July 31st 2006

Mel Gibson
People in Hollywood are split when it comes to the fate of Mel Gibson’s career after his comments against Jews. Mel is much more optimistic and believes his career will resuscitate after 3 days.

Israel suspended air attacks on south Lebanon for 48 hours. According to Israeli officials the cease fire will give their military time to focus on their new enemy, Mel Gibson.

According to the media , before the police report circulated over the web, Mel Gibson had denied the arrest and claimed those handcuffs marks on his wrists were Stigmata.

Mel Gibson has been arrested for drunk driving in California. The arrest occurred right after Gibson left the set of his upcoming movie "Apocalypto" which, after Gibson’s tirade against Jews, could be an autobiography.

Mel Gibson has been arrested for drunk driving in California. While being led away, Gibson was heard saying, please don’t arrest me, you are crucifying me.

Michael More
Michael Moore said he gets lots of Republican hug. Well, you need a lot of republicans to be able to hug Michael Moore.

Michael Moore said that lately Republicans approach him and hug him. He also added that so far he is missing four wallets.

Foreign words
In a campaign to cut the use of foreign words, the Iranian president is changing foreign words like pizza and replacing it for others like "Elastic loaves". It seems they also have dominoes pizzas there.

Iran started a campaign to change foreign words. For example pizza will now be called "Elastic Loaves" and McDonalds "Elastic fat ass."

July 30th 2006

Mel Gibson
Actor Mel Gibson was arrested for driving under the influence when a breath test indicated Gibson's blood-alcohol level was way over the limit. Mel Gibson claimed that that is impossible because he had only had to chalis of wine.

Mel Gibson apologized for his erratic behavior after the Malibu police arrested him for drunk-driving. He said that this is all Jesus’s fault because he played a prank on him and changed the water he drunk into wine.

Tour of France
Floyd Lance, the Tour of France winner, tested positive for high levels of testosterone during the race and might be stripping off his title. Apparently when Ann Coulter heard the news she cancelled her participation for next year.

July 28th 2006

Floyd Landis
Tour de France winner Floyd Landis has been accused of doping. Apparently judges became suspicious when during Landi’s victory dance he started moving his hips like Shakira. I guess "Hips DO lie."

Tour de France champion Floyd Landis tested positive for high levels of testosterone. Now we know how he injured his hips.

Fire
A seven-year-old girl narrowly escaped death when a powerful lightning bolt struck her bedroom, burning her pajamas as she lay in bed. Fortunately Gary Glitter rushed to the house to put it out.

EXXON
Oil Company Exxon Mobil generated a second-quarter profit of more than $10 billion dollars. The company decided to celebrate giving away hundreds of SUV’s and Hummers.

Sport News.
ESPN baseball analyst Harold Reynolds was fired Tuesday for sexual harassment in the workplace. Apparently when explaining baseball he loved to show how to get to second base to his female co-workers.

Charles Barkley said he is considering a run for Alabama governor. The media was quite skeptical when they heard the words “Barkley” and “running” in the same sentence.

Wax
Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and their new baby now have their own display at Madame Tussauds wax museum in New York City. Apparently 200,000 candles were melted only to make Angelina’s lips.

North Korea
North Korean dictator Kim Jong II married his secretary. After the ceremony the couple was greeted with the traditional rice toss. Unfortunately that meant his people won’t be eating for a month.

July 27th 2006

Breaking News
Breaking News... judging by the violent and bloody situation in the Middle East, the bombs, the deaths, the global warming, the price of gas and the uncertain future of the world , it is confirmed "the devil was definitely born this past June 6th"

U.N post
A United Nations observer post was bombed during the Middle East Conflict. A U. N. Officer said that before Israel admitted the mistake, they thought the natural suspects were the Fox News Channel people.

Gay Clinton
Conservative pundit, Ann Coulter, said in an interview that she felt Bill Clinton has latent homosexual tendencies. Apparently she became suspicious one night when Bill hit on her.

Conservative pundit, Ann Coulter, said in an interview that she felt Bill Clinton has latent homosexual tendencies. Hillary admitted that Bill is in the closet, probably at this very moment and banging an intern.

Al- Maliki
Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki is visiting the United States to talk about the situation in Irak. The Prime Minister claimed he immediately felt at home in the US considering the insanely hot temperatures, the constant power outages and the violence in Washington .

During his speech to the U.S. Congress , Iraqi Prime Minister al-Maliki was heckled by a woman shouting for the troops to return home. According to security, the heckler penetrated the heavily fortified green zone.

During Maliki’s stay in the US, some reporters were curios about the content of a well secured briefcase he carries with him all the time. According to some insider, the Prime Minister hides a big juicy steak to bribe Saddam Hussein to return to Irak and take care of this mess.

