July 31st 2007

Al Gore III
Al Gore's son pleaded guilty Monday to possessing marijuana and other drugs, but a judge said the charges could be dropped if he successfully completes a drug diversion program. Things don’t look good for Gore III though as he was sent to Promises Rehab Center.
At least now he can carpool with Lindsay Lohan and help the enviroment !

Iraq
Iraq's parliament went into summer recess for a month on Monday after political leaders failed to agree on a series of laws that Washington sees as crucial to stabilizing the country. Members of the US congress could not believe it and promised to deal with this later, when they come back from their own vacation.

Michael Moore
Michael Moore was subpoenaed Friday for going to Cuba to shoot his documentary Sicko when he tried to show that the Cuban health care system is better than the American. Ironically, he encountered right there another difference between Cuba and the US because in Cuba the subpoena happens late at night, usually blindfolded and finishes against a wall with a fire squad counting down.

Britney
Britney Spears and K-Fed finalized their divorced and both maintained 50-50 custody of the babies. One baby will take care of Britney the other will take care of K-Fed.

Iraq
After the unity created by the Iraqi victory in the Asian Football Cup Championship Sunday, president Bush and British Prime Minister Brown decided to change the strategy. Apparently they are going to send a new general that is likely to have more success: General David Beckham.

July 30th 2007

Cheney
Dick Cheney had minor surgery Saturday. Right after the operation and while Cheney was sedated, doctors were encouraged by millions of people to place bowls of milk, catnip and tuna on his bed to see if it attracted the attention of Oscar, the famous nursing home cat.

Iraq
Iraq defeated Saudi Arabia, 1-0, to win the Asian Football Cup Championship Sunday. The Saudi Arabian couch said that none of his players would dare stop that Iraqi forward, because he was fast, skillful and had dynamite strapped to his body.

The Iraqi soccer team obtained a historic victory over Saudi Arabia and won the soccer Asian cup. Those Iraqi soccer players are pretty skillful at running fast and dodging people, and have already received several offers from soccer teams in the US and also by the insurgency.

President Bush said that his administration is responsible for the unity and happiness that flowed across Iraq Sunday after the 1-0 victory over Saudi Arabia in the soccer Asian Football Cup Championship. Bush said that the US should take credit for this victory because we sent the referee: Tim Donaghy.

Nicole Richie
Nicole Richie is heading to jail after a conviction for driving under the influence. Richie claimed that she is forced to drink because she is so skinny that she needs to see double to see her reflection on the mirror.

David Beckham
David Beckham is not likely to make an appearance for Los Angeles Galaxy in Texas on Tuesday, as he battles to shrug off an ankle injury. Apparently he got injured after a rigorous and intensive photo shoot session…

July 29th 2007

Dick Cheney
Dick Cheney had minor surgery Saturday to replace the implanted cardiac device that can monitor and correct his heart rhythm. Cheney was sedated for a couple of hours and during that time Bush had to assume the presidency.

Mr. Cheney had minor heart surgery and Saturday and had to be sedated for the procedure. According to the doctors they didn’t use a general anaesthetic to sedate the vice president, they just gave him the constitution to read and he immediately fell asleep.

Dick Cheney had minor surgery Saturday to replace the implanted cardiac device that can monitor and correct his heart rhythm. Doctors worked on Cheney’s heart without anesthesia because the heart has been asleep for years.

Dick Cheney had minor surgery Saturday to replace the implanted cardiac device that can monitor and correct his heart rhythm. The new device is much more modern and receives information from a gas pump so everytime gas prices go down it lowers Cheney’s heartbeat.

McDonalds
McDonalds reported a $ 712 million dollar second quarter loss. Apparently, the company lost a lot of money when Michael Vick got busted and they were forced to find a new producer of raw material for their burgers.

Fatness
According to a new study, you start gaining weight when you are surrounded by fat people, because you start changing your idea of what is an acceptable body size. That explains why Al Gore is so fat; he’s been hanging around with polar bears to protect them.

ABC
An ABC building was temporarily evacuated Thursday because of a suspicious envelope containing a white powdery substance that turned out to be aspirin. ABC executives explained later that they usually mail aspirins to their employees to cope with the headaches caused by "The View."

July 27th 2007

Drunken Astronauts
"Aviation Week & Space Technology" magazine reported that they'd found out about two NASA astronauts who went up into space completely drunk. Apparently that was the only way NASA had to convince the astronauts to go to space in a space ship that was created in the 80’s.

"Aviation Week & Space Technology" magazine reported that they'd found out about two NASA astronauts who went up into space completely drunk. Astronauts claim they got drunk because they knew there were not going to be any papparazies with annoying cameras up in space.

Question: When you are busted drunk in space and you have to do a sobriety test, do the cops make you Moonwalk on a straight line?

