October 31st 2008

Friday Leftovers! Hey everybody if you feel like writing an e-mail to send suggestions, comments ideas or whatever, please write at pedrobartes@hotmail.com
You all have a nice weekend...

McCain
The McCain campaign couldn’t get many people at a rally in Ohio and was forced to bus in 4000 kids in order to fill the event, mostly Sarah Palin’s children and relatives.

Palin
Political pundits have been pointing out that Sarah Palin has gone rogue. And Joe Biden, Rogaine.

Joe the plumber
Joe the Plumber is said to record a country album. It’s going to be horrible for him to work as a plumber in the future and discover some of the toilets are clogged because people throw out his CD.

During a rally in Ohio, senator McCain called Joe the plumber to join him on stage, but to no avail. Apparently, Joe was laying pipes in his van with Sarah Palin.

Joe the plumber has been making accusations about Obama that even forced Fox News to have to correct him. He’s smart; he knows it helps his business. Now every time he opens his mouth people feel like throwing up and that clogs toilets.

In the news
A man in England, who lives in a trailer park, spent nearly $160,000 on his 16-year-old daughter’s wedding. Well, actually, it was $80,000 on her daughter’s wedding and $80,000 on her nephew’s.

October 30th 2008

Happy birthday to Diego Maradona! (I'm very proud to share my birthday with him)

Palin
Sarah Palin hinted the media Wednesday that she might run as a presidential candidate in 2012. She already received the endorsement of Gucci, Balenciaga and Dolce & Gabbana

Vandals
The homes of many U.S. Congressman were vandalized with offensive messages on Tuesday. So far, the suspects are 98% of the country.

The homes of many U.S. Congressman were vandalized with offensive messages on Tuesday. Police believe President Bush is involved because the messages were written with crayons.

Obama
Barack Obama went on national television Wednesday night and aired a 30-minute infomercial. According to the Obama campaign, everything was great; they sold tons of Abs-masters, George Foreman Grills, and Extenze natural male enhancement products.

Barack Obama paid most of the big networks for a 30-minute campaign ad where he told America he is the solution for this country. After that, Networks continued with the same message, but for free.

A New Mexico newspaper has already proclaimed Barack Obama the winner. Obama’s fans in New Mexico were very happy until they saw that the paper also proclaimed the Rays the winners for the World Series.

Economy
A group of people prayed outside Wall Street Wednesday to help the economy, but the market still went down. Apparently, God was busy doing some short selling.

A group of people prayed outside Wall Street Wednesday to help the economy, but the market still went down. Apparently, God was busy helping Obama with his half hour especial.

Marriage
According to a new survey, the romance officially dies in a marriage after two years, six months and 25 days. After that, husbands try to give it CPR hopefully once or twice a week.

In the news
There’s a new online map, HookUpMaps.com, that will help you find a date in your neighborhood. Unfortunately, it is the same map used by the police to keep track of sex offenders.

Researchers in Sweden have found that on the Monday after Daylight Saving Time ends there are 5% fewer heart attacks, not this year though, because this year it would mean one more hour of political ads.

According to a recent study, prescription drugs cost more in poor neighborhoods, but just because rich people buy them in bulk.

October 29th 2008

Elections
According to a recent study, more Republicans are afraid of losing the elections than Democrats. Apparently, most of the tickets to Canada booked after the elections are first class.

McCain and Palin cancelled their outdoor rally due to poor weather conditions yesterday in Pennsylvania. $150,000 on clothing for Palin and no one thought of a stupid raincoat or galoshes?

A website has created a porno movie based on Joe the plumber. And just like Joe the plumber, the actor in the movie is really bad at pretending he is a real plumber.

Florida Governor Crist has expanded Early Voting up to 12 hours a day. Apparently, voters in Florida this time needed more time to screw these elections.

The SUV John McCain and his wife Cindy were riding in North Carolina had a flat tire. Security started an investigation and they found nails in the pockets of Palin’s new jacket.

ABC is the only network that won’t be broadcasting the Obama’s half hour especial and instead will show "Pushing Daisies," a show where the main character has the power to bring people to life. I don’t want to say ABC is mad at Obama, but apparently, in this episode, the guy touches McCain.

Republican John McCain and running mate Sarah Palin told a Pennsylvania audience Tuesday that "it's wonderful to fool the pundits" regarding the latest polls that show them behind Obama. Unfortunately, to win the elections you don’t need to fool the pundits; you need to fool the voters.

A lot of kids are going for the Obama mask this Halloween. It is perfect for trick or treating because it only takes candies from rich people.

Several reporters who are following the McCain campaign are saying the tension continues between McCain and Palin. It was aggravated yesterday when McCain was forced to take Palin’s kids to see the High School Musical movie.

October 28th 2008

Steven
Sen. Ted Stevens was convicted today on seven counts of failing to report more than $250,000 in improper gifts he received from 1999 to 2006. Apparently, his lawyer wasn’t savvy enough to use the famous Palin’s strategy and say that Stevens was going to donate all those gifts after his career as a senator was over.

