November 30th 2006

Africa
Africa, a continent usually synonymous with hunger, is falling prey to obesity. Governments there are really concerned about the future of the continent because, if American celebrities wanted to adopt fat kids they would do it in their own country.

Michael Richards
The newly-released "Seinfeld" Season 7 DVD experienced an increase in sales of up to 75% over the sales of Season 6 despite of Michael Richard’s racial tirade at a comedy club in LA. Apparently Seinfeld has already booked Jason Alexander and Julia Louis-Dreyfus for open mic Friday at the Laugh Factory.

Iraq
NBC News declared Monday its reporters and news anchors will begin referring to the conflict in Iraq as a civil war. CBS news and Katie Couric have been using that term for months already but nobody knows about it.

Danny Devito
Actor Danny Devito, seemingly drunk, launched into a boozy rant against President Bush while impersonating him, during his appearance in the TV show "The View". His behavior was heavily criticized, mostly by other Bush impersonators who believe using alcohol to imitate Bush is like steroids for Barry Bonds, it makes it easier.

Actor Danny Devito was heavily criticized for appearing drunk on the TV show "The View" and for making fun of president Bush. On his defense the only way you can put up with the hosts of "The View" is being heavily inebriated

The Warriors
Director Tony Scott is remaking the 1979 classic, "The Warriors" and is trying to get thousands of real gang members to sign a treaty so they can appear in the movie together. Apparently the only ones that won’t sign unless they get paid a fortune are from the most dangerous gangs: The Republicans and The Democrats.

Pope Benedict
Pope Benedict visited Turkey Tuesday and was greeted by tens of thousands of angry demonstrators. Protesters dispersed immediately when they were told the one arriving was not president Bush with a funny hat.

Women
According to a new study, women talk three times as much as men. Researchers arrived to that conclusion after watching "The View"

Nicole Kidman
"Hollywood Reporter" has named Nicole Kidman Hollywood's Highest-Paid Actress with an estimated salary of $16 million to $17 million per movie. Apparently still not enough for a tanning bed.

In Other News
A recent study reveals Conservatives donate more money to charities than Liberals, especially if we consider the campaign donations to GOP candidates in the last elections.

It is so cold that........
It is so cold out there that Michael J Fox shot an ad for the Democrats and was shaking just because of the cold weather.
It is so cold out there that Kid Rock was forced to wear a T-shirt..
It is so cold out there that even Paris Hilton cannot say "That's hot"
It is so cold out there that Angelina Jolie and Madona traveled to Africa not to adopt kids, but for the hot weather.

november 29th 2006

Fidel Castro
Festivities have begun in Havana to celebrate Fidel Castro's 80th birthday even though his actual birthday was long time ago. That shows the difference between Castro and Bush. Because President Bush did the opposite with the war in Iraq, we celebrated way before a victory.

Festivities have begun in Havana to celebrate Fidel Castro's 80th birthday. Every year Cuba celebrates Castro’s birthday with a tradition called "Black Friday" which is the day Havana’s police borrows all the candles in the city for Castro’s cake causing a forced blackout.

Iraq
According to a recent study, Americans are too much involved in the shopping season to really care about the ongoing war in Iraq. Most Americans disagree with that report claiming they are shopping for huge Hi-Def TV’s so they can have a better and more realistic picture of what’s going on in the Middle East.

Bush’s Library
President Bush plans to raise $500-million to build his presidential library. Actually the building of the library and the content might cost only a small percentage, the rest is for future fines for not having clear fire exits.

Breaking News
Breaking news.... NBC has called the so called "War on Christmas" a Civil War.

Crack Break
In Connecticut, a guy running from the police got caught after he paused for a break to smoke some crack. The cops caught up with him immediately after they were done with their donut break.

Rocky
In order to make his portrayal in the upcoming movie "Rocky Balboa" as realistic as possible, Sylvester Stallone trained like a real boxer and denied his wife of any sexual contact. Fortunately for Stallone’s wife, the young pool boy didn’t.

Women
According to a new study, women talk three times as much as men. The same study reveals men listen 1/3 as much as women.

November 28th 2006

Michael Richards
Michael Richards showed a lot of consternation for the killing of a black UPS driver shot by police after leaving his bachelor party. Richards said he is really sad because white kids might not receive their Christmas presents in time.

More and more comedians are blaming Republicans for Michael Richards’ racial tirade. They claim that since the GOP lost in the last elections comedians are forced to generate their own scandals so they can come up with new material.