Cat
A cat at a nursing home in Providence has the uncanny ability to predict when nursing home patients are within hours of death by curling up next to them a few hours before they go. In other news Larry King has just purchased two ferocious dogs.

A cat at a nursing home in Providence has the uncanny ability to predict when nursing home patients are within hours of death by curling up next to them a few hours before they go. The cat has been seen walking inside the CBS network around the Katie Couric’s studios.

Shorties
Actress-Singer Hillary Duff is dating a hockey player, which is great, because she has enough teeth for both of them.

It was reported that Shell makes $3 million dollars an hour... and that is from only one SUV.

July 26th 2007

Lindsay Lohan
Lindsay Lohan was arrested Tuesday on DUI charges and cocaine possession. The problems for Lindsay arouse when the cops suspected she was drunk, decided to do a sobriety test and asked her how she would do on a straight line, and Lindsay said: "Let me show you, do you have a mirror?"

NBC
NBC's "The Singing Bee" was the most popular program for the second week in a row, according to Nielsen Media Research. The show rewards those listeners with good memory, the kind you need to remember the last time NBC had a number 1 show.

Weekly World News
Publisher American Media Inc. said on Tuesday it will stop printing the Weekly World News, which for 28 years gleefully chronicled the exploits of alien babies, animal-human hybrids and dead celebrities. Executives claim the competition killed them; by competition they meant Fox News.

Publisher American Media Inc. said on Tuesday it will stop printing the Weekly World News, which for 28 years gleefully chronicled the exploits of alien babies, animal-human hybrids and dead celebrities. People are hesitant to believe the news because it was published in the Weekly World News.

Baby Boom
According to the Army Community Hospital’s officials, military bases are seeing a baby boom, with hospitals expecting to deliver 210 babies a month soon, nearly twice the usual number of deliveries. Apparently that is the only way soldiers can have someone taking care of them in the future.

According to the Army Community Hospital’s officials, military bases are seeing a baby boom, with hospitals expecting to deliver 210 babies a month soon, nearly twice the usual number of deliveries. According to the Army, now that they have a tough time recruiting soldiers, poking holes in their condoms doesn’t look like a bad idea.

July 25th 2007

Lindsay Lohan
Lindsay Lohan was arrested Tuesday on a cocktail of DUI charges and driving with a suspended license just on the eve of the release of her new movie “I know who killed me." So far the main suspect is "Happy hour."

Lindsay Lohan was arrested Tuesday on a cocktail of DUI charges, driving with a suspended license and cocaine possession just the day she was scheduled to show up in the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Fortunately she still managed to be on TV that night, not with Leno though, but rather in the TV show "Cops."

Lindsay Lohan was busted for drunk driving and drug possession on Tuesday on the same day she was going to be interviewed by Jay Leno. The actress claimed she drunk that night because she was afraid of the tough drilling questions Jay usually asks his guests.

After Lindsay Lohan’s latest arrest, police said they are coming up with a new nose ring that will detect any cocaine snorting. It looks like any normal nose ring, the only uncomfortable thing is the drug-sniffing dog attached to it.

Oprah
Oprah Winfrey, host and supervising producer of "The Oprah Winfrey Show," earns an estimated $260 million a year, according to a list in TV Guide magazine's July 23 issue. Oprah said to be happy about it, Obama even more.

MySpace
Popular Internet social network MySpace said on Tuesday it detected and deleted 29,000 convicted sex offenders on its service. And that was only friends from one Altar Boy’s MySpace account.

Laundry
A marketing firm is inviting Republicans to register in a contest in which a "lucky" Republican winner can have Michael Moore come to their home and personally wash their laundry. To avenge the years of Moore’s abuse the GOP only registered David Vitter so Moore has to clean his non-disposable diapers.

Power Outage in Frisco
Sporadic power failures hit the city of San Francisco yesterday. Apparently, every time the lights came back, the walls showed up clean at the height of the waist mostly from people walking with their asses against the wall when it was dark.

GOP
Manchester Republican Committee is planning to raise money for the Republican Party arming supporters with Uzis, M-16 rifles and other automatic weapons for a day of target practice at a Pelham firing range. They expect to raise millions, especially if they use a picture of Nancy Pelosi as a target.

July 24th 2007

CNN/YouTube
Before the first ever CNN/YouTube presidential debate, Democratic candidates where asked which their favorite YouTube video was. Most of them said "Dick in a Box" but just because they thought it was a video of Dick Cheney in a coffin.

During the CNN/YouTube debate, presidential candidate Obama was asked if he was black enough, to what he said every time he is catching a cab in Manhattan he feels black. Until of course the cab driver finds out his middle name is Hussein and in that case he is invited to drive the taxi.

On the night of the first ever CNN/YouTube presidential debate millions of people gathered in front of their computers to access the Youtube site. Unfortunately it was not see the debate but rather the Drama Prairie Dog or the Chocolate Rain videos.