Palin
Sarah Palin said during a political rally that she doesn’t wear her wedding ring because it hurts sometimes when she shakes hands. And also because it leaves marks on McCain’s face after the slapping to wake him up during the speeches.

Fat wedding
Mexican Manuel Uribe, the world's fattest man in the 2007 Guinness Book of Records, got married. It was pretty romantic when he carried his wife on his arms to get into the hotel room, and them both were carried by a crane so he could move.

Mexican Manuel Uribe, the world's fattest man in the 2007 Guinness Book of Records, got married. Everything was beautiful and romantic, especially the part when he got on his knees, not to profess his love, just to pick up the rice they threw at him to cook some “arroz con pollo” later.

Director
"Deep Throat" director Gerard Damiano has died. Ironically, the news was hard to swallow by all the porn actors that were part of his movies.

Biden
Joe Biden lost his voice in the last couple of days. And they just caught Obama adding more ice to Biden’s drinks.

Isiah Thomas
Police didn’t buy Isiah Thomas’ story that it wasn’t him but his daughter the one that OD'd on sleeping pills. He wasn’t smart, if he had said the Knicks’ players were the ones that took the sleeping pills everybody would have believed it.

Couples
According to a recent survey, 9 in 10 married couples haven’t tried anything new in the bedroom since their first anniversary. He still does the same nanny, and she does the same gardener.

October 27th 2008

GOP
Sunday’s media was flooded with reports that there’s some finger pointing within the McCain campaign. Palin’s aides blame McCain for the future loss and McCain is pointing his finger at Sarah Palin, not to blame her, just to go with the joke, pull my finger.

According to media reports, Sarah Palin is going rogue and flying solo. It was actually McCain the one that wanted her to do that; apparently, he was sick and tired of sharing the plane with her screaming children all the time.
Latest polls clearly say that Sarah Palin is a drag on John McCain. It came as a surprise to everybody who thought the only drag for McCain was Giuliani.

The GOP tried to calm their political contributors, and claimed that the fact that they spent $150,000 on Sarah Palin’s wardrobe is part of their political strategy. She already appeals to the Joe-Six packs out there, now they want her to appeal to all the Pierre-Six Château Margaux as well.

Bush
White House spokeswoman Dana Perino said Sunday that President Bush has voted and will mail his ballot to Texas. According to Perino, Bush voted for McCain, but cut out a little portion of the ballot, to show discontent because the senator only voted 90 percent of the times with Bush’s policies.

“B”
Police said that a McCain campaign volunteer that claimed she was attacked by a black man that scratched a B on her face for Obama made the story up. A certified graphologist determined the handwriting on the B belongs to Karl Rove.

Police said that a McCain campaign volunteer that claimed she was attacked by a black man that scratched a B on her face for Obama made the story up. Not only that, apparently the B stands for “baloney.”

McCain’s brother
John McCain’s brother, Joe, called 911 to complain he was stuck in slow traffic and cursed at the 911 operator. Apparently, Joe was driving behind a very slow driver, his brother.

Isiah Thomas
New York Knicks coach Isiah Thomas was taken to the hospital and treated for an accidental overdose of sleeping pills early Friday. It wasn’t only pills; apparently, Isiah Thomas also watched tapes of the Knicks from last season.

In the news
A 73-year old man called the fire department after he got his junk stuck in a steel pipe. It was taking about 90 minutes to remove the guy’s member from the pipe, when someone in the department came up with the great idea of showing him a naked picture of Rosie O’Donel.

Some California voters are getting to cast their ballots at drive thru polling places. And, if things go like at McDonalds, when you ask for Obama, you end up getting a McCain.

October 24th 2008

Friday leftovers...Hey shoot me an e-mail if you feel like it at pedrobartes@hotmail.com
You all have a nice weekend

Obama
During an interview, Barack Obama sneezed on a reporter, who replied, "Your dad bless you".

During an interview, Barack Obama sneezed on a reporter. The McCain campaign is now saying Obama hates America and has started a biological war.

McCain
John McCain may skip his own election night party at the Biltmore Hotel in Phoenix on the evening of Nov. 4. Apparently McCain will attend Obama’s party which is guaranteed to be a lot more fun.

McCain said that Obama will say anything to try get elected, unlike Sarah Palin that won’t say much to try to get elected.

McCain said that Obama will say anything to try get elected. I agree, said Palin, and then she added: Obama pals around with terrorists, his wife hates America, and his two little girls are plotting to kill Dora the explorer.

Palin
Advisers to Sarah Palin said on Wednesday that the purchases of campaign clothes, which were classified as "campaign accessories", is not a big deal. As a matter of fact, Sarah Palin could be consider a "campaign accessory".

In the news
The HandleBar in Pensacola, Florida, is offering free beer to anyone who votes. Because that’s what we need to leave the faith of our country in the hands of alcoholics.

Samuel L. Jackson said that Barack Obama has to campaign carefully because "the last thing America wants to see is an angry black man." Apparently Jackson doesn’t want competition when it comes to represent to angry black men.