It is so darn hot!!!
It is so hot even Ted Keneddy went to see the movie "Lady in the water"
It is so hot that teachers are only having sex with Eskimos students
It is so hot that John Kerry is not flip flopping just to avoid the sweat.
It is so hot that Peter Cook went to a toy store only for the air conditioning

July 26th 2006

Middle East
Condoleezza Rice flew to the Middle East and met with Lebanese, Israeli and Syrian diplomats all week to try to stop the war and bring peace to the region. It seems her visit was highly respected because everywhere she went she was welcomed with the twenty-one-rockets- salute.

Former Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon was rushed today to the intensive care unit. Apparently he got out of the coma but when he saw the mess the Middle East is in, he decided to go back to sleep again.

Some Hezbollah leaders claim that if Ariel Sharon was still the Israeli Prime Minister, they would have already reached a cease-fire. That is why they are gonna continue bombing the heck out of Israel hoping the noise would wake Sharon up.

Midterm Elections
Many Republican candidates for the upcoming mid-term elections are sending signs to the White house that they don’t want President Bush to campaign for them. This time the message seems to be serious because they even rejected the Bush impersonator.

President Bush is planning to help some Republican candidates raise money in the upcoming elections. Bush charges $10,000 dollars to take a picture with him, but you have to double that if you don’t want to be in the picture.

President Bush admitted that this past week was really tough, that he made an incredible amount of errors and that he understands and supports the boos of the people. Unfortunately he was talking about Alex Rodriguez.

Fruit Pickers
Congressmen that demanded tough immigration laws seem to be changing their rhetoric after they were informed that millions of Florida oranges could waste away due to a shortage of fruit pickers. Apparently they became really concerned about this issue when they realized they were not going to be able to drink screwdrivers.

Peter Cook
Peter Cook, Christy Brinkley’s husband, gave a press conference to apologize for his infidelity. Lots of magazines attended the press conference, even "National Science Magazine” was there, especially when they found out Cook cheated on his wife 2 dozen times and they thought they were in the presence of the next Albert Einstein.

Hidden Camera
A man is suing a company claiming that he found a video camera hidden in the ceiling of a sperm bank's donation room while he was making a donation. Unfortunately the guy that was donating in the other room had to stop too because the video he was watching went black all of a sudden.

Bob Dole
During a ceremony in Capitol Hill in which Bob Dole’s official portrait was unveiled, the former senator commented that some of his colleagues have been waiting for years to nail him to the wall. Actually after Dole’s Viagra endorsement they were afraid Dole was going to do all the nailing.....

Cow Disease
Experts say that sleeping in close quarters with cows and other livestock may reduce your risk of getting Mad Cow disease because the insects will bite the cows instead of you. Scientists now understand why anyone would marry Star Jones.

July 25th 2006

Myspace
The U.S. Marine Corps is using the Myspace site to recruit new marines. Apparently they have run into some problems because they have been recruiting people based on their profiles and instead of getting males and females aged 18 they are only getting 50 year old horny guys.

The U.S. Marine Corps is using the Myspace site to recruit new marines. I hope they don’t recruit Tom , he is the only friend I got.

Tour of France
Floyd Landis, the winner in the Tour of France thanked the millions of Americans that celebrated his victory this Monday by riding their bicycles. He just didn’t know the price of gas went up again and those were people going to work.

Middle East
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said Tuesday the time has come for a new Middle East. The Bush administration is hoping this war destroys the old Middle East and Halliburton is put in charge of building it again.

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice traveled to the middle East to hold meetings with the Lebanese and the Israeli Prime Minister. Apparently she is putting to practice the new Bush’s strategy for world diplomacy and offered massages to both of them.

Katie
Katie Couric, future CBS anchor, told Access Hollywood this week she wouldn’t go to any war zone to cover a conflict. Access Hollywood was forced to clarify that Couric didn’t mean the Middle East but the set of "The View"

Oprah
Oprah Winfrey denied rumors that she and her best friend Gayle King are gay lovers. Unfortunately reporters were quite skeptical as Oprah made those comments during a WNBA game.

Bush
President Bush admitted that this past week was really tough, that he made an incredible amount of errors and understand and support the boos of the people. Unfortunately he was talking about Alex Rodriguez.

It is so hot
It is so hot illegal immigrants are waiting to be picked up in front of an ice cream parlor instead of Home Depot..
It is so hot that Americans are riding North Korean missiles just to hit the water.
It is so hot Christy Brinkley’s husband is giving boats to his mistresses instead of cars.

July 24th 2006

Child Stars
Former child star Haley Joel Osment, the star of the movie The Sixth Sense, lost control of his car and run into two other cars that were parked in the area, apparently while driving under the effect of alcohol. Doctors predict that if he continues driving and drinking he will really see dead people.

Former child star Macaulay Culkin, narrowly escaped from Israel after their vacation was ruined by rocket fire from Lebanon. Apparently the famous actor travels often to Jerusalem because that is the only place where he can get the best Jesus Juice.

