October 31st 2006

Midterm Elections
In the heat of the midterm elections several candidates brought to light books their rivals wrote which contained pornographic related topics. Apparently the Playboy channel secured the rights for the 2008 presidential debate.

Another hunting season is underway in some parts of the US. Vice president Dick Cheney has not yet prepared the list of Republican friends that will join him for his first hunting trip; he is just waiting to see who loses in the upcoming elections.

Democrats claim they are not intimidated by the promoted final 72 hour-push Karl Rove said will determine the GOP victory in the upcoming elections. In fact Democrats are so confident, they are promoting the 96 hour-push, because it will probably take them 96 hours to roll Dennis Hastert’s huge ass out of the Speaker-of-the-House chair.

Voting Machines
The U.S. government is investigating an Oakland company that makes touch-screen voting machines because it may have ties to Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez. Apparently what raised suspicions was the fact that the screen was divided in two and said: For Democrats push "Heaven", for Republicans push "Hell."

Immigration
Secretary Michael Chertoff announced yesterday that the number of illegals crossing the border has declined almost 35% in the past year. Coincidentally adoption of foreign babies by celebrities has increased almost 35%.

Secretary Michael Chertoff announced yesterday that the number of illegals crossing the border has declined almost 35% in the past year, what makes you wonder: Should we be happy that even starving people from very poor countries don’t want to live here anymore?

In other News
According to a recent study, diets based on fewer calories can drastically slow the aging process. It is a little known fact that Nicole Richie is actually 120 years old.

Katie Couric claims that despite her third-place ranking among the major three network newscasts, she is feeling great and having a great time. Apparently she made those comments while swimming in a pool full of money out her last check.

October 30th 2006

Hi there, I know most of you guys don't give a d.... about soccer but today happens to be the birthday of the best soccer player of all times, a magician with the soccer ball, someone that gave my country moments of happiness when everything was going down hill so "Happy Birthday Diego Maradona!!! Today is also MY BIRTHDAY, and I wish I inherited some of his talent with the soccer ball because I don't think I would be writing jokes if that was the case.......

Midterm Elections
According to a recent study, in the last 2 weeks, 90% of the money used in the latest political campaign was destined to run negative ads. Ironically those are the ads the candidates used to describe themselves.

President Bush yesterday yelled himself hoarse in his first public political rally of the 2006 election campaign. Some Republican candidates believe his chances of winning have now improved tenfold.

Halloween
This past weekend, due to Halloween, most f the TV channels aired scary programs. NBC showed Friday the 13th, ABC aired Psycho and C-Span aired a debate between two political candidates running for the midterm elections.

This Halloween political candidates won’t stop their political campaigns and will continue to rally to try to conquer the American vote. Some superstitious Republican candidates will be careful though not to say the word Bush 3 times in front of a mirror because the president might show up.

Iraq
A government audit of the military's weaponry has found that 14,030 weapons that were purchased for Iraqi security forces are missing. Some security officials suspect they ended up in the hands of some high school kids in America.

In other news...
New Scientist reported on a condition Tuesday called "sexsomnia" where people demand sex while they are asleep. It shouldn’t be a big problem unless you happen to nap at work.

October 29th 2006

Germs
With more and more politicians shaking hands for the upcoming midterm elections , hand sanitizers products have become the most common germ killers during their political campaigns. Apparently voters know the danger of shaking hands with those who have them very dirty.

Immigration
Hurricane Paul approached Mexico's west coast from the Pacific with winds going at a hundred miles an hour. When Hurricane Paul got to the Mexican coast, it bought a Mexican sombrero, a margarita, and hired Hurricane Juan and Hurricane Jose to start blowing .

President Bush signed a bill Thursday authorizing 700 miles of new fencing along the U.S.-Mexico border improving the chances for the National Mexican team of Poll-vaulting in the Beijing 2008 Olympics.

Shark
Tommy Johnson, the tuba player whose ominous notes put teeth into the shark theme for the movie "Jaws," died . Rumor has it he was killed by a stingray.

Elections
The latest Associated Press-AOL News poll found that middle-class voters are embracing the Democratic Party and fleeing the GOP. Republicans were shocked by this poll because they thought by now they have totally destroyed the middle class in America.

October 27th 2006

George Allen
Senator George Allen unleashed a press release late Thursday that shows excerpts of Jim Webb’s books in which the Virginia candidate wrote graphic underage sex scenes. By Friday morning the book became a best seller with the tons of orders they got from congress.

In other news
According to a new study by University College London, last year, 16% of men under the age of 70 had absolutely no sex. In a written statement Paris Hilton said she is working hard to reduce that number.

You know what’s Democrats favorite TV show? "Project Cut and Runway."

Republicans ran a TV ad saying that candidate Harold Ford Jr. attended a party at the playboy mansion and was interested in women. Apparently a straight candidate nowadays seems preposterous.

According to a list compiled by AskMen.com, George Clooney is the No. 1 man's man. Hilary Clinton came in close second.

October 26th 2006

Michael J Fox Ad
During his radio show, Rush Limbaugh imitated how Michael J Fox shook during a political ad. Paramedics had to be called to the studio because Limbaugh has never exercised that hard in his entire life.

During a press conference yesterday, President Bush said that despite the struggle, we are winning the war in Iraq. Several reporters suspect that he, like Michael J Fox, could be off his medication.

