March 31st 2009

A New York woman was injured when a turkey vulture crashed into her minivan's windshield. Birds are not going to stop until they find Sully again…

George W. Bush will throw out the first pitch on opening day for the Texas Rangers.
Wouldn’t it be really funny if he does it with a shoe?

George W. Bush will throw out the first pitch on opening day for the Texas Rangers. Apparently, now that Bush is not president, he doesn’t have more important places to be booed at.

President Barack Obama announced that the government will back new car warranties issued by both GM and Chrysler. Unfortunately he finished the speech by saying “April’s Fool…”

"Monsters vs. Aliens" topped the box office with a $58.2 million take over the weekend. Apparently, Lou Dobbs plays the role of a monster chasing illegal aliens…

Two men caught a toddler that fell out of a third-story window in Boston. And Congress today decided to check them for steroids. According to a recent study, one-third of Detroit is now completely vacant, and the other two-thirds occupied by abandoned cars.

According to a recent survey, two in three teens don't feel like they know enough about sex. Fortunately for them, there are tons of people in Myspace that are willing to teach them.

The federal government has set up a website for those who feel depressed about the economy. it is just a bunch videos that show you how people in really poor country live.

The federal government has set up a website with "useful" tips for dealing with economy-related depression, like: don’t listen to Rush Limbaugh, don’t listen to Rush Limbaugh, and don’t listen to Rush Limbaugh.

President Obama said yesterday that if you buy a car from Chrysler or GM you’ll be able to get your car serviced and repaired just like always… But wasn’t that the reason the companies collapsed in the first place?

The D.C. public school chancellor has introduced a more stringent uniform policy that bans, among other things, accessories with protruding metal spikes for students. Apparently, some teachers were tired of looking like they had had sex with porcupines after recess.

A Connecticut middle school has banned all touching between students. Apparently, teachers don’t want any kind of competition…

There’s a Ghosbuster III movie in the making and it was confirmed today it will have the original main actors from the previous two movies: Ramis, Dan Aykroyd, Bill Murray and Ernie Hudson. I don’t want imply they are old, but this time they are going to play the ghosts.

March 30th 2009

Vince Shlomi, the guy that does the ShamWow commercials, was arrested last month for a fight he had with a prostitute. Fortunately for him, the guy from the Oxyclean commercials offered himself to clean up the mess.

Vince Shlomi, the guy that does the ShamWow commercials, was arrested last month for a fight he had with a prostitute. Maybe he should have tried to wipe the crime scene with ShamWow.

Vince Shlomi, the guy that does the ShamWow commercials, was arrested last month for a fight he had with a prostitute after she bit his tongue. Apparently, he wouldn’t stop talking about the stupid ShamWow.

Vince Shlomi, the guy that does the ShamWow commercials, was arrested last month for a fight he had with a prostitute. Wow, what a sham!

A 90-year-old man from Seattle is getting his pilot's license. And today all of the birds in the area surrendered.

A 90-year-old man from Seattle is getting his pilot's license. It will be easy to recognize him; he’ll be the only pilot going 20 MPH with the turn signal on.

Today Oakdale's annual Testicle Festival took place and Rotary Club volunteers fried up 400 pounds of the private parts of bulls. Everyone had a ball, except for the bulls…

CNN ratings have dropped considerably moving for the first time behind Fox News and MSNBC. Ratings are so low that Anderson Cooper 360 changed to Anderson Cooper 180.

Octomom is concerned because most her sponsors are pulling out. And probably so will be every men in her life from now on.

The National Enquirer reports that the Octomom did some pole dancing before she had 14 kids. Apparently, she didn’t do it for the money; she was jus walking around with a tube collecting samples from the clients…

Michelle Obama is planting a vegetable garden in the White House lawn. What a difference with the Clinton’s administration, when the hoes where not in the garden, but inside the Oval Office.

During her visit to Mexico to discuss the problems with the drug cartels, Hillary told the president of Mexico that the US is to blame for the problem as well because of its insatiable appetite for drugs. And after hearing that Rush Limbaugh elbowed Michael Phelps… “I think they are talking about us…”

Former Atlanta Falcons QB Michael Vick is shopping around a book about his life and crimes. Apparently, its tentative name is: Slam Dogs Millionaire…

A terrorist aligned with the Taliban, who was on his way to commit a suicide bombing, stopped by to say good bye to his terrorists friends when accidentally his bomb detonated killing all of his friends. The worst part is that now they will have to share the 72 virgins among all the friends.

A terrorist aligned with the Taliban, who was on his way to commit a suicide bombing, stopped by to say good bye to his terrorists friends when accidentally his bomb detonated killing all of his friends. No question… that last party must have been the Bomb.

The president of Brazil blamed the global economic crisis on “white people with blue eyes”. And today Cheney and AIG executives visited a tanning salon and asked for the 5 hours-a-day especial.

Adult Americans spend an average of more than eight hours a day in front of screens. Unfortunately for NBC, none of them in front of their shows…

A "friend" of Joe Biden's daughter is attempting to sell to some magazines a videotape that he claims shows her snorting cocaine at a house party. Some reporters believe it is a hoax because he is also trying to sell a videotape of Amy Winehouse not doing cocaine.

A "friend" of Joe Biden's daughter videotaped her snorting cocaine at a house party and now is trying to sell the tape. I guess Michael Phelps learned the lesson and he is the one holding the video camera this time.

A "friend" of Joe Biden's daughter videotaped her doing 4 lines of cocaine at a house party. It has to be a hoax… a Biden with only 4 lines, come on, her father cannot have only 4 lines; have you heard his speeches?

A "friend" of Joe Biden's daughter is attempting to sell to some magazines a videotape that he claims shows her snorting cocaine at a house party. Does it mean we are sending troops to the border with Mexico to fight the war on drugs or to get more for the Biden’s daughter?

30% of Americans think it should be illegal for athletes to earn more than $1 million a year, especially if they play for the Clippers.

March 27th 2009

Firday leftovers! Send me a line if you have any comments, ideas or suggestions pedrobartes@hotmail.com
You all have a great weekend.... Pedro
A senior US official warned Thursday that Osama Bin Laden and the core Al-Qaeda leadership are plotting new attacks against the United States and its allies. Obama promised to protect every building in America, except for AIG buildings, of course.

Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, visited Mexico to discuss the drug problems in the border. And you wonder how Hillary felt when she bumped into Bill who was still in Mexico enjoying Spring break.

A man in the British town of Hungerford says he and his wife were unaware their teenage son had painted a 60-foot phallus on their home's roof. They always suspected there was something weird especially when they spotted Elton John climbing up a ladder a couple of times.

A disabled Texas woman has sparked a controversy with her use of a seeing-eye horse. Of course people can be forgiving when she doesn’t pick up a seeing-eye dog’s poo, but horse manure?

A disabled Texas woman uses a seeing-eye horse instead of a dog. Some people have complained because by law she is entitled to walk with the little horse even inside stores. I bet you money that if she had a seeing-eye tiger nobody would dare complain.