Twins
The U.S. Embassy has asked the Bush twins to leave Argentina for security reasons. According to embassy officials, despite of a solid economy, there has been a rebirth of looting in Argentina. Apparently the mini bars in the rooms where the Bush’s twins stayed have been ransacked.

Pamela Anderson
Pamela Anderson has filed for divorce from Kid Rock. The former Baywatch actress claimed that she is not like Britney and won’t leave Kid empty handed as she already gave him Hepatitis C.

Immediately after Pamela Anderson filed for divorce, Kid Rock threatened his soon to be ex -wife with the release of a scandalous video they shot during their honeymoon. According to Rock, the video is extremely shocking because Pamela kept her clothes on.

Bush
President Bush refused to say there’s a civil war in Iraq despite of the escalating bloodshed in the region. During a press conference the president said it is not a civil war, just the typical and innocent Thanksgiving family beef.

In other news
Sketchy Internet reports say there's a sex tape floating around featuring Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey. In the video you can hear Jessica’s father directing the couple.

Doctors in Miami removed a 16 pound tumor from a 15-year-old Haitian girl’s face. According to experts this is the biggest tumor to be removed since Britney Spears got rid of K-Fed.

The New York Times said Sunday the Iraqi insurgency is self-financing due to all the cash from oil smuggling, kidnapping and extortion. It is nice to see that the teachings of the American Democracy are paying off.

November 27th 2006

Iran
Russia announced the sale of seven hundred million dollars in anti-aircraft missiles to Iran. The missiles were delivered Friday but Iranians will have to wait more than a month because they only paid for standard shipping.

Michael Richards
Continuing a series of public apologies, Michael Richards used a Sunday appearance on the Rev. Jesse Jackson's radio program to say he does not consider himself a racist. He promised next time to apologize in a show that is actually listened to by black people.

Dead Groom
Police fired 50 rounds Saturday at a car of unarmed men leaving a bachelor party at a strip club, killing the groom on his wedding day. After the outcry from family members, the cops played it down by saying that if they didn’t kill the groom, his wife-to-be would have done it anyways when she found out he was at a strip club.

A black 23-year-old bridegroom was shot and killed on his wedding day outside a New York strip club on Saturday after police opened fire on him and his friends. In other news, Michael Richards had a new call to serve the community as a cop.

Pinochet
Gen. Augusto Pinochet took full responsibility for the first time Saturday for the actions of his 1973-90 dictatorship, which carried out thousands of political killings, torture and illegal imprisonment. He is planning to apologize on the David Letterman show.

Gen. Augusto Pinochet took full responsibility for the first time Saturday for the actions of his 1973-90 dictatorship, which carried out thousands of political killings, torture and illegal imprisonment. Donald Rumsfeld took full responsibility for eating too much turkey on thanksgiving.

Dick Cheney
Dick Cheney flew to Saudi Arabia Wednesday for talks with King Abdullah and the Saudi princes in the royal palace in Riyadh. It is an old tradition of his to spend thanksgiving with those he loves.

November 24th 2006

Thanksgiving
In an annual ritual dating back to Abraham Lincoln's time, president Bush pardoned two turkeys this Thursday. Tons of people attended the ceremony, most of them to restrain Cheney from shooting the birds.

The US celebrated Thanksgiving day yesterday, a day in which most of the people celebrate the tradition of feasting and resting in the couch for the entire day. Or like K-Fed calls it "everyday"

President Bush has spared two turkeys from dinner tables Thursday, and is instead sending them to Disneyland via plane. Unfortunately a bunch of hungry passengers slaughtered the birds and ate them.

Michael Richards has hired a public relations expert to restore his image after a racial tirade he had onstage last week. On a written statement Richards said he is to start working as soon as "Afro American" Friday.

November 22nd 2006

Twins
One of President Bush's 24-year-old twin daughters had her purse stolen during a visit to Argentina. As a request by President Bush, the secret service launched a quest to find the thief immediately and either hire him to work for the Bush administration or make him an honorary US congressman.

Turkeys
In an annual ritual dating back to Abraham Lincoln's time, President Bush will "pardon" two turkeys this Wednesday, a Tom and Michael Richards.

Heart Attacks
According to a joint study by the University of Sydney and Harvard University there are about 1.5 million heart attacks in the U.S. every year, most of them Dick Cheney’s.