Weird Fish
A fisherman in Texas caught a fish that has human-like teeth. Experts studied the fish and its crooked, yellow teeth and determined that this rare species must have come swimming from England.

American Idol
President Bush plans to host "American Idol" Taylor Hicks next Friday in the Oval Office. Apparently Bush wants to know if he can use Taylor's Soul Patrol to protect the border with Mexico.

Power Outage
The cause of the power outage that left more than a 100,000 people in New York city without electricity for six days is still unknown. Suspiciously the city has been flooded with several Halliburton Ice cream trucks.

Middle East
According to the The Jerusalem Post, Hezbollah terrorists are running out of rockets. The Israeli army came to that conclusion when they saw some Hezbollah members diving in the water to try to rescue the North Korean missiles.

Due to the conflict in the Middle East, gas prices have reached an all time high. The price of oil is so high, Israel is launching Hybrid Missiles.

Cruel Sign
A family in Utah was forced to remove a cruel piece of cardboard hanging in a tree with the words "Caution, Retards in Area" because they said their neighbor's mentally challenge kid has been harassing them for six months. Apparently some people in Washington DC are bidding to buy the sign and post it near Congress.

It is so hot that.....
It is so hot out there that they are now shooting the movie "Snakes on a Boat".
It is so hot that I went to a strip bar in Seattle and I was very happy strippers were forced to be 4 ft. away from me.
It is so hot I went to Deja Vu and I took my clothes off.
It is so hot out there I sweated more than Bush trying to explain to Laura the massage to the German Chancellor
It is so hot out there the Lady is in the Water.

July 23rd 2006

American Idol
President Bush plans to host "American Idol" Taylor Hicks next Friday in the Oval Office. Apparently Bush wants to know if he can use Taylor's Soul Patrol to protect the border with Mexico.

Weird Fish
A fisherman in Texas caught a fish that has human-like teeth. Experts studied the fish and its crooked, yellow teeth and determined that this rare species must have come swimming from England

July 21st 2006

NAACP
After declining invitations for five years in a row, President Bush delivered his first address to the annual NAACP convention. When he was leaving the convention he was asked about the situation in the Middle East and he responded that we should get Syria to get Hizbollah to stop doing "Da Shiznit"

During Bush’s speech at the NAACP convention, the president said that he once stood at the balcony that is so significant for African Americans. Unfortunately he was not referring to the balcony at the Lorraine Motel where Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. was murdered but the balcony where Michael Jackson dangled his baby.

Bush denied that he went to the NAACP convention to make up for the fact that FEMA had a late response with the black community during the Katrina disaster. Unfortunately Bush also arrived late to the convention.

Security was extremely tight at the NAACP convention. A metal detector was set up at the door and according to security hundred of firearms were confiscated and those were only from Dick Chenney.

Stem Cell
The liberal media blasted President Bush because they considered that Bush invited the Snowflake babies to the veto of the stem cell research bill to look good on the photos and to present only one side of the story of the embryos’ use. Bush claimed he also invited paraplegics to represent the other side, but they didn’t arrive in time.

During the meeting in which Bush vetoed the funding of stem cell research, Bush was surrounded by several Snowflake babies. He made it clear it wasn't just for the photo he invited the Snowflake babies, but rather because it was really hot inside the White House.

Minuteman
A growing number of volunteers for Minuteman Civil Defense Corps are questioning the whereabouts of hundreds of thousands of dollars that where donated to the group. According to the Minuteman president they had to use all the money because it cost them a fortune to hire Americans who want to mow their lawn and cook for them.

Drivers on the Phone
According to a study 86% of people in California drive their cars while talking on the cell phone. The study determined that they use the phone to brag with their friends that they can afford the gas to drive their cars.

Dakota Fanning
Young actress Dakota Fanning is starring in a movie about a young girl who is abused. The movie contained scenes that show her only in underpants. The release of the movie is unknown yet but Gary Glitter is already lining up outside a theater nearby.

July 20th 2006

NAACP
After declining invitations for five years in a row President Bush delivered his first address to the annual NAACP convention. When he was leaving the convention he was asked about the situation in the Middle East and he responded that we should get Syria to get Hizbollah to stop doing "Da Shiznit"
Stem Cell
President Bush cast his first veto to block legislation to expand embryonic stem cell research. According to the president there’s no need for further research because we already found a new Superman.

Democrats plan to fund ads on the issue of stem cell research to be used as part of their campaign for the midterm elections. The ads show that Democrats, unlike President Bush, support science and as an example the ads claim Clinton has had as many mistresses as Albert Einstein.

President Bush vetoed the funding for the embryonic stem cell research because the bill would support the taking of innocent human lives. He added that he’d rather use that money to fund the war in Iraq.

During the meeting in which Bush vetoed the funding of stem cell research, Bush was surrounded by several Snowflake babies. He made it clear it wasn't just for the photo he invited the Snowflake babies but because it was really hot inside the White House.