Barack Obama received thousands of questions yesterday during an online town hall meeting. The fact that his nickname was “hottie-18” helped a lot.

President Obama received an e-mail encouraging him to legalize drugs during his online town hall meeting. Obama laughed it off but wished the author of the question good luck in the next Olympics.

Latino star Elvis Crespo is being investigated after a woman said she saw him masturbating on an airplane en route from Houston to Miami. I don’t know if it sounds like a sequel but apparently the woman claimed she saw Elvis’ snake on a plane.

Latino star Elvis Crespo is being investigated after a woman said she saw him masturbating on an airplane en route from Houston to Miami. I blame the airlines; if they didn’t charge for the stupid blankets or the bathrooms nobody would have noticed poor Elvis.

Miley Cyrus says that she can't play "Hannah Montana" when she's 30. That sounded like a warning to her dad, who’d better start looking for a job.

Rihanna got herself a new tattoo, a gun on her ribcage. Not to be confused with the ring she’s got on her face, that is just a mark from Chris Brown’s punch.

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann wants to propose a legislation banning the replacement of the dollar with any other currency. And today Tim Geithner said not to worry; as a matter of fact, we are not only going to keep the dollar as a currency, we are even actually thinking of printing tons of them.

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann wants to propose a legislation banning the replacement of the dollar with any other currency. The economy is so bad that some people are even concerned and want to protect the firing of dead presidents.

The blind contestant of this season in American Idol continues to surprise everybody by receiving enough votes to stay one more round. Viewers of American Idol are sympathetic with him; usually deaf people are sympathetic with the blind.

March 26th 2009

According to a new study published in the "Archives of Sexual Behavior", when a guy is physically attracted to a woman, he'll look into her eyes for an average of 8.2 seconds. Exactly the same amount of time he’ll take to get disinterested in her after they have sex.

According to a new study published in the "Archives of Sexual Behavior", when a guy is physically attracted to a woman, he'll look into her eyes for an average of 8.2 seconds and if he’s no attracted to her, only 4.5 seconds. Unless she’s got a big rack because in that case he won’t look at her eyes at all.

According to a new study published in the "Archives of Sexual Behavior", when a guy is physically attracted to a woman, he'll look into her eyes for an average of 8.2 seconds and if he’s no attracted to her only 4.5 seconds. Unlike women, who don’t look at our eyes at all, they just check our cars…

In Saudi Arabia, radical Clerics want to ban all women from appearing on TV. Finally something in common with America, because I know a lot of guys here that would ban all women that appear on “The View.”

While President Obama was giving a televised press conference to discuss the future of our economy, House Republican Whip Eric Cantor went to a Britney Spears concert. In his defense, he probably read that the name of Britney’s tour was “Circus” and he thought it was in honor of Congress.

According to a study by Dr. Michael Dunn, there's a wide variety of evidence suggesting that females are more superficial than men and are more influenced by wealth and status. Some women were mad and wanted to organize a protest against Doctor Dunn until they found out he is the son of a multimillionaire.

Officials at the University of Alberta Hospital in Canada discovered that medical students and residents were using knowledge they gained by watching ER or Grey’s Anatomy instead of the knowledge they gained at med school. That also explained the big number of pregnancies among medical students and residents.

There's a free video game online where you control a man's "swimmer" through a woman's most intimate of areas. Apparently, Octomom holds the record of that game.

Sean Penn, Jim Carrey and Benicio Del Toro have been lined up to star in a new movie based on 1930s comedy icons The Three Stooges. Producers went for those actors because the three congressmen they wanted asked for too much money.

According to the media, Madonna's loose morals could keep her from adopting another kid from Malawi. Fortunately for Madonna, she also has loose pockets.

March 25th 2009

President Obama gave a press conference last night that was televised by all the networks. And the teleprompter had the rebuttal an hour later.

President Obama gave a press conference last night that was televised by all the networks. I don’t want to say some of the questions from the press were dumb, but I didn’t miss Paula Abdul at all…

Former Gov. Rod Blagojevich has a new gig as a Chicago radio host. Unfortunately, if you are the tenth caller, don’t expect to get the concert tickets for free; he’ll probably charge you for them.

Former Gov. Rod Blagojevich has a new gig as a Chicago radio host. The program director probably misunderstood him, because Blagojevich never said he could spend two hours a day on the air; he said he could easily spend two hours a day on his hair.

Former Gov. Rod Blagojevich has a new gig as a Chicago radio host. Apparently, he brought in a new sponsor: Supercuts.

A state senator from Nevada named Bob Coffin proposed a bill which would tax prostitution. Who would have thought Spitzer and Charlie Sheen were going to save the economy?

A state senator from Nevada named Bob Coffin proposed a bill which would tax prostitution. It is going to be hard to find support among other senators, especially senator David Vitter.

Studies show that the income gap between white and black Americans is growing. Fortunately, Tim Geithner is working hard to close that gap by making everybody equally poor.

There's a new website called InformationAgePrayer.com which will actually recite your prayers for you for a fee. And you’ll need it if your husband finds out you spend money on this stupid website.

According to E! News, Rhianna is looking for a new mansion. The real estate agent said that Rhianna wants a home with a great view, spacious, and close to a hospital in case Chris Brown drops by.

Most Republican officials are begging Dick Cheney to stay home and avoid talking to the press. What they don’t know is that his wife is the one pushing him to leave the house; do you know how boring it is to hear Cheney plotting wars against his neighbors all the time?

Some political pundits have been critical of the pass Dick Cheney got during his interview with CNN. Larry King would have been a much better interviewer, but Cheney rejected him, not because he’s tough, but Cheney, as a vampire, can’t stay close to garlic.

There’s a new app for your cell phone, a game where you take on the roll of Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger by forcing you to make an emergency landing in the Hudson. Unfortunately, you’ll need the real Sully to avoid crashing your car if you are playing in the cell while you are driving.

A Denver man just released a new cell phone application called PMS Budd iPhone that will warn you when your girlfriend or wife is on that time of the month. Apparently, when you hear your phone beep you’d better run for your life.

A Denver man just released a new cell phone application called PMS Budd iPhone that will warn you when your girlfriend or wife is on that time of the month. My wife disliked this feature; she said it is horrible… period.

A Denver man just released a new cell phone application called PMS Budd iPhone that will warn you when your girlfriend or wife is on that time of the month, unlike the old system when you were warned by your wife throwing plates at you.

Matt Lauer flipped over his bike's handlebars, injuring himself after a deer jumped in front of him. At least we know now "Where in the World is Matt Lauer" . . . he is at the hospital.

According to legal papers, Britney Spears spent almost $3 million in lawyers last year. Apparently, there’s legal battle going on; her privates want to get emancipated.

According to a recent poll, Obama would have a 20-point lead over Sarah Palin in a hypothetical 2012 match-up. And when Palin heard about this, there was another volcano eruption in Alaska.

The last 3 digits of Bernie Madoff's prison registration number 054, produced five hundred and one lottery winning tickets in New York the Sunday after Madoff's guilty plea, up from 120 winners the previous day. Maddoff personally called every one of the winners and offered his services to triple that money.

