October 31st 2007

Halloween
The cheapest Halloween costume this year is to poke a hole in any old mask you have and call it "Cheney’s Hunting Buddy."

One of the most popular costumes this Halloween is to dress up as reporters, at least at the FEMA Halloween party.

Have you noticed that people are celebrating Halloween earlier this year? For example, yesterday, on the 30th, MSNBC broadcast live a Halloween party, with scary people saying scary things. Oh! Wait! It was just the Democratic presidential debate.

Politics
Republicans and Democratic presidential candidates have been attacking Hillary Clinton incessantly during the last couple of weeks. Bill couldn’t help it anymore and jumped into the fight. And you have no idea how Bill, together with the candidates of both parties are beating her up now.

Fire
Officials said a boy playing with matches started a wildfire that consumed more than 38,000 acres and destroyed 21 homes last week. The little kid said it was an accident. He had just finished having sex with his teacher and decided to smoke a cigarette, but he doesn’t remember the rest because he passed out drunk.

UFO
During the Democratic Presidential Debate Dennis Kucinich admitted he saw a UFO. Apparently he is not the only one. It is not a secret that Bill Clinton has seen tons of flying saucers every time he’s gotten home late.

During the Democratic Presidential Debate Dennis Kucinich admitted he saw a UFO over actress Shirley MacLaine's home. Apparently that was not the only time Kucinich saw an unidentified object; he claimed he once saw a person that was going to vote for him.

October 30th 2007

Halloween
In a new survey by the Associated Press and Ipsos, 37% of Americans say that if they were dressing up as one of the 2008 presidential candidates for Halloween they would choose Hillary. It is a very easy outfit, just a pair of pants and a broom.

In a new survey by the Associated Press and Ipsos, 14% of Americans say that if they were dressing up as one of the 2008 presidential candidates for Halloween they would choose Giuliani. Apparently to look like Giuliani you just need a Bush mask with less hair.

Obama
Presidential candidate Barack Obama showed off some of his dance moves during his appearance in the Ellen DeGeneres show. It wasn't good; it looked like his white half was doing the dancing, the Cheney part of the family tree.

Copperfield
An aspiring model has accused renowned magician, David Copperfield, of abusing her. This could be one of the biggest tricks Copperfield has ever pulled: making people believe he is straight.

Smoke
There was a scare yesterday in Sacramento California when neighbors spotted smoke coming out of a house. There was immediate relief when they found out it was just the governor’s house and Arnold was smoking some "leaves."

Iraq
A suicide bomber on a bicycle killed 30 Iraqi policemen doing their morning exercises at a base north of Baghdad on Monday. How expensive has the gas gotten that suicide bombers strike on bicycles?

Hillary
During a TV interview, Presidential candidate Mitt Romney compared Hillary to an intern for her lack of experience. Bill Clinton completely disagreed, not so much about the lack of experience Hillary has to become president, but Hillary is definitely not intern material.

Treadmill
A new product combines a treadmill with a work station. The product is doomed from the get-go. Americans hate to work, and now you want them to combine work with the other thing the hate the most: exercise!

October 29th 2007

Iran
A U.N. nuclear expert says Iran is three to eight years away from getting a nuclear weapon. If it were for Cheney, Iran would have a Nuclear Bomb tomorrow.

Last Supper
Officials in Milan put online the famous Leonardo Da Vinci's masterpiece "The Last Supper" so everybody can see it. The only way Americans had a chance in the past to experience "The Last Supper" was to have 3 Big Mac’s and a chocolate shake.

Old Coins
A family in Pennsylvania found piles of old coins worth as much as $200,000 in a long-abandoned home. Apparently the old owner used to collect "Loonies" when they were worth nothing.

NFL in England
The New York Giants played the Miami Dolphins Sunday in London. When the NFL players walked in the Stadium, the British thought all the protection gear they had on was to protect them from the hooligans.

Halloween
A recent AP poll found that minorities are less likely to trick-or-treat than white people. We, Latinos, have had some problems in the past. Everytime I sent my kids to get candies from my neighbors, I had to explain to them that they’d get the candy without having to hit the neighbor like a piñata.

Bicycle
Robert Stewart of Edinburgh was convicted for having sex with a bicycle. Apparently he rode her hard, but without its consent.

Future
An evolutionary theorist at the London School of Economics said that in about 100,000 years, humans will be split into two separate species: A group of super-humans, who will be between six and seven feet tall and live up to 120 years, and a group of ugly, unintelligent, small goblin humans. Apparently, the world will populated by Kucinich’s offspring.

Worms
U.S. researchers said on Thursday that altering a gene in the brain of female worms changed their sexual orientation, making female worms attracted to other females. Apparently, the only side effect so far is that the female worms wanted to get rid of their pet dogs.

October 26th 2007

Friday Leftovers

Fire
Evacuees affected by the wild fires in San Diego were sheltered in San Diego's Qualcomm Stadium Wednesday. Inside the stadium, they were offered yoga, acupuncture, massage therapy, cappuccinos and catered meals. And all that in the bleachers! Can you imagine in the luxury boxes?