Massage to Germany's Chancellor
Scientists are really frustrated by this veto because they claim that the research of embryonic stem cells could bring cures for a range of chronic ailments, from Parkinson's disease to paralysis. Bush responded that there’s nothing a good massage cannot cure.

Everybody is still talking about the photos of Bush giving Germany's chancellor a massage during the G8 Summit. When Tony Snow was asked about it, he said this is part of the new Bush’s strategy for the tension in the Middle East: "Make love, no war."

Middle East
A great number of people in the media, as well as in the political arena, see the war in the Middle East as the beginning of the World War III. Just in case France surrendered.

Yahoo
Yesterday, Yahoo's stock price plunged by nearly 22 percent. The company has come up with a strategy to pump up its ratings and has declared war to Iran.

Yesterday, Yahoo's stock price plunged by nearly 22 percent. Now when you use its searcher and type the phrase "plunging faster than Paris Hilton’s underwear" you don’t get porn, you get the Yahoo company address.

July 19th 2006

Evacuation from the Lebanon
Americans who boarded a luxury ship to be evacuated from the Lebanon were asked to sign promissory notes to repay on their arrival. The notes were distributed by crew members with elegant uniforms with the Hallibuton logo.

The State Department said it had dropped a plan to make American evacuees reimburse the government for the trip. The cruise ship will not head to Cyprus though, but Iraq instead, where they will be given ammunition and asked to stay there for a long while.

Blair’s Bush’s poodle
The British media is quite disappointed with Tony Blair's performance during the G8 summit and is saying that Blair behaves like Bush's poodle. During the summit Bush denied those allegations and then patted Blair on the head for bringing him the New York Times all chewed up and torn.

The British media is saying that Tony Blair behaves like he was Bush’s poodles. The Bush administration denied those comments and claimed that actually Blair is the one the usually scoops up Bush’s doo-doo.

Massage to Chancellor
Democrats are raving about a video where you can see Bush giving Germany's chancellor a massage during the G8 Summit. They claim that in any American workplace that would be considered sexual harassment. Republicans alleged that Bush doesn’t know what sexual harassment is because he has never had a job.

Photos of Bush giving Germany's chancellor, Angela Merkel, a massage during the G8 Summit has been circulating over the internet. Experts analyzed the pictures to see if they were fake and arrived to the conclusion that the name on the Viagra container Rush Limbaugh had was Bush’s.

Democrats accused Bush of misrepresenting the country for his behavior during the G8 summit, particularly for the use of foul language and groping of the German Chancellor. Bush attempted a defense but made it even worse by saying that the Chancellor was the pig he said he couldn’t wait to put his hands on during a press conference

Former president Bill Clinton gave a press conference where he congratulated Bush for his actions during the G8 Summit, specially the use of colorful language and the groping of the German Chancellor.

New York Times
The Right wing media sees a conspiracy in the reduction of the New York Times’ pages which will narrow their width to 12 inches. They claim the paper is doing this on purpose so it won’t be big enough to wipe their asses with.

Heat Wave
It is so hot out there Bush was talking and dropping s.... bombs with the mouth full of ice cream.
It is so hot out there that Americans go to the border with Mexico to get the breeze from illegals crossing.
It is so hot out there that Oprah Winfrey and her friend Gayle are not walking hand in hand.

July 18th 2006

Bush and Blair
During the G8 summit, a live microphone caught President Bush dropping an S- bomb while talking to Tony Blair. This is the first time though that Fox News didn’t run 24 hours reports on a bomb dropped by President Bush.

The violence in the Middle East is getting more and more intense and spreading fast to some parts of Europe. You could even hear the bombs coming from Bush’s table at the G8 summit

In a chat with Prime Minister Tony Blair at the G8 summit, President Bush was unaware a microphone was on and was caught using colorful language. It has been decided that from now onwards and to avoid future fines all of Bush’s lunches will be broadcast only in Satellite radio.

Stem Cell Research
The Senate is working on a bill to expand federal funding of embryonic stem cell research. This makes sense because most of the senators have no spines and might need to replace their livers.

Vote and win
The state of Arizona is working on a plan to turn elections into lotteries by randomly selecting one voter per election to receive $1 million. The offer is so tempting even dead people might vote.

Adolph Hitler
A signed photograph of Adolph Hitler was found hidden in an Art Gallery and Museum in Scotland during a recent refurbishment. Nazi’s fans are already bidding money for the picture which value is estimated at half the price of any autographed photograph of Ann Coulter.

Discovery
After the safe landing of the shuttle Discovery, more and more people agreed the shuttle looks old and it is time for NASA to retire it. NASA officials claim their budget won’t allow them to do that yet, but they are thinking of taking the Discovery to MTV to see if at least they can get it pimped up.