March 24th 2009

According to a physician at the Institute for Reproductive Medicine in New York City, vasectomy consultations are up 48% from this time last year due to the bad economy. What’s even worse, some guys are letting their girlfriends catch them cheating so they can even save in doctors’ fee.

According to a physician at the Institute for Reproductive Medicine in New York City, vasectomy consultations are up 48% from this time last year… Just when you thought sperm banks would be the only banks that were going to survive this crisis.

According to British tabloids, Madonna broke up with her boyfriend. Apparently, it was getting hard for him to deal with his high school homework and a steady relationship.

AIG took down the American International Group Inc. sign outside the entrance to its Water St. offices. Unfortunately they are thinking of replacing it for a sign that says Mission Accomplished.

The AIG firm took down the American International Group Inc. sign outside the entrance to its Water St. offices. People can still recognize the offices for the golden marble columns and the diamond-encrusted door bell.

Officials in Toronto are paying people $100 to pretend they're homeless for a night. We can help here; millions of Americans don’t need to pretend and they’d do it for a bottle of booze.

A Russian company created an ice-cream advert featuring Barack Obama. And now every time Keith Olberman hears an ice cream truck, he feels a tingle sensation.

A San Francisco company started running luxury busses for commuters. The busses have padded leather seats, television screens, free Wi-Fi, power plugs for laptops, and bulletproof windows for AIG executives.

The US Government is buying Chinese condoms for its US Agency for International Development program. Apparently, the lead on them can kill any kind of venereal diseases.

A video of a South West Flight Attendant rapping the flight announcements is making the rounds on the web. I don’t want to say he’s bad, but isn’t it unfair that 50 cents got shot 9 times and this flight attendant has never been shot?

The Pentagon said Friday that a U.S. Navy submarine collided with a U.S. Navy destroyer in the Persian Gulf. Apparently, both were trying to avoid a collision with a US Airways plane that was landing there.

The Pentagon said Friday that a U.S. Navy submarine collided with a U.S. Navy destroyer in the Persian Gulf. John Edwards showed up immediately to see if there was somebody injured… typical boat chaser behavior.

The "Sun" claims that Angelina Jolie has been living on a diet of lemon juice, cayenne pepper and maple syrup to prepare for her upcoming movie. And you thought Brad Pitt was lucky. Can you imagine putting up with all the kids and a hungry bitchy wife?

India's Tata Motors on Monday launched its much anticipated $2,000 car. There’s a catch 22 though: the car only does 1 mile a gallon. India's Tata Motors on Monday launched its much anticipated $2,000 car.

Unfortunately, due to the economy, the car won’t work in America because it is too small, impossible for a family of 4 to live in…

David Letterman revealed that he married the lady in his life last week. The only guest that didn’t show up: John McCain…

Matt Lauer flipped over his bike's handlebars, injuring himself after a deer jumped in front of him. At least we know now "Where in the World is Matt Lauer" . . . he is at the hospital .

March 23rd 2009

President Obama’s visit gave the Tonight Show with Jay Leno its highest rating in the last 11 years. Sorry Kevin Eubanks, I think Jay just found a new guitarist.

President Obama’s visit gave the Tonight Show with Jay Leno its highest rating in the last 11 years. Change of plans Conan; MBC executives move Jay at 10, but they are giving this time slot to the president.

President Obama visited the Tonight Show, ESPN and 60 Minutes all in one week. I don’t want to say he’s over exposing himself, but hosting the infomercials in the middle of the night for ShamWow is too much.

Two more babies from the Octomom were secretly released from Kaiser Permanente Bellflower Medical Center on Saturday and taken to her new home. Apparently they didn’t want to take all together at the same time with their mom, because the eight of them would put a heck of a fight.

Two more babies from the Octomom were secretly released from Kaiser Permanente Bellflower Medical Center on Saturday and taken to her new home. Apparently they babies were tricked to leave the hospital by telling them they were going to be adopted by Angelina Jolie.

A group of people organized a bus tour around the AIG Executives’ Houses. The bus was packed, mostly from politicians in search of some money from the executives to fund their future political campaigns.

After the threats some people received at AIG, their corporate security department told employees in a memo to avoid public conversations involving AIG so as not to be recognized. Unfortunately, that gives them away immediately, because if you are not talking about AIG nowadays, you have to be from AIG.

After the threats some people received at AIG, their corporate security department told employees in a memo to keep a low profile so as not to be recognized. So they’d better stop driving their Ferraris, lighting cigars with hundred dollar bills, and cleaning up their dogs poo off the streets and putting it in a LV bag because that doesn’t help.

According to a recent survey in "Women's Health" magazine nearly three in four men say it's a turn-on when their date pays all or half of the check. Unfortunately, they will have to take care of themselves, because if a woman is paying dinner you can be sure you are not getting any that night.

More than 100 school districts are considering starting their school classes running from 11:00 a.m. until 5:00 p.m. because experts believe students will perform better. Besides, it gives them some extra time to frolic in bed with their teachers.

Madonna just fired her Aussie nanny. Apparently she now thinks that her boyfriend is already old enough to take care of himself.

Madonna and her boyfriend had a fight over his cell phone use and now Madonna only lets him answer the mobile when she’s around, but only in emergencies. What does she think he is? a kid?? Oh, wait…

A woman in Aliso Viejo, California started throwing dog poop when people asked her to stop giving her dog an enema at the mall. I know you don’t want your dog to poo on the carpet, but an enema at the mall? Isn’t that too much?

Tyra Banks announced plans to hold more "Top Model" auditions after last weekend's New York stampede. She should have gotten arrested, but she is another case of a Bank that got a bail out.

A supermarket saleswoman found 60 pounds of cocaine while unpacking boxes of bananas in southern Germany. Bananas and 60 lbs of cocaine… Or as Amy Winehouse calls it: Breakfast of Champions!

A supermarket saleswoman found 60 pounds of cocaine while unpacking boxes of bananas in southern Germany. You see… too much cocaine makes you go bananas.

President Obama invited some Special Olympians at the White House to apologize for the comments he made on the Tonight Show. Security requested the Special Olympians to wear a distinguishable outfit so Obama wouldn’t mistake them from some of his cabinet members.

Bernie Maddof’s wife left her East Side penthouse Thursday night for the first time and tried to go shopping unnoticed. She was wearing cheap clothes, and had no expensive jewelry on. It didn’t work; reporters immediately realized it was her because she was the only on with money to fill up the cart at the grocery store.

Bernie Maddof’s wife had left her East Side penthouse Thursday night for the first time to buy some American cheese when reporters caught her at a grocery store. She could have asked for cheese from some of the investors her husband scammed, because they probably have some government cheese after they lost all their money.

March 20th 2009

Congress passed a bill that would impose a 90 percent income tax on $165 million in bonuses distributed to executives of AIG. Does it mean we don’t get to lynch them now? Darn!