Michael Richards
After Michael Richards’ apology during the David Letterman show, the tonight show with David Letterman beat Jay Leno in the ratings. Producers are willing to repeat the formula and tonight they promise a gut-wrenching apology from the National Thanksgiving Turkey.

Radio shows debated all day yesterday whether actor Michael Richards should ever be forgiven for a racial tirade he had onstage during his comedy act. I am in favor of giving him a second chance, come on, it is not like he said he would have voted for segregationist Strom Thurmond.

Praying
Six Muslim imams were removed from a US Airways flight at Minneapolis-St Paul International Airport for praying on the terminal before boarding their flight. According to frequent fliers it is not such an uncommon practice to pray before boarding, especially when you spot your pilot chugging beers at the bar of the airport.

Out-of-wedlock
Out-of-wedlock births in the United States have climbed to an all-time high, accounting for nearly four in 10 babies born last year. According to government health officials the number could double this year now the K-Fed is single again.

November 21st 2006

Michael Richards
"Seinfeld" co-star Michael Richards flew into an onstage racially-charged tirade at an L.A. comedy club this past weekend. Richard apologized and explained that those comments are pretty common in his country of Kazakhstan.

"Seinfeld" co-star Michael Richards flew into an onstage racially-charged tirade at an L.A. comedy club this past weekend. It seems somebody got an overdose of soup from the "soup Nazi".

Former "Seinfeld" co-star Michael Richards lost his cool at the Laugh Factory comedy club in Los Angeles, making racial statements that left the crowd in awe. His manager is afraid that this could ruin his "rerun" career.

People at the Laugh Factory in LA were appalled by racists comments that former "Seinfeld" co-star Michael Richards made to a group of African American hecklers. Apparently Richard said on stage that these black people attend parties at the playboy mansion and date white women.

OJ and Fox
After a firestorm of criticism, Fox has canceled the O.J. Simpson book and television special, “If I Did It.” Apparently O.J. refused to hypothesize the killing of his wife with the help of the Democrats.

Fox network has canceled the O.J. Simpson book and television special, "If I Did It." Rumors are O.J. has principles and would never work with a network that has liars like Hanitty and O’Reilly.

Fox network has canceled the O.J. Simpson book and television special, “If I Did It.” Rupert Murdoch had to give up after a firestorm of criticism, especially when some people found out Fox wanted Seinfeld" co-star Michael Richards to host the interview.

Bush
Bush’s approval rating continues sinking. The president right now is in a tie with O.J. and Michael Richards.

Tom Cruise
Opera Star Andrea Bocelli serenaded newlyweds Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes at their nuptials in his native Italy on Saturday. When Bocelli was asked about the ceremony he said that even he could see that this was all baloney.

Long Cigar
Tampa cigar makers broke the record for the world's longest cigar at 101 feet, a sign the country is turning Democrat again.

Tampa cigar makers broke the record for the world's longest cigar at 101 feet, or 20 interns.

November 20th 2006

Tom Cruise
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes got married over the weekend in Italy. Immediately after the wedding Tom and Katie went on their honeymoon and according to Katie, Tom’s performance was not "Top Gun" but rather "Mission Impossible."

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes got married over the weekend in Italy. The Italian version of Art Bell is going to have material for the next 2 years on his show with all the UFO sightings.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes got married over the weekend in Italy. They wrapped up the ceremony with a very long kiss that finished when Tom was done sucking Katie’s soul out of her body.

Playstation 3
Kentucky police ran down a rape suspect who tried to blend into one of the lines at Best Buy waiting to get a Playstation 3. The cops asked if anybody in the line had ever had sex with a woman and the criminal was the only one that raised his hand.

Meteorologist
A TV meteorologist was fired because his nude photo was posted on the Internet. I just hope is not Al Rocker.

Bureaucracy
The Agriculture Department has replaced the word "hunger" with the term "low food security". Apparently they also changed the term "fat kid" with the term "Low Vending Machine Security."

Penny
Arizona congressman Jim Kolbe has proposed getting rid of the penny, saying it is obsolete. Apparently lobbyists don’t take change anymore.

Bush
President Bush was welcomed in Indonesia by thousands of protesters. For a moment the president felt he was back in the campaign trail for the midterm elections

In Vietnam, the Air Force One suffered a mechanical problem, forcing President Bush to shift to a smaller backup jet as he continues his Asian trip. With his popularity in the low 30’s the only Airline that accepted the president was Southwest.