Gay Marriage
New Jersey's highest court opened the door Wednesday to allow gay marriage. Apparently it opened the back door.

Stuck in vending Machine
A three-year-old boy in Wisconsin crawled into a vending machine and got stuck. Madonna passed by and bought another baby for less than a dollar.

A three-year-old boy in Wisconsin crawled into a vending machine and got stuck. Apparently Michael Jackson ordered some of those machines for his Neverland Ranch.

Mel Gibson
According to a Lebanese newspaper, two Israeli F-16 warplanes fired shots as well as anti-missile defense against a German vessel that was patrolling Lebanon’s water as part of the UN force in the Arab country. Mel Gibson couldn’t help it and sarcastically smiled about it.

Hurricane Paul
Hurricane Paul approached Mexico's west coast from the Pacific Monday with winds going at a hundred miles an hour. The high winds blew hundred of Mexicans to this side of the border.

New York Bathroom
Men who live as women can now legally use women's rest rooms in New York's transit system. Hundred of women have already complained about wet lids.

October 25th 2006

Hey there, a friend of mine, Kaci, a talented comedian, participated in a great project and could be my ticket to Hollywood (she doesn't know that). She (I) need your vote. PLease go to www.jibjab.comto the section called "The Great Sketch experiment" and vote for the one called "Tom & Tina" . By way Kaci is not only funny but really hot.....thanks......

Free Press
According to the group Reporters Without Borders, the U.S. fell from the 17th to the 53rd position in the ranking of countries in terms of media freedom. The report was released several months ago, but it was censored until yesterday.

According to the group "Reporters Without Borders," Iran and Saudi Arabia are the worse countries in the world in terms of freedom of press. Unfortunately nobody in those countries will ever get to know this.

Mark Foley
Reporters confirmed that former congressman Mark Foley will leave rehab on the first days of November. Apparently doctors scheduled the release after Halloween so the congressman won’t fall off the wagon tempted with all the kids going trick or treating.

Michael J Fox
Radio host Rush Limbaugh claimed that actor Michael J Fox purposefully stayed out of his Parkinson medication to shoot an ad asking people to vote for the Democrats. The argument has some validity because if there’s someone that knows about drugs, that person is Rush Limbaugh.

In a powerful TV commercial ran during the World Series, actor Michael J Fox shakes uncontrollably while asking people to vote for the Democrats because they do not oppose stem cell research. Other candidates also showed up shaking in various TV ads, but it was just because they are afraid people will notice they are lying.

Dennis Hastert
U.S House Speaker Dennis Hastert testified yesterday for nearly three hours before the House Ethics Committee on the Mark Foley scandal. When he left the meeting, Hastert immediately summoned a press conference and begged for a sandwich.

Bush
In an interview with CNBC, President Bush said he uses the program Google Earth to look at his ranch while wishing he was there. Some republicans and democratic candidates want to make that wish a permanent reality.

October 24th 2006

Hey there, a friend of mine, Kaci, a talented comedian, participated in a great project and could be my ticket to Hollywood (she doesn't know that). She (I) need your vote. PLease go to www.jibjab.com
to the section called "The Great Sketch experiment" and vote for the one called "Tom & Tina" . By way Kaci is not only funny but really hot.....thanks......

Halloween
Halloween is just around the corner and companies have already started making millions selling scary costumes and masks. So far this year the most sold product is the Nancy Pelosi mask which horrifies Democrats and Republicans alike.

Hillary
Sen. Hillary Clinton's GOP challenger claims the former first lady used to be ugly, and had spent millions of dollars on plastic surgery to improve her appearance. Apparently Hillary ran out of money when the time came to start working on her ankles.

Kenny Rogers
Detroit Tiger Kenny Rogers used some illegal dirt on his pitching hand to facilitate a victory in game 3 of the World Series. It seems Rogers has learned a lot from the latest political campaign.

Google
In an interview on CNBC, President Bush said that he doesn’t e-mail that much, but uses Google to pull up maps. Unfortunately the president never looked for the map of Iraq to find an exit.

Oprah
Madonna will be on "Oprah" to talk about her recent adoption of a 13-month old African child named David. Apparently at the end of the show Oprah will be giving away African kids to everyone in the audience. “You get a kid! You get a kid! You get a Kid too!”

Priests
The second of two Florida priests charged with spending church money on gambling trips, rare coins and a girlfriend has surrendered to authorities. The Vatican says the priest has serious chances to become the future pope as none the accusations involved any kids.

Economy
Republican strategists can’t seem to make the economy the main issue in these upcoming elections surrounded by scandals and allegations of all sorts. Maybe if the GOP finds a way to trade the sex scandals in the Dow Jones the media would pay more attention.

Elections
With the election set for two weeks from today, officials have started preparations by testing the city’s voting machines. Democrat’s allegations of fraud regarding electronic voting has quieted as Mark Foley, one of the few Republicans that knew about computers, is in rehab.

October 23rd 2006

Iraq
A bomb rigged to a bicycle tore through a crowded outdoor market south of Baghdad on Saturday, killing at least 18 people. That tells you how bad things are going in Iraq that even Iraqis cannot afford gas for a car bomb.