Cheney
Dick Cheney fell asleep during a cabinet meeting about the California wildfires, until somebody kicked him in the chest, and the battery of the pacemaker started working again.

Dick Cheney was caught by news cameras sound asleep during the cabinet meeting Wednesday. I am stating the obvious, but vampires sleep during the day.
Well maybe all that fire makes him feel cozy and at home… in hell.

Dick Cheney was caught by news cameras sound asleep during the cabinet meeting Wednesday. White House officials tried to spin it, some said he was reading some notes and others said he was praying for the destruction of Iran.

Giuliani
Rudy Giuliani said yesterday that water boarding should or should not be consider torture depending on the circumstance. For example if you are water-boarding your wife because she is asking for a lot of money in the divorce settlement, it could be ok.

Global Warming
White House spokeswoman Dana Perino said yesterday that global warming has some public health benefits and that it helps poor people in areas of cold winters. Apparently, she forgot to mention that global warming also provides long and nice baths when during floods and helps you lose weight when it causes famine.

Britney
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline attended their first co-parenting class. They both failed the first exam because they copied each other.

October 25th 2007

Phenomenon
NBC last night debuted "Phenomenon," a TV show where 10 aspirants competing to become the world's "next great mentalist." The show already has a winner: The one that predicted this show is going to be cancelled soon.

Names
According to a new survey by Zogby, more than 20% of Americans say they would change their name for $100,000, especially if your name is Muhammad and you travel a lot.

According to a new survey by Zogby, more than 20% of Americans say they would change their name for $100,000. Republican presidential candidates would pay that amount or more to have their names changed to Ronald Reagan.

Condoleezza
A woman with her hands painted blood-red confronted Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice at the US Congress Wednesday, shouting "war criminal" before being hauled away by Bill Maher.

Obama
Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama has nabbed the backing of Duffy Lyon, a farmer famous for sculpting cows out of butter at the Iowa State Fair. After hearing of a sweet, buttery 600 pounds cow, Bill Clinton said he’s voting for Obama.

Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama has nabbed the backing of Duffy Lyon, a farmer famous for sculpting cows out of butter at the Iowa State Fair. Republicans are now desperate to get the endorsement of Chocolate Jesus.

Wrong Reasons
A new study on marriage finds that too many Americans are getting married for the wrong reasons: Jack Daniels and Jose Cuervo.

A new study on marriage finds that too many Americans are getting married for the wrong reasons. Let me introduce them to you: My son "Broken Trojan" and my daughter "don’t worry is that day of the month."

Michael Brown
Former FEMA Michael Brown is being offered to the media as available for interviews to discuss the wildfire crisis in Southern California. Because, if there’s someone that knows about disaster, that is Brown, not so much about how to deal with it, but more like how to foster it.

Former FEMA Michael Brown is being offered to the media as available for interviews to discuss the wildfire crisis in Southern California. Unfortunately he tends to be late for the interviews.

Giuliani
During a town hall meeting in northwestern New Hampshire Tuesday night, Rudy Giuliani said that blind people should be able to carry guns. He also said that he wouldn’t mind if Mohels and hairdressers are blind either.

During a town hall meeting in northwestern New Hampshire Tuesday night, Rudy Giuliani said that blind people should be able to carry guns. Maybe Giuliani is planning to hire them to guard the constitution if he becomes president.

October 24th 2007

Fire
It was reported yesterday that some of the evacuees at Qualcomm Stadium were enjoying meals provided by hotels in the area and even massages. What prompted Michael Bouble to say: "Bush does care about white rich people."

Fearing for their safety, about 50 suspected illegal immigrants have surrendered to the Border Patrol since Sunday to escape one of Southern California's largest wildfires. In other news, CNN host Lou Dobbs has been seen with a box of matches and a can of gas driving to California.

CIA
The CIA has unveiled a new Terrorist Buster logo which is inspired by that of the popular film, Ghostbusters. The only difference with the movie version is that while the Ghostbusters song goes “Who you’re gonna call? Ghostbusters!” the Terrorist Buster theme goes "We already know who you called… Terrorist Busters!"

Car Toilet
A Japanese company called Kaneko Sangyo Co. unveiled a brand new product: A portable, in-car toilet. Judging by the smell, I’m pretty sure some of the cab drivers in New York already use the car as a bathroom.

A Japanese company called Kaneko Sangyo Co. unveiled a brand new product: A portable, in-car toilet. The company warned the user to not use it for sexual purposes because you might hurt yourself if you do the foot tapping in the accelerator.

Hillary
According to the Center for Responsive Politics, Hillary Clinton hired almost 700 people to work for her campaign during the last three months, way more than any other candidate. Apparently it was the time when Hillary did the TV rounds, so she needed a huge crew to work on her wrinkles.

According to the Center for Responsive Politics, Hillary Clinton hired almost 700 people to work for her campaign during the last three months, way more than any other candidate. The problem with Hillary’s campaign staff is that she refuses to have interns.

