June 29th 2007

Friday leftovers..........

Supreme Court
The US Supreme Court ruled Thursday that schools cannot take steps to assure racially mixed student populations. The court also voted against the teacher’s suggestion of assuring a mix student population based on their hotness.

Milk
Milk prices could soar to $5 a gallon by September. “Oh well!” said Lindsay Lohan while adding vodka to her Cheerios

Now that the price of milk has soared, Pamela Anderson was forced to hire extra security because there have been more attempts to try to siphon her.

Blackout
Due to high temperatures, several parts of New York experienced blackouts. Just like any other day in the GOP: Blacks Out…..

Due to high temperatures, several parts of New York experienced blackouts. There was another blackout, this time in Grey’s anatomy: Isaiah Washington.

Raise
The House of Representatives wants a $4,400 pay raise. They say the raise is adjusted according to the cost of living, like the increase of the price of gas, utilities and escort services.

Fantastic 4
After the economic success of the movie “The Fantastic Four” , the producers are working on a sequel with new characters, the new Fantastic Four: Executive, Legislative, Judicial and Dick Cheney.

June 28th 2007

Hey, I want to thank mi amigo Ken, and Newsday for posting some of my jokes, man, it means a lot for me! But I want to tell mi amigo Ken that in no way or form this means Argentina soccer team is going to have any mercy today with the US soccer team, no way. Sorry Ken, sorry Newsday but today we will have fun with you guys!!!!!! Anyhow thanks for the posting, I trully appreciate it!

http://www.newsday.com/search/ny-oppun285272124jun28,0,1359979.story

Immigration
According to a recent United Way of Salt Lake survey, fear is one of the reasons why illegal immigrants do not want to learn English. Apparently they fear that if they learn English it is going to be hard for them to find a job in the US.

A power outage struck parts of Manhattan's Upper East Side during a heat wave on Wednesday. Officials believe that in 9 months there could be a surge in the New York population, not so much from pregnancies, just illegal immigration.

Mexican officials complained that a fence built recently in New Mexico was built totally on the Mexican side of the border. The Mexican Government was infuriated because they could have pushed the fence a little more to the South, on the border between Mexico and Guatemala.

Scouts
Brandweek.com is reporting that the Girl Scouts may start giving away coupons for over the counter medicine when you buy their cookies. Now I feel very safe buying those cookies.

Roots
50 Cent said that he went back to his grandmother's house in Queens to write his new album, so he could reconnect with his ghetto roots. Apparently her Grandma is a violent criminal with a tendency to threaten people while enjoying Crystal and with a predisposition to enjoy bitches.

50 Cent said that he went back to his grandmother's house in Queens to write his new album, so he could reconnect with his ghetto roots. Meanwhile K-Fed also went to his grandmother’s house, next to the market, to reconnect with his roots: his love for carrots, potatoes, and turnips.
Paris Hilton
During an interview with Larry King, Paris Hilton said that being strip-searched in prison was the most humiliating experience of her life; especially because there were no cameras rolling and no paparazzies taking pictures.

During an interview with Larry King, Paris Hilton said she found Jesus while spending her time in jail: it was on a Sunday morning during breakfast; Jesus was covered in peanut butter on her toast.

Phone
According to the Mobile World, 1000 new people sign for a mobile phone every minute, and the worst part is that they all end up going to the same movie theater I go.

June 27th 2007

Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton lost ten pounds during her time in prison. Apparently all the reading she claimed she did in jail made her stomach upset.

Venezuela
The presidents of Venezuela and Bolivia, Hugo Chavez and Evo Morales, were present Tuesday at the opening game of the “Copa América 2007” soccer tournament in Venezuela. Two undercover spies should have shot them right on their heads.... Page 277 of the recent declassified CIA documents.

The United States soccer team will debut tomorrow at the “Copa América 2007” soccer tournament in Venezuela. According to the new Venezuelan official TV channel that Hugo Chavez opened a couple of weeks ago, the US team already lost 9 to nothing and is evil.

Rosie’s Daughter
A picture of Rosie O’Donnell’s young daughter Vivi with a bullet belt slug over her shoulder has caused a huge controversy. Apparently that is the only way the little girl can protect her food from Rosie's voracious appetite.

Airlines
JetBlue Airways was awarded highest honors in airline customer satisfaction from J.D. Power and Associates. Continental was all “number two.”

Sizemore
Tom Sizemore, the actor from "Saving Private Ryan" has been convicted to 16 months in prison where he’ll have to be saved from Ryan’s privates.

Bathroom
9 out of 10 people would do whatever it takes to keep their skin from making contact with anything in a public restroom. The other one is George Michael, who would do anything he can to make any kind of contact.

Feet Severed
A girl had her feet severed off by the Superman ride at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom. Unfortunately she is now two-feet short for any other rides.

A girl had her feet severed off by the Superman ride at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom. She was lucky though, last time someone attempted the Superman ride he got paraplegic.

