training manual confiscated by U.S. officials calls for the destruction of "places of amusement, immorality and sin". And today the CIA doubled the security in Congress.

Glenn Beck went back to his hometown of Mt. Vernon, Washington, to receive the key to the city. Obama fooled him, the key doesn’t work, they closed the door and now he is stuck in Mount Vernon forever.

A proposed law in L.A. would limit each household to one rooster. Another attempt in California to suppress gay marriage, banning two cocks in the same house.

A South African man walked four brides to the altar, marrying them at the same time to save money. “Why didn’t I think of that?” Said Larry King!

Cab drivers in Chicago want to impose a $50 fee to passengers that vomit. Well, maybe if they shower once in a while…

The mayor of Sheboygan, Wisconsin was taped drunk at a bar telling some people that his sister-in-law was great at giving oral sex. And today Bill Clinton bought a one-way ticket to Sheboygan.

Conan O'Brien hit his head during a stunt for the "Tonight Show," and couldn’t do Friday’s show. It was an accident said his co-host Andy, who left the show whistling and with some banana peels in his pocket.

Conan O'Brien hit his head during a stunt for the "Tonight Show." Conan cracked jokes during the ambulance ride to the hospital. And when he arrived, he didn’t have jus one bump on his head, but several.

The recession is over; there’s peace between Israel and Palestine; Republicans and Democrats agree on a Health Care plan… NBC ratings are huge… all that is possible… because, if the Detroit Lions can win a game, everything is possible.

The Detroit Lions snapped a 19-game losing streak beating the Washington Redskins… Once again Washington bailing out Detroit, huh!

The Detroit Lions snapped a 19-game losing streak beating the Washington Redskins. People celebrated all over the country, because that is where most people from Detroit live now, everywhere except Detroit.

President Obama has given 124 interviews so far, about three times as many to this point in his presidency as Presidents Bush and Clinton. Well, neither Bush nor Clinton was so desperate to leave the White House because your mother-in-law lives there…

Inmates in England used the hand sanitizers given by the government to protect them from H1N1 to get drunk. So, that’s why my friend would down two or three bottles of Purell every time he went to a restaurant saying that “I’d better drink it, nobody knows who touched the food.

Brett Favre threw a game-winning touchdown with two seconds left that gave the Vikings a 3 and 0 record. They are already talking Super bowl in Minnesota and even Favre as MVP, who requested that instead of going to Disneyland, he’d rather go to Florida.

A woman in New Jersey that has just turned 100 years old went to work on the day of her birthday. Well, you know, The View is not the same without Barbara.

A woman in New Jersey that has just turned 100 years old went to work on the day of her birthday. It is cute and all until you find out she works as a stripper.

Police arrested six women in Stamford for beating a 25-year-old woman following an argument over her bad karaoke performance. The six women were banned from ever entering a karaoke bar and a Britney Spears concert.

Muammar Qaddafi gave a long speech, filled with inappropriate comments at the UN convention. I think Fox News just found a safe replacement for Glen Beck!

SEptember 25th 2009

Happy Friday everyone. It was a hard week, a lot of work, I need this weekend. Send me an e-mail if you wanna sayHi, or suggest something, or if you are from radio, I would love to know who read this (who is brave enough...) thanks pedrobartes@hotmail.com

Baristas at a drive-thru coffee shop in Everett, Washington, have been charged with prostitution after police discovered they would expose their entire body and sometimes even go further for extra money. Apparently, the baristas were advised about this business opportunity by ACORN.

Baristas at a drive-thru coffee shop in Everett, Washington, have been charged with prostitution after police discovered that they would expose their entire body and sometimes even go further for extra money. Why is it legal for Starbucks to screw us, but it is prostitution when is the other way around?

Baristas at a drive-thru coffee shop in Everett, Washington, called Grab-N-Go, have been charged with prostitution after police discovered that they would expose their entire body and sometimes even go further for extra money. Well, what can you expect when the place is called Grab-N-Go?

Bullet makers in the U.S. are having trouble making enough ammunition to keep up with the demand. But now that Plaxico Burress is locked up, things should change a bit.

The UN signed a resolution to get rid of all the nuclear weapons. Even the Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, agreed this time, as long as we throw all the nuclear bombs at the same time… in Israel.

Glen Beck made people believe he threw a frog inside a pot of boiling water, when in fact he didn’t do it. This is not new; Glen is known for being a great magician; after all he made 30 advertisers disappear from his own TV show.

A Court judge in Burlington County, New Jersey, dismissed charges against a man that had oral sex with cows. But enough about Bill Clinton.

Billy Joel's home in the Hamptons is on sale for $35 million. The house includes 8 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms and 4 garages; two that came with the house and 2 more he made while trying to park drunk at night.

Republicans have outraised Democrats in the last month. They would do anything to get their representatives back in Congress so they don’t embarrass themselves in Dancing with the Stars.

A man from Montana said he got to live to be 113 because he has only 2 meals a day. So if my math is correct, most of Americans will die at the age of 30…

A study suggests that children that are spanked end up with lower IQ’s that those who aren’t. You should see Bush senior’s huge belts!

A study suggests that children that are spanked end up with lower IQ’s that those who aren’t. Ironically, my dad used to spank me to make me study.

A study suggests that children that are spanked end up with lower IQ’s that those who aren’t. Maybe that’s why former president Bush didn’t read much as a kid. He used to put the books in his pants to protect his butt from his dad’s constant spanking.

The CW is launching a reality show about flight attendants called “Fly Girls”. Maybe, for once, everybody should ignore them and not watch it, like they do to us when we are on the plane.

At least nine out of 10 Americans, men and women alike, have had premarital sex, says a new report. Ironically, that number if reversed with people after marriage.