October 23rd 2007

Bin Laden
Osama bin Laden released a new audiotape where the terrorist leader urges militants to gather under one banner. Hopefully he’s referring to the one that said "Mission accomplished" because we know how things went after Bush did that.

Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris announced Monday he is endorsing Mike Huckabee for president in 2008. If Huckabee as a president is like the exercise machine Norris endorses on TV, he is gonna be useful for 2 weeks and then will make for a wonderful coat hunger.

Britain
In a new survey, British people voted the electric can opener as the worst gadget ever. Apparently, they do not see the use for a can opener as they have always used their teeth to open cans and other objects.

McCain
During a campaign bus swing through South Carolina Monday, Sen. John McCain confessed he’s got the Swedish group ABBA on his iPod. Reporters were shocked: McCain has enough money for an iPod?

During a campaign bus swing through South Carolina Monday, Sen. John McCain confessed he’s got the Swedish group ABBA on his iPod. Apparently McCain still misses the torture he underwent during the Vietnam war.

Robots
CBS reported that the US is adding more robots in the war in Iraq, most of them designed by the same Massachusetts company that has sold millions of robotic vacuum cleaners to American consumers. It makes sense; those little Roombas can definitely clean the mess we are leaving there.

October 22nd 2007

Guantanamo
The US military has ended an inquiry into who smuggled an unauthorized Speedo at Guantanamo Bay. Officials discovered that some new prisoners were wrong and smuggled the Speedo because they thought water-boarding meant surfing.

Bush
President Bush declared last week at a press conference that he remains "relevant" despite his political troubles. The president said that to prove it he has just signed with VH1 to shoot “Bush of Love.”

Limbaugh
Radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh raised more than $2 million for charity by auctioning off a letter signed by 41 Democratic senators that criticized his on-air comments about U.S. soldiers. If Rush wants to raise more money, I know of a lot of people that would pay a lot more money to buy his medical records.

Elephants
A new study shows that elephants can literally smell danger. That is why the Republican Party is running away from Bush as fast as they can.

Coppola
Filmmaker Francis Ford Coppola said last week that Robert De Niro, Jack Nicholson and Al Pacino lack ambition and will not embrace challenges in their careers anymore. Unfortunately, none of them could challenge that statement because they were recording the voices for three cute fish for upcoming Disney cartoon movies.

Viagra
The FDA says that Viagra and other impotence drugs could cause hearing loss in men. What a bummer, just when you can finally make your partner scream and moan you won’t be able to hear it.

The FDA says that Viagra and other impotence drugs could cause hearing loss in men. Doctors recommend giving the drugs to grandchildren too, so they go deaf as well and do not get traumatized when they hear their grandpas screaming in the bedroom.

The FDA says that Viagra and other impotence drugs could cause hearing loss in men. That explains Rush Limbaugh’s early deafness.

Dumbledore
"Harry Potter" author J.K. Rowling has outed Headmaster Dumbledore as being gay. That answers the question why Dumbledore was always so interested in Harry’s magic wand.

"Harry Potter" author J.K. Rowling has outed Headmaster Dumbledore as being gay. Dumbledore denied it and said: I am not gay, I never have been gay”

Explosives
Officials have said that security screeners missed almost 60% of simulated explosives during tests conducted by undercover federal agents passing through checkpoints. Officials also noted that screeners took almost a 100% of passengers’ toothpaste, dry stick deodorant and bottles of water. So now you know it: if you want to smuggle some toothpaste into the plane, disguise it as a bomb.

Officials said that security screeners missed almost 60% of simulated explosives during tests conducted by undercover federal agents passing through checkpoints. Among those bombs: J-Lo latest CD and a copy of the pilot of "Cavemen."

Dick Cheney
Dick Cheney sent a memo yesterday telling White House officials to cut him some slack for future tardiness. Cheney said that if it was hard for him to be able to get a cab before as Cheney, can you imagine now as a black Dick Cheney?

Britney
Pop star Britney Spears ran over the foot of a photographer for celebrity Web site TMZ.com. last Friday. Spears said that that’s why she needs her kids back because if her kids had been driving, they wouldn’t have missed and killed the paparazzi.

Licenses
A huge debate broke up in New York over a plan to give driver licenses to illegal aliens. It is probably a huge useless debate considering that none of the illegals have enough money to put gas in the cars.

Some people in New York are outrage about a plan that would provide driver licenses to illegal aliens. If they are so concerned about illegal aliens, why don’t they come up with a plan that revoke the driver licenses of those who drive by Home Depot to hire them.

Friday Leftovers...
Britney
Britney Spears' visitation rights with her children were suspended Thursday because she has not complied with the drug tests. Britney said that it is a vicious cycle because if she doesn’t see her kids first, who is going to urinate in the cup for her drug test?

According to recent pictures, it looks like Britney Spears has her lips blown up. Apparently she did it because she wanted to lip-synch longer.

Britney Spears turned herself into a Los Angeles police station on Monday. Before she was let go, she was fingerprinted and the cops took her Muff Shot.