June 26th 2007

Iranians
British Military intelligence said they have hard proof that the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps have crossed the border into Iraq to attack them. The Iranian government immediately dismissed the idea of an attack and claimed some Iranian soldiers just went to Iraq to get good tickets for the "Chemical” Ali execution.

Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton said that she spent most of her time in prison reading the bible. That is why she decided to give her first interview to Larry King, because she wanted Larry to tell her about the time he met Moses.

ABC, NBC and CBS decided not to interview Paris Hilton because they thought it could be embarrassing and taint their reputation, unlike Fox that decided not to have the interview because Paris rejected their idea of tongue-kissing Greta Van Susteren.

Cheney
Dick Cheney refused inspectors of the national Archives in his office. Apparently Cheney now wants to attack himself because he suspects he has some weapons of mass destruction.

Yao Ming
China’s All Star NBA centre Yao Ming will wed his teenage sweetheart from Shanghai in August. The couple already had several wedding ceremony rehearsals and no matter how hard they tried to explain to Yao, every time the bride tosses the bouquet he jumps and grabs it.

Mexico
According to a recent study a full 12% of Mexican American adults are virgins. Apparently the Mexican government promises its people that 72 virgins are going to have sex with them if they leave Mexico and cross the border.

Donations
Americans gave a record $300 billion to charitable causes last year. If my dad was right that most of the money you give to bums is probably for alcohol, we probably donated all the money to Lindsay Lohan and other Hollywood celebrity friends.

June 25th 2007

Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton is going to give her first interview after leaving prison to CNN host Larry King. It has been reported that security is going to be extremely tight in the CNN headquarters, not so much for Paris, but rather because they fear Lou Dobbs might attempt to kill her Chihuahua.

During her time in Jail, Paris Hilton read the bible and said that her favorite part was the "parable of the talents," where Jesus teaches you to exploit your talent wisely. That is why as soon she leaves jail she is going to shoot another porn movie.

Bush
During a meeting with reporters President Bush said that when it comes to the new immigration reform bill some Republican senators don’t want to discuss it because “they have a chip on the shoulder.” The president added that those senators don’t know how good those chips taste with salsa.

President Bush was the main guest of a Christmas Special ABC taped Sunday. According to ABC executives the event was recorded so early because they fear that if things continue going like this for the Bush administration, it is going to be hard to find people that want to attend the event in December.

Elizabeth Edwards
Elizabeth Edwards, wife of Democratic presidential hopeful John Edwards, said she supports gay marriage. Apparently she is afraid that if she doesn’t say so, hairdressers are going to sabotage her husband’s hair.

News
It has been reported that NBC Brian Williams’ viewership has declined in almost 533,000 viewers in the last year. Unfortunately for Brian, it’ll be hard to get them back because they all probably passed away.

War
The number of blacks joining the military has plunged by more than one-third since the Afghanistan and Iraq wars began. The pentagon has come up with a new plan, a series of ads that they are sure are going to help motivate black people to join the army. In the ads they promise an exclusive record deal if they get shot in Iraq.

June 24th 2007

Voting dog
A Woman in Washington who registered her dog to vote to make a point of how easy it is for voters to register illegally could end up in jail. Fortunately like millions of men do in other circumstances of life she could always blame the dog.

A Woman in Washington who registered her dog to vote to make a point of how easy it is for illegal immigrants to vote could end up in jail. Officials complained that the old lady didn’t make a valid point especially because the dog she registered wasn’t a chihuahua.

Survey
A new nationwide survey finds that 29 percent of American men report having 15 or more female sexual partners in a lifetime. The number of sexual partners decreased considerably in the last couple of weeks with Paris Hilton in jail and Lindsay Lohan in rehab.

Clintons
Hillary and Bill Clinton did a spoof of the final episode of The Sopranos to announce the winner of Hillary’s song contest. During the ad Clinton mentions that one of his favorite songs was "Smash Mouth" which apparently reminds him one of his favorite intern’s nickname .

Shuttle
The US space agency said they would have preferred to land the shuttle in Florida as it costs nearly two million dollars to have landed it in California. I didn’t know parking was so expensive in LA these days?

Short
A study conducted by the University of Munich and Princeton University found that the United States population has gotten shorter. Maybe it is not that the population has gotten shorter, maybe is that there are more Mexicans living in the States.

Paris Hilton
During her time in Jail, Paris Hilton read the bible and said that her favorite part was the "parable of the talents" where Jesus teaches you to exploit your talent wisely. That is why as soon she leaves jail she is going to shoot another porn movie.

June 22nd 2007

Just some Friday Jokes....
Cheney
Dick Cheney is asserting that his office is not actually part of the executive branch. How bad things are going for the Bush administration that even Dick Cheney pretends he has nothing to do with it?