Congress passed a bill that would impose a 90 percent income tax on $165 million in bonuses distributed to executives of AIG. Did you hear that? We’re coming for you now, Octomom!


Former New York governor Eliot Spitzer is back in front of the TV cameras to talk about the AIG scandal. It is very appropriate, if you think about it. Who is better to talk about screwing people than Eliot Spitzer.

During his appearance with Jay Leno, Obama made a risky joke about Special Olympics when he talked about bowling. And today he apologized to the members of congress in case trhey felt offended.

A woman's dog in North Carolina, ate $400 in cash that she was about to deposit into her bank account. The government should enforce people to feed their dogs with some money, because nobody will leave their crap hanging on the streets if they know their dogs might poop it back.

A woman in Aliso Viejo, California, started throwing dog poop when people asked her to stop giving her dog an enema at the mall. I know ShamWow is a great product, but aren’t they getting out of control with these wacky mall demonstrations?

A woman in Aliso Viejo, California, started throwing dog poop when people asked her to stop giving her dog an enema at the mall. Don’t tell me her dog also ate her money...

Alex Rodriguez posed shirtless and kissing himself in the mirror in a magazine layout. Remember when baseball was tough? The only time you would hear about baseball players and mirrors was when they were snorting cocaine.

A Swedish woman spent over $400,000 on a plastic spray bottle filled with holy water that ended up being fake. Experts confirmed the Holy Water was bogus after they offered Dick Cheney a sip and he didn't burn.

First lady Michelle Obama is planting a new garden near the fountain on the South Lawn. I don’t know what they are going to grow, but to give you a clue, reporters saw Snoop Doggy Dog entering the White House.

First lady Michelle Obama is planting a new garden near the fountain on the South Lawn. And today she received tons of watermelon seeds from the former mayor of Los Alamitos in Southern California.

According to IMS Health Inc, the sales of prescription drugs rose the slowest in the U.S. in at least 47 years. It is hard for Rush to buy his drugs now; he is constantly on the spotlight.

According to IMS Health Inc, the sales of prescription drugs rose the slowest in the U.S. in at least 47 years. You can blame the tough economy, and also the fact that people don’t need to buy pills to sleep anymore; they can just watch “The Apprentice.”

March 19th 2009

A new study shows that being obese can shorten your life. And today Obama mailed Rush Limbaugh 10 quarter pounders and 5 gallons of ice cream.

The economy is so bad, that the 5 seconds rule for when you drop food on the floor has been extended to 5 days.

Former President George W. Bush visited Canada to give his first public speech since leaving office to 2,000 guests who paid $3,100 per table. It was so difficult to accommodate 2,000 people around one table.

Former President George W. Bush said he is thinking of writing a book about the 12 toughest decisions he had to make as a president. Apparently, among those tough decisions he made as a president, Bush will include: war in Iraq, mayo or mustard in his lunch sandwich, and Nickelodeon or Disney at breakfast.

The New York Post published today some of the names of the AIG executives that received the salacious bonuses. The executives were mad; the only time their names should be published is on the list of the richest people in Forbes magazine.

Americans are demanding to know the names of the AIG executives that received big bonuses, mostly Real Estate Agents and Car Dealers, because those executives are probably now the only ones that can afford to buy something.

Some members of Congress want to tax 90% of the money AIG executives made in bonuses. It is a tough dilemma for the executives; if they pay, they lose most of the money, and if they don’t pay the taxes, they might end up in Obama’s cabinet.

AIG Executives have received death threats over the US$165 million in bonuses they received. To show how bad the company is doing, most of them purchased life insurance from State Farm.

A man found 41 snakes living beneath his home in Colorado. Oh, so that's where AIG executives vacation!

According to a new study by the National Center for Health, two in every five American babies are born to unwed mothers. The two main reasons: the NBA added more games to their schedule, and Octomom!

Scrabble's official word list now includes "zzz" defined as the sound you make when you snore. Not everybody agreed with the definition of zzz; most linguists believe zzz is the sound people make when they watch Al Gore’s speeches.

March 18th 2009

According to a new study by the Massachusetts College of Liberal Arts, the average person curses about 80 to 90 times a day… or every time someone mentions AIG or Bernie Madoff.

President Obama will appear on Jay Leno's Tonight Show Thursday while he's in Los Angeles. Since that was announced, Jay Leno has been getting tons of e-mails from Rush Limbaugh suggesting Michael Richards as a guest comedian.

President Obama will appear on Jay Leno's Tonight Show Thursday. Security will be really tight. Most of Obama’s bodyguards begged him to be the ones in charge of doing the cavity search of the hot women in the first row.

President Obama will appear on Jay Leno's Tonight Show Thursday. Security will be really tight. Hopefully the toilet in Kevin Eubanks’ green room works well when some of the CIA agents knock at his door.

According to a recent survey, 83% of parents say they read to their kids every day. Unfortunately, it is just the cell phone bill to complaint how much texting they did.

Former president Bush is visiting Canada. Today, even illegals begged Obama to send more people to the border to seal it so we don’t let Bush come back.

The New York Post published today some of the names of the AIG executives that received the salacious bonuses. The executives were mad; the only time their names should be published is on the list of the richest people in Forbes magazine.

There’s a Saint Patrick tradition that says that people are supposed to have something green on to avoid being pinched. The only ones that were not pinched yesterday were the AIG executives.

There’s a Saint Patrick tradition that says that people are supposed to have something green on to avoid being pinched. I guess Kevin Eubanks was safe thanks to what he had in his pocket.

In honor of St. Patrick's Day, President Obama dyed the White House fountains green. And they even dressed Dennis Kucinich as a leprechaun.

The outrage over the AIG decision to give big bonuses is increasing. Even Bin Laden threw a tantrum about it in his latest audio tape.

An Italian porn star went topless at the Milan stock exchange to protest the financial meltdown. Nobody paid much attention; she was as saggy as the economy.

A man found a nest of 41 snakes in his home in Colorado. Apparently, that’s where the AIG executives vacation.

"American Idol" has teamed-up with Upper Deck to produce a line of "Idol" trading cards. The most difficult one to get is the sober Paula Abdul.

March 17th 2009

According to some researchers from Germany, being stuck in traffic increases a person's heart attack risks by more than three times, especially if you are a Democrat and you're stuck in traffic listening to Rush Limbaugh.

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention says a passenger on a Northwest Airlines flight from Frankfurt, Germany, to Detroit has been diagnosed with tuberculosis. After landing in Detroit, tuberculosis is the least of the passenger's worries.

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention says a passenger on a Northwest Airlines flight from Frankfurt, Germany, to Detroit has been diagnosed with tuberculosis. Everybody was in shock; who on earth would travel from Frankfurt to Detroit?

A Houston man was arrested for drunken driving and spent the night in jail after he was pulled over following his own wedding reception. He must have caught the bouquet at the wedding because during that night in jail he became somebody’s wife.

Osama Bin Laden released a new audio tape two days after his birthday. Apparently, this time he declared a jihad to all his birthday’s guests for the crappy presents he got and for the mess they left in the cave.