A study reveals that smacking your children as a way to discipline them might lower their IQ, especially if you smack them on their heads.

September 24th 2009

In his first U.N. appearance, Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi spoke for more than an hour in a speech that sounded at times incoherent and accusatory. Apparently, he hired one of Sarah Palin’s speech writers.

A British store is launching a range of underpants for left-handed men. I’m a lefty but unfortunately, or fortunately, I need both my hands to hold it when I go to the bathroom.

Most of the attendees at a conference in Hong Kong where Sarah Palin spoke said that her speech was long and humorless. Apparently, they were expecting Tina Fey.

Most of the investors that went to a conference in Hong Kong where Sarah Palin spoke said that her speech was long and humorless. Apparently, they were hoping she did what she did with Alaska and quit the speech.

Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin delivered her first major international speech in Hong Kong at an investors conference. And right after that, most of the puzzled attendees, fired their English teachers claiming they didn’t understand a word of what she was talking about.

An Indonesian woman has given birth to a 19.2-pound baby boy. But nothing compares to America’s biggest baby: Kanye West.

An Indonesian woman has given birth to a 19.2-pound baby boy. If the baby starts trashing capitalism and the US health care system, I guess we know who the father is.

An Indonesian woman has given birth to a 19.2-pound baby boy. And McDonald already named him an honorary customer.

An Indonesian woman has given birth to a 19.2-pound baby boy. He wasn’t born via C section, but via the entire alphabet.

Jon Gosselin’s new girlfriend got a boob job. Apparently, it is not enough with the huge boob she’s dating now…

Jenny Sanford, the estranged wife of South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, is writing a book. And the jerk of her husband offered to get somebody to do a translation into Spanish.

Jenny Sanford, the estranged wife of South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, is writing a book which tentative name is “The Book of Job.” Ironically, “The Book of Job” might leave her husband without one.

Chicken is the most-ordered meal at U.S. restaurants, eEspecially after Ernie Anastos, the TV anchor in New York, made doing them trendy.

September 23rd 2009

In his first U.N. appearance, Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi spoke for more than an hour and issued a slashing attack on the Security Council and chastised the UN on for failing to intervene or prevent some 65 wars around the world since. Where was Kanye West when we needed him the most?

Chaz Bono is writing a book about his gender transformation. At the end, it turns into a pop-up book.

Al Qaeda released a 106-minute Arabic language video Tuesday. I think NBC is exaggerating a little, because in it you can see a couple of times the promo for the new Jay Leno show.

Al Qaeda released a 106-minute Arabic language video Tuesday. In it, Al Qaeda's second in command Ayman al-Zawahiri predicts the downfall of America for choosing Taylor Swift instead of Beyonce’s video during the MTV video Awards.

David Arquette confirmed rumors on the making of the movie “Scream 4”. This time there’s a twist: Scream 4 is about the horrifying Town Hall Meetings.

Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen are being sued by paparazzi who were shot at during their Costa Rican wedding. And you know that today Gisele is giving Tom a hard time for inviting Plaxico to the wedding.

Scientists in Haifa, Israel, have discovered that how you write can indicate whether you’re a liar. That’s why politicians always type.

The new season of Dancing with the Stars was down 19 percent from last year's premiere. Producers are not surprised; that is Tom Delay’s usual cut.

After three years, a separated couple finally reaches agreement on the custody of their dog. I don't want to say the dog was tired of this crap, but it even suggested to be given to Michael Vick.

According to a new Rasmussen Report, three in four Americans think we're becoming ruder as a society. And the other flipped me the finger and didn’t even answer the question.

The LA Lakers were invited to the Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom’s wedding. Big mistake, because you know that when Khloe tosses the bouquet; Kobe is going to grab it and not pass it to anybody throughout the entire night.

A Scientist claims that humans could become immortal in as little as 20 years' time. So I know that in 19 years, 11 months and 30 days I will take my wife to the Grand Canyon and encourage her to get close to the edge to see the view… and…

Tom Delay pulled out a bunch of sexy moves on his debut in Dancing with the Stars. I wouldn’t if I were him, because some inmates were already fantasizing.

September 22nd 2009

According to scientists, a rub-on cream potentially as effective as Viagra but without any side effects has shown promise in tests on lab rats. Politicians are really happy because if it works on rats…

According to scientists, a rub-on cream potentially as effective as Viagra but without any side effects has shown promise in tests on lab rats. How do we know the cream really works rather than the rats got aroused just by the gentle hands of one the researchers?

A rub-on cream potentially as effective as Viagra but without any side effects is being developed by scientists. The only side effect is that by the time you are done applying it, you are done…

During an interview on CNN, president Obama mispronounced one of his daughter's names and instead of Malia he called her Maya. What a difference with the Clinton administration. If that had happened then, we all would have thought Bill was talking about an illegitimate daughter.

A professional eater won $1,500 after he ate 33 burritos in 10 minutes, winning the 2009 World Burrito eating championship. Unfortunately, he had to use all the money in plumbers to fix his bathroom after his first visit right after the competition.

Talking about whether the reaction to his health care plan is driven by racism, president Obama said that he was black before the election… but he kept it quiet so certain people would vote for him.

Talking about whether the reaction to his health care plan is driven by racism, president Obama said that he was black before the election… Obama said he was black before the election, and Biden said he was bald.

Three out of every four NFL players go broke within two years of retirement. Why do you think Bret Favre keeps coming back…

David Hasselhoff says he wasn't drunk and it was all a misunderstanding over an ear problem. Apparently, he couldn’t hear that he had drunk enough.

David Hasselhoff says he wasn't drunk; it was just an equilibrium problem. He just kept falling on top of bottles.