Pelosi
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi will not be permitted to use State Department funds to travel to Cuba, Iran, North Korea, Sudan or Syria if a Republican amendment to appropriations legislation passes the House this week. The petition came straight up from Cuba, Iran, North Korea, Sudan and Syria.

Fall
In South Carolina, a man and a woman were having sex on a rooftop when they fell 50 feet to their deaths. At least they went out on a bang!

Memory
Fox is about to air a new game show called "Don't Forget the Lyrics!" They already taped some shows and the first contestant to get eliminated was Alberto Gonzales.

Smaller
A new study finds Americans are getting smaller. Apparently now they can only eat 4 Big Macs at a time.

Sopranos
Producers of The Sopranos once again ensured its fans the show is not planning on doing a movie about the series, because once you go black, you never come back.

June 21st 2007

Hey a big, huge thanks to my amigo Ken and the people of Newsday for publishing a couple of my jokes, I haven't been this happy since yesterday when Boca Juniors beat Gremio of Brasil for Copa Libertadores!!!! a complete beautiful day, thanks to Boca, Ken and Newsday!!!
http://www.newsday.com/search/ny-oppun215263756jun21,0,180328.story

Bush
A new poll has indicated that US President George W Bush's approval ratings dropped to 29 per cent, his lowest mark ever. If that wasn't bad enough for the president, wait until he finds out the survey was conducted in Albania.
Smelly Plane

On a recent Continental Airlines flight from Amsterdam to Newark passengers had to suffer through a long trip with sewage flowing down the isle. That prompted Hollywood to work on a new movie idea: "Turds on a plane"

On a recent Continental Airlines flight from Amsterdam to Newark passengers had to suffer through a long trip with sewage flowing down the isle. Apparently, last time there were so many turds on a plane was when Continental flew an entire lawyer convention.

Bloomberg
Yesterday was World Refugee Day, a day to remember those people who escape disaster to try to settle in a new place, just like Michael Bloomberg leaving the GOP.

The Price is Right
Rosie O’Donnell could be the next host of The Price is Right. She suggested some changes though: male models, new games and a new name: "I hate the Right."

Vatican
The Vatican released its Ten Commandments of Driving in which they encourage you to pray while you drive: Our Father who art in heaven… don’t let Lindsay Lohan or Billy Joel cross my path on my way to work....

The Vatican released its Ten Commandments of Driving in which they encourage you to pray while you drive. That is exactly what we need to do: add one more task on top of text messaging, applying make up and drinking hot coffee.

The Vatican released its Ten Commandments of Driving in which they encourage you to pray while you drive; to pray your car won’t break down, especially if you are driving a Ford.

The Web
Writer Andrew Keen has released a book in which he expresses a polemic and conservative view of how the Internet is ruining our culture. If you want to find more information about the author please do not Google his name because you mostly get pages of kinky sex.

Market
Yesterday the market dropped 146 points. There was a stampede of investors selling their stocks from the alcohol companies when they found out Lindsay Lohan cancelled her birthday party.

June 20th 2007

Hillary
Hillary Clinton picked "You and I," a Celine Dion song, as part of her political campaign. Not to be outdone, Presidential Republican candidate John McCain also chose another Celine Dion song as part of his political campaign: The theme song of “Titanic.”

In her latest ad Hillary Clinton spoofs the recent 'Sopranos' finale and ends the ad with the screen going black. Like in the Sopranos, people immediately speculated all sort of things, most saying that the screen going black means Obama opened the door and shot her.

Bloomberg
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg left the Republican Party yesterday and became unaffiliated; because like in any sinking boat, the rich are the first ones to abandon it.

Vatican
The Vatican yesterday released “The Commandments of Driving” starting with: “Thou shall not drive after the third mass if you are a priest.” Apparently 3 challis of wine goes over the Vatican alcohol limit.

The Vatican yesterday released “The Commandments of Driving” starting with: “Thou shall not jump onto a moving car, especially if the car is a Popemobil.”

Immigration
After the immigration reform bill is approved by the senate, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is considering breaking up the Senate measure into smaller pieces. Apparently when it comes to the building of the wall congressmen are going to discuss it brick by brick.

E-mails
President Bush denied ever deleting any compromising e-mail in the White House. He admitted he tried though, but the computer would not go through the shredder.

Diet Pill
A diet pill approved by the FDA which promises to help you lose 50% more weight than dieting alone is flying off the shelves despite its side effects of abnormal flatulence, oily discharges and heavy diarrhea. Manufacturers of the pill are selling the product together with cold medicine so you don’t catch a cold and sneeze.

June 19th 2007

The Price is Right
Last Friday Bob Barker left "The Price is Right" at the age of 83. The host said he doesn’t want to retire yet from television, he is just going to wait a couple of years until he gets old enough to work for “60 Minutes.”

According to several media reports Rosie O’Donnell could be replacing Bob Barker in "The Price is Right." It would be the first time the host screams more than any of the contestants.