The shuttle Discovery and its crew of six had a very long and difficult landing yesterday, no technical problem was reported though, but apparently it was hard to convince the astronauts to want to return to earth after they saw everything that’s going on here from outer space.

Lieberman
According to journalists, this has been one of the most violent, bloodiest, salvages wars they have ever witnessed.... Well enough about Lieberman and the Democratic elections in Connecticut.

Senator Joseph Lieberman said that if he looses the primary elections in the Democratic Party, he is considering CUTTING ties with the Democrats and RUNNING as an independent. Is that the famous CUT and RUN that Republicans talk so much about?

Most parts of the States are is being hit with a scorching heat wave:
It is so hot out there that people are traveling to the Middle East only to catch the breeze of the rockets.
It is so hot out there that people are hanging out with Jennifer Lopez only to get some shade from her booty.
It is so hot out there that even Kevin Fetherline is sweating.
It is so hot out there that Bill would rather stay home with Hillary.
It is so hot out there that Michael Jackson’s Jesus juice is made of Margaritas now.

Bush and Blair
In a chat with Prime Minister Tony Blair at the G8 summit, President Bush was caught using colorful language. It has been decided that from now onwards and to avoid any fines, all of Bush’s lunches will be broadcast only in Satellite radio.

Adolph Hitler
A signed photograph of Adolph Hitler was found hidden in an Art Gallery and Museum in Scotland during a recent refurbishment. Nazi’s fans are already bidding money for the picture which value is estimated at half price of any signed photograph of Ann Coulter.

July 17th 2006

Bush
During a press conference President Bush said he was confident the Republican Party was going to win the Mid-term elections, until somebody explained to him that those red states in the map where not gained Republicans states but the fire spreading throughout California and Arizona.

It took a while but we finally realized that Bush’s policies in the Middle East are a hit..... A rocket hit in Israel, a rocket hit in the Lebanon, a hit on the train of India.....

Shuttle Discovery
The space shuttle Discovery could be landing this Monday unless the bad weather persists. That would force the shuttle to try to do it on Tuesday. Other people in NASA believed though that with the price of gas so high even if there’s a hailstorm the Discovery is getting its ass on land this Monday.

OZZY
There was a fire at Ozzy Osbourne’s country mansion in England and some of his valuable possessions were lost in the fire. Firefighters claimed they would have gotten to the house faster and saved everything inside but it took them 2 hours to understand Ozzy on the phone trying to tell them about the fire.

News
According to a new study, news becomes "old" after just 36 hours on the Internet, especially because every 5 minutes there’s someone else reporting some other lie in another blog.

July 16th 2006

Coors
Beer-brewing magnate and former U.S. Senate candidate Peter Coors was arrested for drunk driving . According to political analysts this is a clear sign Coors is interested in running again as a senator.

Beer-brewing magnate and former U.S. Senate candidate Peter Coors was arrested for drunk driving. Apparently Peter Coors claimed that the alcohol in his blood wasnt his but belonged to Patrick Kennedy.

Barry Bonds
According to the press, Barry Bonds is being investigated by the grand jury for tax evasion. So instead of being indicted to the Hall of Fame, he could be indicted and end up swiping the Hall in the Pen.

According to the press, Barry Bonds is being investigated by the grand jury for tax evasion. Can you imagine the lines of inmates willing to stick syringes in his butt?

July 14th 2006

Geneva Convention
According to Bill O’ Reilly the Geneva Convention is wrong in considering torture things like: keeping the prisoners up for 48 hours and making them disoriented, playing loud rap music to them, having female interrogators snapping their undergarments. I happen to agree with Bill that is not torture; that is a hell of a party.

Soup Nazi
The man who inspired the militant SEINFELD character THE SOUP NAZI is opening 50 new restaurants in Britain. I don’t know if he’ll be successful there, but the Soup Nazi will definitely be welcomed in France.

Old baseball player
An 83-year-old man has been declared the oldest person ever to bat in a professional baseball game when he batted in a minor league baseball game in South Dakota. (Like a broadcaster) - Swing and a miss.... his denture!!!!!!!

Kinky teacher
A former Michigan middle school band teacher admitted Thursday that she had sexual contact with six male students. Apparently everybody got laid in the band but the drummer.

Bush on tour
During his visit to Russia, president Bush and his wife pay respects at a monument honoring more than half a million people that died of hunger defending Leningrad. While there, Bush commented to his wife what a great business opportunity for Mc Donald that would have been.

Einstein
Albert Einstein's love letters to his mistresses were released Wednesday. According to the letters, while being married, Einstein had numerous affairs with all sort of women but it seems he wasn’t very fond of Japanese women though.

Entertainment
Oscar winner, Jamie Fox, was accused of a diva-like behavior during the shooting of Miami Vice because while filming in the Dominican Republic he heard some shooting near the set and demanded to return to the states immediately. Isn’t he the same guy that attends the BET rap awards and hangs around with 50 cents?