OJ
Fox network and a book publishing company paid OJ Simpson around $3 million dollars to air a special interview where he describes how he would have carried out the crime of his wife. All the other networks were outraged because $3 million dollars sound like a bargain.

November 19th 2006

Weird News
A Brazilian woman says that Mimi, her female cat, mated with a neighbor’s dog and gave birth to six offsprings. Apparently one of them is elected Senator Joe Lieberman

A woman told The Enquirer that John Cusimano, Rachael Ray’s husband, has a weird fetish and pays her regularly to spit on his face. He doesn’t need to pay for that, especially after the elections… If you say you are a Bush supporter you could get spitted by Democrats as well as Republicans.

Yael Nezri, an Israeli woman, is enlisted in the army but because she is the current reigning Miss Israel she was allowed to avoid any active duty. President Bush claimed that the reason why he dropped out of the national guard, was because he was chosen the sexiest men alive of Texas 1972.

November 17th 2006

Daisuke Matsuzaka
The Boston Red Sox paid more than $50 million dollars only for the right to talk with Japanese baseball star Daisuke Matsuzaka. Last time someone paid some much money only for taking was Bill O’ Reilly.

Playstation 3
Huge long lines of people can be seen all over the country this Friday. Some of them are lines to buy Playstation 3 and others are lines of people in Florida and Ohio still trying to cast their votes for the midterm elections.

OJ
After the public outrage, Network executives could get fired over an interview that Fox Network is going to air with OJ Simpson. Network executives of ABC, CBS and NBC are going to get canned for not thinking of this first.

In a criticized book, OJ Simpson describes how he would have killed his wife. In one of the chapters OJ said that nowadays he would escape in a Prius instead of a Bronco because he would save a lot of gas and would not pollute the environment.

John Murtha
Democratic caucus picked Steny Hoyer over John Murtha as majority leader a day after Murtha claimed he had the votes for that position. Apparently Murtha was using Karl Rove’s math.

November 16th 2006

OJ Simpson
FOX will air an interview with O.J. Simpson in which he describes how he would have committed the murders, if he was guilty. The show will be part of a special marathon and it will be followed by "Gary Condit: If I killed my Intern"; Ted Bennet "If I killed my daughter" and Bush "If I killed the GOP."

Fence
A top Vatican official called the Bush administration's plans for hundreds of miles of new security fences on the United States-Mexico border "inhuman." The Bush administration cut a deal and if God is willing to let them in heaven, they might consider letting illegals in the US.

Bush
President Bush was reported by Newsweek Monday to have enlisted his father's help in the war. Apparently Bush senior advised his son to recruit his former foreign policy advisors, to get rid of Rumsfeld, to eat vegetables and brush three times a day.

Al-Jazeera
Al-Jazeera launched its English-language network Wednesday. They are already thinking of sweep week and decided to air a show called "Bin Laden, If I did it", but without the If.

Al-Jazeera launched its English-language network Wednesday. Conservative pundits started already their attacks on the network. Rush Limbaugh says that they are part of the drive by media, in a camel.

The Forgotten
Evangelist Ted Haggard claimed that he only got a massage from a male escort and he denies being gay because during the massage "It didn’t move."

Mark Foley could be out of rehab in the upcoming days. The rumors come from his neighbors who were apparently visited by cops to warn them a pervert could be moving to town.

James Bond
James Bond made a return to the big screen Wednesday at the world premiere of Casino Royale in London England. Robert Novak dedicated part of his syndicated column to the movie and revealed that James Bond is actor Daniel Craig.

November 15th 2006

Internet
According to a U.S. government-commissioned study, only about 1% of web sites are sexually explicit. Unfortunately nobody knows what the other 99% is about.

OJ
Fox Network plans to broadcast an interview with O.J. Simpson in which the former football star discusses "how he would have committed" the slayings of his ex-wife and her friend. I might be wrong but wasn’t Fox Network against "Cut and Run"?

Tom Cruise
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are set to marry at an undisclosed Italian location on Saturday. The place is going to be protected from Paparazzis; the guests of the bride will arrive in helicopters; and the guests of the groom, in space ships.

L.A. gossip columnists say Katie Holmes was seen this week buying more than $3,000 worth of lingerie at a West Hollywood store. She bought several thongs and bras, and that was only for Tom to wear.