Osama Bin Laden released a new audio tape two days after his birthday. Apparently, he is asking Rush Limbaugh if he wants to record a duet with him in a song called “I Hope Obama Fails”

The band KISS is currently working on a new album. They are going to call it “I wanna rock and roll until 5 PM.”

Pop star Madonna said she may adopt another child. Her boyfriend is mad; he’ll have to share all his toys.

Collectors who hold a special Topps 3D Live baseball card in front of a webcam will see a three-dimensional avatar of the player. The definitions of the players are so vivid that if you pay close attention, you can even see the syringes stuck up their butts.

Lindsay Lohan was issued a warrant Friday because the court believed Lindsay had been skipping an alcohol awareness program that was part of her probation. Which is weird because if there’s someone that seems to be aware of alcohol, that would be Lindsay Lohan.

Bristol Palin called off her engagement with her baby-daddy Levi Johnston. Apparently, she is selling her engagement ring as a package together with her promise ring.

Bristol Palin's baby-daddy, Levi Johnston, says they might get back together one day. That day will probably be the day Palin decides she’s running for office in 2012.

A German frozen food company is selling fried chicken bits under the name of "Obama fingers." And if you thought that was racists, wait until you hear about the next product the company is releasing: "Michelle watermelons".

President Barack Obama will be making his first sit-down talk show appearance on March 19th on “‘The Tonight Show with Jay Leno’. And just in case Rush Limbaugh didn’t hear it well, Obama will be with LENO, not LENIN.

March 16th 2009

New York police arrested three people following a massive stampede that erupted during a casting of America's Next Top Model. Apparently, the chaos broke out when one of the contestants popped up a bottle of ipecap and all the other models started to chase her.

Oprah Winfrey dedicated a show to Domestic Violence inspired on what happened to Rhianna and Chris Brown. There’s going to be a second part on the same topic but this time covering John Stewart vs. Jim Cramer.

It turned out that Rhianna and Chris Brown are not going to record a duet and it was all a publicist’s lie. Actually Rhianna helped Brown with some records after the fight, his criminal records.

A timber crew featured on the History Channel's reality show 'Ax Men' could be in trouble for illegally cutting some trees. Ironically the members of the timber crew are now “The Axed Men”.

According to a recent survey by Harris Interactive, one in 50 Americans say they would take credit for someone else's work. Still I dare you to find someone that would take credit for Bush’s job.

According to a recent survey by Harris Interactive, one in 50 Americans say they would take credit for someone else's work. Actually the survey was done by someone else but Harris Interactive took all the credits.

President Obama telephoned the leaders of Indonesia, Saudi Arabia, the Philippines and Argentina to talk about the state of the world economy. To give you an example of how bad the state of the economy is, Obama called collect.

President Obama is now saying the U.S. economy is "sound". Unfortunately it sounds like a Paris Hilton’s song.

President Obama met with the foreign minister of China at the White House on Thursday and among other things they discussed the US debt. I don’t think Obama will be able to play basketball this weekend, his knee was busted.

According to some researchers from Germany, being stuck in traffic increases a person's heart attack risk by more than three times, especially if you are a Democrat and you're stuck in traffic listening to Rush Limbaugh.

There’s a new website called BlueServo.net that allows users to "virtually patrol" the Texas-Mexico border via 15 live camera feeds. If you miss the crossing, don’t worry, you can see the illegals live at any Wal-Mart store.

There’s a new website called BlueServo.net that allows users to "virtually patrol" the Texas-Mexico border via 15 live camera feeds. No wonder Illegals get jobs here, look how fat and lazy we are. We try to catch illegals sitting on a couch while eating and drinking…….

Researchers believe that old age actually begins at 27. Or when Madonna doesn’t want to date you anymore.

The government on Saturday permanently banned the slaughter of cows too sick or weak to stand on their own. And you know that today Rush Limbaugh bought a cushy chair and will never stand up again.

According to a new research, having a positive attitude helps people to live longer. I just hope Bernie Madoff is really positive so he can rot in jail for years.

According to a new research, having a positive attitude helps people to live longer. So Rush has not much to live: obesity, drug addiction and the most negative attitude I know.

The economy is also affecting Latinos. The economy is so bad Univision changed the name of the show “Sabado Gigante” to “Sabado Pequeño”

The economy is so bad the today show is sending Matt Lauer to food banks and Soup Kitchens for the segment “Where in the world is Matt Lauer?"

The World Wide Web turned 20 years-old. I don’t want to say the internet is old, but most of the perverts that surf the web wouldn’t hit on it anymore.


The World Wide Web turned 20 years-old. And if you have one of the first modems, you’re still probably trying to finish downloading a picture of Pamela Anderson you started downloading 20 years ago.

A woman from Spokane, Washington, found a cat inside a used couch she bought at a thrift store and then returned it to its owner. Britney Spears was thankful because since her last concert in Tampa she had no idea where her pussy has been hanging out.

March 13th 2009

Friday leftovers! have a grea weekend. Pedro

Today is Friday the 13th… But what else can wrong in this country?

The Iraqi journalist who threw shoes at President Bush was sentenced to 3 years yesterday. Apparently, he would have walked free, but when he threw the shoes at Bush, he missed.

A high school history and economics teacher in eastern Idaho is selling ad space on his test papers to make up for a cut in his supply budget. The prices vary according to the student’s score; ads are cheaper if you get an F, because the student will never show it to anybody.

A high school history and economics teacher in eastern Idaho is selling advertising space to a Pocatello pizzeria on his students’ tests to make up for a cut in his supply budget. Do you think fat kids are going to be able to concentrate on the exam when they have the picture of a big pizza slice at the bottom of the page?

Michael Phelps gave the Today Show an interview. Unfortunately the interview didn’t start on time because Phelps spent most of his time in the green room.

Michael Phelps gave the Today Show an interview Friday. He was originally booked for the Fox show “Red Eye”, but his publicists didn’t think it was appropriate.

A woman in Pittsfield, Massachusetts tried to forcibly impregnate her lesbian lover with a turkey baster filled with her brother’s sperm. She failed, but the turkey next Thanksgiving will definitely be tender and juicy.

There’s a new website called BlueServo.net that allows users to "virtually patrol" the Texas-Mexico border via 15 live camera feeds. Or as Lou Dobbs calls it: porn!

There’s a new website called BlueServo.net that allows users to "virtually patrol" the Texas-Mexico border via 15 live camera feeds. I think I saw my cousin Jose crossing the desert and looking at the camera thinking it was a casting call for the next Carlos Mencias’ video.

Bernard Madoff is now in jail. And by the end of the first day he already owns most of the cigarettes of the entire inmate population.

March 12th 2009

Bernard Madoff, pleaded guilty Thursday. Investigators are not sure if he’s been trying to hide some assets before he goes to jail, but they are pretty sure Madoff will try to hide his ASSet as soon as he gets incarcerated.

According to a U.N. estimate, the world's population will hit 7 billion early in 2012. Or it could double if the octomom gets busy again.