The "National Enquirer" claims that Rosie O’ Donnell and Don Imus are in secret talks to do a show together. They want to do something similar to "The View" with Rosie playing Rosie and Imus playing Barbara Walters.

Blockbusters
According to experts "Fantastic 4" seems to be destined to make a fortune this summer. Not the movie though, but rather the "Fantastic 4:" Exxon, Chevron, Shell , and Conocophillips.

The movie "Transformers" is set to be a huge blockbuster when released this summer. Producers of the movie want to kill any speculation that "Transformers" is about the life of Senator John Lieberman.

School
Kids at Kilmer Middle School in suburban Washington DC are banned from any kind of physical contact. Apparently authorities don’t want students touching each other so teachers don’t get aroused.

Kids at Kilmer Middle School in suburban Washington DC are banned from any kind of physical contact with each other like hugging, poking or even high-fives after they tell their classmates they have just had sex with the teacher.

Obama
Democratic presidential contender Barack Obama on Monday said his campaign made a "dumb mistake" when it circulated a memo criticizing rival Hillary Rodham Clinton's financial ties to India. Apparently since the released of the info he hasn’t been able to fix his computer when he calls for tech support.

Fathers’ Day
Now that Fathers’ day has just passed more celebrities are sharing with the media the presents they got or gave to their parents. Paris Hilton gave her father a beautiful license plate she made in jail and Brad Pitt just hasn’t finished unwrapping all the presents he got from so many adopted kids.

Wall
The Senate is still debating the construction of a 700-mile wall at the border with Mexico. Some senators and congressmen still believe it is not a good idea to build such a long wall because they fear that at the end of their administration some people might be tempted to line them up against the wall and use it for other purposes.

June 18th 2007

Father’s Day
First lady Laura Bush gave President Bush several ties for Father’s day. The same happened with Dick Cheney’s family; the Vice President got his daughter some ties for father’s day too.

First lady Laura Bush gave President Bush several ties she purchased during their recent trip to Europe as a present for Father’s day. Bush had already gotten some ties during his trip in Europe: ties with the Russian Mafia and the Italian Mafia.

Alec Baldwin’s daughter got his daddy a 20 dollar phone card so he can leave her a long message.

Kevin Federlaine got a beautiful limo ride around Los Angeles, with a limo driven by his own kids.

EcoJet
British low-cost airline easyJet is working on a jet that would be environmentally friendly and could be built by 2015. Apparently what makes the jet environmentally friendly is a compartment inside the cockpit for pilots to recycle the empty bottles of wine.

British low-cost airline easyJet is working on a jet that would be environmentally friendly and could be built by 2015. Jetblue executives claim they already have a more environmentally friendly plane, the one that doesn’t take off.

Anti Missile plan
According to a new study by the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine, half of working-age men in Russia die from, quote, "hazardous drinking." In other news, Bush’s new anti missile plan in Europe has 50% chances to succeed, if the Russians in charge of their missiles are the drunken ones.

Cubans
A report says 30% of Cubans are overweight: the ones that live in Miami.

A report says 30% of Cubans are overweight: or as sharks in area waters call them, Big Macs.

Bloomberg
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg rode an SUV to get to a green car event. Bloomberg said he did it because it was only seven blocks. Apparently it was New York at night and they don’t have yet a bulletproof Prius.

June 17th 2007

Arnold
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger told a gathering of Hispanic journalists that immigrants should avoid Spanish-language media if they want to learn English quickly. Apparently he knows because he grew up watching "Sabado Gigante" and telenovelas in Telemundo.

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger told a gathering of Hispanic journalists that immigrants should avoid Spanish-language media if they want to learn proper English. Otherwise you might end up as governor of California or even president of the United States.

Bush
Press secretary Tony Snow continued Friday his campaign to explain that Bush didn’t have his watch stolen by Albanian fans. Now Snow claimed that Bush put his watch in his own pocket, together with several watches he stole from some of the Albanians in the crowd.

A new report shows that the former president Bill Clinton made more than $10 million in speaking fees in 2006 . Experts believe president Bush is going to triple that annual fee after he is out of the White House , but in Bush’s case he’d get pay if he doesn’t talk.

Republicans paid $4, 600 for a picture with president Bush at a fundraiser for Sen. Pat Roberts. The senator raised a fortune because he also charged Republicans $20 000 to avoid showing up in a picture with the president.

Republicans paid $4, 600 for a picture with president Bush at a fundraiser for Sen. Pat Roberts. Most of the money though came from the sell of T-shirts that said "I’m with stupid"

June 15th 2007

Scooter
A federal judge said Thursday he will not delay Lewis "Scooter" Libby’s sentence, and could send the former White House aide to prison within weeks. The judge said that he is afraid that if we don’t send Scooter to jail right now, the screen might go black and we will never know if he committed suicide, went to a Caribbean Island or hunting with Dick Cheney.