L.A. gossip columnists say Katie Holmes was seen this week buying more than $3,000 worth of lingerie at a West Hollywood store. It is quite unfair; with a woman like that of course nobody needs antidepressants.

Fox News
According to Palestinian terror groups, Fox News paid $2 Million dollars for the release of two Fox reporters kidnapped by terrorists last summer. A spokeswoman for Fox News Channel made it clear they would have paid $20 millions if they had to, because it is extremely hard to find reporters that want to work with Bill O’ Reilly and Sean Hannity.

According to news websites, Fox News paid $2 Million dollars for the release of two Fox reporters kidnapped by terrorists last summer. The terrorists now claim they used the money to buy weapons and political ads for Democrats in the midterm elections.

Giuliani
Former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani has taken the first step in a run for president in 2008. Political analysts predict what could be a brutal battle between Giulani and Clinton in 08. Not Hilary, Bill, with whom he’ll have to compete for the women of Capitol Hill.

Nancy Pelosi
Convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff provided information that could incriminate six to eight Democratic senators in corruption scandals. Soon to be speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi said that now that the Democratic Party has the majority in both houses, they are going to work hard to increase that number to more than eight.

In other news....
According to a study by the Christiana Care Health System in Newark, Delaware, white people are more likely to get CPR than black people. Probably because nobody will dare punch a black person on the chest.

November 14th 2006

Dead Elected
A South Dakota woman was voted as a County Commissioner even though she had died before election day. There was a huge line at the cemetery to drop flowers by her tombstone: relatives, friends and lots of lobbyists.

Britney
Britney Spears has filed for divorce from her husband Kevin Federline. The battle for the custody of the babies has already started. Apparently both are fighting to see who doesn’t have to take care of them.

Britney Spears has filed for divorce from her husband Kevin Federline. The battle for the custody of the babies has already started and it looks nasty. Both Madonna and Angelina Jolie are doing everything they can to adopt them.

Burrito
A Massachusetts judge has ruled that a burrito is not a sandwich. He based his ruling in the presumption that a McDonald salad is not a real salad either.

US college Students
According to the Institute of International Education, U.S. college students are studying abroad in record numbers. Apparently they are choosing countries where teachers only demand their homework.

Iraq Study Group
President Bush and Tony Blair met Monday with the Iraq Study Group. The group so far determined that we should have had an Iraq study group before we invaded Iraq.

In other news....
It seems some pessimistic GOP members were right. A week after the resounding Democratic victory unemployment grew significantly, tons of Republican political advisors got fired.

A Singapore teen broke the Guinness record for fastest text-messaging when he typed a 160- character message in less than 42 seconds yesterday, which in Britney’s book that would mean 40 break ups.

November 13th 2006

Crime Free
The Residents of Colonsay , an almost crime-free island, were shocked this weekend by the first robbery in the last 2 years . Apparently the island was the chosen tourist destination of some Americans candidates that lost in the midterm elections.

A woman in Brazil was released from the hospital a day after she was shot in the head six times by her ex-husband. During a press conference the husband claimed he did not shoot her, just peppered her.

Elections
Last Tuesday Democrats won the majority in Congress and the Senate. The elections seemed like an episode of Oprah for the Democrats "You got a seat, you got a seat, you got a seat"

Angry Republicans say the party might have fared better on Election Day if President Bush had not waited after the elections to force Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld to resign. They believe the right time would have been the day after Collin Powel left that position.

Britney
According to the tabloids, Britney Spears caught K-Fed with another woman. Apparently Britney became suspicious there was someone else the day Kevin had money to buy his own pack of camels.

Shakira
President of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez, helped Latin Singer Shakira find a venue to perform in Caracas to dazzle 10 000 fans with her hip shaking dances.Rush Limbaugh immediately complained about it and claimed that the singer shakes her hips so much because she is probably out of her medication.

Wax
The head of president Bush’s wax likeness was vandalized in the Madame Tussaud museum of wax. Reporters believe Dick Cheney was confused and took hunting the wrong Bush.

The head of president Bush’s wax figure was vandalized in the Madame Tussaud museum of wax. Fortunately it won't cost much to fix it as they don't need much wax to fill Bush's head.

November 12th 2006

Best Places
The U.N.'s annual list of the best places to live came out yesterday, and the US ranked 8th. Originally the US was ranked 177th but with Rumsfeld’s departure we escalated some positions.