The first-ever CNN/YouTube debate started with the video from a voter named Zach who greeted everyone by saying "What’s Up?" It was sad to hear Joe Biden trying to sound hip and young when he answered "My penis…"

Alberto Gonzales
Alberto Gonzales returns today to the Senate Judiciary Committee to answer tough questions about his credibility as an Attorney General. Democrats promised to drill Alberto Gonzales, so much so that it is possible that they might find some of the lawyers he fired together with some polyps inside of him.

Compliment Machine
An artist from Washington DC invented a compliment machine that dishes out random compliments to passers-by along 14th Street in the US capital. Congressmen are considering the installation of the machine in congress because they wouldn’t need to hire a prostitute to say nice things to them, thus saving money and their careers.

African Language
A man accused of molesting a kid is no longer facing charges because the court took too long to find an interpreter fluent in his native African Tribal language called Vai. In other news the interest in learning this tribal language has increased dramatically, unfortunately not from people interested in interpreting, but rather priests that want to avoid future convictions.

July 23rd 2007

Colonoscopy
Doctors removed five small polyps from President George W. Bush's colon during a cancer screening Saturday, they were named: Exxon Mobil, Chevron, Texaco, Shell, ConocoPhillips.

Britney
Britney Spears is in trouble again for cussing out some paparazzi cameraman by saying "Hey baby when are you going to go on a diet, you fat f...?" Britney denied those allegations and claimed she was talking to one of her babies.

LA Robbery
A burglary crew has reportedly taken more than $7 million in jewelry from several L.A. mansions. The jewelry consisted mostly of alcohol-monitoring anklets.

Cheney
President Bush transferred the powers of his office to Vice President Dick Cheney for two hours Saturday while under sedation for a colon-cancer screening. When Bush woke up we were at war with Iran, Syria and Venezuela.

President Bush transferred the powers of his office to Vice President Dick Cheney for two hours Saturday while under sedation for a colon-cancer screening. It was enough time for Cheney to pardon Michael Vick and put him in charge of Guantanamo.

Iraqis
Thousands of jubilant Iraqis celebrated in the streets of Baghdad after their national soccer team beat Vietnam 2-0 in a quarterfinal match of the Asia Cup. Everybody participated, even suicide bombers honked the horns of the car bombs before slamming them into their targets.

Thousands of jubilant Iraqis celebrated in the streets of Baghdad after their national soccer team beat Vietnam 2-0 in a quarterfinal match of the Asia Cup. President Bush was wondering if those two goals could be counted as two more accomplished benchmarks.

OxyContin
Purdue Pharma L.P., the maker of OxyContin, and three of its executives were ordered Friday to pay a 634.5 million fine for misleading the public about the painkiller’s risk of addiction. Apparently they already recovered the money after Rush Limbaugh and Lindsay Lohan made their weekly OxyContin shopping last Saturday.

Giuliani
Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani received a surprised support by some firemen. It wasn’t the New York department, but rather Chuck and Larry from the blockbuster movie" I know pronounce Chuck and Larry" and just because they like Giuliani in drag.

July 22nd 2007

Colonoscopy
US President George W. Bush underwent a successful colonoscopy Saturday. The doctor said Bush was full of crap and that diagnose was before the colonoscopy took place.

US President George W. Bush underwent a successful colonoscopy Saturday. He immediately received a phone call from Katie Couric who offered to air the procedure so both can enjoy a rating boost.

US President George W. Bush underwent a successful colonoscopy Saturday. According to the doctors they didn’t use a general anaesthetic to sedate the president, they just gave him a book and he immediately fell asleep.

US President George W. Bush underwent a successful colonoscopy Saturday. It was a short a simple procedure in which a camera was inserted thorough the rectum, in this case it was an extra thin camera because it had to go around Dick Cheney’s hand.

US President George W. Bush underwent a successful colonoscopy Saturday. It was a simple procedure in which a fiber optic camera on a flexible tube was inserted through the anus to examine the colon. Unfortunately doctors could not retrieve the camera because they could not find an exit strategy.

Hillary
C-Span viewers were surprised Wednesday afternoon to see Senator Hillary Clinton talking on the Senate floor about the cost of higher education with an outfit that exposed some cleavage. It was hard to see it because there were bigger boobs walking around her though.

C-Span viewers were surprised Wednesday afternnon to see Senator Hillary Clinton talking on the Senate floor wearing a black top and revealing some cleavage. This is not the first time a Senator showed that cleavage. Apparently Senator Ted Kennedy once flashed his man boobs when his shirt unbuttoned.

Drug Trafficking
A Pennsylvanian man that was arrested for relieving his bladder in public, tipped the cops about a drug ring on the area and helped to bust 34 men for trafficking drugs. Now that is what I called " leaking information".

July 20th 2007

Friday Leftovers..........
All Night Long
After the all-night session at the senate, the only thing left were the cots and Senator John McCain going through every empty box of pizza to see if there were some leftovers to feed his staffers.