Saddam
Saddam Hussein will be sentenced on November 5 and probably executed on the 6th, just one day before Election Day. Apparently Republicans want to clean the fire squad schedule before the elections in case they lose and need to use it with some of their own people.

Wesley Snipes
Hollywood star Wesley Snipes, wanted in the United States for dodging millions of dollars in taxes, is filming a new movie in Namibia where there’s no extradition. According to the actor’s manager the name of the movie Snipes is shooting "The One Hundred Year War" and the actor will probably also stay to film the sequel.

Midterm Elections
This weekend the hope of victory arouse among GOP strategists of a midterm election defeat that seemed inevitable. Republicans strategists believe that if the Auckland Raiders could win, anything is possible.

Vice President Dick Cheney has been touring the country helping Republican candidates raise millions of dollars in fundraisers. People are willing to pay thousands of dollars for a chance to insult the vice president face to face.

Books
Republican Bill Crozier, a candidate for Oklahoma suggests that students can defend themselves from school shooters by using thick used textbooks to stop bullets fired at them. President Bush is willing to donate his entire library.

Republican Bill Crozier, a candidate for Oklahoma suggests that students can defend themselves from school shooters by using thick used textbooks to stop bullets fired at them. Most Republicans suggested the use of Bob Woodward’s book as a shield and if it possible with the author as well.

Barred troops
Thousands of U.S. troops are barred from being shipped out because they're deep in debt and the military’s believed to be vulnerable to bribery and treason. Now we understand why the Bush administration is working so hard in improving the economy, we need more soldiers to invade Iran.

Thousands of U.S. troops are barred from being shipped out because they're deep in debt and the military’s believed to be vulnerable to bribery and treason. Maybe we could use the same common sense for congress.

October 22nd 2006

Gray’s Anatomy
In an effort to quiet unnecessary rumors about his sexuality, "Grey's Anatomy" star T.R. Knight admitted he's gay. Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert summoned a press conference to say he did not know about it.

In an effort to quiet unnecessary rumors about his sexuality, "Grey's Anatomy" star T.R. Knight admitted he's gay. Now the other members of the show understand why he always offered himself when it came to shooting episodes on prostate exams.

Politics
Republican officials now concede they could lose several seats in the House. But even when they admit defeat you can see Karl Rove genius strategy behind this admission because most of the officials say they are going to lose "9 or 11" seats.

Congress
According to a Wall Street Journal poll only sixteen percent of Americans approve of the job Congress is doing. Their job record is so poor that even after the Foley’s sex scandal the great majority of Americans would dare turn their back on congressmen.

Invisible
Scientists from Duke University have designed the first-ever working invisibility cloak. It was already ordered by the Bush administration to make the Foley’s sex scandal disappear .

Scientists from Duke University have designed the first-ever working invisibility cloak. The same one that Nicole Richie has been wearing for the last couple of years.

Britney
According to "Us Weekly" Britney Spears has already lost 26 pounds. It seems the baby when out for a drive again and has not come back.

October 20th 2006

NBC Cuts
NBC Universal said Thursday it would cut 700 jobs. Apparently the new show "1 against 100" is now called “1 against 42,” they just fired the rest

Have you seen the NBC show "Fear Factor?” It is about NBC employees being called to the HR department.

NBC Universal said Thursday it would cut 700 jobs. The budget cuts have already forced some changes in NBC: the new show Friday Night Lights will be shot on Friday Mornings to save energy.

NBC Universal said Thursday it would cut 700 jobs. Apparently the show "America’s Got Talent" has changed to "Mexicans also Got Talent, and are a lot cheaper.”

NFL Threat
According to the Department of Homeland Security Seven National Football League facilities are the targets of a terrorist threat on the Internet. Officials immediately looked at the possibility of Terrel Owens being used as a suicide bomber.

Chubbies
According to the World Health Organization, the world just hit a new milestone: one billion chubbies. Working on hitting one chubby this weekend? Bill Clinton

October 19th 2006

I just wanna say thank you to my fried Ken, from Newsday who considered one of my jokes for his great page in the paper, I really appeciate it, it made my day, well actually the week. (it would be the month but last Saturday I played Hal Blaine's Congas in front of 1500 people, for real!!!!)Thanks Ken.....

http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun204938745oct19,0,2784673.story

Enemy Combatants....
President Bush signed a law Tuesday giving him power to declare any American an enemy combatant without rights. The article made the front page of the “New-York-Times-To-Kiss-Bush’s-Ass.”

President Bush signed a law Tuesday giving him power to declare any person in this country, American or non-American, an enemy combatant without rights. For those who complained about Bush discriminating against some people, when it comes to stripping people off their rights, Bush is an equalizer....

Nuclear Bomb
Not many Americans seem to be concerned with the nuclear tests conducted by North Korea. The only blow Americans are worried about now is if Democrats blow the midterm elections.....

Halloween
President Bush is thinking of asking congress for a special bill to cancel Halloween this year, because 2 scary days in just seven days can kill Dick Chenney.

McCain
During an interview, Senator John McCain joked about committing suicide if the Democrats win the election. Immediately after those comments some Republicans decided to vote for the Democrats and gladly bought him a gun.

Congress
75 percent of respondents to a CNN poll said Congress is out of touch. The other 25 percent were Congressional Pages.