One More July 13th

Ken Lay
During Ken Lay's memorial service a Reverend compared Ken Lay with Jesus Christ. There's some true in that because Ken Lay probably resuscitated 3 days later in a Caribbean Island.

July 13 th 2006

Bush Visits Germany
Before heading to this weekend's G8 summit in Russia, President Bush will visit Germany to meet the German Chancellor. Apparently the most important thing in Bush's agenda is to apologize for the deplorable US Soccer team performance during the World Cup.

Before heading to this weekend's G8 summit in Russia, President Bush will visit what used to be Communist East Germany. Apparently the trip has economic purposes and Bush will try to get Halliburton a contract to re-build the wall.

Smokers' International Airways
A German businessman is opening a new airline that will allow passengers to smoke on the air. Apparently the suggestion came from the pilots that said that it is always nice to have a cigarette on the air after having a couple of drinks.

A German businessman is opening a new airline that will allow passengers to smoke on the air. The petition came from a lot of customers that missed having a cigarette after having sex in the bathrooms on the planes.

Lawyers are trying to figure out if the airline would be considered liable for second hand smoking when they crash into a house on the ground.

A German businessman is opening a new airline that will allow passengers to smoke on the air. The petition came from a lot of customers that were getting nervous thinking there could be snakes on the plane.

A German businessman is opening a new airline that will allow passengers to smoke on the air. Apparently he came up with the idea because he grew tired that some members of the Alaska Airlines crew were taking nicotine patches from the customers to cover some of the holes in the plane.

Halliburton
The Army is discontinuing a controversial multibillion-dollar deal with oil services giant Halliburton. The corporation said that it was time to move on and explore other lucrative business venues and suggested that they got an offer from Disney to shoot "Pirates of the Middle East"

US and Mexico
Elections in Mexico ended up in scandal after the leftist candidate claimed the elections were rigged and the USA was involved in the fraud because they have interests in the Mexican oil. He became suspicious of the US interest in the oil when the Bush administration offered help in the elections and sent barrels to be used as ballot boxes to cast the votes.

The Bush administration is working on ways to change the minds of those who see the Guest Worker program as the new slavery. Apparently their solution would be to make this Guest Worker program reciprocal, Mexico sends workers to take care of US farms and kitchens and the US sends giant oil companies to take care of Mexican oil.

Entertainment
Jackie Chan disrupted a concert by Taiwanese singer Jonathan Lee when he appeared inebriated on stage and traded insults with the crowd. According to reporters they think Jackie Chan was insulting the audience but nobody is sure because he was talking in his usual incomprehensible English.

Luciano Pavarotti is resting comfortably in bed while recovering from pancreatic cancer surgery. He is resting comfortably, the bed not so much.............

Paris Hilton claims she keeps her slim figure by eating mostly MC Donalds French fries. The company really needs the plug; after all they spend a whole chunk of money on plumbers to unclog the bathroom every time Paris purges the fries.

July 12th 2006

North Korean Missiles
One of the North Korea’s test-fired missiles was supposed to reach Hawaiian waters but fell after 30 seconds. It means that the missile "Taepodong-2" never got laid.

All-Star Game
Pittsburgh held yesterday the All-Star game in baseball. More and more Latino players are being voted into the All-Star game and for the first time in the history of the game there were more Latinos on the field that in the concession stands.

More and more Latinos are being voted into the All-Star game. It was quite awkward yesterday in Pittsburgh to see pick up trucks circulating inside the stadium to find cheap labor.

Is it true all the Latino players arrived to the game in the same van??

Economy
During a press conference in the White House, President Bush made the case that his tax cuts have brought jobs and prosperity to Americans. Most Americans wanted to attend the press conference to personally thank the president but apparently they didn’t have enough money to put gas in their cars or didn’t have time because they have to hold 3 jobs to be able to survive.

Bush
Poland's President Lech Kaczynski appointed his identical twin brother Jaroslaw Kaczynski as his prime minister Monday in Warsaw. President Bush said he was really mad about the decision because he was just about to learn how to pronounce the president’s last name

Big Screen TV
The Japanese company Matsushita Electric said they are ready to start selling its 103-inch plasma flat-panel TV. According to the president of the company they want Americans to fully appreciate the size of the TV so they decided to coincide the launching of the product with the first show of "The View" with Rossie O’Donnel.

Shorties
Pearl Jam is launching a new campaign to raise public awareness of "Pearl Jam"

According to a recent study most Americans Say Lying Sometimes Is OK. I wonder if I should trust this survey.......

My space became the most visited place surpassing Yahoo and Google ....said Paris Hilton referring to her bedroom.