Nigerian Schoolchildren
Nigerian schoolchildren who received laptops from a US aid organization have reportedly used them to see pictures of naked women. They claimed that they were just checking pictures of her future moms Madonna and Angelina Jolie, though.

Michael Vick
Michael Vick was indicted Tuesday on charges of running a dog fighting operation including gruesome allegations of executing poor-performing animals by hanging and electrocution. Some people say his football career might be over, others say his friendship with Dick Cheney might have just started.

Heather
Heather Mills has rejected Paul McCartney's $41 million proposed divorce settlement. Heather says she was hopping for more.....

Breaking news:
U.S. Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said his knees hurt. He‘s not sure yet whether it is going to rain, or Al Qaeda is going to attack new York.

July 19th 2007

All Night Long
Republicans claimed the all-night session Democrats pulled last Tuesday was all political theater, especially when Democrats invited camera crews to film the arrival of cots and a crib for Senator David Vitter.

After the camera crews were done filming the delivery of pizza to the cloakroom and the arrival of cots, the effort by Democrats to force a troop withdrawal from Iraq was defeated by Republicans after an all-night debate. Fortunately the cots were removed early yesterday morning and returned to the Walter Reed Hospital.

Kucinich
U.S. Rep. Dennis Kucinich, D-Ohio, was hospitalized this week in Cleveland after contracting a bout of food poisoning. Apparently he ate the mushroom he lives under.

U.S. Rep. Dennis Kucinich, D-Ohio, was hospitalized this week in Cleveland after contracting a bout of food poisoning. The police didn’t rule out an attempt to poison Kucinich and said that every man that saw a picture of his wife is a suspect.

China
China will fire rockets into the sky to scatter any rain clouds ahead of next year's Beijing Olympics to ensure perfect weather. With their late rate of success, it’ll probably rain cats and dogs, the ones they killed with their tainted pet food.

School
The average American family with school-age children will spend $563.49 on back-to-school merchandise this year. Most of the money on pepper spray and protection gear against teachers.

July 18th 2007

Chappelle
Comedian Dave Chappelle checked into the hospital over the weekend for exhaustion. Apparently he got tired of explaning to his wife and friends why he rejected a $50 million dollar contract.

Hillary
During an interview Senator Hillary Clinton said that few times would she say something that she would regret because she thinks twice before opening her mouth.... and Bill just nodded.

During an interview Senator Hillary Clinton said that few times would she say something that she would regret because she thinks twice before opening her mouth and also because with the size of her ankles, you know how difficult it would be to put her foot in her mouth?

David Vitter
Louisiana Senator David Vitter apologized to his constituency for using an escort service. He claimed that he did it for the people of New Orleans, and that he was wearing diapers to research on how to prevent leaks in the levees.

Imus
According to the New York Post Don Imus is searching comedy clubs for a black co-host to get ready for his return next year. Unfortunately the only black thing he gets out of comedy clubs are his eyes.

Lindsay Lohan
Lindsay Lohan is supposedly dating magician Criss Angel. Apparently she fell in love with him the minute he made her alcohol detector bracelet disappear.

Cigars
The federal government has a new proposal out that would raise the tax on cigars from five cents to as much as $10. In other news Bill Clinton tripled the price of his speaking engagements.

GOP
Nobel Peace Prize winner Betty Williams said last week she would like to kill President Bush. Apparently since she made those comments she has become the frontrunner in the GOP primaries.

Hillblazer
A gay bar in Manhattan created a drink in honor of Hillary Clinton which has several fruits and a lot of alcohol. Apparently only after 4 of those you are ready to vote for her.

A gay bar in Manhattan hosted a fund-raiser called "Hillary Happy Hour" where they debuted a drink created in her honor. You know what time is Bill’s happy hour? Whenever Hillary is not around.

July 17th 2007

Path to salvation
Pope Benedict XVI approved a statement issued by the Vatican reaffirming the Roman Catholic Church as the only true path to salvation, especially if you are one of the people that got $1.2 million in the latest settlement for clergy abuse.

Ford
In an effort to inspire more confidence in its future, Ford Motor Co. is investing in a project to make a car fueled by hemp. Unfortunately, Toyota is already working on a faster and cheaper version: a car fueled by crack.

In an effort to inspire more confidence in its future, Ford Motor Co. is investing in a project to make a car fueled by hemp. The only known problem is that the car stops itself every couple of hours at a 7-Eleven to recharge its battery with chips.

Meet the Press
During a heated verbal joust in Meet the Press, Democratic Senator Jim Webb accused Republican Lindsey Graham of South Carolina of putting his political views into the mouths of soldiers. Graham totally denied it and said that the Bush administration doesn’t put political views into the mouth of the soldiers or helmets on their heads or vests on their chests.