The Bush administration said that by the time Bush leaves office, they expect to complete 95 percent of security fence along the Mexican border. Apparently they need at least 5 percent of the fence unfinished so the members of the Bush administration can escape before someone catches them.

A contest that would pay $10,000 to an engaged couple, as long as they abstain from premarital sex, hasn't gotten any takers. Apparently Alaska wasn’t the best place to promote the contest.

A group of sixth-graders at Parkway West Middle School in Chesterfield, Missouri decided to make last Monday "Hit a Jew Day". And Mel Gibson was such a proud dad.

October 23rd 2008

Sara Palin
Sarah Palin says that the election results rest "in God's hands." She’s likely to lose then, because if God wanted her to win, he would have used his hands to cover her mouth during the Couric’s interview.

Obama
Some websites speculate that Oprah Winfrey might help the Barack Obama campaign "produce" the half-hour, primetime ad for next Wednesday. Apparently, at the end of the program, Obama points at the people in the crowd and screams, “You got a food stamp, you got a food stamp and you got a food stamp too!”

Some websites speculate that Oprah Winfrey might help the Barack Obama campaign "produce" the half-hour, primetime ad for next Wednesday. Apparently, Oprah suggested that Joe Biden should jump up and down on a couch screaming his love for America.

Conservative radio hosts have shed some doubt on Obama’s grandma’s sickness after the candidate decided to leave the campaign and visit her in Hawaii. The Obama campaign acted quickly and offered to share the 1,000 pages of the old lady’s medical records and give the press 5 minutes to go trough it.

Biden
Some political analysts say that Joe Biden has not been answering questions lately. In fact, the last questionnaire he answered was at the plastic surgeon’s office before the debate.

Economy
The economic crisis is so big, the IMF changed the meaning of its acronym from International Monetary Fund to I’M F.....

McCain
According to the Project for Excellence in Journalism, 86 percent of McCain’s coverage in the media has been negative and only 14 percent of the reports about him were positive... positive that he really sucks.

Elections
Voting activists are claiming voter suppression because early voters had to wait up to 8 hours to cast their votes in Florida and Ohio. What those who don’t want us to vote didn’t realize this time is that most people can wait more than 8 hours because thanks to this administration they are unemployed.

Miss Teen
Miss Teen Louisiana lost her crown 11 days early after being arrested on charges of leaving a restaurant without paying and carrying marijuana. Organizers of the pageant should have suspected she was a pothead, especially when during the talent portion of the event she mesmerized everybody with her talent for converting ounces into grams.

October 22nd 2008

Palin
Sarah Palin introduced another supporter like Joe the plumber Tuesday at an outdoor rally in Colorado: a Colombian construction worker who she named "Tito the builder". Tito, don’t get too attached to the new name, because if McCain wins the elections, it’ll probably change to Tito The Deported Builder.

Taking "Joe the Plumber" wordplay to an unprecedented new level, Sarah Palin on Monday dubbed Barack Obama "Barack the Wealth Spender". Fortunately for her candidacy, she ignored most of her rally supporters’ suggestions.

Sarah Palin introduced Tuesday at an outdoor rally in Grand Junction, Colorado, another supporter like Joe the plumber, a Colombian construction worker who she named "Tito the builder". Expect new ones soon, like Mike the policeman, Tom the cowboy, and Jeb the indian.

Political.com revealed yesterday that The Republican National Committee spent more than $150,000 to clothe and accessorize vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin including $4,716.49 on hair and makeup. This just in: John Edwards changed party affiliations and became Republican.

Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin charged the state for her children to travel with her, including to events where they were not invited. She probably saved the Alaskans tons of money, because if she didn’t take her kids with her, do you how much it’d cost for the government to deal with more teen pregnancy?

Voting
A woman in New Mexico was not allowed to vote because she wore an Obama T-shirt and broke the voting dress code. Apparently, you cannot wear any slogan or any color that shows your party affiliation. Officials recommended to wear something totally white, like a sheet.

Text Messages
A company is offering a new program called "Text Guard" that would let you read all your kids’ text messages for only $11,95. Unfortunately, you’ll probably have to pay a lot more to hire a translator to understand what they are saying.
A company is offering a new program called "Text Guard" that would let you read all your wife’s text messages for only $11,95. I can help you save money; she’s screwing her boss.

Loose mom
A woman in England told a newspaper that she lets her 13-year-old daughter drink, smoke and have one night stands with friends, as long as her daughter promises to join her in her political campaign .

Chubby
According to a recent study from the University of New South Wales in Australia, 1 in 3 kids who are born to chubby mothers have a chance of becoming obese themselves. The other two couldn’t find a good place to hide their food from mommy.

Bear
Police have seven suspects in the case of a dead bear covered with two Barack Obama campaign posters that was dumped at the entrance to Western Carolina University: Sarah, Todd and their five kids.

October 21st 2008

Obama & McCain
Barack Obama raised $150 million in only one month. Obama is getting so much money that McCain dumped Cindy and proposed to him.