DNA Pioneer
The DNA pioneer and Nobel Prize winner, James Watson apologized Friday for his claim that black people are less intelligent than whites. Apparently when Watson heard Dick Cheney was part black he knew his life was in danger.

Birth Control
After an outbreak of pregnancies among middle school girls, education officials in Maine have decided to make birth control pills available to girls as young as 11. They got a lot of opposition from several religious groups but an unexpected increase in the number of teachers’ applications.

McCain
John McCain trotted out his ninety-five-year-old mother at his speech in South Carolina Wednesday to show that he's not too old to be president. Apparently his mom demanded to be there because if he is going to get a raise in his allowance she wanted to make sure McCain was not going to waste it in candies.

Bush
House Democrats on Thursday failed to override President Bush's veto of a children's health insurance bill. Apparently president Bush wasn’t satisfied though and yesterday he declared war against "Kid Nation".

Recruits
The Army, Navy and Air Force unwittingly advertised for recruits on a website for gays. They claimed they got confused when they saw a bunch of pictures of buffed men in uniform.

October 18th 2007

Hey everybody, I just want to thank Newsday and Ken Rasack for choosing one of my jokes, it is always an honor to be feature in such a great paper among real comedy writers. Thanks a lot!
http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun185418648oct18,0,5143971.story

Cheney
According to Lynne Cheney, her husband Dick Cheney and Barack Obama are related. That answers the question about Obama visiting churches that often during his presidential campaign; he was just looking for a good exorcist.

Smuggling
18 airline workers were charged Tuesday with helping drug traffickers smuggle heroin and cocaine through John F. Kennedy International Airport. The workers claim that that was the only way to get something high in that airport.

Blackwater
Breaking news: Blackwater to be out of Iraq pretty soon, likely to be replaced by “sewage water.”

Ellen
Ellen DeGeneres has gotten into trouble for giving to her hairstylist a dog she had adopted. This is not the first time Ellen has done something like that: a couple of years ago she got rid of another bitch called Anne Heche.

Happy couple
The Ladies Home Journal survey released last week shows 52% of women thought that Elizabeth and John Edwards had the happiest marriage among presidential candidates. The other 48% is divided into 1% each marriage Giuliani had.

The Ladies Home Journal survey released last week shows 52% of women thought that Elizabeth and John Edwards had the happiest marriage among presidential candidates. Some of the voters still couldn’t decide who the woman in the relation is, though.

The Ladies Home Journal survey released last week shows 52% of women thought that Elizabeth and John Edwards had the happiest marriage among presidential candidates. 100% agree, though that Hillary and Bill have the happiest fake marriage.

Surprise
A woman in Brooklyn discovered a 7 foot python in her toilet. Apparently, somebody in the family had had the new Hardee's 920-calorie breakfast burrito.

A woman in Brooklyn discovered a 7 foot python in her toilet which made Larry Craig very jelous.

October 17th 2007

Gossip
A new study found that gossip is more powerful than truth, suggesting people believe what they hear through the grapevine even if they have evidence to the contrary. In other news, Fox News just reported that we won the war in Iraq, Bush is the smartest president in history, and Al Gore killed two puppies barehanded.

Hillary
According to a study, Hillary Clinton gets more hits on her Website than any other presidential candidate. Still the amount of clicks she gets on her Website pales compared to the amount of clicks she gets on her phone with all the wiretapping going around.

Globe
Adolf Hitler's globe will be sold at an auction in San Francisco next month. If we truly mean that we want peace with Iran, Adolf Hitler's globe would be the perfect present to win the heart of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Cheney
According to Lynne Cheney, her husband Dick Cheney and Barack Obama are actually eighth cousins once removed. That explains Cheney’s black heart.

According to Lynne Cheney, her husband Dick Cheney and Barack Obama are actually eighth cousins once removed. Senator Larry Craig has also had some black into him too... several times.

According to Lynne Cheney, her husband Dick Cheney and Barack Obama are actually eighth cousins once removed. Apparently that is what she always tells her political girlfriends when she wants to show off about her husband’s endowment.

Screaming
In Scranton, Pennsylvania, a woman is facing up to 90 days in jail and a $300 fine for yelling profanities at her overflowing toilet. In her defense, she thought she was screaming at the TV set.

Ring
Police forces in San Diego arrested fifty people in connection with a cockfighting ring. Among those arrested, there were three priests, two senators and a famous “American Idol” host.

October 16th 2007

Al Qaeda
Marine Corps Commandant Gen. James Conway said on Monday that the U.S. military has crippled al Qaeda in Iraq. That is really dangerous, though, because now al Qaeda can get closer to their targets by parking in the disable parking spots.

Bush
President Bush said Monday that he thinks some day there will be a lady president and that she will be a Republican. Political analysts still wonder weather he was encouraging Larry Craig to run or he was referring to Giuliani in drag.

Rescued
Three college students, two women and a man, exploring a cave got lost but were rescued Sunday, more than a day after they entered the cavern. Immediately after being rescued, the guy told the firefighters: “Dude, couldn’t you have given me a couple of days?”