The Emperor
A man calling himself "the Emperor" and declaring he was "here to take over state government" was shot and killed inside Colorado's Capitol building yesterday. Cops hesitated to shoot at first because when they heard someone screaming "I am the emperor" they all thought it was Bush again after a couple of beers.

McCain
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix is the number one movie in America. To give you an idea of the success, the lines outside the movie theaters are longer than the line to collect unemployment checks close to McCain headquarters.

According to Campaign finance reports released in recent days, presidential candidates are overspending. Sen. John McCain blew through the $11 million he raised during the past quarter Apparently, most of the money was spent on well whishes cards for the campaign staffers that resigned.

More McCain’s staffers are resigning. Things are going so bad for the senator that he was seen driving by Home Depot in search of new campaign aides.

Candidates' wives
The wives of some of the Presidential candidates are having a more important role in their husband’s campaigns. Apparently political strategists realized that a fight between Fred Thompson and Dennis Kucinich over oil is not as interesting as oil wrestling match between Thompson's gorgeous blonde wife, Jeri Thompson, and Kucinich’s hot wife.

July 16th 2007

Kevin James
King of Queens star Kevin James named his second daughter Shea after Shea Stadium because he’s a huge Mets fan. Apparently his first daughter's name is "Twinkie."

Aging
65-year-old Harrison Ford says he doesn't feel the effects of aging as he can still fit into his old pants that he wore in "Indiana Jones. His wife, Calista Flockhart, can also wear her old pants, the same pair of pants she wore when she had her first communion.

65-year-old Harrison Ford says he doesn't feel the effects of aging as he can still fit into his old pants that he wore in "Indiana Jones. He also wears the same kind of diapers he wore as a baby.

Paris Hilton
The Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department is investigating complaints that Paris Hilton got special treatment while in jail. During an interview her penitentiary butler denied the rumors.

The Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department is investigating complaints that Paris Hilton got special treatment while in jail. During a press conference Hilton said that it wasn’t her fault she received several cavity searches.

Weddings
Al Gore's youngest daughter, Sarah, got married Saturday night at the Beverly Hills Hotel. Unfortunately, they didn’t have the wedding rings. Apparently, Al Gore III was the best man and pawned the rings to get some drugs.

According to Forbes magazine Lisa Minnelli and David Gest’s wedding was the most expensive celebrity wedding ever at a cost of $3.5 million. Apparently, $ 3.4 million were used for David Gest’s make up.

Prince
A British Newspaper yesterday gave away Prince’s new Album with its Sunday edition. Not only did people get stained with the usual running ink from the paper, but also with Prince’s mascara.

School
According to a new study, fewer than half of American children who live close to school regularly walk or ride a bike to classes, the rest just gets there rolling.

Dollar
The dollar dropped to an all time low last week. The dollar is so low that Illegals are bribing border patrol officers with pesos now.

July 15th 2007

Iraq
White House spokesman Tony Snow said that the Iraqi lawmakers’ August vacation was justified because it’s 130 degrees in Baghdad and they needed to escape the scorching summer temperatures. Apparently Iraqi officials do not have the luxury of the fresh breeze of thousands of bullets our troops enjoy when they are being shot at.

Cigarettes
The price of a carton of cigarettes could go up again if congress passes a proposed legislation that would raise federal taxes on cigarettes. It is bad enough that we have to smoke outside of the bar and now we might have to hire a bodyguard to avoid being mugged.

Congress is planning legislation to raise federal taxes on cigarettes. The legislation will curve down the death rate for lung cancer; unfortunately it will increase the death rate for crime on the streets and heart attacks.

Bye bye plane
A woman said she and her toddler son were kicked off a plane after she refused a flight attendant's request to give her baby son Benadryl to get him to quiet down and stop saying "Bye bye, plane.” The mother was infuriated because she was left at the airport with no diapers, juice, milk and Benadryl to quiet her little bastard who would not stop saying "bye bye plane."

US Soccer team
The US soccer team returned from Venezuela after a poor performance at the American Soccer Cup where they almost didn’t score. The only one that understands them is Bush, who in 6 years has not reached a “goal” either.

Democrats
ABC News reported that Democratic rivals Sen. Hillary Clinton and former Sen. John Edwards, D-N.C., were caught on tape Thursday privately conferring and agreeing to have their campaigns collaborate. They denied any important agreement and said that they were just sharing hair tips.

July 13th 2007

Impeachment
During a radio interview Senator Barbara Boxer said the impeachment of President Bush "should be on the table." The only way impeachment will be discussed by senators is not if it is on the table, but rather under the table or under a desk.

Senator David Vitter
It was reported this week that Senator David Vitter paid a prostitute to make him wear diapers. To what the oldest Democratic senator Robert Byrd said "What’s wrong with that?”