The media reported yesterday that the John McCain campaign has solicited a financial contribution from Russia's U.N. Ambassador. In the letter McCain begs him to spread the wealth.

Barack Obama declared his love for the Rays during a visit to Florida and his love for the Phillies during a visit to Philadelphia. You cannot blame Obama; you can’t be good at sports when you wear flip flops all the time.

In the news
A stray kitten in Memphis, Tennessee, refused to come down from a tree for five straight days. Smart move, especially when at the bottom of the tree you got the cooks of Taco Bell waiting for you.

Miami-Dade Circuit Judge Douglas Chumbley resigned Thursday after he was accused of indecent exposure in a Starbucks bathroom at the University of Miami . The witnesses identified it as small latte, not grande at all.

Great news, gasoline fell to three dollars a gallon. Bad news, I just bought a stupid Hybrid.

The Rays defeated Boston in game seven of the American League Playoffs Sunday. So, first the rays killed the Australian guy Steve Irwin, and now the ratings of the World Series.

14 million people watched Sarah Palin’s appearance in SNL last Saturday. And you can imagine their disappointment when Palin didn’t shoot Tina Fey.

Sources say Madonna's lawyers intend to go into divorce court arguing that Guy made her feel "worthless, unattractive, unfeminine, insecure and isolated". Not only Guy, but also that guy, that guy and the other guy too.

President George W. Bush said Monday that Americans don’t have a sense of ``near-panic'' anymore after measures taken by the federal government. Apparently, it went from near panic, to total panic.

Australia is organizing the Olimpic games of sex in 2009. You might notice that Two and a Half Men might go on repeat in the next couple of months so Charlie Sheen can start training.

According to a recent study some soap bars contain caffeine. No wonder my French friend in class is always sleepy.

October 20th 2008

Sara Palin
According to the Center for Media and Public Affairs, Late night talk show hosts delivered 180 jokes attacking Sarah Palin and only 16 against Biden. Actually, the number of jokes against Palin was 90, but hosts had to repeat them so she would understand the jokes.

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin put a tracking device on his black Labrador dog. Apparently, Putin had received several complaints because his dog was getting into Sarah Palin’s garbage.

Most newspapers in the country are endorsing Obama for the upcoming election. It must be hard for McCain and Palin, especially for Palin that reads them all.

Obama
Barack Obama attracted 100,000 people at a Saturday rally in Saint Louis, his biggest crowd ever at a U.S. event. Unfortunately for Obama, most of the attendees went to see if Joe the plumber would show up again.

Barack Obama attracted 100,000 people at a Saturday rally in Saint Louis, his biggest crowd ever at a U.S. event. They were mostly painters, roofers and laborers that wanted to ask him a question and get their chance for free publicity.

Economy
President Bush said Saturday he will host an international summit in response to the global financial crisis. Actually, we’re so poor now, that Bush will be the host, the valet parking guy, the cook, the waiter...

According to a Chicago-based consulting firm, during an economic crisis the sales of laxatives go up. Apparently that’s the only way to be able to dump out all the stocks you ate out of frustration when you saw the market collapse.

According to a recent study, in times of economic recession, people are physically healthier. Apparently, people need to be fit to fight for food and to run away from the cops after stealing.

A study says that stress from the economic crisis is affecting pets. The stress comes from the constant fight with their owners over the pet food.

Robocalls
John McCain’s robocalls against Obama have received bipartisan condemnation. To be fair with McCain, he’s not the only candidate making phone calls. Apparently, Ralph Nader has been calling homes all over the country, not to attack anybody, just to make money on the side as a telermarketer.

Cats
Cats name after McCain and Obama attended the New York cat show this weekend. The McCain cat had big chances to win the competition, but it kept hiding behind a pussy called Sarah.

Dogs
Researchers say the first dog lived 31,700 years ago. They came to that conclusion after analyzing some fossilized poo that was never picked up by the owner.

In the news
Police in Michigan arrested a man at a car wash for engaging in sexual acts with the vacuum. It wouldn’t have been considered prostitution, but the guy paid the quarter to activate the machine.

October 17th 2008

Friday leftovers...if you want to send comments, suggestions, ideas, or anything, please send me an e-mail at: pedrobartes@hotmail.com
You all have a nice weekend.. Pedro

Joe the Plumber
According to some newspapers, Joe the plumber may not be a real plumber and may not be planning to buy a plumbing business. So, ironically, Joe the plumber was full of crap.

McCain said he’s thinking of inviting Joe the Plumber to a rally in Toledo, Ohio. The senator said he wanted him close because at his age he’s a got a serious problem of a leaking pipe.

Many media reporters suspect Joe the plumber is not a real plumber. The evidence? They saw him biting his nails... plumbers don't do that...

Joe the plumber gave tons of interviews and proved to be Republican. Democrats were mad and threw the kitchen sink at him. He fixed it.

Sarah Palin said she is hoping to meet Joe the plumber. Apparently, she wants to know if he can fix her daughter’s tubes.