Lewis Scooter Libby’s lawyer were quite disappointed with the judge’s decision to send him to jail right away without waiting for an appeal. Apparently Scooter wanted to wait a month or so because he was afraid Paris Hilton was going to rough him up while in jail.

Bush
People are still debating about the watch president had stolen by Albanians during his last trip to that country. Some claim the watch was just a $30- dollar- watch while others claim it was a Titanic DNA watch. Judging by the latest Bush’s approval ratings it must have been a Titanic.

Crane
Punta Gorda police busted a man and woman having sex on top of a construction crane. Apparently the guy promised her to join the mile-high-club but didn’t have money for the air fare.

June 14th 2007

Immigration
According to a survey by Rasmussen Report , 70% of voters would favor an approach that focuses exclusively on securing the border. Those in favor of the reform should not be discouraged though , maybe it means people want to secure the border so the 12 million illegals don’t leave and stay in the country.

President Bush had lunch with Republican senators in an attempt to revive the immigration reform bill stalled in the senate. Things didn’t go well for president Bush, some senators said they would rather revive via mouth to mouth resuscitation the TB guy than the immigration bill.

NRCC
The National Republican Congressional Committee is expected to raise only half of what was raised last year. Apparently the NRCC knows that 2007 has been economically rough for Republicans as they spent most of their money buying books against Hilary and jewelry to their wives to forget about the DC madam.

Bush
Press secretary Tony Snow denied president Bush had his watch stolen in Albania and said that Bush put it in his own pocket. Apparently it is normal for the president to put the watch in his pocket as prevention ; a procedure that he developed throughout the years after shaking hands with so many congressmen.

Pork
Chinese inflation rose to its highest level in more than two years in May, driven by soaring prices for pork due to a pork shortage. The US has offered some help, apparently the Democrats are willing to pass a bunch of bills with enough pork to feed the entire Asia.

Falkland Islands
The Queen, Baroness Thatcher and Tony Blair gathered today to mark the 25th anniversary of the Falkland islands' liberation. One of the biggest celebrity guests was Gore Verbinski, director of "Pirates of the Caribbean III" who was at the meeting recruiting people for the next sequel.

Starbucks
A great number of recent published books have numerous Starbucks references because several authors have turned the coffee chain's nearly 8,000 U.S. locations into their writing spaces. Other skeptics believe the coffee references in the books is just another attempt to keep the reader from falling asleep.

June 13th 2007

The Sopranos
12 millions of Americans who saw the end of "The Sopranos" are still obsessively debating whether Tony Soprano died in the last episode or is still alive. Some people claim to have seen Tony at a gas station with Elvis Presley.

Alcohol
According to new data from the World Health Organization, Americans only rank fortieth, worldwide, in alcohol consumption. The number will increase significantly as soon as they free Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan leaves rehab.

Sleep Problems
According to a recent study more 70 million Americans suffer from some kind of sleep disorder. Most of them cannot sleep because they have been awaken by stupid phone calls about a research on sleep disorder.

According to a research abstract that will be presented Wednesday at the 21st Annual Meeting of the Associated Professional Sleep Societies , college students who go to bed late are more likely to have poor quality sleep, which may affect their academic performance; unless they go to bed with their professors.

Paris
During an interview with Barbara Walters, Paris Hilton said that she is reading several spiritual books during her time in jail. And like her time in jail she cries and call mom because she cannot finish a short sentence.

Books
Bookstore sales dropped 6.0% in April, according to estimates released by the Census Bureau this morning. Apparently it is hard to convince Americans to read when so many new books have the picture of Hillary on the cover.

Bush
President Bush visited Capitol Hill yesterday to have lunch with Republican senators in an attempt to revive the immigration reform bill. If some of the senators start to get thin and loose their hair we know exactly what kind of information Vladimir Puttin shared with Bush at the G8 summit.

June 12th 2007

Paris Hilton
During a phone interview Paris Hilton told Barbara Walters that she used to act dumb and that everything was an act. Apparently the academy is considering her for an honorary Oscar for such a fantastic and believable job.

During a phone interview Paris Hilton told Barbara Walters that she hasn’t looked in the mirror since she arrived to jail, especially because the mirror is not in the ceiling right above the bed.

Bush
Bush said he would be on Capitol Hill on Tuesday to lobby Republican senators to support a plan that would give up to 12 million illegal immigrants a pathway to legal status. There’s a little twist though, Bush now wants the 12 million to be Albanians.

President Bush is visiting today Capitol Hill to lobby Republican senators to revive the immigration reform bill. Apparently Republican senators immediately agreed on building a 700-mile-wall not in the border with Mexico, but rather around Capitol Hill to avoid being seen with the president.

US President George W Bush had his watch stolen while greeting crowds in Albania. The president immediately ordered his guards to go and capture the thief because whoever is that good at stealing should work for his administration.