Bob Allen
Police arrested Florida Rep. Bob Allen Wednesday for soliciting an undercover male officer for sex and offering to pay $20 for the opportunity. The worst part is that when he found out the guy was a cop he asked if the payment could be considered as a donation and be written off.

A tearful Florida Rep. Bob Allen said Thursday that he is not guilty of soliciting an undercover male officer for sex and had no intention of resigning his House seat. He chose the wrong words though, especially when he said: " I wish I could quit you."

Police arrested Florida Rep. Bob Allen Wednesday afternoon at a Titusville park bathroom after officials said he offered to perform oral sex on an undercover officer and to pay the officer $20 for the opportunity. Allen immediately got a phone call from George Michael to see if he was interested in reviving "Wham."

July 12th 2007

John McCain
Senator John McCain could be in serious trouble for calling some of his top fund raisers from inside Senate facilities, which breaks some of the Senate ethics rules. Apparently inside the senate you are only allowed to use the phone to call family members and escort services.

Senator John McCain could be in serious trouble for calling some of his top fund raisers from inside Senate facilities, which breaks some of the Senate ethics rules. People in Washington were shocked: Does the Senate really have ethic rules?

Senator John McCain could be in serious trouble for calling some of his top fund raisers from inside Senate facilities, which breaks some of the Senate ethics rules. McCain claimed that it is not true; he doesn’t deny he made a phone call about his campaign, he says he doesn’t have any fund raisers.

China
China executed the head of its food and drug safety agency Monday. It was a painful execution; he first was forced to eat some of the tainted Chinese pet food and after that he was obligated to brush his teeth with some Chinese toothpaste.

China executed the head of its food and drug safety agency Monday. A minute of silence was held by executives at Wal-Mart.

China executed the head of its food and drug safety agency Monday. China officials said they’ll be more careful examining their exporting products including pet food. Last time pets in the US were this happy was when Bob Barker quit The Price is Right.

Norway
A new study finds that one out of every 86 Norwegians has more than $1 million in U.S. dollars which in Norway is enough for a hamburger and a coke.

Britney
According to a web site, Britney Spears has spent the last week or so at a Los Angeles hotel because somebody called the authorities to report that her homes in Bel Air and Malibu were unsafe for her two young sons. Apparently what makes the houses unsafe is that K Fed’s CD’s were still scattered all around.

July 11th 2007

It is so hot.......
It is so hot that everybody was trying to be close to President Bush to feel in the low 20s.

It is so hot I sweated more than politicians checking the DC madam website.

Chertoff
On Tuesday, Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said terrorists prefer the summertime to strike. Apparently terrorists are convinced that in summer the 72 virgins are waiting for them wearing bikinis instead of burkas.

On Tuesday, Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said that he had a "gut feeling" about a new period of increased risk. A gut feeling? Are we supposed to raise the color-coded terror alert system to brown then?

Edwards
John Edwards’ hairdresser is saying now that in another instance he charged him twelve hundred dollars for another haircut. And Still Edwards has more campaign money than a bald McCain.

Fred Thompson
According to a Los Angeles Times report, in 1991 Fred Thompson lobbied for the pro-abortion National Family Planning Association which will be very useful because if more reports like this one show up in the media he might need to abort his candidacy

Pill
Researchers have created a single pill that appears to hold promise in curbing the urges to both smoke and drink. Fortunately we can still snort cocaine.

Procrastinator
According to a new study, a full 20% of people identify themselves as chronic procrastinators. The other 80% promised to answer the survey later.

Antidepressant
Dr. Kelly Posner, a psychiatrist at Columbia University said that 25% of Americans have a major depressive episode sometime in their life, usually when they see the list of presidential candidates for 2008.

Iraq War
More and more Republican senators are questioning the war. When asked about their reason behind their sudden change, they all said that the war has just jumped the shark.

Iraq
A progress report on Iraq will conclude that the U.S.-backed government in Baghdad has missed all targets whereas the insurgency has hit all of them: mosques, hospitals and schools.

DC Madam
Deborah Jeane Palfrey, the alleged DC Madam released her whole client list from the mid-1990s through 2006 on her Web site www.DeborahJeanePalfrey.com. You can also get access to all the names if you visit www.house.gov

N-Word
The NAACP held a funeral yesterday for the N-word. Apparently Michael Richards was responsible for giving it the eulogy.

The NAACP held a funeral yesterday for the N-word. They buried hundreds of rappers’ careers with it.

The NAACP held a funeral yesterday for the N-word. But there’s hope for it to come back to life as Imus is planning to hit the airwaves again in January.

The NAACP held a funeral yesterday for the N-word. On the other hand, and after the immigration reform discussions, “Wetback” is as strong as a horse.

Hillary
Mark Penn, Hillary Clinton's chief strategist proved how well positioned Hillary is to win the primaries by posting links to 40 polls showing Hillary in the lead. Unfortunately for Hillary, the polls were: candidates most likely to be cheated on, the loudest screamer, biggest ankles in the US, and so on.