David Hasselhoff says he wasn't drunk; it was just an equilibrium problem. Apparently, it is very difficult to walk juggling 3 or four bottles at the same time.

A former Bush speech writer said that the former president once said that 'If bull**** was currency, Joe Biden would be a billionaire.' And Bush’s administration would have left a surplus instead of a deficit.

A man in Montana celebrated his 113th birthday. Among his whishes before blowing the candles, he wished he was able to blow them all.

Yesterday was Nicole Richie’s birthday. She turned 28… lbs after she ate some cake…

Kelly Clarkson says she's a big fan of her butt. Me too, said Bill Clinton…

An injured woman survived for five days in the wilderness of Colorado by sucking the moisture from her hair. Poor Kevin Eubanks; he would have died of thirst.

Two dozen women in Michigan are breastfeeding a widower's son. I think Hugh Hefner found an heir to his throne.

Tom Delay pulled out of bunch of sexy moves on his debut in Dancing with the stars. I wouldn’t if I were him, because some inmates were already fantasizing.

After three years, a separated couple finally reached an agreement on the custody of their dog. I don't want to say the dog was tired of this crap, but he suggested to be given to Michael Vick.

How you write can indicate whether you’re a liar, scientists in Haifa, Israel, have discovered. That’s why politicians always type.

September 21st 2009

According to an opinion poll, one in seven Germans want the Berlin Wall back. And Mexicans immediately offered to send the one that separate them from the US.

A man in Canada set a Guinness record after pulling a plane with a rope for 8.8 meters. Apparently, he was freaking tired of waiting with the plane in the tarmac and decided to take matters into his own hands.

Two boys have found nearly $100,000 in cash while fishing on the New South Wales north coast. They returned the $50,000 to the police who immediately started looking for the owner of the $25,000.

During the Frankfurt Auto Show, Volkswagen unveiled a new electric car called the "E-Up". GM is expected to come with its own electric car version called “F-Up.”

Saturday was National Talk Like a Pirate day. I wish I knew some Somalian.

Doctors said Dick Cheney’s elective back surgery went well. They expect Cheney will be back screwing people’s lives in no time.

A restaurant in Southgate, Michigan sold a 182lb burger. What a fraud! The burger doesn’t come with fries…

A restaurant in Southgate, Michigan sold a 182lb burger. Also known as “the Dr. Kevorkian.”

A restaurant in Southgate, Michigan sold a 182lb burger. After Michael Moore was done with it, he ordered the main course.

Occidental College in Los Angeles is offering a course in stupidity. Jessica Simpson wasn’t accepted as she had an unfair advantage over the other students.

Occidental College in Los Angeles is offering a course in stupidity. So if you pass the course, you’re ready to run for office.

“Mad Men” won the Emmy for best drama series. Congratulations to Glen Beck, Sean Hannity and Fox!

Hillary Rodham Clinton and the State Department are being sued by a diplomat who claims she wasn’t considered for a job because she was too old. Hillary apologized and said she won’t give Bill the task of hiring people anymore.

The New York anchor that dropped the F word on the air apologized Friday. Nevertheless, PETA is now going against the weatherman for abusing those chickens.

Congress stripped ACORN of all federal funding. It got some people angry, for instance Mickey Mouse said he will never vote again.

According to a new survey, the state where men have the longest average penis length is Washington, D.C. I guess we all knew they had the biggest dicks.

A lockout with the referee might force the NBA to use replacements for next season. Apparently, Stern is trying to convince the referees’ eye-seeing-dogs to officiate future games.

Fox News posted an ad in several papers saying they were the only ones that covered last week’s protest in Washington, D.C. It is not true; all the big networks covered the march… they covered the march with crappy shows in their network so nobody would see it.

A new book brought out by the Church invites couples to recite a making-love-prayer. Before making love, I usually pray my wife doesn’t catch me.

A new book brought out by the Church invites couples to recite a making-love-prayer. I always pray to my wife to see if we can finally do it tonight.

September 18th 2009

Authorities in California arrested a man they said tried to trade his father's car for $50 worth of crack cocaine. Or as he called it: the crack for clunkers program.

Goldman Sachs' executives received huge bonuses this month. You have to have big “Sachs” to dare get bonuses after we saved your behind with our money.

The ratings of the first Leno show were huge, more than 18 million viewers. Unfortunately, the ratings were measured by the same people that said that there were 2 million protesting outside the Capitol last Saturday.

According to a new government study, nearly 8 million Americans contemplate suicide each year .Unfortunately, Kanye wasn’t on that list.

According to a new government study, nearly 8 million Americans contemplate suicide each year .Isn’t that a sign that we need to stop broadcasting The View?

Iran experts at the U.N. nuclear monitoring agency believe they are really close to making a bomb. Apparently, they just hired some executives from NBC.

Six in ten Americans worry about losing their jobs soon. The other four, really really soon.

Health officials in North Carolina are offering Wal-Mart gift cards to people who get tested for syphilis. Don’t they realize that that is where they found the dates that gave them the STD’s?

According to a recent study, British men are becoming increasingly interested in having their eyebrows professionally groomed. A smart trick… with nice eyebrows they want to distract people from looking at their teeth.

Bad grammar and spelling tripped up a man who was trying to steal Social Security numbers and other information from job-seekers by impersonating West Virginia's governor. If he had chosen Bush’s identity, the bad grammar wouldn’t have been a problem.

September 17th 2009

A 60-year-old US grandmother, blind for nearly a decade, has recovered her sight after surgeons implanted a tooth in her eye as a base to hold a tiny plastic lens. This is great news for all blind people, except those in England, in the South and hockey players.