Hiccups
Police said Monday that the 15-year-old girl whose marathon case of hiccups made international news earlier this year has apparently run away from home. They said that it would be very easy to track her down though by following the hiccups.

Police said Monday that the 15-year-old girl whose marathon case of hiccups made international news earlier this year has apparently run away from home. According to officials the main suspect is a sleepless neighbor.

Police said Monday that the 15-year-old girl whose marathon case of hiccups made international news earlier this year has apparently run away from home. Apparently she wanted to give her mom a big scare as a pay back for all the times they tried to scare her to cure the hiccups.

Travelling
According to a poll by the website HostelBookers.com, 76% of people say that they either had a serious romance, a fling or a one-night stand when they were traveling overseas. The survey was done among presidents visiting the G8 summit.

June 11th 2007

Bush
Touched and emotional for the warm reception he received in Albania, president Bush promised its citizens he’d work hard so they will never be portrayed as villains again like it happened in the Da Vinci Code Movie.

Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton was so terrified guards would snap a cell-phone picture of her on the toilet that she didn't eat or drink for three days. Apparently she was afraid people wouldn’t differentiate her from the turd.

Loonie
Experts believe that the strength of the Canadian dollar in comparison to the American dollar can force senior citizens to reconsider their trips to the border country to buy cheaper medicines. Fortunately for all of them Doctor Kevorkian was released at the right time.

Alzheimer
More than 26 million people worldwide have Alzheimer's disease, and a new forecast says the number will quadruple by 2050. That number might vary according to the number of people the Bush administration hires before the end of its term

More than 26 million people worldwide have Alzheimer's disease, and a new forecast says the number will quadruple by 2050. In other news more than 26 millions people worldwide claim their spouses cheated on them.

Paula Abdul
Bravo TV will broadcast a new reality show about the life of Paula Abdul called "Hey Paula". This is the first show where the person in charge of close caption doubles the salary of the main star.

June 10th 2007

William Jefferson
A federal judge Thursday seized the assets of Rep. William Jefferson after investigators raided Jefferson's home in Washington and found $90,000 in cash stuffed in his freezer. Ironically the judge needed to defrost the assets to be able to freeze them back.

Bill Gates
Bill Gates returned to Harvard University on Thursday to receive an honorary degree after dropping out of college 33 years ago to start Microsoft. Apparently, Gates dropped after getting tired of constantly failing "Copyright Infringement 101."

Bush
White House Officials said that George W Bush failed to attend morning sessions at G8 talks because of a stomach upset. According to Bush’s doctors, it was nothing serious, apparently Bush’s crap could not also find an exit strategy.

Shuttle Atlantis
The space shuttle Atlantis docked with the international space station Sunday. NASA reportedly is not real happy with the Atlantis crew. So far they've only sent back fuzzy photos of Paris Hilton.

Dick Cheney
Vice President Dick Cheney will have a routine heart checkup on Friday, his office said on Thursday. The checkup is scheduled to last 7 hours, 1 hour for the checkup and the other 6 to find his heart.

Storm
Two men were injured Friday afternoon in Lexington when lightning struck a creek near were they were standing as a line of heavy thunderstorms moved through the area. They all blame Giuliani who was in town talking about abortion.

Paris Hilton
According to law enforcement sources , Paris Hilton has not eaten or slept since arriving at the medical ward of a Los Angeles jail and is being given psychotropic drugs. After hearing about the drugs hundred of Hollywood celebrities offered themselves to do Paris’ time.

June 8th 2007

Paris Hilton
After serving only three full days behind bars, Paris Hilton was released from jail early Thursday just the same day she dared take her first shower. Apparently neither the guards nor the inmates could stand her singing in the shower.

After serving only three full days behind bars, Paris Hilton was released from jail early Thursday. She said her treatment wasn’t different because she was a celebrity, then she sped off driving herself a White Bronco without wearing a seatbelt.

In a written statement, Paris Hilton said she has learned a great deal from her time in jail, like making wine in the toilet.

Not everything was good news for Paris Hilton yesterday. Apparently her Chihuahua had to stay in Jail after it joined a Latino gang in prison.

Paris Hilton was released from Jail and will spend the rest of her sentence wearing an electronic bracelet on her ankle or as Hillary calls it: "The Equator."

Parties
Last night the U.S. suffered a first and rare shortage of kegs. Apparently there were not enough kegs to supply the huge parties at Paris Hilton’s house celebrating her release and Lou Dobb’s house celebrating the failure of the immigration reform bill.

June 7th 2007

Paris Hilton
After serving only three full days behind bars, Paris Hilton was released from jail early Thursday, partly due to "medical" reasons after she spent most of the days crying. Immediately after hearing the news Scooter Libby started sobbing and complaining he had a severe headache.