In other News...
According to a new study by the Brookings Institution's Brown Center on Education Policy, the more real-life examples teachers use to teach math in class, the dumber their students turn out to be. Apparently most students that learned fractions with the Pizza example now deliver pizzas for Pizza Hut

Las Vegas casino resort developer Steve Wynn inadvertently put a hole in a Picasso painting he agreed a day earlier to sell for $139 million. A hole worth so much money, only Rush Limbaugh can beat that.

October 18th 2006

Mark Foley
Disgraced former Congressman Mark Foley, who claimed he was sexually abused by a Roman Catholic clergyman when he was a teen, will reveal the man's identity to the Archdiocese of Miami, his attorney said Tuesday. Some Republicans suggested the name of the abuser was Father "Bill O’ Clinton."

Disgraced former Congressman Mark Foley will visit the Archdiocese of Miami to reveal the name of the clergyman Foley claims abused him when he was a teen. Apparently during the meeting the former congressman and some priests will exchange ideas on how to prevent abuse of kids and exchange pictures and videos of teen pages.

Some political reporters claim that the Foley scandal is not a novelty and that congress has a long tradition of messing up with teen pages. This tradition goes so far back that the Congressional pages used to be known as "Congressional Papyrus."

Radio Hosts
President Bush met yesterday with a group of conservative radio hosts in the Oval Office. The meeting lasted more than expected not for the interesting conversation, but because when it came time for the picture none of the radio hosts wanted to pose on Bush’s left side.

President Bush met today with a group of conservative radio hosts in the Oval Office. These fearless reporters were not intimidated by the presence of their leader and asked tough questions throughout the entire meeting like: Mr. President, do you like your coffee black? Or ......sugar Mr. President?

Mike Tyson
Mike Tyson wants to have a boxing match against a female middle-weight boxer. He is thinking of training with someone that has experience fighting women, Bobby Brown.

Scholarships
75% of parents are not saving enough money to send their kids to college because they think their children are good enough to get a scholarship. The other 25 % are not saving money either, but rather because they are counting on the settlement money after they sue a high school teacher for having sex with their kids.

In other news...
Some Muslim taxi drivers in Chicago oppose to transporting passengers carrying alcohol of any sort because their faith strictly forbids that. Others simply oppose of passengers with alcohol because they are afraid Mel Gibson might ask for a ride.

The non-profit Swiss foundation called "New7Wonders" is taking votes on the new Seven Wonders of the World. So far heading the wonders list: "I wonder why the heck we invaded Iraq"

According to a new book about Hillary Clinton, democrats are concerned about her chances to win the next elections because there are rumors Bill Clinton is cheating again. When Hilary was asked about these rumors, she said: I didn’t even know he’d ever stopped.

October 17th 2006

Mark Foley
With only 3 weeks for the midterm elections, the GOP finally got the Foley scandal off the front pages. Unfortunately Foley is now on the back of a page.

After the Foley scandal several conservatives wrote books to prove they are still the party of moral values, but to avoid problems with pages, they are only releasing audio books.

Libya is buying laptop computers for all 1.2 million of their schoolchildren. Mark Foley has been seen in rehab with a book of "Arabic for Dummies."

Democrats
During a TV interview, President Bush said that Democrats criticize everything and, when it comes to his administration, Democrats always see the glass half empty… Especially the Kennedy’s.

GOP strategy
Rhode Island will vote to allow felons to have the right to vote when they leave prison. Apparently Republicans want to guarantee their success in the 2012 elections.

With the midterm elections around the corner, Republican strategists decided to pull the money out of places where they are losing, and invest it where they still have chances to win. If they are going to pull the money out of places with no chances to win, shouldn’t they stop using the money in Iraq then?

Steve Lyons
Baseball announcer Steve Lyons was fired by Fox Sports for racially insensitive comments he made during a game when he suggested Lou Piniella might want to steal his wallet because he had Latino heritage. He should not worry anymore, now that he was fired; neither Latinos nor anybody else cares about his wallet.

300 million
The US population will hit the historic milestone of 300 million Tuesday. This is seen as an accomplishment by the Bush administration, because if more people live in this country we can, in the future, divide the huge fiscal deficit in more parts.

October 16th 2006

300 million
America's population will hit 300 million on Tuesday morning. You know who is also going to hit 300 million pretty soon? Heather Mills after the divorce.....

America's population will hit 300 million on Tuesday morning. Confetti and balloons have been arranged at the border with Mexico to welcome the lucky one.

TV
The TV show "Heroes" has turned into one of this fall season’s TV hits. NBC named the show "Heroes" because it is one of the few programs with decent ratings on that network

Bribes
GOP Congressman Bob Ney pleaded guilty Friday to taking bribes and dinners, sports tickets and cash for political favors. He said he expects to be pardoned by President Bush, after all the sport Tickets he got were for the New York Yankees.

Politics
Despite widespread panic in the Republican establishment about the coming midterm elections, President Bush and Karl Rove are very confident the GOP is going to do well in the next elections. Unfortunately this time other Republicans do not trust their instincts because they also overheard Rove say the Raiders are favorites to win the Superbowl.

If the Democrats win enough seats in the midterm elections, Nancy Pelosi could be the first female speaker of the house in history. The GOP is already strategizing to build a bridge with Democrats for after the elections; they foresee how difficult it is going to be to make a female speaker of the house shut up

The Pentagon announced Thursday it is planning to keep the U.S. troops in Iraq for at least another four years and the withdrawal will be in tear drops. The Bush administration is really worried: Every time a general comes back, they turn their back on Bush; if all the troops come back together there could be a coup.