Rumsfeld
President Bush fired Donald Rumsfeld this Tuesday after the GOP was overwhelmingly defeated in the last election. The former secretary of Defense have been seen wandering confused around the White House. Apparently Rumsfeld has problems finding the exit.

English
Arizona voters have approved a ballot measure making English the state's official language. The reason why the measure overwhelmingly passed was because it was written in English and Latinos did not know what they voted for.

GOP
According to political analysts, the main reason why the GOP lost in the last elections was because they were out of touch. That would have never happened if Mark Foley was still a congressman.

Britney
According to the tabloids Kevin Federlaine was dumped via text message. Britney Spears claimed it wasn’t her because she doesn’t even know how to do that; it was actually her baby the one that sent the message.

Tabloids reported that the legal battle has already started in the Britney and K-Fed divorce. The only thing they are not going to have any problem dividing is the talent because none of them got any.

Democrats
The day after the Democratic victory in the midterm elections, changes were right away noticeable in congress. Instead of congressional pages, interns are now again the main target for sexual harassment.

Elected Democrats have already started doing what they promised during their election campaign........ Nothing.

November 9th 2006

Candidates
Political analysts believe that the Democratic candidate for Tennessee, Harold Ford, might have lost because of a racist ad where a bare-shouldered blonde winks into the camera and asks him to "call her". Just when you think things couldn't get any worse for Ford, he’s been calling the blonde since the election and now that he lost she would not even answer.

Political analysts believe that Senator George Allen lost the elections in Virginia for several racist comments he made against minorities. Ironically, his party now became one.

Rumsfeld
President Bush is nominating Texas A&M President, Robert Gates, as his new Secretary of Defense, which is perfect for his new job as he has a lot of experience with torture from fraternity hazing.

It has been a tough week for Iraqis. First they danced on the streets to celebrate Saddam’s conviction, and now Rumsfeld’s exit.

Finally Rumsfeld found an exit strategy… getting fired.

Dogs
Authorities in Beijing will allow only one dog per family.... but all the potatoes you want with it.

Lindsay Lohan
Lindsay Lohan crashed her car again Tuesday. Apparently she was being chased by Kevin Federlaine, desperate to marry someone famous.

Nancy Pelosi
Most of the right wing media pundits are totally against Nancy Pelosi because she is a liberal and will bring to congress the “San Francisco” values. I think she is perfect to control congress, especially with all the gay outing that occurred there lately, someone from San Francisco will feel right at home.

Before Election Day several pollsters said the elections results were tough to predict because Republicans were tightening the race. I guess the only thing tightening that day was Nancy Pelosi’s face after a botox injection to get ready to give the victory speech.

November 8th 2006

Britney Spears
Britney Spears has filed for divorce from her husband Kevin Federline. Apparently Kevin will get visitation rights on the weekends or whenever the kids can borrow Britney’s car to drive to their daddy’s house.

Britney Spears has filed for divorce from her husband Kevin Federline. Fortunately, they have already decided who is going to take care of the babies... Madonna

Britney Spears has filed for divorce from her husband Kevin Federline. The custody battle started and it looks nasty as Kevin wants complete custody of the couch.

Election Day
Polling places all over the country reported delays on Election Day, mostly related to the use of electronic vote. Apparently, every time there was a problem with the software, polling officials had to spend hours with the tech support guy in India.

This week has been one of the best weeks in Bill Clinton’s history: Democrats swept the elections, and he got to see Kirstey Alley wearing a bikini.

Democrat Keith Ellison was elected as the nation's first Muslim member of Congress on Tuesday. I bet none of the congressman wants to be behind him when he goes through the security check in Capitol Hill

Democrats obtained a substantial victory in yesterday’s election in what experts called an anti GOP tsunami. Maybe this time FEMA will show up in time to help the victims of this disaster.

Miracle
In Florida, a man survived a gunshot thanks to the bible he kept in his shirt pocket. After such an incredible miracle Evangelists decided to put a bible in Ted Haggard’s back pocket to protect him from temptation.

Terrorist
A two-year-old Emirati boy was held at Dubai airport after he appeared on a list of wanted security suspects. Apparently all babies in the world are considered terrorist, especially if you are stuck with a crying one on a plane

November 7th 2006

Kirstey Alley
Kirstey Alley stayed true to her word and appeared on "Oprah" yesterday in a bikini. The GOP doesn’t rest a minute and continue with its scare tactics even a day before elections.