According to a U.N. estimate, the world's population will hit 7 billion people early in 2012. You’ll have to work hard to beat that record Chis Brown.

There's a new cosmetic surgery procedure which uses lasers to burn away the sweat glands in your armpits. It is going to be a huge hit in America where people are tired of sweating their asses off every morning before the market numbers come up.

There's a new cosmetic surgery procedure which uses lasers to burn away the sweat glands in your armpits. Bill Clinton was the first one on the list to undergo the procedure, so he’ll finally be able to tell Hillary what he did last night.

According to Forbes, the number of billionaires in the US has diminished considerable since last year. And it is expected to disappear completely after they pay taxes.

A South Carolina man escaped injury after his tanning bed burst into flames. Apparently he set up the tanning bed to reach Mitt Romney’s color.

According to Star Magazine, Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, broke up with her boyfriend Levi Johnston. It was good news for Sarah Palin, because after she returned all the clothes to the GOP party, she didn’t have anything to wear for the wedding.

According to a recent study in the "Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy", 78% of cheaters say their partner had no clue what they were up to. We couldn’t understand the other 22% because of the swollen lips and the lack of teeth after they were beat up by their wives.

According to political publication Roll Call, Sen. David Vitter blew a gasket last week at Washington DC's Dulles Airport after missing a flight to New Orleans. Apparently, he didn’t get to the gate in time because he wasted too much time at the restroom playing footsie with Larry Craig.

According to political publication Roll Call, Sen. David Vitter reportedly tried to board his plane after the gate had been closed, then went head-to-head with an airline employee asking if the employee knew who he was. Apparently, when the airport official said no, Vitter showed him the diapers he was wearing .

Chris Brown has officially removed his name from the list of nominees for the Kids' Choice Awards. Apparently, it would have meant a slap on Rhianna’s face and he’d rather do that

March 11th 2009

According to the doctors of the Cleveland Clinic, men who have sex three times a week are 50% less likely to suffer a stroke or a heart attack. Now you know why your wife doesn’t want to do it with you; she wants to kill you.

According to some doctors from the Cleveland Clinic, men who have 150 to 350 orgasms per year report that their body feels two to eight years younger than their actual age. Today, I saw Bill Clinton watching Nickelodeon.

According to some doctors from the Cleveland Clinic, for the typical American, increasing the amount of sex you have from once a month to once a week is the "happiness equivalent" to earning an extra $50,000 per year. If that analogy is correct I think I owe some money.

Members of Congress from both parties are grumbling about the "tiny little portions" of food served at White House functions. Apparently, Obama will do anything to keep Rush Limbaugh as far away from the White House as possible.

Members of Congress from both parties are grumbling about the "tiny little portions" of food served at White House functions. Don’t they have enough with all the pork they got in the stimulus package?

The U.S. Department of Homeland Security plans to study the possibility that human body odor could be used to tell when people are lying. They got inspired by how their wives could tell when they came from the strip bar smelling of cheap hookers rather than from playing basketball with their friends like they claimed.

President Barack Obama called for tying teachers' pay to student performance. Apparently Bush’s teacher is supposed to send some money back.

Authorities in New Jersey said three men accused of burglary allegedly used raw hot dogs to distract the homeowner's pet Labrador. Apparently, they didn’t only distract the dog, but 20 fat neighbors as well.

The folks over at "American Idol" had a problem upping the final 12 to 13 this year. Turns out the sequenced telephone number for contestant 13 is already in use by a phone sex company. And you know that Bill Clinton voted for contestant 13 like twenty million times.

After it was announced that Citibank operated at a profit during the first two months of the year, its stocks went up from $1 to almost $1.36. Today, Citibank CEOs demanded $10 billion in bonuses.

A foreclosed Detroit home recently sold for one dollar. Don’t feel bad for the buyer, it came with French fries.

Latino broadcaster Univision has cut 6% of its staff. It was horrible to see how many people died last week in the soap opera “Juro que te amo.”

Oprah Winfrey is doing a show about abusive relations. No, not a show about abusive relations with pies, doughnuts, chocolates like you would imagine with Oprah; it is going to be about Chris Brown and Rhianna.

A species of ducks is going to die out in the UK because the last remaining males are both gay. Apparently, members of the wildlife department will try a new method: to dress the female ducks as Donald duck to see if that attracts the gay males.

Eddie Doyle, who for 35 years worked at the Boston bar that inspired "Cheers", has been laid off due to the bad economy. We all saw it coming; when Cheers hired Kirstie Allen as a waitress, she ended up eating every little piece of food they had at the bar and they went bankrupt.

During a show in Tampa, Britney Spear was caught by the microphone saying her privates were “hanging out”. Apparently, they came back after they had a couple of beers and a hotdog.

Rhianna and Chris Brown are reportedly recording together. Apparently, Chris likes Rhianna because she knows how to keep a beat.

According to a recent survey by the British government, one in five people think it is ok for a man to slap his wife or girlfriend. No wonder tons of women in England have bad teeth.

March 10th 2009

Britney Spears accidentally exposed her privates during a concert Sunday night in Tampa, Florida. Her manager was mad; you know how difficult it is going to be to sell first row tickets again?

Researchers say that TV shows aimed at toddlers do nothing to stimulate their minds. I knew that, so I bought my little 3-year-old a playstation and Grand Theft Auto III.

Happy birthday to Osama Bin Laden; he turns 52 today. He had a big cake, and blew 52 suicide bombers. Unfortunately, he didn't get many presents; most of them were sent to Obama by mistake. But you’re still in time; apparently he’s registered in TARGET.

A wide-ranging study on American religious life found that more Americans say they have no religion at all. The evidence is in Obama’s lower approval ratings.

A wide-ranging study on American religious life found that more Americans say they have no religion at all. Which is weird because every time most Americans check their 401(k) they say: “Oh God!”

GOP Rep. Patrick McHenry said Monday that the party’s goal is to bring down the approval numbers for Speaker Nancy Pelosi and for House Democrats. Democrats immediately responded that they don’t need Republicans; Pelosi is doing a fine job bringing her numbers down all by herself. But thanks for your help.

Rhianna is back in the recording studio preparing to record her next project. Apparently, she was to record as many song as possible, because if she continues living with Chris Brown, she wants to be ready to sell as many albums as 2Pac.

There's a nationwide shortage of nurses. Apparently, doctors complained they are tired of having sex with same ones.

The tongue of the chief coffee taster for a worldwide chain of coffee shops has been insured for almost $14 million. Still, not even close to what Ellen has paid to insure Portia’s tongue.

According to some doctors from the Cleveland Clinic, men who have sex three times a week are 50% less likely to suffer a stroke or a heart attack… unless your wife catches you doing it with the maid.

March 9th 2009

US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton gave her Russian counterpart a red "reset button" to symbolize improved ties, but the word "reset" was mistranslated into the Russian for “overcharge”. Apparently, Hillary did the translation herself with the help of her Russian friend Smirnoff.