October 15th 2006

Kim John Il
After North Korean dictator Kim John Il had its first nuclear test, leaders of the most powerful countries in the world are doing anything they can to prevent him from entering the "Club of nuclear weapon powers". So far the only solution: a sign at the door that reads "You have to be this tall to get in"

The United States proposed stringent U.N. sanctions against North Korea, including a trade ban on military and luxury items, like food and toilet paper.

Illegal Immigrants
Thirty illegal immigrants were found in a vehicle that had been made up to look like a U.S. Border Patrol transport van, authorities said. Officials suspected immediately that the van was fake because it was a low rider and the speakers were blasting "La Cucaracha."

Thirty illegal immigrants were found in a vehicle that had been made up to look like a U.S. Border Patrol transport van, authorities said. Officials suspected immediately they were fake border patrol agents because there aren’t so many agents working along the entire border.

Iraqi Channel
Suspected Shiite militiamen broke into a television station in Iraq and gunned down 11 Iraqi executives, producers and other staffers Thursday. Apparently the Iraqi channel had broadcast the first episode of " According to Jim"

Chess set
A Tokyo department store called Takashimaya is selling a luxury chess set with pieces modeled after Ringo Starr’s hands. The only problem: the pieces do not move that much.

October 13th 2006

The troops are going to be in Iraq until 2010, Bush is about to strip off everybody of the Habeas Corpus, both parties are spending hundred of millions of dollars in a political campaing just insulting each other, Mark Foley owns a computer... happy Friday 13th!!!!!!!!!!

Mark Foley
Former Rep. Mark Foley's aide testified yesterday before the House ethics committee. He said he knew of Mark Foley’s problems and tried to help him because he would never turn his back on him.

Runaway bride
Jennifer Wilbanks, known internationally as the "runaway bride," is suing her former fiancé John Mason and contending that he ran off with $500,000 the couple received for selling their story. John Mason was shocked by these allegations, so much so, his eyes popped out as big as the runaway bride’s.

November Surprise
According to recent polls, Democrats are favored to recapture the House of Representatives and perhaps the senate in the upcoming midterm elections. The GOP’s strategists are about to unleash a November surprise that might alter the results of the elections: President Bush will try more often to be seen with Democratic candidates.

Hip-Hop Awards
BET network announced the nominees of their first-ever Hip-Hop Awards show next month. At the same time they also announced the name of the doctors that are going to be on duty that day to cure the shootings victims.

October 12th 2006

Mark Foley
Mark Stetter, the head veterinarian at Walt Disney World's Animal Kingdom, has created a new five-foot tool that can sterilize a male elephant. Apparently the GOP requested the device to use it with all the Republican representatives starting with Mark Foley.

The Foley ‘s scandal is taking its toll on Dennis Hastert . Apparently the Speaker of the House only gained 20 lbs this week.

Since former representative Mark Foley is in rehab, he has remained sober and illiterate. He has not touched a drink or a page for a week.

GOP members are very frustrated because the media is focusing more on Mark Foley’s lurid instant messages than in the successful economy. They all agreed that next time a Republican congressman IMs a congressional page, they are not only going to tell them how horny they are, but also send a market update and the unemployment rate.

Troops
During a press conference at the Rose garden president Bush suggested we might have to bring the troops back home. Apparently the pentagon worries that if the Detroit Tigers win the world series we will need as many soldiers as possible to control the celebration.

Plane crash
Yankee pitcher Cory Lidle and his flight instructor were killed in the small plane that crashed into an apartment building in Manhattan. Immediately after that some Yankee fans started to pool money to buy Alex Rodriguez a small plane.

Yankee pitcher Cory Lidle and his flight instructor were killed in the small plane that crashed into an apartment building in Manhattan. Ironically that is the only hit a Yankee had this week.

After a small plane crashed into an apartment building in Manhattan some people immediately suspected that that crash was staged by the Bush administration to take off of the front page the Foley scandal. Unfortunately if Bush wanted people to be focusedn the crash and forget everything else, he should have chosen a Mets player to pilot the plane.

Hollywood in the news.....
Actors Isaiah Washington and Patrick Dempsey of the TV show "Grey's Anatomy" got into a violent brawl. Both of them almost died after the fight because there were no real doctors around to take care of them.

Kevin Federline will be guest starring in a episode of CSI. Producers saw great potential on him as a believable actor , after all he’s been fooling Britney Spears for a long time pretending he is not with her for the money

Tobacco giant RJ Reynolds will ban flavored fruity cigarettes also known in England as fags.

October 11th 2006

Mark Foley
Since former representative Mark Foley is in rehab, he has remained sober and illiterate. He has not touched a drink or a page for a week.

GOP members are very frustrated because the media is focusing more on Mark Foley’s lurid instant messages than in the successful economy. They all agreed that next time a Republican congressman IMs a congressional page, they are not only going to tell them how horny they are, but also send a market update and the unemployment rate.

Some doctors claim to have found the solution for Mark Foley’s perverted behavior. They advised the former Florida representative to read Bill O’ Reilly’s book, because after you read that book you feel like you do not want to touch any kind of pages again.