Most areas of the U.S. are sizzling with temperatures near 100 degrees
It is so hot that almost no illegal immigrants arrived from Mexico. They stayed swimming in the Rio Grande.

It is so hot that most of CBS news writers used the word sputum in their news just to get the breeze from Katie Couric’s slaps.

It is so hot that prisoners at GITMO were begging for some water boarding.

It is so hot and the sun is so strong that Republicans are “peeling off.”

Bill Clinton said that this summer he wants to remain at Hillary’s feet, not because he wants to serve her, but rather because he wants to get some shade from her ankles.

Live Earth
Madonna was one of the performers at the "Live Earth" concert and she had a great impact on the audience about doing something for global warming. People will do anything to cool off the earth so we don’t have to see Madonna in 10 years with less clothing on stage.

The Live Earth concert had dismal TV ratings in the UK. It seems Britons understood the message of the concert right away and saved energy by turning their TVs off. After this unintended success, organizers are thinking now on having Paris Hilton as the only performer for next year, so nobody in the world watches the concert.

Members of the group Duran Duran talked during their performance on Live Earth about the importance of doing something for the environment. Shouldn’t they start by not enlarging the hole in the ozone layer with all the hair spray they use?

One of the messages the "Live Earth" concert wanted to spread was "recycling." The organizers gave the example by recycling bands like Genesis and Duran Duran.

Katie Couric
According to a New York magazine reporter, CBS host Katie Couric slapped across her news editor for including a word she detests. Apparently the word was "Ratings."

According to a New York magazine reporter, CBS host Katie Couric slapped across her news editor for including the word “sputum,” which she finds quite gross. It seems anchoring the news have changed her, where is the woman that broadcast a colonoscopy on national TV?

Bush
A study says 45% of Americans favor impeaching President Bush. What is even worse for the president is that the survey was conducted at his birthday party.

Political analysts are reporting that Bush might be right, the surge might be succeeding and soon the troops will be back: not the surge Bush wanted, but rather the surge in the number of Republicans against Bush’s strategy.

Mark Karr
John Mark Karr was arrested over the weekend on domestic violence charges after assaulting his girlfriend. People were really shocked, not so much by the fact that he was arrested, but rather by the fact that he’s got a girlfriend.

Cake
A grandmother was delighted to win second prize in a baking contest, until she discovered that her cake was the only entry. It reminded experts of another contest with similar characteristics: the 2004 presidential elections when John Kerry managed to finish in second place.

Al Gore
Al Gore's son was arrested in Southern California Tuesday for driving his Toyota Prius 100 MPH and having marihuana and several prescription drugs. Now we know how his father was able to convince musicians to play at his Live Earth concert.

Al Gore's son was arrested in Southern California Tuesday for driving his Toyota Prius 100 MPH and having prescription drugs like Valium, Xanax and Vicodin in his possession. The cops immediately knew he was lying, especially when he said he needed those drugs because he could not sleep. It is a fact that when you are Al Gore’s son, you don’t need any medication to fall asleep.

Al Gore's son was arrested in Southern California Tuesday for driving his Toyota Prius 100 MPH and having marihuana in his car. I guess he misunderstood his father when he told him to go green…

On the eve of his Global Warming concert, Al Gore said that if we don’t do something about Global Warming, in 10 years from now it’ll be a catastrophe, repeating the same words he used 3 years ago. Apparently Al Gore shares the same almanac Bush uses to determine the success of the surge in Iraq.

Bush
President Bush celebrated his 61st birthday attending a baseball game at RFK stadium. Fans murmured throughout the entire game that Bush doesn’t look a bit 61 but rather 25, 25 points of approval ratings.

Chrysler
Chrysler has announced it will start selling cars made in China by 2010. According to Chinese designers this is going to be the perfect car to rush to the doctor after you get sick from your Chinese toothpaste or to rush to the vet after your pet got poisoned with tainted Chinese pet food.

Iran
Due to an oil shortage , Iranians are forced to make long lines at the pump to put some gas in their cars. This is the first time in Iran that the line at the pump is longer than the line to stone an infidel woman

July 6th 2007

Friday leftover jokes.....
It is so hot that…
It is so hot that Bill is campaigning with Hillary just to get cold.
It is so hot that Hillary was forced to wear a skirt.
It is so hot I sweated more than the Republican senators that voted against the immigration reform bill going to eat at a Mexican restaurant.
It is so hot Cheney wants to be part of the Executive office again just because they have a better air conditioning system.

July 4th
Competitive eater Joey Chestnut beat 6-time-champion Kobayashi at the 4th of July hotdog eating contest after eating 66 hotdogs. Kobayashi also ate 66 but 3 were deducted after a "reversal," the term competitive eater officials use when contestants vomit, also known as "The Nicole Richie."