Fat Burrito
Hardee's is now offering a 920-calorie breakfast burrito. But if you want something lighter, you can always get the Giuliani special which has only 911 calories.

Hardee's has rolled out its new Country Breakfast Burrito that has 920 calories. Apparently it comes with one or two fat illegals inside.

Chubby
A 27-year-old fat German person fell more than 20 feet and slammed into the ground stomach first and was saved because of his ample girth. Unfortunately, 20 people that were walking on the sidewalk at the moment died squashed against the floor.

dogsindanger.com
A new website called dogsindanger.com counts down to when orphaned dogs will be put to sleep. Apparently, that is Michael Vick’s favorite porn site.

Saw
Saw actor Tobin Bell said that children can learn some very positive messages from these movies. For example: do only one original thing in your life and live the rest of your days ripping off that idea.

Ransacked
A Washington woman accused of inviting people to ransack her aunt’s house pleaded guilty and might end up in jail. Experts wonder if this could be taken as precedent against President Bush for letting people ransack the Republican Party.

October 15th 2007

Fidel Castro
Cuban leader Fidel Castro phoned Hugo Chavez during a Sunday broadcast of the Venezuelan president's television program. Castro called to see if he was the tenth caller to participate in the phrase that pays contest: "I Hate Americans."

NASCAR
Democratic Congressional staffers planning a junket to a NASCAR race in Raleigh on Friday got immunization shots for hepatitis, diphtheria, and tetanus. Republicans know better; they know you cannot have sex in a honey bucket.

Al Gore
After it was known Al Gore had won the Nobel Peace Prize, conservative right wingers went to the airwaves in a crusade to destroy, butcher, and quash the organizers of the awards for giving it to Al Gore. And then they wonder why none of them was nominated for the Peace prize.

Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize and added another award to an impressive collection of prizes he has won this year. Gore won the Oscars, the Emmys and by the way he looks now, it is obvious he won the 2007 4th of July Nathan’s hotdog eating contest.

President Bush congratulated Al Gore for winning the Nobel Peace Prize. The president also said that he’s been exercising pretty hard so maybe next year he can win the Nobel Prize for Physics.

Dentistry
A dentist accused of fondling the breasts of 27 female patients claims dental journals discuss the need to massage the pectoral muscles to treat a common jaw problem. In other news Bill Clinton dropped his charity tours to study dentistry.

Rice
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice opened an intense round of Mid-East shuttle diplomacy Sunday, to seek consensus between Israelis and Palestinians. It’s hard for Rice to try to close that gap between Israel and Palestine when she cannot even close the gap between her teeth.

Imus
Radio host Don Imus has secured a deal returning him to the airwaves on December. Apparently he chose December so he can utter Ho Ho Ho as Santa and get away with it.

October 12th 2007

Friday leftovers......

Edwards
Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards said that a tabloid story claiming that he had an extramarital affair was untrue. Edwards added that he’s been in love with the same person for more than 30 years: himself.

Ear
Australian philosopher and performer Stelios Arcadiou has had an ear surgically implanted in his arm. That is exactly what we need, to give Dick Cheney more ideas for wiretapping.

Testing
A man who was apparently worried about a random drug test asked an 11-year-old boy at a mall for a urine sample. Unfortunately, the man later tested positive for meth, crack, and high doses of butterfinger bars.

Cold Medicines
Drug makers pulled cold medicines targeted for babies and toddlers off the market Thursday. Apparently, parents will once again be forced to calm down their kids the old fashion way: two shots of wine.

Al Gore
Vice president Al Gore won the Peace Noble Prize. It is definitely not for his contribution to combat hunger in the world.

Vice president Al Gore won the Peace Nobel Prize. His speeches are so powerful that it is hard to start any violent act after the sleepy effect they have.

Vice president Al Gore won the Peace Noble Prize for his work on Global Warming. He said he’ll use the $1.5 million dollar prize to buy the biggest pimped up SUV in the world.

Breaking News: Al Gore almost didn't win the Peace Noble Prize after a fight broke out when someone was trying to eat his croissant.

Breaking News Al Gore lost the Peace Noble Prize when organizers decided to do a recount.

Britney
Britney Spears, Kevin Federline, and their two sons reportedly all have pinkeye, an infection caused by bacteria in the eyelids. Apparently, the family kept rubbing their eyes in disbelief that both Britney and K-Fed recorded new albums.

Britney Spears was granted one overnight visit with her children per week, as long as they're accompanied by a court-appointed supervisor. Britney specifically requested that the supervisor be a well-built man in his 20’s and that he should bring a bunch of 40’s and a pack of camels.

Coming out
Yesterday was National Coming Out Day. To celebrate, people were touching their feet in every Airport stall in America.

October 11th 2007

Hey there, I just wanted to thank my friend Ken and Newsday for posting some of my jokes. It is really an honor to be part of such a prestigious paper together with such great comedy writers. It made my day. Thanks
http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun5408573oct11,0,6594962.story

Lindsay
Lindsay Lohan says she wants to go on a charity trip to Africa after rehab. Africans are hopeful Lohan is going to solve the hunger problem; they are already planning meals with all the road kill she is going to cause.