US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton gave her Russian counterpart a red "reset button" to symbolize improved ties, but the word "reset" was mistranslated into the Russian for “overcharge”. Hillary could have asked any of Palin’s neighbors to help her with the translation.

A couple was kicked out of an adults-only nudist resort in Mossman, Australia, for wearing clothes. Apparently, there were complaints because most of the naked people were getting aroused.

Barack Obama gave the Prime Minister of England, Gordon Brown, a box set of 25 classic American films as a present. You can see the relations with England are not as good as when Bush was the president because the 25 classics included "The Love Guru" and a couple of Paris Hilton movies.

The White House hosted a summit for successful young business leaders. The economy is so bad, only a couple of kids that own a lemonade stand showed up.

Americans lost 1 hour on Sunday Due to Daylight-saving. Actually, two if you watched “Celebrity Apprentice”.

The economy is so bad that for daylight saving the government could afford to save only 30 minutes instead of an hour.

This Sunday morning, Americans had to move their clocks forward 1 hour. Rapper Flavor Flav has not finished yet.

Two junior high school teachers in Utah are accused of having sex with the same 13-year-old student. Isn’t that a sign of the bad economy? Teachers cannot afford their own students and now have to share.

A 21-year-old woman accused of kicking an officer Thursday morning reportedly also urinated all over a patrol vehicle. Apparently, she was booked for attacking a police officer and booked for the next R Kelly video.

One third of Americans say they are losing sleep because of the economy. And those are the ones with jobs; they cannot afford to sleep at work anymore because they have to watch their backs all the time to avoid getting fired.

A man was arrested at a Spanish airport after it was found his broken leg was supported by a "cast" made out of cocaine. The police suspected there was something wrong with his leg when they saw Amy Whinehouse humping it like a dog.

A sex patch designed for women has failed to boost their level of desire. The manufacturers will try with a new design that is not likely to fail and will boost the women’s desire. Apparently, they will make the patch resembling a $100 bill.

Federal Communications Commission officials and deputies from the Orange County Sheriff's gang unit busted a pirate radio station they say was reportedly broadcasting information on where to buy drugs. Apparently, instead of the traffic report the station was giving the trafficking report.

Federal Communications Commission officials and deputies from the Orange County Sheriff's gang unit busted a pirate radio station they say was reportedly broadcasting information on where to buy drugs. They suspected there was something unusual with the station because they noticed it would play Amy Winehouse 24/7.

Federal Communications Commission officials and deputies from the Orange County Sheriff's gang unit busted a pirate radio station they say was reportedly broadcasting information on where to buy drugs. They suspected there was something unusual with the station because it had tons of advertisers.

According to a recent survey, nearly four-in-ten Americans have never left the place in which they were born. The other 6 were force to go back because due to the bad economy they have to live with their parents.

Rhianna is back in the recording studio preparing to record her next project. Rumors are, the album is not going to be good; obviously Rhianna doesn’t want another hit.

An escaped prisoner has been arrested in the US state of Georgia after guards caught him trying to sneak back into the jail. Apparently, he got a look at the newspapers and decided he was better off inside.

The economy is so bad, Michael Jackson can’t even afford one glove anymore.

The economy is so bad, I even saw Kevin Federline looking for a job.

March 6th 2009

Friday leftovers! Have a great weekend. Pedro
pedrobartes@hotmail.com

The New York Times published an article about how Obama is going gray. Today, Democrats added 100 billion dollars to the stimulus package to use on "Just for Men".

The New York Times published an article about how Obama is going gray. Unlike Biden, who just bought his hair that way.

The New York Times published an article about how Obama is going gray. Today, Keith Olberman confirmed that the carpet matches the drapes.

The New York Times published an article about how Obama is going gray. Everybody seems concerned, even radical Republicans; I think I heard some of them saying they want him to die… I guess his hair…

According to a study of the University of South Florida, Sarah Palin’s hotness could be to blame for the defeat she suffered with running mate John McCain in the 2008 election. The study is faulty, because Hillary lost as well.

A South Carolina technical college student was arrested after authorities said a gun went off in his pocket during class. Teachers suspended him; they want students to keep their guns loaded for when they spend time together.

Joe the Plumber is suing three former state officials in Ohio claiming he suffered emotional distress, harassment, humiliation after they shared his personal information in a records search. Ironically, emotional distress is what the 3 people that read his book felt so he might be sued as well.

Reporters say that Obama doesn’t go anywhere without his TelePrompter. The other day, Michelle complained that he even takes it to bed and reads lines from Ron Jeremy movies.

President Obama put a swing set on the south grounds of the White House for his kids Wednesday. Today, a jealous president Bush asked if it is possible to change the constitution so could become president again.

The Beatles version of Rock Band will debut on September 9. It is a great game, apparently to advance to the second level you have to kill Yoko Ono.

Michael Jackson announced his long-awaited comeback on Thursday, and named his tour "This is it". Actually, after seeing what he looks like now, I believe the tour is called "This is IT".

Dr. Sanjay Gupta, CNN's chief medical correspondent, has withdrawn his name from consideration as surgeon general of the United States. Apparently, when he took a look at Biden and Pelosi, he realized how much work he was going to have to do.

Sanja Gupda turned down the cabinet nomination from obama becuase he's hoping to be cast by danny boyle in his new sequal slumdog general.

Researchers from the University of Exeter in the UK have found that an athlete's on-field performance can actually be improved just by having family in the stands. It is true, when A-Rod has his cousin around, he gets a lot better.

March 5th 2009

A Massachusetts Wal-Mart customer shopping for a wallet found 10 human teeth inside one. Wal-Mart is smart; they know the economy is so bad that people can’t afford the entire denture.

A Massachusetts Wal-Mart customer shopping for a wallet found 10 human teeth inside one. And none inside some of the customer’s mouth.

A Massachusetts Wal-Mart customer shopping for a wallet found 10 human teeth inside one. And now we know where the Tooth Fairy shops.

A California woman dining with her husband at a Boston restaurant said she was shocked when the identifier "Older Couple" appeared on their credit card receipt. Maybe the fact they asked the waiter to chew the food for them confused the restaurant.

A California woman dining with her husband at a Boston restaurant said she was shocked when the identifier "Older Couple" appeared on their credit card receipt. This is the last time we come to this restaurant said Barbara Walters.

According to TMZ, the Octomom is trying to sell the videotape showing her giving birth to her 8 babies. Some people who saw the video were not excited and said that the entire thing looks like a clown’s car.

According to TMZ, the Octomom is trying to sell the videotape showing her giving birth to her 8 babies. Not only that, yesterday she put on E-bay the 8 umbilical cords all tied together and is selling it as a bungee jump cord.

A new poll from Rasmussen Reports reveals that 81 % of Republicans don’t view Rush Limbaugh as their leader. And today 81% of Republicans called Rush to his show to apologize.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown met with President Obama to devise a Global New Deal to provide food, supplies and prosperity to people in every country. Shouldn’t we start with this country first?

A woman called 911 three times because McDonalds ran out of chicken McNuggets. Apparently she was waiting in line right behind Michael Moore.