A 60-year-old US grandmother, blind for nearly a decade, has recovered her sight after surgeons implanted a tooth in her eye as a base to hold a tiny plastic lens. Unfortunately, she is now crossed-eyed as her tooth was crooked.

A 60-year-old US grandmother, blind for nearly a decade, has recovered her sight after surgeons implanted a tooth in her eye as a base to hold a tiny plastic lens. And the good thing is she can even floss with her eyelashes.

Chris Brown says he now misses Rhiana. Of course; it is hard to connect a punch when you are forced to be a 100 yards away from her.

Burly construction workers in Austria scurried for cover when a naked blonde rushed at them shouting: "Who wants me?” It wasn’t only the construction workers; it was also the cops, the Indians and the cowboys at the Village People convention.

CNN showed the video of Obama criticizing Kanye West. And Kanye interrupted the showing to say Beyonce’s video was way better.

According to a survey in Oklahoma, only one in four public high school students can name the first President of the United States. And 4 of them can’t name the actual president without making their parents curse.

More than 100,000 people downloaded an i-Phone application that tells you locations where you can buy marijuana. Actually, it is probably the same guy that keeps forgetting he has downloaded it already.

More than 100,000 people downloaded an i-Phone application that tells you locations where you can buy marijuana. It is next to the application that helps you locate the Taco Bells.

A picture of Obama brandishing a light saber during a photo op to promote Chicago's bid for the 2016 Olympic Games has made the rounds on the web. Obama asked to keep the light saber in case he needs to fight Darth Vader, I mean Cheney.

A picture of Obama brandishing a light saber during a photo op to promote Chicago's bid for the 2016 Olympic Games has made the rounds on the web. During the photo op he managed to kill 3 flies with it.

Burt Reynolds has entered rehab. But his wig decided to continue partying.

Chris Brown began his 180 days of hard labor yesterday, clearing brushes and picking up trash. Imagine his disappointment when among the trash he found tons of his cd’s.

Three NFL players agreed to donate their brains to scientists studying the effects of concussions. But only one was bold enough to do it BEFORE he died. Thanks, T.O.

18 celebrities died this summer in what it is now known as the summer of death. Hollywood is really worried, not because celebrities are dying, but because the tribute at the Oscar ceremony this year is going to be really, really long.

Michael Douglas will play flamboyant pianist and entertainer Liberace. And to portray better the flamboyant Liberace in an upcoming film, Michael Douglas has asked his son to keep a diary of his experiences in prison.

Cheney went under the knife today... how uncomfortable for the doctor when Cheney grabbed the scalper and told the doctor, no doctor, that's the way you handle the scalper...

September 16th 2009

President Obama called Kanye West a jackass and even Joe Wilson screamed “You DON’T lie!”

President Obama called Kanye West a jackass. And today a very confused Al Sharpton hired a shrink because he doesn’t know what to do now.

President Obama called Kanye West a jackass. And today I spotted Glen Beck blasting some Kanye out of his car stereo.

A 68-year-old man in Missouri has been working at the same McDonald’s restaurant for the last 50 years. With all the fatty food he’s served, he’s helped more people died than Doctor Kevorkian.

Government scientists say that the number of feminized fish is growing rapidly. They arrived to that conclusion because there are more and more male fish getting stuck to the nets by their high heels and earrings.

Government scientists say that the number of intersex fish, or hermaphrodite fish, is growing rapidly. They are really hard to catch; they run as fast as South African sprinters.

Kanye West called and apologized to Taylor Swift after her appearance on "The View". He realized what a huge mistake he made because after being on The View, Taylor will be traumatized for life.

Donald Trump called Kanye West's behavior at the VMAs disgusting. But then invited him to judge the next Miss America contest.

Senators plan to introduce what they hope will be a final health care reform proposal. Finally! I need it now because I’m already sick of all this.

State and local tourism officials in South Carolina are being flooded by e-mails and calls from people across the country who say they won't vacation there because they are upset by Rep. Joe Wilson's outburst at President Obama. Even the governor is upset; why do you think he vacations in Argentina.

The Jersey City school district will require kids to sanitize their hands many times a day. You know teachers don’t want to catch any diseases…

The Jersey City school district will require kids to sanitize their hands many times a day. No news yet about sanitizing New Jersey.

A team of scientists at the University of California, Riverside has found that even second-hand tobacco smoke exposure can result in liver disease. So I should be ok if I don’t drink next to a smoker then.

A new study in the UK has found that the average woman spends about 416 hours of her life digging through her purse searching for her keys, but only seconds to find their pepper spray. And I know that out of experience.

The number of teens on social networking sites dropped for the first time ever. But thanks to the cash for clunkers program most pervs bought new vans so they can meet them at the parks.

A travel company for single people is organizing the first-ever international cougar cruise. It is perfect for ladies who have a taste for 18-year-old meat, both at the buffet and on the lido deck.

President Obama called Kanye West a jackass. But you know that the jerk of Kanye is going to sample Obama, use it in his next song and make a fortune out of it.

September 15th 2009

The world continues to react to Kanye West's disruption of Taylor Swift. And today, President Bush said Kanye doesn't care about white people.

A snake with a single foot has been discovered in China. I didn’t know Heather Mills was vacationing there.

A snake with a single foot has been discovered in China. It is one of the most dangerous snakes: first it trips you, and then it bites you.

A snake with a single foot has been discovered in China. Perfect, it already comes with the shape of the shoe.

Osama bin Laden issued a new audio tape. It was immediately interrupted by Kanye claiming that Beyonce’s tape is way better.

Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden issued an apparently new audiotape on an Islamist website on Monday. Actually, it is the same old tape, but like with the Beatles, it is the re-mastered version.

Harrison Ford is going to make an "Indiana Jones 5". This time Indiana Jones has the most difficult crusade; he has to fight the Death Panels.