July 11th 2006

Russian President
Russian president Puttin said that the reason why he felt compelled to kiss the bare stomach of a young boy in a Kremlin courtyard didn't have any deviant connotation and that he just felt the urge to squeeze the kid like a kitten. Reporters immediately assumed that the Russian leader is into "Kitty Porn"

Playboy Einstein
Newly-released letter show that Albert Einstein had affairs with six women while he was married. Apparently nerds used to have time for women until the first episode of Star Trek was played on TV

Suri
Media reporters are wondering why they have not seen a picture of Tom Cruise's daughter even though she is already 3 months old. Apparently, Suri, Tom Cruise's daughter is embarrassed to be photographed with her father because she is already taller than him.

Tom Delay
Former Texas Congressman Tom DeLay suggested that he may not be ready for retirement just yet and he might be running again in the midterm elections. After hearing the news the briefcase industries' stocks jumped up more than 50% percent.

Teacher
A former Michigan middle school band teacher admitted Thursday that she had sexual contact with six male students. Apparently everybody got laid in the band but the drummer.

Jacko
A former associate of Michael Jackson claims that Jacko tried to hire him to adopt Brazilian boys for him. Apparently Michael was caught up by the World Cup fever and wanted his next kids to be future soccer players.

July 10th 2006

Hi everybody;
Yes, the World Cup is over, for Americans it is like any other day, for the rest of the world is going back to hell. In a Latino household, like in the Clinton’s family, the woman wears the pants and the man keeps them down, (actually that is only Bill). The world cup represents the only event in the world that would let men get away with family chores and be understood by the wife:
"Sorry Hun, I can’t take the garbage out, they are showing the best 100 corner kicks of the world cup only the ones shot with the left foot"
"Oh I’m sorry I can’t fold the clothes right now the top 10 plays of the Iranian team are on TV with the music of Pavarotti"
"You can pick up the kids, I am gonna stay home and watch Ivory Coast Vs Argentina, they are playing the entire game in slow motion...."
We were powerful! We would be able to get away with everything because it was the World Cup, and the wife, girlfriend, mother , they all understand we live for this. But now it is all over, we have to back to the daily routine, we have no excuses, life has no meaning.... "hold on honey, I’m writing jokes, I can’t do the laundry now , let me fini................

Pirates of the Caribbean
The "Pirates of the Caribbean'' sequel this weekend, had the most profitable opener in movie history. Movie critics agree it is a great a film and reflects vividly what happened in the latest presidential elections in Mexico.

Former Texas Congressman Tom DeLay suggested that he may not be ready for retirement just yet. Delay said that if a judge determines that his name remains in the November ballot in the 22nd Congressional district race, he might start a campaign to race money and run again. After hearing the news, Disney announced the production of Pirates of the Caribbean 3.

World Cup
Italy beat France and won the soccer world cup. Italians all over the world celebrated the victory. In America, Italians were so happy that yesterday nobody was killed in New Jersey .

Zinedine Zidane, the most famous French player, was named the best player of the world cup despite of an incident in the last game against Italy in which Zidane head-butted an Italian defender and was shown the red card. Nobody in the press believed his excuse, the French player claimed he did it so he could hit the showers first before they get too crowded with the other French players.

Former president Bill Clinton attended the final game of the world cup. Apparently Clinton is a huge soccer fan, he loves the elegance of players dodging other players to score, more or less what he has to do with Hillary , to dodge her to leave the house and be able to score.

According to a survey most Americans were not interested in the world cup. One of the few hooked up on this event was radio host Rush Limbaugh who celebrated the end of the world cup and is now waiting anxiously the return of the prostitutes that traveled to Germany.

Ken Lay
A cloud of suspicions surrounds the death of former Enron CEO Ken Lay. Some people believed the heart attack he had was caused by some pills he took to induce his death. Many Republicans want to investigate and learn the name of those pills in case they are convicted too.

July 7th 2006

Happy Birthday Mr. President
President Bush celebrated yesterday his 60th birthday. Bush received congratulatory phone calls from the Russian and the Chinese president. They both promised to send their presents in the head of the next North Korean Missile.

The Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, visiting the White House, brought birthday greetings and also a belt buckle for president Bush. Apparently the Prime Minister thinks all presidents in the States are like Bill Clinton and need help keeping their pants up.

Bush senior celebrated his 80th birthday with a parachute jump from 13,000 ft in the sky. On his 60th birthday George Bush tried to emulate his father, but it wasn't quite as brave, he just jumped from his own ratings.

More Happy Birthdays
Rapper 50 Cent turned 31 yesterday and from now onwards, due to the heavy inflation , he'll be called 47 cents and a half.

Rapper 50 Cent and president Bush's birthdays fall on the same day. There are some similarities between them, one of them was shot 9 times when younger, the other, when younger, had 9 nine shots of tequila on one night.

Ken Lay in Peace
Some skeptics believe that former Enron founder, Ken Lay faked his death and underwent plastic surgery to escape his prison sentence. According to experts Ken Lay will never be found because he now wears a turban, grew a long beard, he is now more than 6 ft. tall and carries a dialysis machine with him all the time.