Fat Illegal
An illegal immigrant became jammed in a drain opening while trying to sneak in to the side of the US border. The alien claimed he got really fat on purpose to easily mingle with the American population and fool immigration officials.

An illegal immigrant became jammed in a drain opening while trying to sneak in to the side of the US border. Doctors recommended officials put the obese person on a quick diet, so immigrations followed the advice and sent the illegal back to Mexico.

Polls
According to a NY Times/CBS poll, 3% of people surveyed believe that the war in Iraq is going really well. Unfortunately most of them are Al-Qaeda members.

According to a NY Times/CBS poll, 15% of Americans can’t identify the U.S. president. They are easy to recognize, they are the only ones walking with a smile on their faces.

North Korea
For the first time since they got in power, the Bush administration believes that the best way to deal with the North Korea’s conflict is not through war and violence, but rather through peace and talk. As a gesture of love, Dick Cheney suggested sending the starving country free containers of lettuce and spinach.

Barbara Streisand
During a Barbara Streisand performance, the singer snapped and used profanity against a heckler that screamed at her during the show. Streisand suspected immediately that the person was a professional heckler because he was the only heterosexual man that attended the concert.

Human experiments
Four senior doctors at two Geriatric Hospitals were arrested yesterday on suspicion of carrying out illegal experiments on elderly patients without their consent. Apparently they experimented on Joan Rivers’ and Kenny Rogers’ faces.

October 10th 2006

Mark Foley
Some congressional workers admitted to the press that they told Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert about Foley’s lurid messages with the congressional pages almost 6 years ago. Apparently Hastert knew about this
Foley affair so long ago that the pages were still trees.

James Dobson, founder and chairman of Focus on the Family, and some Right Wing media pundits are saying that the Foley affair is just a joke. Apparently Foley was not busted but punked.

North Korea
North Korea announced Monday it had performed an underground test of an atomic bomb and its leader Kim Jong Il proclaimed that he had joined with other elite countries the "nuclear club." After looking at pictures of Kim the only club he could be a member of so far is the Hair Club for men.

The U.S. Geological Survey reported a four-point-two magnitude tremor late Sunday. It wasn’t North Korea’s nuclear test though, just Dennis Hastert happened to fall of the bed.

The Bush administration is extremely concerned with the idea of North Korean leader Kim Jong Il owning nuclear weapons. Kim is a hard person to understand and read so to negotiate with him, experts suggested someone with the same kind of head: Donald Trump.

In other news...
After the new security upgrades in airports along the country, the San Diego airport put a sign that says "no jokes, please." Apparently since then, the airport became Carlos Mencia’s favorite.

In observance of Columbus Day, most county, state and federal offices closed yesterday. Some people are skeptical about honoring with a Holiday someone that mistook India for America and killed lots of natives upon his arrival. Shouldn’t president Bush be honored with a Holiday then? He mistook Iraq for Iran and lots of innocent people died as well.

October 9th 2006

Dennis Hastert
Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert finally admitted the issue with the pages has caused him some serious problems... the pages of the diet book he bought last year and never read.

Republicans unleashed this Sunday a public defense of Speaker Dennis Hastert over the page sex scandal. Republicans are concerned that if Hastert resigns and they lose his seat, Democrats can accommodate 20 or more representatives on his chair considering the size of Hastert's ass.

George Allen
Senator George Allen might be in trouble again. The senator failed to disclose stock options from a corporate board. Apparently Allen did not say anything because he owns stocks on KFC.

Nuclear test
President Bush admitted to the press to be extremely preoccupied about North Korea’s nuclear test. Not so much for the unbalance in world power but rather because he will be forced to pronounce the word nuclear over and over in future speeches.

North Korea said it conducted an underground nuclear test on Monday. Apparently the explosion was done inside a mine so this time North Korean leader Kim Jong-il would not miss.

Fight against obesity
Five major food companies promised to promote healthier snacks for children in U.S. schools to combat child obesity in a deal brokered by former President Bill Clinton together with the American Heart association. Ironically the idea of helping the world to have skinny women in the future broke the former president’s heart.

Immigrants
According to a survey done this weekend, more and more people agree on sending back immigrants to their countries of origins. Apparently the survey was done among Yankees’ fans after they lost against Detroit.

Pelosi
Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi has repeatedly said that if Democrats win she is going to clean the house. Maybe if Pelosi starts with the contaminated lettuce and spinach she might get my vote.

October 8th 2006

Just a couple of silly jokes left from the weekend.....

Armed teachers
A Wisconsin state lawmaker is suggesting arming teachers, principals and other school personnel as a safety measure. That’s exactly what we need: armed teachers in case students reject their sexual advances....

Mark Foley
I am very happy with my Website, my pages are getting a lot of hits, unfortunately all from the same person..... Mark Foley.

Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert claimed he did not know former representative Mark Foley had a thing for congressional pages. It is hard to believe though, specially when Foley’s office was flooded with copies of "Congressional Pages Gone Wild" DVD’s

US President George W. Bush this week is expected to sign a bill making it harder to place bets on the Internet. Apparently the GOP is overly concerned with members of their party gambling their seats on instant messages.

October 6th 2006

Mark Foley
Everybody in Congress claim that they did not know disgraced congressman Mark Foley was attracted to young teens. Some of them suspected something was going on though, specially when the former representative headed previous elections campaigns driving an ice cream truck.