In the news
Maryland's Division of Parole and Probation sent out yard signs for the state's convicted sex offenders to post outside their houses on Halloween. So, tell your kids to look for those signs that read "No candy at this residence" in big letters, and "but a lot of ice-cream and toys” in fresh paint.

Verizon and AT&T installed portable cell towers on John and Cindy McCain's Arizona ranch because the couple didn’t have cell coverage. Now they can call anybody, including the doctor to report the cases of skin cancer.

According to a recent study, having oral relations can cause cancer. And you thought it was hard to convince your wife before...

Brad Sciullo has become the first person to finish the 15-pound burger ,with another 5.2 pounds of toppings , on the menu at Denny's Beer Barrel Pub in Clearfield. If only Joe the plumber had a license.

AIG executives took yet another trip this time spending $86,000 to go hunting in England. Before you get mad, the hunting trip was with Dick Cheney.

October 16th 2008

Dick Cheney
On Wednesday, Dick Cheney had heart problems and Nancy Reagan was hospitalized with a broken pelvis. On the way to the hospital, Reagan told the paramedics “that Cheney, he’s a sex machine!"

Dick Cheney was hospitalized Wednesday due to heart problems. “Everything is under control,” said our new president Henry Paulson.

Dick Cheney was hospitalized Wednesday due to heart problems. It was a scary moment because all the CPR units had already been sent to help McCain at the presidential debate.

Debate
Both candidates during the debate repeatedly brought up the name of a guy in Toledo known as Joe the plumber. It was a wise decision; every American knows we will need a plumber to deal with all the crap Bush left in the country.

Senator John McCain said during the debate that he wants $300 billion to help people stay in their homes, especially on voting day.

Senator John McCain brought up several times during the debate the name of a guy in Toledo known as Joe the plumber. Of course you will need a plumber with all the concern Republicans have about ACORN.

Joe The Plumber
According to some newspapers Joe the plumber may not be a real plumber and may not be planning to buy a plumbing business. So apparently Joe the plumber was full of crap.

Sara Palin
Sarah Palin made an unexpected stop at a Wal-Mart in Southeastern Ohio yesterday. She wouldn't even answer if she wanted paper or plastic.

Hillary Clinton
During an interview with Fox and Friends, Hillary Clinton said that there’s zero possibilities she’ll run for president again, zero possibilities she’ll be nominated in the supreme court, and zero possibilities she’ll ever have sex with Bill again...

In The News
According to the U.S. Census Bureau 16% of men who are 40 and over have never been married. Pollsters didn’t ask any questions; they just counted the smiles.

Utah has started using a website that allows students to anonymously report bullies. The first message posted reads. I’m tired of the abuse of that bitchy, hockey mom. Signed B.H.O.

A grandpa in southern California built a 450-square-foot playhouse for his grandkids. Unfortunately, it was foreclosed on.

October 15th 2008

Palin
Newsweek magazine is under criticism because last week’s cover featured an unflattering picture of Sarah Palin. Her fans didn’t notice it though because after the 6 pack everybody looks hot.

Newsweek magazine is being criticized because last week’s cover featured an unflattering picture of Sarah Palin. Apparently, she was photographed next to McCain.

A company is releasing a Sarah Palin blowup doll for sale. The doll is identical to the real Sarah Palin but with less air in the head.

Ringo Starr
Ringo Starr said that he doesn't want fans contacting him anymore because he doesn’t have time to answer. Nobody believed him, especially when he said he needed the time to compose great music.

Ads
Barack Obama has begun advertising on billboards within the virtual world of an online video game called Burnout Paradise. McCain immediately counteracted and rolled out a version of the Ataris video game "Pong" with his head as the paddles.

Barack Obama has begun advertising on billboards within the virtual world of an online video game called Burnout Paradise. The McCain campaign wants the young vote too so they are thinking of including Sarah Palin as a hooker in the next edition of Grand Theft Auto

Airlines
U.S. airlines improved their on-time performance in August. The finding came in a survey done among CEO’s that traveled to the Cayman Islands.

Work
According to a recent survey, 5% of American workers consider their boss a "parent figure". Ironically, that number pales in comparison to those secretaries that actually call their bosses daddy.

Registration
Republicans have been making a huge issue about the group ACORN. McCain hates it. It‘s understandable; at that age ACORN is something you don’t want to bite with a fake denture.

Republicans have been making a huge issue about the group ACORN. So why was Mccain so happy last time he saw ACORN in his last BM?

In the news
A Ukrainian boxer used his son's wet diapers to keep his fists from swelling up after winning his heavyweight title against a Nigerian fighter. The loser of the fight wasn’t happy when he put into practice the same method because it was actually his face that got swollen.

A Florida woman was arrested for pouring scalding hot water on her husband's groin. She apologized and said she did it because she thought it would have the opposite effect of cold water

Personal property of David Beckham was found on eBay. Judging by his performance this season, Galaxy fans hope he was selling his legs because he sucks.

October 14th 2008

McCain
Senator John McCain’s advisors said Monday they have revamped the McCain campaign again and are ready for the final stretch. If McCain continues reinventing himself, he’ll be only two reinventions away from being Madonna.