Harrison Ford is going to make an "Indiana Jones 5". The title: “Indiana Jones and The Raiders of the Lost 401K”

Ichiro Susuki reached again 200 hits this season. Even Chris Brown was envious.

President Obama and Bill Clinton had lunch yesterday at a small restaurant in New York City. Obama had fish, pasta and salad, and Bill two waitresses.

Serena Williams issued an apology; unfortunately, she was interrupted by Kanye West saying that Joe Wilson had a way better apology.

Serena Williams issued an apology for her outburst at the US Open. She also promised to change her name from Serena to Rage Williams.

A drug now used to treat cancer may also be able to improve the memory in patients with Alzheimer's. Like I want to remember I have cancer…

Scientists predict artificial intelligence will surpass human intelligence after 2020. Or, it already did it long time ago if you are talking about Jessica Simpson’s.

A 107-year-old Malaysian woman says she is ready to marry for the 23rd time. And today Ashton Kutchner asked for her phone number.

Three NFL players agreed to donate their brains after death to a Boston University medical school program that studies sports brain injuries. Apparently, the doctors want to study brains that have never been used.

Three NFL players agreed to donate their brains after death to a Boston University medical school program that studies sports brain injuries. This is not new; Terrel Owens, PLaxico and Michael Vick donated theirs long time ago.

An 11-year-old faked his own kidnapping to avoid bringing home a bad report card. His parents suspected he was lying when he said the dog kidnapped him.

September 14th 2009

Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden issued an apparently new audiotape on an Islamist website on Monday. He had some comments about the Obama administration but mostly he released the tape to say Kanye West is an ass.

Obama was on TV on Thursday, Sunday and today trying to sell his health care plan to America. I don’t know if he is going to accomplish anything, but at least he is making America forget Billy Mays.

President Obama appeared on "60 Minutes" last night. It got a little awkward when he had to reasure Andy Rooney that the death panels were not coming for him.

President Barack Obama has approved plans for the US to start direct talks with North Korea and Iran, the infamous Axis Of Evil. In fact Obama said that his administration has a new Axis of Evil: Glen Beck, Cheney and Joe Wilson.

A bartender at a bar in Chicago turned 97 last week. His signature drink is the prune juice martini or Metamucil mojito.

A bartender at a bar in Chicago turned 97 last week. All his martinis are shaken, but just because of the multiple sclerosis.

Tests determined that South African runner Caster Semenya is a hermaphrodite and her male organs are on the inside. So is Paris Hilton a hermaphrodite too, because she has male organs on the inside most of the time?

An Arkansas couple who gave birth to a baby on 9-9-09 had also given birth to another baby on 8-8-08. Unfortunately, the entire family is doomed in the hands of the baby they gave birth on 6-6-06.

Osama bin Laden issued new audio tape. It was immediately interrupted by Kanye claiming that Beyonce’s tape is way better.

The oldest person in the world, who lived on a steady diet of crispy bacon, fried chicken and ice cream, died Friday at the age of 115. You see, it is true, bacon and fried food ends up killing you.

The oldest person in the world, who lived on a steady diet of crispy bacon, fried chicken and ice cream, died Friday at the age of 115. Ironically, she choked on a carrot.

The oldest person in the world, who lived on a steady diet of crispy bacon, fried chicken and ice cream, died Friday at the age of 115. She was a couple of years short of being considered old enough to join 60 minutes.

The oldest person in the world died Friday at the age of 115. Another oldest person died? That title is cursed!

A Chinese woman paid almost $600,000 for what is considered now the most expensive dog in the world. Well that if you don’t consider the dogs they sell outside Yankee stadium.

A Chinese woman paid almost $600,000 for what is considered now the most expensive dog in the world. This dog is so spoiled it has other people wagging its tail for him when it is happy and attacking the postman.

A Chinese woman paid almost $600,000 for what is considered now the most expensive dog in the world… and the most expensive meal at the same time.

Rodney King beat an ex-cop at a celebrity match held at the Philadelphia Airport Ramada Inn. Phiiiuuuu… I’m happy Rodney won this time; LA is broke, and they can’t afford another riot.

Rodney King beat an ex-cop at a celebrity match held at the Philadelphia Airport Ramada Inn. Unfortunately, the cops won the tie breaker because when Rodney left the casino and made an illegal U-turn they beat him up.

A man was detained at a grocery store in Florida with three pounds of bacon in his pants. He is not that crazy, bacon always goes well with eggs.

A man was detained at a grocery store in Florida with three pounds of bacon in his pants. Amateur! If he wanted to hide the pork, he should have consulted a politician.

Michael Jackson left 20% of his estate to charity. To Tito, LaToya, Jermaine…

A Louisville sex offender was ordained as a minister on Sunday. He wanted to become a priest but he knew the competition would be too much there.

A couple is selling the house next door to the first family's home in Chicago. If you become Obama’s neighbor, don’t ever ask to borrow some tools, because he’ll lend you Biden and the rest of his cabinet.

Tens of thousands of conservative people protested outside U.S. Capitol on Saturday about the health care plan and taxes. Do they really think there’s going to be a congressman working on Saturday at the US capitol? If they really want congressmen to hear them, they should either go to the bars in the area, or maybe even some motels.

September 11th 2009

Tons of jokes for Friday leftover....if you want to say hi, give me suggestions, or comments, e-mail me at pedrobartes@hotmail.com have a great weekend.
Pedro

Gender tests have determined South African sprinter Caster Semenya to be a hermaphrodite. It is going to be tough… for her boyfriend when he has to explain it to his friends.

Gender tests have determined South African sprinter Caster Semenya to be a hermaphrodite. Apparently she has male genitalia and a brain.