Embassy
The opening of the mammoth new U.S. embassy in Iraq has been postponed. Apparently the contractor is waiting orders from the Bush administration to start building the in-law house in Iran.

Britney
Britney Spears is releasing her new album called “Blackout," not to be confused with the name of the latest GOP presidential debate called: Blacks out.

Arizona nightclubs are setting up special events, where women are encouraged to bring their infants to the club with them. The events are known as "Britney’s Night."

The new Britney Spears album will drop two weeks earlier than planned, due to widespread Internet leaks. Blackout will hit the stores October 30th, and the cover will be used to scare people in Halloween.

Bathroom
The fire department determined the cause of the fire that affected a bathroom in the senate building. Apparently, the fire started from a spark originated with so much foot rubbing in one of the stalls.

Charlie Sheen
The "New York Daily News" reports that Charlie Sheen once owned a $6,000 full-sized, anatomically-correct cheerleader doll. Unfortunately for Sheen, he was still forced to wear protection, because the doll was from China.

Chimpanzees
German researchers claim that chimpanzees make more rational choices than human beings. After reading the news, Dick Cheney set everything to go Chimpanzee hunting.

October 10th 2007

Hillary Clinton
Hilary Clinton has finished her "Middle Class Express" bus tour all over America. Hillary called the Middle Class tour "express," because thanks to President Bush's economy it is a fast and short middle class tour.

One older man at the Dakota City, Iowa event, the last stop on Clinton's "Middle Class Express" bus tour, told Hillary Clinton that she should look more like Paris Hilton. Clinton agreed; not Hillary, Bill.

Hillary Clinton said she has given up her "baby bond" idea which would have given every baby born in the United States a $5,000 account to one day pay for college or a first home. Apparently, Hillary changed her mind because the idea had upset one of Bill Clinton’s most important supporters: Trojans.

Priest
An Italian priest, who publicly declared his love for a woman, has lost his job. He was the one that had the longest line of kids in the confessional booth.

Illegals
According to some new estimates, there may be as many as 38 million illegal immigrants. People were shocked to hear that, not so much for the huge number, but rather by the fact that with so many illegals out there the Yankees still could not find a decent pitcher this season.

Al Gore
A lot of people are saying Al Gore could win the Nobel Prize this Friday. His speeches are so powerful that is hard to start any violent act after the sleepy effect they have.

Ann Coulter
Right-wing pundit Ann Coulter told Sean Hannity, that she will vote Republican because she doesn’t want to be fitted for a burqa. Apparently she knows how difficult it is to find a burqa that would hide her big Adam’s apple.

Right-wing pundit Ann Coulter told Sean Hannity, that she will vote Republican because she doesn’t want to be fitted for a burqa. Apparently she doesn’t want to repeat the hassle she went through when she was fitted for her KKK outfit.

Alcohol
A migraine pill Topamax seems to help alcoholics taper off their drinking without detox treatment, researchers report. The drug costs at least $350 a month, a calculated price so that you don’t have any money left for booze.

A migraine pill Topamax seems to help alcoholics taper off their drinking without detox treatment, researchers report. The drug costs at least $350 a month, so after you are cured you start drinking again when you realize the dent in your budget.

A migraine pill Topamax seems to help alcoholics taper off their drinking without detox treatment, researchers report. The drug has many side effects like: drowsiness, dizziness, and itching, which are pretty much the same effects you get with the booze: the drowsiness and dizziness due to the alcohol, and the itching after you had sex with a stranger you picked up at the bar.

October 9th 2007

Bush
President Bush denied emphatically once again that there is or was any kind of torture during his administration. Some people disagree and say that the very President of the US has repeatedly water boarded the English language.

Britney Spears
After a week away from her kids, Britney Spears spent time with her boys on Monday. There was an awkward moment when Britney told one of her kids that he looked so big; she was actually talking to a court-appointed supervisor.

According to TMZ, Britney Spears applied for the position of Bartender at the Viceroy Hotel in Santa Monica. If she flashes her privates for free, can you imagine what she would do for a tip?

Britney as a bartender is like Rush Limbaugh as a clerk in the pharmacy section of Wallgreens.

Britney as a bartender is like Larry Craig working as those people that hand you towels in the men rooms.

Britney as a bartender is like O.J. as repo guy.

Britney as a bartender is like Michael Vick in charge of a doggy day care.

Blackwater
Iraqi authorities want the U.S. government to sever all contracts with Blackwater USA in Iraq. Unfortunately, not even the Bush administration dares face those crazy mercenaries to tell them that.

Mexican president
Mexican President Felipe Calderon said in an interview Monday that countries should be "building bridges, not fences." The Bush administration concurs with him and that is why they hired illegal immigrants to rebuild the bridge that collapsed in Minneapolis.

Mexican President Felipe Calderon said in an interview Monday that the exodus of Mexicans is not a boom to the Mexican economy, because the country is losing ambitious young people. I kind of agree, the other day my gardener, Juan, asked me for a second glass of water.