GOP presidential Debate
The format CNN had for the GOP presidential debate made it look like the Miss Universe beauty pageant, all the candidates introduced themselves on stage stating their State of origin and credentials. The only main difference with a Miss America beauty pageant was that when they had the Q&A session of the contest none of the candidates wished for world peace.

CNN's broadcast of the Republican debate delivered much lower ratings than the Democratic Debate. But to be fair, most of the viewers thought they were watching a rerun of "Lost."

LA Water usage
Los Angeles residents were urged on Wednesday to cut water usage by 10 percent in the driest year on record. In a written statement LA Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa demanded that illegals enter the country already bathed.

Los Angeles residents were urged on Wednesday to cut water usage by 10 percent in the driest year on record. In a written statement LA Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa begged young Hollywood actors to start drinking their alcohol without ice.

Cure for Blindness
Scientists in England announced yesterday that they're on schedule to completely cure blindness within five years. When asked about the news most of the blind people in the world said they were very happy and that they never saw it coming.

Scientists in England announced yesterday that they're on schedule to completely cure blindness within five years, eliminating the only excuse blind people had for not picking up the eye-seeing dogs’ crap.

Obama
According to several liberal websites, the Obama campaign will surpass the Clinton campaign in second quarter fundraising. Obama fundraiser officials stated that all the money that they collected in the first quarter was from Obama’s black side, now they will start collecting from the white side.

D-Day
Yesterday Americans celebrated the 63rd anniversary of the D-Day, when Americans landed in Normandy and turned the tide of World War II. Actually, for president Bush D-Day was any other day after an exam in school.

June 6th 2007

Bush in Europe
During his staying in Europe President Bush promised President Vladmir Putin he had nothing to fear of a U.S. missile defense shield in Europe. After all we can’t stop people from jumping a secured wall, let alone missiles.

Cure for Blindness
Scientists in England announced yesterday that they're on schedule to completely cure blindness within five years. They could actually do it sooner but they want to give eye-seeing dogs plenty of time to find another job.

ALMA
Eva Longoria, George Lopez, Rosario Dawson, Oscar De La Hoya, Andy Garcia, and tons of other Latino celebrities together with hundreds of fans gathered at the Pasadena Civic Auditorium for the 2007 ALMA Awards. Apparently they all arrived in the same limousine.

William Jefferson
Republicans moved on Tuesday to seek Rep. William J. Jefferson's expulsion from Congress, a day after the Louisiana Democrat was indicted on charges of taking more than $500,000 in bribes. They acted quickly because they want to eliminate every kind of competition.

Democratic Debate
CNN's Democratic debate averaged 2,783,000 million total viewers on Sunday night, more than any other presidential debate of this election season. Apparently they got a huge bump in the ratings from all the Hillary’s plastic surgeons that wanted to check how their work looked on TV.

CNN's Democratic debate averaged 2,783,000 million total viewers on Sunday night, more than any other presidential debate of this election season. Most viewers were confused thinking it was a Sunday edition of "The View."

Popemobil
A German man tried to jump into Pope Benedict XVI's uncovered popemobile as the pontiff began his general audience Wednesday and held onto it for a few seconds before being wrestled to the ground by security officers. Apparently the high price of gas is affecting Europeans as well.

June 5th 2007

Paul McCartney
Today Starbucks' Hear Music label is releasing Paul McCartney’s new album and all the Starbucks stores will be playing Paul’s album on a loop. It seems Heather Mills will be having breakfast at I-Hop.

Bush in Europe
President Bush began an eight-day trip to Europe on Monday. Global warming will be among several topics in the agenda. Apparently Bush’s new strategy for global warming is to start another Cold War with Russia.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel said that the situation in Germany is quite tense due to the violent protests for the G-8 meeting. President Bush was quoted saying "I think somebody needs a backrub..."

J. F. K. plot
A great number of liberals believe that the latest unfolded plot to blow up J. F. Kennedy airport is another false scare orchestrated by the Bush administration to distract people from the real news... like Paris going to jail.

TB scare
President Bush said that the case of the Atlanta lawyer with a dangerous strain of tuberculosis who was allowed back into the US has forced his administration to tighten security at the airport. Suspiciously enough Halliburton will start a mass production of Airborne.

Knocked Up
The new comedy Knocked up has received ambivalent reviews. Some critics say the movie is warm and funny, whereas other critics say Knocked Up is an abortion.

Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton checked herself in jail one day before her sentence demanded it. Apparently Paris was aware of how long it could take to do a thorough cavity search on her.

According to media reports, Paris Hilton will be allowed only 1 hour of TV a day while she is doing her jail time. This will be more than enough, because with her being in jail and Lindsay Lohan in rehab, most of the networks are just going to run Golden Girls reruns.

Michael Moore
Filmmaker Michael Moore has lost 30 lbs. in 3 months and claims his secret is getting plenty of sleep. Apparently, every time he is about to wolf down a double cheeseburger he gets shot with a tranquilizer.