Nancy Pelosi
Today, before casting her vote , House minority leader Nancy Pelosi was no smiles, not so much because of polls that show Republicans tightening the race, but rather because the botox wouldn’t let her smile.

Election Day
Vice President Dick Cheney will spend Election Day on his first hunting trip of the season. Apparently Cheney will go around voting places shooting anyone that looks Democrat.

Today is Election Day, or as some people call it "Dawn of the Dead…" Some dead people get up to vote, and some candidates are already dead before voting starts.

In other news
The Backstreet Boys are recording a new album. They are convinced they have a chance of a comeback considering all the gay outing in Capitol Hill.

In other news, tonight, great show, in "closed mic" Tuesday: "John Kerry…"

November 6th 2006

Borat
The movie Borat opened number 1 at the box office. The movie is a story of a reporter that comes from a country where men are misogynist and people very racist and decides to visit the US where he feels right at home.

Elections
President Bush has been encouraging Republican voters to ask Democratic candidates what plan they have to win the war. Democrats claimed they don’t want to say their plan because they don’t want terrorists to know.

Gay Marriage
It seems lately more and more Republicans are coming out of the closet, which sort of explains why they are so much against gay marriage; they want to protect their own people.

Saddam Hussein
Before Saddam’s sentence, Iraqi officials were truly concerned chaos could have erupted in the streets of Baghdad. Apparently their problem was that they would never notice the difference from a regular day.

Saddam’s death sentence was celebrated by thousands of Iraqis in the streets of Baghdad. Apparently they were really happy because they will finally get to see something else on Iraqi TV besides Saddam’s boring trial.

Reporters say that Saddam’s lawyers will appeal his sentence and that reaching a final verdict might take years. Coincidentally this Monday Dick Cheney is going hunting with Saddam’s lawyers.

Jubilant Shiites marched by the hundreds Monday, celebrating Saddam’s Hussein conviction and death sentence, what proves Karl Rove was right all along, the 72-hour final GOP push before the elections is working wonders....in Iraq.

Foley Rehab
Mark Foley opted to remain in alcohol rehab Wednesday rather than leave when his thirty-day stay is up. He is doing much better, he now likes 19-year-olds and older.

Former Congressman Mark Foley will remain in treatment for alcoholism much longer than actor Mel Gibson. Apparently it takes longer to cure you of alcoholic pedophilia than alcoholic racism.

November 5th 2006

Political Ads

Nielsen Monitor-Plus counted 942,900 political ads running between August 1 and Oct. 15; up 31 percent from the same period four years ago. Please remind me to buy flowers for my TiVo.

Republican Candidates spent a fortune in political ads for this election. They resorted to a new and modern tactic to fight Tivo, the new enemy of ads on TV. The GOP did a lot of "product placement" in these elections, mostly in the Fox News Channel.

John Kerry
House Majority Leader John Boehner said in an interview that he was really offended by Kerry’s comments on US troops and vowed to beat John Kerry to death until he sincerely apologizes. Hilary Clinton was indignated and replied, "beating Kerry to death? Get in line...”

Senator John Kerry has been attacked and ridiculed by the GOP for some improv comedy about the troops in Iraq that went terribly wrong. Ironically, President Bush has been doing improv in Iraq since the war started and Republicans don’t seem offended at all.

Ted Haggard
The president of the National Association of Evangelicals has resigned amid allegations that he had sex with a 49-year-old male prostitute. There was indignation among people in Capitol Hill who cannot believe someone would pay for a male escort... that old.

The president of the National Association of Evangelicals has admitted to buying methamphetamines from a male escort but claimed he threw the drugs away and never took them. Where, where?? said Whitney Houston and Courtney Love.

The president of the National Association of Evangelicals has resigned amid allegations that he had sex with a 49-year-old male prostitute and that he has used methamphetamines, making rehab centers the economic boom of the decade.

November 3rd 2006

The Bird
A woman in Washington State has been fired for flipping the bird to President Bush. The Bush administration is very concerned because if this example catches on the unemployment rate could dramatically increase.

Evangelical Scandal
The president of the National Association of Evangelicals, an outspoken opponent of gay marriage, was accused yesterday of paying to have sex with a male escort. Do you know the difference between evangelical pastors and Catholics priests? Evangelicals pay before having gay sex, Catholics pay after, when they have to settle their cases.