Gender tests have determined South African sprinter Caster Semenya to be a hermaphrodite. She has three times the testosterone of a "normal" woman and five times as much as Ryan Seacrest.

Congressman Joe Wilson issued a statement explaining his behavior during Obama’s speech and said that he "let his emotions get the best of him.” To what Obama replied “You lie!”

Congressman Joe Wilson screamed “You lie” during Obama’s speech in congress. It shocked everybody so much that even Pelosi showed some emotion on her face.

Republicans are saying that Democrats seem to forget that Bush was sometimes booed when giving the State of the Union Address. Frankly it is not the same, because the boos came from Laura and her two daughters.

US President Barack Obama led a moment of silence today to mark the eighth anniversary of 9/11. Unfortunately it was interrupted by the screams of congressman Joe Wilson.....

According to a new study, a moderate amount of drinking may prevent Alzheimer's disease. Bummer! Because I usually drink to forget.

According to a new study, a moderate amount of drinking may prevent Alzheimer's disease. I don’t know if I want to remember how I ended up in bed with this ugly woman.

Main Line Animal Rescue will donate five bags of dog food to a local every time Michael Vick is tackled in the game on Oct. 26. Unfortunately, the Korean restaurant in the corner will offer free meals every time Vick connects a pass.

Main Line Animal Rescue will donate five bags of dog food to a local every time Michael Vick is tackled in the game on Oct. 26. If they really want to help dogs, why don’t they choose Bret Favre? Because if they will donate dog food every time he’ll get tackled, they will end up feeding every little hungry dog in the country.

Scientists have now levitated mice using magnetic fields. Exactly what we needed, now we have to buy rat zappers!

Scientists have now levitated mice using magnetic fields. Just in case I’m giving my cat Red Bull, so he can get some wings.

Nine women in Turkey have been rescued after being tricked into believing they were reality show contestants. They suspected it was fake because none of them were required to have STD’s.

The Space shuttle Discovery might have to land in California and then be transported to Florida to the cost of almost $2 million. And that just the charge for the astronauts’ bags…

September 10th 2009

George W. Bush was named the Worst Mangler of the English Language by a group in the UK called the Plain English Campaign. Bush said that the news happied him a lot.

A 350 pounds man got stranded in Las Vegas because Southwest Airlines told him he was too fat to fly. It made everybody uncomfortable, except for the guy that was going to sit next to him on the plane.

Nicole Richie gave birth to a baby boy. Only 4 lbs… That’s Nicole… the baby was close to 6 lbs.

Dina Lohan disputed TMZ's claim that she's "the world's worst mother". “I wish my two daughters were sober to back me up,” she added.

Ellen DeGeneres will replace Paula Abdul on "American Idol". It was Ryan’s choice; he was tired of fighting with Paula over the makeup, and he won’t have that problem with Ellen.

Ellen DeGeneres will replace Paula Abdul on "American Idol". So it is official; among all the judges Simon has the biggest rack.

Congressman Joe Wilson yelled out "you lie” during President Obama's speech last night. Republicans didn’t want their kids to hear Obama, so why did they let Wilson attend the speech?

The University of Wyoming is naming a new center for international students after Dick Cheney. It is official; the international students will have the cruelest hazing of the entire University.

Democrats say that the GOP is simply the party of NO. Ironically, Republicans said “No, no, no; that's not true!”

During his speech to the kids, Obama said that sleeping is very important, and then he passed the microphone to Biden.

Steve Jobs said his organ donor dies in a car crash. Ironically he had the accident trying to avoid running into a kid that was crossing the street listening to an i-Pod

A girl with no arms or legs just moved away from home to start school at Tulane University. She had one arm and one leg, but she lost the other limbs when she started paying tuition.

President Obama got heckled by Representative Wilson during his speech last night. I don’t the president is going to organize a beer summit with the congressman, we already saw what Wilson does when he is drunk

Congressman Joe Wilson yelled out "you lie” during President Obama's speech last night. Republicans didn’t want their kids to hear Obama, so why did they let Wilson attend the speech?

The University of Wyoming is naming a new center for international students after Dick Cheney. Students were mad, especially with the idea of calling it GITMO.

September 9th 2009

A White House panel of independent space experts says NASA's return-to-the-moon plan won’t happen because of the lack of money. We are so broke we can’t buy a cheap camera and fake a moon landing?

A White House panel of independent space experts says NASA's return-to-the-moon plan won’t happen because of the lack of money. So if we want to see a place full of craters and with no sign of life we should just go to Detroit.

The prices of graves near Michael Jackson’s tomb are already going up. Which proves that he was mostly white.

The prices of graves near Michael Jackson’s tomb are already going up. Because if you want eternal peace and tranquility, there’s no better place than next to Michael’s grave; kids don’t dare get close.

Laura Bush praised Obama’s speech to the kids. Because if some president had done the same when her husband was in school, he might have studied a little.

The opening bid to have dinner with Sarah Palin as part of a charity auction is $25,000. But so far they can’t find anybody that would take money to work as a food taster for her.

Biologists discovered 16 frogs which have never before been recorded by science… or as Pepsi calls them, new inventive flavors.

A man in Phoenix is avoiding paying photo radar tickets by wearing a monkey mask. This is not a novelty; Batman has been doing this for years.

A man in Phoenix is avoiding paying photo radar tickets by wearing a monkey mask. Bubble is pissed because now cops want him to pay the fines.

The new Leno show might have to compete with CSI. There’s not much difference; during the Leno show, investigators will look for traces of humor.

A burglar in Ohio was arrested when he returned to the house he just robbed to ask the owner out on a date. It makes sense; he finally got some money to ask her out.