Economy
Wall Street stormed back after its worst week ever catapulting the Dow Jones industrials to a 936-point gain. Apparently, people feel safe to invest again because McCain is going to the Letterman show, what means the economy’s recovered.

Wall Street surged hard Monday after several days of falling down. Economists don’t trust the market yet and advise brokers to call their doctor if the surge lasts more than 4 hours.

Spears
The National Enquirer says that Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant again and her mom is really mad about it. It is not that Jamie’s mom doesn’t want another grandkid, but this is not the right time to have them, with the economic crisis, magazines are not going to pay much for a cover picture.

In the news
There’s a new term out there being used: "fauxmosexual": a woman who acts like she's into other women in order to turn men on. Like Lindsay Lohan, or Ryan Seacrest.

A Florida woman was arrested for pouring scalding hot water on her husband's groin. She apologized and said she did it because she thought it would have the opposite effect of cold water.

Levi Johnston says he and Bristol Palin haven't decided on a name for their baby yet. Rumors are that if it’s a boy Sarah Palin has in mind two names: Smith or Wesson.

EU scientists warned Monday that listening to MP3 players at too high a volume for more than five hours a week can drive people deaf. Apparently, Bush listened to a lot of loud music on his bike rides, because he hasn’t heard Americans since he got in power.

October 13th 2008

McCain
Senator John McCain said he’s been preparing himself hard for Wednesday’s presidential debate. The preparation probably consists of a lot of aerobics and tons of cardio, considering all the walking he did on the last debate.

John McCain was booed during a town hall meeting after he described Barack Obama as a decent person. The booing came from Sarah Palin and Cindy McCain.

John McCain will visit the David Letterman Show on Thursday, three weeks after standing Letterman up claiming it wasn’t time for humor because of the financial crisis. Get your confetti and party hats ready because if McCain is going to the Letterman show the economy must be doing great!

Republican John McCain vowed Sunday to "whip" Democratic rival Barack Obama's "you-know-what" when the two presidential candidates meet Wednesday in their final televised debate. This is the first time his staffers hoped McCain had said “ass” instead of leaving it to the imagination of his supporters.

There's a new movement called "O's for Obama" which involves Barack Obama supporters having climaxes on October 24th in order to help him get elected. McCain supporters are fighting back and on that day they will try to take a BM.

Cubans
Two members of Cuba's national soccer team defected to America before a soccer game for a World Cup qualifying match in Washington. Apparently, with the nationalization of the banks, and the bailout of the companies, the Cubans thought this was a more communist country than Cuba.

Two members of Cuba's national soccer team defected to America before a soccer game for a World Cup qualifying match in Washington. The other members of the team were about to do the same, but after reading about the economic news they realized they would be better off in Cuba.

Palin
According to a high school report card that surfaced on the web Friday, Sarah Palin had a D in foreign Language. Apparently, she could see Russia from her home, but she couldn't hear them

The McCain campaign said Saturday that the investigation in Alaska on Sarah Palin’s abuse of power is partisan, and called it a “witch hunt.” Which proves what the Obama campaign have been trying to prove for months since they released that video with her pastor.

Economy
Leaders of the G-7 gathered in Washington to discuss the economic crisis. Ironically, G 7 was the room they all had to share to overnight because the White House couldn’t afford more than one room for all of them.

Economists believe that if Obama is chosen president the unemployment rate can decrease to almost 0%. That considering all the people that the government will need to hire to protect him.

In the news
A shark at an aquarium in Virginia got pregnant without having sex with another male shark, said a zoo official with only one leg and one arm and band aids covering most of his body.

An Italian woman was discovered to have been kept a prisoner in her own home by her husband for fifty years. When she was set free and saw the state of the world economy, she asked her husband if he could keep her capture for another 10 years until the economy recovers.

There’s a new place called Smash Shack that helps people relieve their stress and tension by throwing, smashing and destroying an array of breakable objects. It is a great idea, because as soon as your wife finds out you spent money on this crap, she’ll get the same relief by throwing objects at you at home.

Sunday was Columbus Day, the day Christopher Columbus discovered America. President Bush was looking for Columbus’ ancestors, not to congratulate them but to know if they would take America back.

October 10th 2008

Friday leftovers (with the economy as it is, leftovers are delicacy now...)
If you wanna send comments, ideas, suggestions or just to say Hi, please e-mail me at pedrobartes@hotmail.com
Have a nice weekend. Pedro

Economy
On Thursday, the day of the anniversary of the stock market peak, the Dow Jones fell to 8,579. The good thing is that the same flowers brokers got to celebrate the anniversary, were used for the funeral of the market.

The Dow suffered a triple-digit loss for the sixth day in a row, and the average dropped for the seventh day in a row. Now when you hear people saying “Drill Here, Drill Now,” it is not to get oil anymore; it is just to find how low the market went.

We’re getting so poor, we use forks and knives, forks to eat and knives to protect the food from other poor people.

The economy is so bad, Bill Gates went back to working Windows... windows, siding, roofing....