Star magazine is hinting that Rhianna and Chris Brown got already married. Apparently the something blue she wore for the wedding was the bruises in her face.

Star magazine is hinting that Rhianna and Chris Brown got already married because they saw a minister entering the mansion where they both were staying in Miami. Not to be pessimistic but knowing Chris Brown, the minister could have been called to give the final rites.

Jennifer Aniston spent more than $50,000 to do her hair while she was promoting a movie in Europe. $50, 000 for the hair? even John Edwards went Gee!!!

The Death with Dignity law will take effect Thursday in Washington State. I lost my job, my home was foreclosed, my wife is working the streets to get some money for food . . . What dignity are we talking about?

Rhianna and Chris Brown are back together. Not everything is bad for Rhianna; at least she is going to get sunglasses endorsement.

Researchers from the University of Exeter in the UK have found that an athlete's on-field performance can actually be improved just by having friends and family in the stands. And you thought the NBA has already enough fights, can you imagine when the mistresses and wives meet during a game?

Researchers from the University of Exeter in the UK have found that an athlete's on-field performance can actually be improved just by having friends and family in the stands. What guarantees NBA games will always be sold out.

March 4th 2009

A U.S. fertility clinic will allow would-be parents to choose their child's sex, eye color, hair color and skin color. “This one will look just like your father and not like the pool boy,” said my mom today.

The drought is so bad in some areas of California that people are begging to get waterboarded.

President Obama said he’s bringing the troops back from Iraq. Apparently, to have an easier time adjusting they are going to land first in Detroit.

John McCain's daughter claims her father's run affected her personal love life. “Exactly the opposite happened to me,” said Bill Clinton. “When Hillary was campaigning, I had a lot of love.”

The gas behind the foul smell of rotten eggs could be used to create a new Viagra, scientists claimed today. Weird… because the rotten fish smell usually causes the opposite reaction.

The gas behind the foul smell of rotten eggs could be used to create a new Viagra, scientists claimed today. Does it mean New Jersey men are always horny?

According to the "New York Times", 82% of all American workers laid-off in the past 12 months are men. Most female workers don’t get laid off because the get laid instead.

The Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors will pass a resolution making the first week of March “No Cussing Week”. I guess Democrats won’t be able to listen to Rush during that week.

The Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors will pass a resolution making the first week of March “No Cussing Week”. I guess nobody in LA will be allowed to check their 401(k).

An airline passenger opened the cabin door and jumped off the plane shortly after landing at the Dallas airport. I guess the charging passengers for the bathroom will make us see more of this.

An airline passenger opened the cabin door and jumped off the plane shortly after landing at the Dallas airport. It was actually the pilot who didn’t want to miss the happy hour at that bar.

Today, president Obama said that buying stocks could be a good deal. It’d better be; we just bought 36% of City Bank stocks.

Rhianna and Chris Brown are back together. Not everything is bad for Rhianna; at least she is going to get a sunglasses endorsement.

A Russian man died after downing a bottle of Viagra to have sex with two women. His family was sad, but there was a big smile in the two women, the maid and the cat’s faces.

A Russian man died after downing a bottle of Viagra to have sex with two women. The family was forced to have an open casket funeral.

Police in Sweden said a 64-year-old woman was arrested for allegedly stealing dozens of newspapers to win money by completing the crossword puzzle. What’s a four letter word for slammer? Ahh! Jail!

Southwest Airlines has an image of supermodel wearing a bikini painted on the side of one of their planes. Shouldn’t that be more appropriate for US Airways, after all the bikini goes with the water landing…

March 3rd 2009

According to researchers from Harvard Business School, the state with the highest number of porn subscribers is Utah. I guess when you start getting tired of wife number nine you need to resort to a different kind of stimulation.

According to researchers from Harvard Business School, the states with the highest number of porn subscribers voted Republicans. And today Democrats demanded a recount.

According to researchers from Harvard Business School, the states with the highest number of porn subscribers voted Republicans. Ironically, most of those red states are against the stimulus package.

Some of the 1,300 women that attended the "Running of the Brides" event at Filene's Basement in New York City were trampled by the crowd. It is not that bad; you know that the something blue they'll have for the wedding will be the bruises.

The publisher of Penthouse magazine says he might close the magazine down. Apparently, Penthouse was another victim of foreclosure.

Capt. Chesley Sullenberger, who safely landed US Airways Flight 1549 in New York's Hudson River, will fly again soon. Sully said he's taken all the preventive measurements to avoid a crash. Apparently, he added a scarecrow on top of one the engines and wrapped the other with chicken wire.

The gas behind the foul smell of rotten eggs could be used to create a new Viagra, scientists claimed today. And you thought it was difficult to convince your wife to Lewinsky you before . . .

March 2nd 2009

According to Nielsen Media Research, Fox News’ ratings went up 28 percent since the beginning of the year. You know that in time of serious economic crisis people tend to search for comedy.

Illusionists Siegfried and Roy and the Bengal tiger that ended their careers shared the stage again Saturday. And yet people have the nerves to criticize Rhianna for going back to Chris Brown.

Illusionists Siegfried and Roy and the Bengal tiger that ended their careers shared the stage again Saturday. The magicians claim they are going to play safe and from now onwards they’ll do the routine with a big chimp.

Illusionists Siegfried and Roy and the Bengal tiger that ended their careers shared the stage again Saturday. And you know that the tiger was more drugged than Joaquin Phoenix visiting Letterman.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger on Friday declared a state of emergency due to drought. Things got so bad that now bigots have started to complain about the dry backs.

Ryanair Airlines contemplates charging customers to use its aircrafts' toilets. We all saw it coming: No more Doodie Free . . .

Ryanair Airlines contemplates charging customers to use its aircrafts' toilets. They’d better charge for the sick bags as well, because you know passengers will end up using them to avoid paying for the restrooms.

Ryanair Airlines contemplates charging customers to use its aircrafts' toilets. Prices might vary: $1.40 for number one and number two, and $50 for mile high club.

Police in Kettering, Ohio, say that a 39-year-old woman admitted that she was driving while breastfeeding her newborn baby. Police confirmed their suspicion after they gave the baby the BREASTalizher . . .

An Ohio woman was ticketed for breast feeding and talking on her cell phone while driving. And the worst part was that she was on the phone commenting with a friend the movie she was watching in the DVD player of the car.

A Utah Senate committee has approved a bill that would make it illegal to appear drunk. And today Joaquin Phoenix cancelled his trip to Utah.

Florida is using magnets taped to the heads of crocodiles to keep them out of residential neighborhoods. The other day I found two stuck to my fridge.

Florida is using magnets taped to the heads of crocodiles to keep them out of residential neighborhoods. Now, if you have a metal plate in any part of your body, you’re screwed.

President Barack Obama sat courtside at a basketball game Friday between his hometown team, the Chicago Bulls, and the Washington Wizards. Rumors are he was not taking a break; apparently, Obama was looking among the players for someone to be in charge of the Planned Parenthood program.