Al Sharpton
Reverend Al Sharpton wants Knicks fans to not go to the Madison Square Garden until Isiah Thomas apologizes for his remarks against women. Like Knew York Knick fans need another excuse to not attend the games besides the pathetic team they have now.

Bob Barker
Bob Barker was sued Friday by a former Price is Right employee who claims that he sexually harassed her. Apparently, he left his denture stuck to her butt as evidence.

October 8th 2007

Britney
Britney Spears reportedly missed her first supervised visit with her sons last week because Kevin Federline rang the buzzer several times at her house but nobody answered. Apparently Federline doesn’t know the secret code: ‘Pizza Hut!”

Amputated
A man who lost his amputated leg when he hid it in a smoker that was later sold wants to recover it. He is “hopping” to get it back soon.

Richest Man
The world's richest man, Mexican billionaire Carlos Slim, told Diane Sawyer on "Good Morning America" that he doesn’t own a computer. That’s probably how he got to be the rich, he doesn’t waste his time watching porn at work.

Cell phones
A new prototype phone gives a fitness check to its user. Apparently, every time you use the phone to call Pizza Hut the phone calls you a fatzo.

Blackwater
US lawmakers voted Thursday to make private security firms in Iraq subject to action in US courts. Blackwater immediately agreed as long as it is in front of an LA jury.

Google
Google is reportedly worth $182 billion. Apparently, when you use their google satellite feature to locate their building you see a gigantic money sign on their rooftop.

October 7th 2007

Larry Craig
Sen. Larry Craig has been chosen for induction into the Idaho Hall of Fame. The senator is already an inductee of the Stall of Fame in Minnesota.

Sen. Larry Craig has been chosen for induction into the Idaho Hall of Fame. You can already read part of his thanking speech in the bathroom's walls at the Minnesota airport.

Lohan
Lindsay Lohan has checked out of the exclusive Cirque Lodge Treatment Center in Utah, where she has been since August, multiple sources confirm to People Magazine. Apparently when Lindsay found out Britney got rid of the kids she knew it was time to party.

Blackwater
The State Department has issued new guidelines to rein in and monitor Blackwater USA the private contractor that provides heavily armed security for U.S. diplomats serving in Baghdad. Apparently the State Department is going to hire more mercenaries to control the Blackwater mercenaries

October 5th 2007

Friday leftovers.......

Illegal Download
A woman must pay six record companies $222,000 for violating copyrights by downloading songs illegally. According to legal experts the jury could have awarded damages of almost $4 million but they became sympathetic for her when they found out she had downloaded K-Fed and Paris Hilton’s albums.

A woman must pay six record companies $222,000 for violating copyrights by downloading songs illegally. Ironically, some rappers sampled her voice and already made a record out of it.

Happy People
According to a recent research, the least-happy country in the world is Uganda. Researchers believe though that the number one spot can be stolen pretty soon by Rwanda, after Paris Hilton’s arrival.

In a recent survey by the Pew Research Center, 76% of Mexicans said they are satisfied with their lives. The other 24% lives in Mexico.

Spouses
According to a research by the Yale School of Public Health, spouses tend to copycat each other’s habits. I can’t wait for my wife to start downloading porn off the Internet, then.

Britney Spears
Britney Spears is about to release the video of her song “Gimmie More,” where you can see the pop star on a stripper pole. Apparently she needs to grab anything she can to keep everything from falling.

Hispanic Woman of the Year
Billboard magazine and the "Hollywood Reporter" have named "Ugly Betty" star America Ferrera the Hispanic Woman of the Year. Oscar De La Hoya came in close second after they looked at his latest pictures with stockings and make up.

October 4th 2007

Bush
President Bush vetoed a bipartisan bill that would have dramatically expanded children's health insurance. This is all part of his new policy "No children left alive."

Bathroom
The infamous airport men's room where Sen. Larry Craig was arrested is getting new stall dividers that now extend from the ceiling to the floor. This gave CNN host Lou Dobbs an idea: he went to the border with Mexico and started foot-taping with people on the other side of the border.

K-Fed
Kevin Federline attended a hearing Wednesday to establish Britney’s visitation rights. Federline arrived wearing a black patch over his right eye, covered by a pair of sunglasses. Apparently one of his sons punched him in the face when K-Fed tried to play his rap CD in the car.

Hybrids
Blind people are complaining that hybrid cars pose a danger because of their lack of noise. To be fair with Hybrid drivers, you can feel their presence when you hear the insults coming from any SUV driver around.

Holidays
In a new survey of 500 Hispanics in the U.S., 15% say they have no idea how to celebrate the traditional American holidays. Apparently they haven’t had time to learn because they are the only ones working on Holidays.

Under 25
AOL's Moviefone website has come up with a list of the 25 Hottest Stars under 25. In first place Nicole Richie. Even pregnant, she’s still under 25 lbs.