Filmmaker Michael Moore has lost 30 lbs. in 3 months and claims his secret is getting plenty of sleep. Most conservatives agree and say they stopped eating popcorn when they fell asleep while watching one of Moore’s movies.

Criss Angel
U.S. illusionist Criss Angel began a 24-hour stunt on Monday that will end with him trying to escape from a small cement box strung up above New York's Times Square before it crashes to the ground. Somebody else has tried the same act before; he’s failed to escape and seems to have living inside a box for a long time: President Bush.

U.S. illusionist Criss Angel began a 24-hour stunt on Monday that will end with him trying to escape from a four-foot square cement box. It is an incredible attempt that most people in New York have failed because they can’t afford to get a bigger apartment.

June 4th 2007

Democratic Debate
During the Democratic Presidential Debate organized by CNN the most prominent candidates were asked the most number of questions. Edwards 13 questions, Hillary 15 and Obama 16, but to be fair, he was asked 8 questions as black Obama and 8 questions as White Obama.

Last Night CNN broadcast the Democratic presidential debate held at Saint Anselm College. The same place will hold a GOP presidential debate in a couple of days. It was really funny when cameras caught Dennis Kucinich carving on his chair "Whoever sits here next sucks."

Bill Clinton
During one of his speeches Bill Clinton said that under President Bush "we're now in the sixth year of an economic recovery that's been great only for rich people." He went on to say: “Thank you Bush. These have been the 6 most profitable years of my life.”

Paparazzi
Lindsay Lohan has blamed paparazzies for her latest problem with the abuse of alcohol and drugs because she cannot live a normal life. She claims that now there’s no place to hide from papparazies anymore. The White House immediately decided to launch a special paparazzi unit to find Osama Bin Laden.

Sequels
This summer sequels have dominated the movie industry. Spiderman 3, Pirates of the Caribbean 3 and the sequel of Snakes on Plane: "TB on a Plane...”

The case of Andrew Speaker, the person that boarded a plane while infected with tuberculosis has dominated the news the past couple of days. I don’t know you, but I’m tired of that mother-effing TB on this mother-effing plane.

19-year Coma
A railway worker who emerged from a 19-year coma in Poland said that everything looks prettier now, well not everything, not his wife.

A Polish railway worker emerged from a 19-year coma. His wife said that for 19 years she fed her husband Jan carefully with a spoon and sometimes he tried to say things but it couldn't be understood. Apparently all this time he was trying to say that the soup was too hot.

June 3rd 2007

Castro
In a recent article Cuban leader Fidel Castro accused US President George W. Bush of wanting to have him killed. The rumors immediately gave president Bush a huge bump in his approval ratings, unfortunately for the White House the increase in the ratings was only in Cuba.

Job Market
US employers added 157,000 jobs in May, the Labor Department said Friday. Most of the jobs went to supply the new demand in the rehab business.

US employers added 157,000 jobs in May, the Labor Department said Friday. Critics claim that the Labor Department is probably counting presidential candidates as jobs added.

Iraqis
Immigration aid workers expect that as many as half of the nearly 7,000 Iraqi refugees who will be brought into the United States by the end of September will settle in the area. They wanted an area that would allow Iraqis feel right at home.

Kevorkian
Dr. Jack Kevorkian, a former pathologist who used to help people end their lives in a non-painful way was released from prison last week. Unfortunately it was already too late for CBS executives who had already committed a painful suicide by hiring Katie Couric as a news anchor.

June 1st 2007

Drunken Bird
A homing pigeon belonging to an Oregon club wandered into a bar in central California after getting lost. Bar patrons said that everything was fine until the drunk bird bored everybody in the bar telling the same story over and over of how he pooped on President Bush.

Italy’s air
A report from Italy's National Research Council released Thursday found that there are traces of cocaine and cannabis in the air of some cities in Italy. Finally people understand the meaning of the Pizza Tower; it was built to honor the munchies!

A report from Italy's National Research Council released Thursday found that there are traces of cocaine and cannabis in the air of some cities in Italy. According to experts, future reports in other European countries will find the same drug traces and the order will coincide with Snoop Doggy Dog’s tour

Tuberculosis
The case of the Atlanta lawyer with a dangerous strain of tuberculosis who was allowed back into the U.S. by a border inspector has forced the US to tighten security at the airport. Apparently now while the airport screener is doing the cavity search they will ask you to cough and say 33.

Nicole Richie
An email invitation from Nicole Richie for a Memorial Day barbecue apparently listed that girls over 100 pounds wouldn't be allowed in and that there would be a scale at the front door. Apparently there would also be a bucket at the front door for those guests who went a little over the limit.

An email invitation from Nicole Richie for a Memorial Day barbecue apparently listed that girls over 100 pounds wouldn't be allowed in. Rosie O’Donnell confirmed her assistance and said she would take 4 friends, not with her but within her.