A rumor initiated by other comedy writers on the internet said that Mark Foley was illiterate because he was once stuck on a page for hours. To be honest I’d rather have Foley stuck on a page for hours that him licking his finger often to turn over the pages.

Bad Memory
Secretary of State Condi Rice does not remember being warned about a possible terrorist attack before 9/11. Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert does not remember being warned about Mark Foleys’ lured e-mails with congressional pages. Apparently the only thing the Bush Administration inherited from the Regan Administration was the Alzheimer.

Streisand
Barbra Streisand opened her first U.S. tour in 12 years with a show that has a skit where an actor ridicules President Bush. Now that Republican candidates don’t want Bush close to their election campaigns, the poor Bush impersonator needs to make a buck even if it means putting up with Streisand.

October 5th 2006

Mark Foley
Most people believe Speaker Dennis Hastert should resign because he was warned long ago about Foley’s relationship with pages. In fact he was informed about it so far back that the sexual conversations between the disgraced congressman and the teens were carried via smoke signals

After Foley’s scandal with the Congressional Pages, requirements for future pages that want to start working in Congress have changed. On their resume and under skills, applicants for the Pages program should write that they cannot type more than 2 words an hour and that they can’t even handle a Fax machine.

Children as shields
Congressman Tom Reynolds denied he gave a press conference surrounded by children to avoid being questioned about Mark Foley’s sex scandal. Apparently reporters refuse to attend his next press conference when he’ll be addressing the Intel report that says that there’s a civil war in Iraq, in case Reynolds gives the conference surrounded by Shiites and Sunnis.

"Commemoration of success"
In this year's defense spending bill, Congress has set aside $20 million for the "commemoration of success" in Iraq and Afghanistan. The only problem is that by the time we win the war, $20 million dollars will probably be enough to buy only 2 cans of silly string.

In this year's defense spending bill, Congress has set aside $20 million for the "commemoration of success" in Iraq and Afghanistan. By the time we win the war the money might not be enough but at least the "Mission Accomplish" banner will be still intact when we rescue it from Rumsfeld’s butt.

Fence
President George W. Bush signed a bill to give 1.2 billion dollars to build a fence along the US-Mexico border to stop the flow of illegal immigrants. According to Homeland security they are not going to start building the fence until they have enough illegals to do it.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the resident population of the country will hit 300 million sometime in mid-October. Other experts disagree and say that that number could be reached this weekend considering the long lines of illegals that are trying to cross the border before the US builds the new fence.

Fox News
Fox news channel mistakenly labeled former Representative Mark Foley a Democrat during Tuesday’s broadcast. This is not the first time Fox makes this mistake, after all they have labeled Senator Joe Lieberman a Democrat for a long time.

Car Accident
A woman in Bulgaria survived a car accident thanks to her big fake breasts that served as airbags. The woman received flowers from millions of husbands all over the world thanking her for providing men with a new excuse to ask their wives to get implants.

October 4th 2006

Mark Foley
Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert said during Rush Limbaugh’s show that he is not going to resign over Foley’s instant messages’ scandal. He is consistent with Bush’s policies of never to "fudge and Run."

Republican congressmen claim they did not know of former congressman Mark Foley’s involvement with teen pages. Everybody suspected something was going on though, especially when lobbyists were offering Foley free meals at Chucky Cheese.

Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert said during Rush Limbaugh’s show he wasn’t aware of Foley’s preference for young teens. He thought that every time Foley said "I am going to go over some pages" he was just studying some bills.

Congress approved a homeland security bill Friday that included $1.2 billion dollars to build a fence, not along the U-S Mexico border, but a fence around schools to protect teens from disgraced representative Foley.

Press Secretary Tony Snow called an immediate press conference to counteract the devastating effects that the Foley’s scandal is having on the Bush Administration. Ironically Snow begged the White house reporters to talk again about the situation in Iraq.

Oprah
Oprah has launched a new channel on XM radio. There’s no guarantee she is going to continue there because come Thanksgiving Oprah might jump to XL.

Mexican Border
Mexico asked President Bush on Monday to veto a Senate plan to build a border fence to keep illegal immigrants out. Mexicans know how to retaliate and are planning to build a fence made of school books to prevent Spring Breakers from crossing the border with Mexico.

Mexico asked President Bush on Monday to veto a Senate plan to build a border fence to keep illegal immigrants out. Apparently the president answered "No habla Español."

Gitmo
According to Navy Commander Robert Durand, the average prisoner at Guantanamo Bay has gained 20 pounds. The ACLU protested immediately because they claim this is part of Bush’s torture plan; feed the inmates with American food until their arteries explode.

Vending Machines
Some people are disturbed about a new energy drink called "Cocaine," The company has a guaranteed success if they install the first vending machines carrying the drink in congress.

In other news...
A new study published by Rice University in Houston determined that we're more likely to trust attractive people than unattractive people. So the reason I have 2 security guards on my back every time I go to Macys is not because I am Latino, but because I am ugly?

According to a Sandyford Initiative, a Scottish company that provides sexual and reproductive health services, 43% of men who pay to have sex with prostitutes have wives or girlfriends. Well, someone has to earn the money at home to pay for their vices.