Saddam Trial
Saddam Hussein's trial for crimes against humanity could return a verdict today in Baghdad. Some reporters speculate that if found guilty he could get the chair, the fire squad, or even worse: put back in power.

Voting
Hispanic activists said they're disappointed in the results of their voter registration drive. They only signed up one hundred and fifty thousand new registered voters that they drove to register in only 4 vans.

India
The country of India is beginning to experience its own obesity epidemic. Well, sure, the only thing they do is sit on their asses all day and ask us if we have reset our PC’s yet.....

November 2nd 2006

John Kerry
Senator John Kerry canceled all his public appearances after he got in trouble for a joke that was misinterpreted by lots of Americans. It was a bad day for the senator: fellow Democrats asked him to apologize, radio hosts and comedians ridiculed him, and his wife cancelled his weekly allowance

During a speech in Pasadena City College and while encouraging students to study hard and do their homework to succeed in life, Senator John Kerry got in serious trouble after he botched a joke. Guess who flanked "Jokelogy 101."

After John Kerry’s botched joke caused a tremendous stir in the last 48 hours, the senator admitted he is pulling back from campaigning ahead of next week's midterm elections. Most of the Republican candidates cheaped-in and sent president Bush a book of 1-liners to see if the president botches some jokes too.

Ugly Mail
Democratic Candidate Ed Perlmutter is strongly criticizing Republicans over a piece of direct mail that was designed to look like a sex-offender notification accusing him of being soft on crime. Ironically the Republicans used as a sample the sex-offender notification that warned people Mark Foley was in the area.

Mark Foley
Former Congressman Mark Foley will remain in treatment for alcoholism much longer than actor Mel Gibson. Apparently it takes longer to cure you of alcoholic pedophilia than alcoholic racism.

Eating Out
In a new survey by Zagat, 83% of Americans say they eat out as often as or more often than they did two years ago. I don’t know why but the rats in the salads and the fingers in the sandwiches always taste better when you eat out.

Iran Tourism
Iran is making a push to try to get Americans and other Western tourists to visit and they will pay agents $10 for every European, and $20 for every American. This is Bush’s dream, to get paid to invade a country.

Congress
Democrats claim that if elected one of the things they are going to do in their first 100 hours in congress is to raise the minimum wage, which will benefit tons of people, specially politicians who will be out of work after November 7th.

Kevin Federlaine
The New York Post ran a full 1,400-word 'article' by Kevid Federline. If you discard the "Yeahs" and the "You know what I mean" the article is only 20 words long.

The New York Post ran a full 1,400-word 'article' by Kevid Federline. That is a page not even Mark Foley would dare touch.

November 1st 2006

Botched Joke
After John Kerry’s botched joke caused a tremendous stir in the last 48 hours, the senator admitted he is pulling back from campaigning ahead of next week's midterm elections. Most of the Republican candidates cheaped in and sent president Bush a book of 1 liners to see if the president botches some jokes too .

Abstinence
The federal government is now targeting unmarried adults up to age 29 as part of its abstinence-only programs. They started distributing fliers at the Star Wars Conventions.

McDonalds
A man is suing a McDonald's restaurant, claiming his wife found a small dead rat in a salad. In McDonalds they always deceive you: For the pictures in the menu they use huge New York rats and what you get in your food is always a small mouse.

Sleep
According to a new survey by Select Comfort, the mattress company, 92% of Americans say they're not losing sleep over the upcoming elections. The other 8% are Republican candidates.

Bob Barker
Bob Barker announces he will retire next June after 50 years on television..
Dogs all over the States are celebrating this decision because now they have more chances to keep their jewels intact.

82-year-old Bob Barker announced yesterday that he's retiring from "The Price Is Right" after 35 years as host. Ana Nicole Smith said that the "Time is right" now to date him

Halloween Parade
Greenwich Village had its annual Halloween parade Tuesday in which thousands of costumed transvestites marched along Sixth Avenue. Apparently the massive event turned even more people against "Transfats."

Divorce
The study, from Iowa State University reveals that divorced women have more illnesses. But probably a lot more money than divorced men to treat them.

Tora Bora
Tora Bora hills, Osama Bin Laden's secret caves hideout, are being converted into a luxurious tourist resort. Some people believe it’ll be the Democratic headquarters for the 2008 presidential elections.

Tora Bora hills, Osama Bin Laden's secret caves hideout, are being converted into a luxurious tourist resort. Apparently the hotel is going to show the uncensored Bin laden videos on Pay Per View.