Emmies
The Academy of Television Arts & Sciences announced the nominations for the 58th Primetime Emmy Awards. There were no surprises, specially in the horror genre where the US soccer team and its performance in the World Cup got all the nominations

July 6th 2006

Kenneth Lay
Kenneth Lay, the founder of Enron Corp. died , unexpectedly of a heart attack on Wednesday. The preliminary examination showed clogged coronary arteries to be the cause of death . Apparently, according to some reporters, Lay tried to unclog the arteries with a gunshot.

Kenneth Lay died unexpectedly of a heart attack on Wednesday. The preliminary examination showed clogged coronary arteries to be the cause of death. According to reporters, the inmates of the jail where Kenneth Lay was heading after being convicted of fraud, were really sad when they heard the news because they were ready to unclog those arteries themselves.

Clogged coronary arteries seemed to the reason of former Enron CEO Ken Lay’s death. It is a rare disease, the more you open your mouth the more clogged your arteries get.

Convicted former Enron CEO Ken Lay is dead. Apparently he died of stress while vacationing in his home in Colorado as we all know how stressful it could be to deal with the heavy traffic of skiers in Aspen.

North Korean Missiles
Japan was really angered and frustrated because some of the missiles that North Korea tested fell in Japanese water. Apparently the Japanese president was very disappointed because none of the missiles hit any whale.

Whose missile falls after 30 seconds? Rush Limbaugh’s

President Bush was caught off guard by the North Korea’s missiles testing this past 4th of July. In a press conference Bush told the media that he thought Korean Leader Lil Kim was still in jail according to reports in the news he saw on BET.

Rush
Vladimir Puttin, the Russian president , is very concerned with the decrease of the Russian population, and is willing to pay Russian women to have more sex to procreate more babies. Rush Limbaugh is also willing to pay women to have sex.

July 3rd 2006

Hi everybody, how are you doing?, Yes, the World cup is over for me, my team lost, Argentina got eliminated from the world cup, it has been sad lately, it makes writing jokes a little bit harder, let's try with some poetry....

11 steps are the ones that separate my room from the bathroom, that's why I always end up wetting the lid, as my prostate is not what it used to be
11 steps are the ones that separate me from the beautiful girls of Deja Vu because some lawmakers passed a law that doesn't let me touch their boobs.
11 steps are the ones that separated Argentina from the semifinals, after we lost in penalty kicks, who knew Argentinean players had worst aim than Cheney Dick......
(sorry I guess poetry is not my thing)

Anyhow the world cup is over for me, and like a famous Argentinean writer used to say about soccer:
Soccer is 22 players chasing a ball. With all the money they make, why don't they each buy their own soccer ball ??????

Discovery
NASA has delayed the launching of the shuttle Discovery for a second day, apparently they are waiting for Korea to launch their missile and use the Discovery to intercept it.

Elections in Mexico
Presidential elections were held yesterday in Mexico and out of 10 million possible voters that were residing abroad, only 32 thousand voted, the rest seems to be catching on with the American values.

Cheney and NASCAR
Vice president Dick Cheney visited the Pepsi 400 NASCAR race in Daytona this Saturday. Cheney was greeted by thousands of fans who happily cheered him thinking they were in the presence of "Larry the cable guy"

Vice president Dick Cheney visited the Pepsi 400 NASCAR race in Daytona this Saturday. He doesn't seem to know much about NASCAR because during his speech he told the spectators that thanks to the Bush administration, gas prices lowered, and the Pepsi 400 can go back to having 500 miles.

Asteroid.
A large asteroid is set to pass Earth in a close encounter. President Bush told reporters during a press conference that people shouldn't worry because they are going to lock Barry Bonds up .

BREAKING NEWS

BREAKING NEWS
Despite of the fact the Mexico's presidential election was too close to call this Sunday, Katherine Harris and Jeb Bush declared George Bush the winner.......

End of the World
Experts are siding with Al Gore saying that there are evident signs we might be close to the end of the world. Apparently they saw Yoko Ono and Paul Mc Cartney hugging and kissing each other during the premiere of Cirque du Soleil’s new Beatles show

July 1st 2006

Bin Laden
Bin laden released another audiotape, the second one in only week. According to experts Bin Laden is releasing audiotapes and not videotapes because his face looks too wrinkly in Hi-Def TV.

Elephant
Officials at the Los Angeles Zoo are under investigation because they did not immediately treat an apparently ill elephant the night before it died. I didn’t know FEMA has zookeepers among their staff.

Officials at the Los Angeles Zoo are under investigation because they did not immediately treat an apparently ill elephant the night before it died. The zookeepers denied any responsibilities and claimed they sent the turtle to give the elephant CPR

Hasselhoff
Former Baywatch star David Hasselhoff is recovering after undergoing surgery for an injury he suffered during a shaving accident. According to close friends he had a problem with the lawnmower when he was shaving his chest.