October 3rd 2006

Mark Foley
US President George W. Bush this week is expected to sign a bill making it harder to place bets on the Internet. Apparently the GOP is overly concerned with one member of their party that lost his seat on the Internet playing the 16.

U.S. Rep. Mark Foley was investigated by the FBI Saturday for e-mailing teenage boys. The GOP and the Right Wing pundits had a hard time spinning this, but decided to blame the Democrats because after all it was Al Gore the one that invented the Internet.

An issue with pages is going to make it more difficult for the GOP to keep the Senate and the congress in the upcoming elections; a problem with teenage pages and the pages of Bob Woodward’s new book.

Rep. Mark Foley resigned after the revelation that he exchanged raunchy electronic messages with a page. Some political analysts don’t see this as a surprise, after all presidents Bush has been abusing the pages of the Constitution since he started.

Former Rep. Mark Foley, under FBI investigation for e-mail exchanges with teenage congressional pages, has checked himself into a rehabilitation facility for alcoholism treatment. It seems Foley was addicted to 16-year old Jack Daniels.

Terrorism
FBI officials in Washington said Sunday they worry terrorists will try to talk with organized crime in America to plot terrorist attacks. Does it mean terrorists might start calling some people in congress?

Oprah
Oprah has launched a new channel on XM radio. There’s no guarantee she is going to continue there because come Thanksgiving Oprah might jump to XL.

President Bush
President Bush and first lady Laura Bush helped plant a new tree yesterday on the north grounds of the White House. After he dug the hole to plant the tree, President Bush profited the opportunity and buried in the hole the chances to keep the senate and the congress after the Foley and Iraq’s scandals.

October 2nd 2006

Fowley
Republican congressman Mark Foley has resigned after it was discovered that he'd sent sexually suggestive e-mails to a 16-year-old boy. The congressman claimed he thought Bush’s program was called "No child’s behind left."

Republican congressman Mark Foley has resigned after it was discovered that he'd sent sexually suggestive e-mails to a 16-year-old boy. During his resignation speech Foley said that now that he is out of congress, he’ll become a teacher.

Former Rep. Mark Foley under FBI investigation for e-mail exchanges with teenage congressional pages, has checked himself into rehabilitation facility for alcoholism treatment. Apparently attending certain parties made Foley become addicted to Jesus juice.

Give me an A
An Australian computer programmer says he found the missing "a" from Armstrong's famous first words from the moon in 1969 "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." He found that Armstrong said the "a" too quickly making it inaudible. If we could not find an "a" in 37 years imagine how long is going to take us to find a set of bowels and consonants like" bin Laden"

An Australian computer programmer says he found the missing "a" from Armstrong's famous first words from the moon in 1969 "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." Apparently he found the "a" together with a C, a U and a T from the director of the video.

Saudi Fence
Saudi Arabia went ahead Wednesday with plans to build a fence along its five-hundred-mile border with Iraq. Apparently illegal immigration was getting out of control, 20 Iraqis were crossing the border in only one camel.

Saudi Arabia went ahead Wednesday with plans to build a fence along its five-hundred-mile border with Iraq.
The Saudis saw the devastated effects immigration had in America like the "Carlos Mencia" show.

Saudi Arabia has said it is pushing ahead with plans to build a 900km fence along its border with Iraq in an attempt to improve security. Apparently the Saudis are sure that Iraq has immigrants of mass destruction.

October 1st 2006

Mark Foley
Six-term Republican Rep. Mark Foley resigned following reports he sent sexually inappropriate e-mails to underage male congressional interns. Foley was running again for congress, and political experts believe what he did is known in politics as the "Seventh term itch"

Rep. Mark Foley resigned after the revelation that he exchanged raunchy electronic messages with a teenage boy . In one of the instant messages the congressman asked the boy to send a photo of himself. According to Foley he wanted to be sure the boy wasn’t an old hairy CIA agent or a reporter of the Washington Times.

Rep. Mark Foley resigned after the revelation that he exchanged raunchy electronic messages with a teenage boy, a former congressional page. On his resignation speech the congressman quote two famous contemporary politicians: I’m a gay American, and I did not have sexual relationships with that boy.

Interrogation Bill
The voting of the detainee interrogation bill brought a long discussion on the true meaning of the word torture. According to linguists the word torture has as many meanings as the word Macaca.

Republicans succeeded this week in pushing through a new detainee interrogation bill. Now that more methods of interrogations are allowed we won’t have to stick to the triangle as the only geometrical shape to pile prisoners.

Allen
Senator George Allen appeared on Fox News Channel to deny he is a racist. He claimed he never used any racial epithets and that the noose decorating his law office doesn’t have any racist meaning; he just had it there because after the macaca incident he is going to use the noose to commit electoral suicide.

Midterm Elections
Media analysts believe that the dropping in the price of gas and the market reaching its highest point in 7 years are fabricated scenarios to make people feel good before the upcoming midterm election. If things get so good before the elections, shouldn’t we have elections every month then?

Last two Fridays have been quite harmful for the political aspirations of the GOP. First an intel report saying the war in Iraq is creating more terrorists and last Friday Rep. Mark Foley resigned over explicit e-mails. Democratic strategists are thinking of passing a bill to move the weekends to Sundays and Mondays so people won’t forget so quickly what occurred on Fridays.