Rambo will fight some kind of a monster in his next movie. Rumors have it, it is his enlarged prostate.

Fox didn’t carry Obama’s speech tonight and instead broadcast the show Glee, which is the average Fox viewer’s feeling when they don’t get to see Obama.

According to a new study from the University of Wellington in New Zealand, 4 out 5 men look at a woman’s breast first when talking to one. The other one pickpockets the other 4 guys while they are looking at a woman’s breasts.

According a professor from a Mexican University, money doesn’t buy happiness… But it buys lots of happy endings!

September 8th 2009

To all the high school kids in America with Republican parents, if you want to have fun today, when you get home back from school, act like a zombie repeating the words hope, change, and Lennin. Believe me; you’ll have a lot of fun!

Obama’s speech to schoolchildren encourages them to work hard, stay in school and set clear goals. After all the stupid controversy, shouldn’t that speech be more appropriate for some of the Republican parents?

A New York man is donating his 320th pint of blood this week. Unfortunately, he is probably dying of diabetes with all the cookies he’s had.

A New York man is donating his 320th pint of blood this week. Bill Clinton has done it with sperm and nobody is making a big deal of it.

Susan Boyle will be covering a Madonna song on her upcoming debut album. Rumors have it the song will be “Like a Virgin…”

Scientists believe that tick saliva could be used as a cancer cure. So no referee of any sport in the world will never suffer from cancer.

Scientists believe that tick saliva could be used as a cancer cure. And to collect some samples, they sent Bush’s double to the street to say hi to people.

According to the media, French president Nicolas Sarkozy puts short people behind him during speeches to look taller. An old strategy… Obama usually has white people behind him so he looks blacker.

According to the media, French president Nicolas Sarkozy puts short people behind him during speeches to look taller. An old strategy… Obama usually has Biden behind him so he looks smarter.

Wednesday is the official release day of The Beatles RockBand game. The game has different levels easy, intermediate and surviving Yoko

Wednesday is the official release day of The Beatles RockBand game. The game has different levels: advanced, intermediate and extremely easy if you choose to be Ringo.

During the Jerry Lewis telethon, Charro butchered a Rhianna song. Don’t pretend you didn’t wish Chris Brown was there.

Lindsay Lohan was photographed recently in a shirt that read “Just Say No to Drugs. Apparetly the rest of the slogan read “and please give them to me….”

Tasmanian scientists have cloned what is believed to be the world's oldest living organism. Anderson Cooper is mad, because now with two Larry Kings alive he’ll never get to host that show.

September 7th 2009

Happy Labor Day or as 10% of the country calls it: Monday….

Rep. Michele Bachmann said Democrats are sabotaging her because they don’t want her to become the first female president. And by sabotaging she means they are letting her talk.

Scientists predict the human brain can be replicated in 10 years, or 10 days if you’re trying with Jessica Simpson’s.

Japan wants to start paying parents $3,400 a year per child to boost Japan’s birth rate. And today Octomom started taking Japanese lessons.

Japan wants to start paying parents $3,400 a year per child until they reach high school to boost Japan’s birth rate. We can’t do the same in certain parts of the US, because the government would have to pay those kids for the rest of their lives.

Japan wants to start paying parents $3,400 a year per child to boost Japan’s birth rate. I’m just looking at my useless kids, and it would feel like the cash for clunkers program.

Psychologists have found that men with the highest IQ also have the healthiest sperm. As a matter of fact Stephen Hawking’s sperm is so strong; he has it pushing his wheelchair.

Levy Johnston says that Sarah and Todd Palin slept in separate rooms. So that Todd must have a tremendous aim to make 5 kids with her.

The Demolition-derby – driver association is complaining because they don’t have enough cars to destroy after Cash for Clunkers program got rid of most of them. They shouldn’t worry; those who bought GM might have their cars ready to be destroyed in a couple of months.

According to a research, peak usage of the Internet has changed from daylight hours, to 11. p.m. Well, now that most people don’t have jobs, they cannot surface for porn during work hours.

Republicans are mad because Obama is going to address nation’s classrooms next week.. Obama is willing to compromise and to please conservative parents he is going to take some time to read the kids “My Pet Goat.”

Republican parents across the country are afraid president Obama will try to indoctrinate their children when he address them on Tuesday. So following what Fox News told them, they are not going to send their kids to school.

Republican parents across the country might not send their kids to school on Tuesday because they are afraid when Obama addresses them he will try to indoctrinate them with anti-capitalistic ideas. Unfortunately due to capitalism those kids this missed school might flip the burgers for those who went that day.

During a Town Hall meeting, an Obama supporter bit the finger off an Obama opponent. That was a big mistake, how can you fight for a new Health Care system, if the one we have now gives you such a great dental plan.

During a baseball game in Toronto, A-Rod accidentally grabbed a female cop when he goes for the ball. Didn’t he have enough already with Sarah Palin’s daughter?

The U.S. and Cuba are starting talks about starting up direct mail. Cubans would love to get letters from family in the US, there’s nothing they love the most that fresh, new paper to wipe.

The U.S. and Cuba are starting talks about starting up direct mail. Sending a letter to Cuba is easy, but getting one back takes a long time usually deliver in an old car, rowed by the entire family, and the Cuban mailman doesn’t have to fight a dog, but a shark.

September 3rd 2009

According to economists the sales of men’s underwear is a good indicator of how the economy is going. Men don’t buy any; they are getting screw so often, what’s the point of having to take them off all the time.

The city of Mt Vernon will award the key of the city to Glen Beck. He is already planning on making copies only to the White Residents, kicking the blacks out and then locking the door.

According to a recent study, Russia is the country with the most alcoholics. Wouldn’t you be one if your neighbors are the Palin’s family?