Palin
According to a recent survey, the ticket McCain/Palin is poised to lose the Hispanic vote by a landslide margin. Apparently, Latinos heard Palin is fond of shooting wolves, and they are afraid she might enjoy shooting “coyotes” as well.

National Debt Clock
The National Debt Clock in New York City has run out of digits to record the growing figure. The Durst Organization is planning to ad two more digits and, if things continue like this, two more every week.

The National Debt Clock in New York City has run out of digits to record the growing figure. The Durst Organization is planning to ad a new digit... a big middle digit!

Politics
Cindy McCain said that Barack Obama should "walk in her shoes" for one day. “Don’t worry, I’ll do it,” said Giuliani.

October 9th 2008

Palin
The 20-year-old who hacked Sarah Palin's e-mail account has been indicted by a federal grand jury. The judge let him stay out of jail as long as he stays anywhere without a computer. Ironically, the only place in the US without computers is McCain’s home.

Did you notice that Sarah Palin never wears pants, only skirts? Apparently, all her pants are burned, because “liar, liar, pants on fire...”

Economy
According to the New York Post, New York-based brokers, analysts, and finance executives who are suddenly looking for new jobs are having facelifts. Apparently, they discovered that restaurants only hire young waiters.

Biden
At an Obama campaign event in Tampa, Florida, Joe Biden was introduced as Senator John McCain. And Biden immediately sued his plastic surgeon.

Debate
Political analysts said that during the debate, both candidates were not clear and almost incomprehensible when talking about matters people care about. So much so, even Tom Brokaw was more understandable.

In the news
A Canadian man who missed the deadline to play the lottery by 7 seconds, had chosen the winning ticket and missed the chance to pocket $27 million in the Canadian lottery. In other news, a wife was brutally murdered for taking some time to decide which shoes to wear before going to a store to play the lottery with her husband.

A German man had a double arm transplant after losing his limbs six years ago. Everybody was in tears, especially his buddy Mike, the one responsible all these years for holding it for him when going to the bathroom.

October 8th 2008

Debate
Political analysts said that the phrase "That one" used by McCain to refer to Obama was inappropriate. The McCain campaign claimed it didn’t have any bad connotation; it is just that before the debate every time McCain asked people outside the Town Hall, “are you going to vote for me?” People would tell him: “no, that one,” so the phrase stuck to him.

Did you hear the debate was delayed? Apparently, we’re so broke, the couldn’t find anybody with a coin to do the coin toss.

Airlines
Delta airlines will block pornographic websites from its in-flight internet. Apparently they realized their seats are already too small to accommodate one person, let alone a person and his revitalized little friend.

Palin
The media reported Tuesday that during a Sarah Palin’s rally, when the candidate started to harshly criticize Obama, somebody in the audience screamed "Kill Him." It was almost inaudible, behind the screams of "Show you t... show your t..."

Political analysts believe that the tone of the recent series of speeches Sarah Palin gave about Obama, could hurt her future political career. They are borderline racists and too confrontational, what guarantees her a juicy contract as a Fox News anchor.

Congress
Congress passed a law boosting insurance coverage for mental health. As always, congress looking after their people first.

The economy is so bad, I went to check my 401 K, and they told me I only have 01 K's left.

In the news
According to a recent study, one in three employees have been attacked by a co-worker. The other two didn’t pat the receptionist’s ass after commenting that it was hard like a rock.

Scientists have built a robot that looks just like a little girl. And the store next to Woody Allen’s house just ran out of batteries.

The tallest man in the world has become a father. I don’t want to say his kid is going to be as tall as him, but he can already breast feed standing up.

A 61-year-old man has been charged with demanding sex from his wife and threatening her with a gun. The bad news for him is that he will have to go to jail; the good news, he’ll definitely get plenty of sex there.

A school bus driver was fired for attempting to quiet down the kids by stopping the bus on some train tracks while the train was approaching. That wasn’t the worst part; to make it more dramatic, she told the kids she was receiving a text message from the conductor of the train.

October 7th 2008

Palin
Political analysts believe that Sarah Palin should be clearer with her message, especially when she talks to the Joe-six-packs of America, because judging by the latest polls, it seems her message only resonates among those who have great abdominals.

During a rally in California, Sarah Palin asked for women support using a phrase she said she had read on her Starbucks mocha cup. After a great audience’s reaction, Palin gained confidence and used another quote she saw that day without saying the source: “Here I sit all broken hearted, tried to poop but only farted...”

Economy
Richard Fuld, the former CEO of investment banking giant Lehman Brothers, was punched in the face by a Lehman employee a few days after the firm had declared the largest bankruptcy in U.S. history. Apparently, Mr. Fuld left his tooth under his pillow and the tooth fairy left him $700 billion.

It’s been reported that Starbucks wastes about 6 million gallons of water every day, almost the same amount of water Republicans use to wash their hands off the financial crisis.

The number of plastic surgeries has gone down almost 40%. It makes sense because with the economic depression, no matter how big your breasts are or how young you look, he won’t get it up.