According to IRI Infoscan data, 4th of July was the number one day for sales of servings of beer in the U.S. Apparently 4th of July is the day we celebrate the independence from England with the dependence on alcohol.

Wine
A new study has found that wine can prevent tooth decay. Unfortunately you will still lose most of your teeth after you get involved in unnecessary fights.

Richest
Carlos Slim from Mexico has overtaken Bill Gates to become the world's richest person, with an estimated wealth of $67 billion dollars. Apparently Slim charges 2 billion dollars every time he mows the lawn.

Mexican telecom tycoon Carlos Slim Helu has overtaken Microsoft founder Bill Gates as the richest person on the planet after a recent 27% surge in the share price of his largest mobile phone network. Stocks went up due to incredible amounts of phone calls Mexicans in America made to their families in Mexico telling them to wait for them for dinner after the immigration reform bill was killed in the senate and they might get deported.

Cheney
Political analysts have said that if Cheney doesn't want to be part of the Legislative or Executive branch, it would almost mean that he is his own country. That could be one of the reasons why Bush pardoned Libby, maybe the country of Cheney threatened Bush to go to war with America if he didn't do it.

Zebrulla
A zebrula, a cross between a horse and a zebra, has drawn curious onlookers to a zoo in Germany who left the zoo wondering why is Camilla wearing a prison outfit?

July 3rd 2007

Memory
Researchers at Harvard and McGill Universities claim to have found an amnesia drug that may help people discard bad memories, while leaving the rest of their memories intact. Apparently the only side effect is uncontrollable munchies

Researchers at Harvard and McGill Universities claim to have found an amnesia drug that may help people discard bad memories, while leaving the rest of their memories intact. The drug was tested successfully on mice and Alberto Gonzales.

Amnesty
During a press conference president Bush repeated once again that it is not amnesty, because amnesty wouldn’t involve the payment of a fine. He was not talking about the immigration reform though, but rather Scooter Libby.

Doctors
4 Iranian doctors were involved in the latest terrorist attacks in England. It was a great blow to the US government who is in desperate need of bringing doctors from abroad to supply the huge demand caused by people who claim to be sick the day after 4th of July.

I-Phone
The Evening Standard reported Monday that the attempted London car bombings were meant to be detonated by calls to mobile phones in the two vehicles, but failed for technical reasons. Apparently when the terrorists bought the I-Phone they never expected they were going to be forced to use AT&T.

According to those in favor of the immigration reform bill, thousands of Americans were forced to wait in line for hours because they could not find illegal immigrants to pick up the Apple I-Phone.

Pets
According to a scientific study the best way to sedate your pets for 4th of July is to give them turkey. Apparently they get sleepy and tired after chasing the live turkeys around the house

McCain
Republican John McCain fired more than 50 staffers in what it was his second round of layoffs since his started his 2008 presidential campaign. The first round came right after McCain laid out his thoughts about the situation in Iraq and the third round of layoffs will come up immediately after he take a firm decision on any other controversial subject.

July 2nd 2007

Bush
The Secret Service bailed out President Bush on Sunday when his boat anchor got wedged in rocks along the Atlantic Coast. Later on, the divers confessed the anchor didn’t get wedged in rocks, apparently “the war in Iraq, the immigration reform bill and Alberto Gonzales” were trying to sink Bush’s boat.

Flooding
Authorities say heavy rain in Texas has resulted in several flooded roads, which helps illegal immigrants to make a non-stop swim from the Rio Grande to Houston.

Terrorist Attacks
According to a survey most of the Americans were shocked by the latest thwarted terrorist attack in England where two Mercedes containing gasoline and nails outside a popular nightclub were supposed to blow up. Americans were not surprised of the terrorist attacks but rather by the fact somebody would want to blow up a Mercedes.

Obama
A barrage of small donations from grassroots supporters helped Barack Obama raise $32.5m in campaign funds over the past three months, outstripping Hillary Clinton, his biggest rival because apparently when it comes to get money from grass nobody can beat Obama.

Surveillance cameras
During a Sunday TV interview, Senator Joe Lieberman said that he wants more surveillance cameras across the country almost everywhere, like in London. Right after the interview, the TMZ website decided it to sue Lieberman for copywrite infringement.

During a Sunday TV interview, Senator Joe Lieberman said that he wants more surveillance cameras across the country almost everywhere, like in London. Apparently 20 angles of Britney Spear’s privates don’t seem enough.

Most politicians from both parties showed discontent after Joe Lieberman’s idea of adding surveillance cameras across the country. Apparently it is not because the camera might interfere with everybody’s privacy but rather because none of them would ever have a chance to run for anything.

Roseanne Barr
Gossip reporters believe that a liberal rant Roseanne Barr posted on her website site asking for the impeachment of President Bush is a sign she is desperate to get Rosie O’ Donnell’s job in “The View”. That and the fact that she is been seen trying to make out with any woman that approaches her.