An FDA test shows that either a frog or a toad was in a Florida man's soda can. Apparently the ideas was that when you kiss the frog, the Pepsi turns into Coke.

An FDA test shows that either a frog or a toad was in a Florida man's soda can. It is a great idea because when you have a blind tasting; people instinctively tend to choose the can that moves.

Ben and Jerry's has changed the name of one of its best-selling ice creams to Hubby Hubby, in celebration of the legalization of gay marriage in its home state of Vermont. People already complained that it has too many nuts in it.

Ben and Jerry's has changed the name of one of its best-selling ice creams to Hubby Hubby, in celebration of the legalization of gay marriage in its home state of Vermont. They are going to sell like crazy, apparently it tastes like ass.

The Capitol switched its on-hold telephone music back to patriot tunes Tuesday after a three-week experiment with smooth jazz generated some complaints. You see even Republicans are against torture when it comes to listening to Kenny G.

Police in Louisiana arrested a woman accused of stealing a 12-pack of beer by hiding it between her legs. Not impressive, I bet you Paris Hilton can hide a keg there.

A new book brought out by the Church invites couples to recite a Making-love- prayer. comes in handy; when you do it with your wife sometimes you need to pray your junk will work.

Chris Brown will have to wash cars as part of his sentence. It is not a big deal, he has a lot of practice removing the blood of the one he drove the night he beat Rhianna.

A new book brought out by the Church invites couples to recite a Making-love- prayer. Before making love I usually pray my wife doesn’t catch me.

The Honolulu City Council is considering a fine of $500 or jail time for riding a city bus with B.O. We can save the economy if we do the same with taxis in New York.

A study shows that men perform less well in tests designed to measure brain function when they are talking to a hot woman. Scientists should mention the activity in the other men’s heads.

September 2nd 2009

A teen from Tennessee cries blood up to three times a day. Not a big deal, I bleed out of my ears every time my girlfriend plays Lady Gaga.

A teen from Tennessee cries blood up to three times a day. What, did he also see Wendy Williams naked?

Sarah Palin announced that she’ll be giving a speech in Hong Kong. She also said she can’t wait to meet the king, the king of Kong.

U.S. Rep. Michele Bachmann told a crowd that they have to slit their wrists, and be blood brothers against the health care reform. First time I agree with you Michelle, go ahead with the wrist thing.

U.S. Rep. Michele Bachmann told a crowd that they have to slit their wrists, and be blood brothers against the health care reform. The only problem is after you slit your wrist and you get the medical bill, you are going to want to slit them again.

The oldest dog died. Its heart was too weak to handle the release of Michael Vick.

Michelle Duggar is pregnant again and is expecting her 19th baby. The doctor said this time the delivery is going to be hard, it is going to be difficult to convince the kid to come out when there’s more room inside the womb than in a room with 20 other siblings.

An animal rights group took video of unwanted baby chicks being ground up alive at an egg hatchery in Iowa. So if you don’t know yet what to get Michael Vick for his birthday, there you go.

An animal rights group took video of unwanted baby chicks being ground up alive at an egg hatchery in Iowa. And just like that Sarah Palin found her place to launch her 2012 presidential campaign.

An animal rights group took video of unwanted baby chicks being ground up alive at an egg hatchery in Iowa. And now Gene Simmons wants to sue them for copyright infringement.

A new survey has found that the average woman is comfortable wearing miniskirts until the age of 40. Because after that, the boobs peek out under the skirt.

Whitney Houston struggled with her voice during her much-hyped comeback performance on "Good Morning America" Tuesday. She sabotaged her own performance; she’ll anything to avoid having another hit.

Whitney Houston struggled with her voice during her much-hyped comeback performance on "Good Morning America" Tuesday. We all know she’s been abusing her pipes.

September 1st 2009

Some states might consider changing to 4-day workweek. Because it has worked so well for Congress.

The teacher in Florida who was fired for having a side job as a "bikini" girl is now doing porno. Apparently she got into porno because she missed all the action she used to have as a teacher.

Today is the internet 40th birthday. Or just an excuse for Al Gore to have some cake.

Chris Brown told Larry King he doesn’t remember hitting Rhianna. Sad for him because that’s probably the last hit he’ll ever have in his career.

A dog in Australia had 1,000 magnets removed from its stomach. The owner realized there was something wrong with the dog when she found it stuck to a fire hydrant.

A dog in Australia had 1,000 magnets removed from its stomach. The owner realized there was something wrong with the dog when she found1,000 calendars all over the kitchen floor.

Michelle Duggar is pregnant again and is expecting her 19th baby. This time the doctor after the delivery, instead of slapping the baby is going to slap her and ask her to stop this insanity.

Sylvester Stallone will direct and star in a fifth chapter of the Rambo franchise. This time the old Rambo fights for his life against Obama’s death panels.

Sylvester Stallone will direct and star in a fifth chapter of the Rambo franchise. This time John Rambo used his arsenal to fight congress to get the approval of over-the-counter testosterone.

Sylvester Stallone will direct and star in a fifth chapter of the Rambo franchise. Things are a little bit different in the new movie: in Rambo I he had a big wound and sowed it himself; in this new Rambo he knits a sweater.

Nearly a third of all cocaine seized in the United States is laced with a dangerous veterinary medicine. Apparently drug dealers wanted to help Amy Winehouse kill some of the fleece she has.

12,397 citizens in Mexico City tried to set the world record for the most people dancing to Michael Jackson's "Thriller". But they definitely broke the record for most people in one square foot.

Donkeys at a town in Western Arizona are overweight because tourists keep feeding them. Now the town has attracted a great number of African Americans misled by the fact they hear the place is full of fat asses.