The View
Whoopi Goldberg, host of "The View", told House Speaker Nancy Pelosi that she would like to do it with her as well as her husband. Unfortunately, Pelosi’s husband told Nancy that if he'd ever had a threesome, he’d rather do it with 2 women and not another guy.

October 3rd 2007

Bin Laden
Homeland Security reported yesterday that there was a new video of Bin Laden, which showed Bin Laden and some of his people making nonsensical dialogue. Chertoff apologized later and said it was all a mistake; it was just a tape of the new ABC series "The Cavemen."

Blocks
According to researchers at the University of Washington in Seattle, playing with blocks helps young children gain language skills. I guess president Bush grew up playing tags.

According to researchers at the University of Washington in Seattle, playing with blocks helps young children gain oral skills. Apparently Paris Hilton once built a house of blocks almost the size of a real one.

O.J.
A judged ruled Tuesday that O.J. Simpson must hand over a Rolex watch of his to satisfy a civil judgment that found him liable for the deaths of his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. The court order specifies a "Submariner Rolex Watch" which is water and stabbing resistant.

Bush
White House spokeswoman Dana Perino said President George W. Bush won’t accept an invitation to visit a university in Iran by the Iranian president. Bush expects to send an official declination with some B 52’s in the very near future.

Isiah Thomas
A jury ruled Tuesday that Isiah Thomas sexually harassed a female and that the New York Knicks’ owner and its chairman should pay the victim more than 11 million dollars in damages. Isiah was distraught. He knows now that after the new Kobe policy, he’ll also have to award his wife a $4 million dollar ring.

High-Carb Diet
A recent study shows that a high-carb diet may help you think faster. That explains why fat people always choose the fastest line at the buffet.

Kid Nation
TMZ says that "Kid Nation" producers are scouting foreign locations for a second season because in the U.S. everybody's worried about violating child labor laws. They already got several suggestions from Nike offering their facilities in Vietnam.

October 2nd 2007

Isiah Thomas
A jury decided Tuesday that New York Knicks coach Isiah Thomas sexually harassed a former top team executive. Isn’t it unfair that the coach of the Knicks is found guilty and the players that have been screwing the fans for several seasons walk free?

Labs
According to the Associated Press the number of accidents in US labs has increased dramatically. Apparently the increase is due to those stupid experiments with Coke bottles and mentoes.

According to the Associated Press the number of accidents in US labs has increased dramatically. When you let rednecks prepare meth you know you are in serious trouble.

Britney
Britney Spears has lost custody of her children. The judge ruled that ex-husband Kevin Federline will take custody of the kids until he fails his drug test scheduled for Thursday.

A judge told Britney Spears that she has lost her two children. Britney immediately asked the judge if they had checked the car outside the bar.

Meat
According to one agriculture official, the nation's meat supply is "the safest in the world." Apparently, we send the rotten, disgusting meat to Guantanamo.

According to one agriculture official, the nation's meat supply is "the safest in the world,” so much so, some of our finest senators would do anything to protect other people’s meat.

Mick Jagger
Speaking in Germany, Mick Jagger said he was afraid Amy Winehouse might die due to drug abuse. Keith Richard, on the other hand, said: "more drugs for me."

October 1st 2007

Giuliani
In the last couple of weeks, Republican presidential candidate Rudi Giuliani has been saying he’s the only Republican candidate who can beat Hillary Clinton. He said that given the chance of a skirt throw down he definitely has better legs than the female Democratic opponent.

Monkey Rights
Animal rights activists are campaigning to get a chimpanzee legally declared a person. Things were working great until the monkey started throwing its feces at the judge.

Airlines
The airline industry reported that airline crashes are down 65 percent in the US. Officials said the decline has to do with an improvement by the airlines to identify and fix small problems and also to the fact that most planes spent most of the time on the runways this past year.

Trapped
A Washington state woman who was trapped in her SUV for more than a week is slowly recovering. Doctors said they expect a full recovery, but the fact that the radio of the SUV was stuck in the Rush Limbaugh show might leave some mental scars, though.

Airport men's room
Officials are trying to make the Twin Cities Airport men's room where Idaho Senator Larry Craig was arrested a less inviting spot for sexual liaisons. Apparently, they want to make them look more like the bathrooms in the Iranian International airport.

The infamous airport men's room where Sen. Larry Craig was arrested is getting new stall dividers that drop nearly to the floor to make it a less inviting spot for sexual liaisons. Officials believe the little holes they carved now can work perfectly as a way to communicate between stalls.

Nikelodeon
Nickelodeon went black for three hours Saturday afternoon so kids could exercise. Fortunately for the kids, there’s always a remote control and Disney Channel.

Partition
The U.S. Embassy in Baghdad is criticizing a Senate resolution that would divide Iraq along ethnic lines into three separate parts: those tribes with water, those with electricity, and those with food.

Cigarettes
Low-income people smoke more heavily than wealthier people do. Fortunately, we have a great health care system that is going to take care of them when they get cancer.

The children's health initiative passed by the House and Senate will be financed with a 156% increase in cigarette taxes. I guess my little kids better work that lemonade stand to pay for my pack of camels.