In the news
Michael Lohan is auctioning off the chance to fight him in a celebrity boxing match. This just in, his daughter and his former wife are in a bidding war to see who can beat the crap out of him.

A nonprofit organization called the Guttmacher Institute has found that only one in five teen virgins have had oral relations. An organization with a similar name called Buttmacher found a total different statistic.

According to an online survey released on Friday, almost half of U.S. workers do not respect their boss. The other half were already fired for not respecting their boss.

October 6th 2008

Palin
During a rally in California, Sarah Palin asked for women support using a phrase she said she had read on her Starbucks mocha cup. This is not the first time a politician governed by quotes. Clinton used to govern with quotes from Chinese Fortune cookies, but he will always finish the quotes with "In bed."

During a rally in California, Sarah Palin told the audience that there's a place in Hell reserved for women who don't support other women.” Immediately after she uttered that sentence, Hell became the only place in the world now with a booming Real Estate business.

Biden
According to some experts, Joe Biden had some sort of face-lift before the Thursday debate. It is an old strategy in politics; you do something to distract people from something else. In his case, a bad plastic surgery to distract people from his bad hair plugs.

According to some experts, Joe Biden had some sort of face-lift before the Thursday debate. That’s why he was outwinked by Sarah Pain, he couldn’t close his eyes.

Obama
Obama had dinner with his wife Friday to celebrate their anniversary. And as a present he only charged her less than $5000 to have dinner on the same table with him.

OJ
OJ Simpson was found guilty of a dozen counts of armed robbery and kidnapping. This time he didn’t try to run away; he wanted to, but he couldn’t afford to put gas in his Bronco.

OJ Simpson was found guilty of a dozen counts of armed robbery and kidnapping. The bad news, he could spend the rest of his life in prison. The good news, the price of his sport memorabilia is going to skyrocket.

Mortgage
Mortgage finance company Fannie Mae said it is forgiving the mortgage debt of a 90-year-old woman who shot herself in the chest as sheriff's deputies attempted to evict her. When he heard the news, Ed McMahon went immediately shopping for a gun.

Video
Adam Gadahn, al Qaeda's media director, released a new video criticizing America and bringing back the fear of terrorism. I don’t want to say this could be another page in Karl Rove’s strategy to help McCain win the elections, but it is suspicious that at the end of the video, the al Qaeda guy winks at the camera.

GOP
Political analysts say that the latest economic crisis and trend in the polls have made the Republicans very pessimistic, finally something that relates Republicans to every day Americans.

In the news
A guy in New Zealand had a personalized license on his car that said "STOWLN" and then his car got actually ripped off. You don’t want to know what happened to the other guy whose license plate was "R8PT."

During an interview with Katie Couric, Sarah Palin said she reads all the magazines and newspapers. She immediately received a thank you note from the editor of a "Take-a–number-two-on-my-chest fetish” Magazine.

In a recent survey, 72% of Americans said that women should NOT return to their traditional roles in society. Men answered the survey while resting in the couch, eating bom boms, watching Oprah, and waiting for their wives to come back from work with the money.

Employers cut nearly 160,000 jobs in September, mostly SNL writers because, since Tyna Fey started doing Palin, they don’t need to write anymore for her to be funny; she just repeats any stupid thing Palin says.

Scientists say they have discovered why bad memories stay with us. In my case, my dad’s belt marks all over my butt.

October 3rd 2008

Friday leftovers! Hey guys if you have any comments, suggestions, ideas or anything, please write me an e-mail at pedrobartes@hotmail.com
You all have a nice weekend. Pedro

Market
The market went down again on Thursday because of unemployment rate numbers. U.S. employers eliminated 110,000 net jobs, most of them the people that prepped Sarah Palin for the interview with Katie Couric.

Debate
According to political pundits, Sarah Palin had a great performance in the first half of the debate but declined considerably in the second half. Fortunately for her, by that time, all the Joe-Six-Pack’s out there had passed out already after drinking the packs.

Most pundits agreed last night that Joe Biden was controlled and his answers were short and right the point, something he’s not known for. I wouldn’t like to be in his wife’s shoes when he got home after the debate. He’s probably still talking.

The debate started a little bit later than expected. Apparently, during the coin toss to determine the order of the answers, Palin kept shooting the coin.

McCain
John McCain said that the reason he's dropped in the polls is because "Sometimes, life isn't fair." I agree, said a bunch of CEO’s celebrating the bailout vote in the senate, eating caviar and drinking champagne.

Palin
In an interview aired Thursday, Sarah Palin claimed that Dick Cheney's worst act as vice president was his "duck hunting accident." Because you don’t shoot lawyers in the face; if you want to kill them, you shoot straight to the heart.

In the News
A New Jersey woman claims she was sexually assaulted by a male JetBlue flight attendant. The airline immediately fired the flight attendant for not being gay.

The national debt clock in New York is about to run out of digits. Nothing to worry about, we ask China for some money and replace it for another one right away, one with flashy lights and even music.

NASA says that China may beat the U.S. in returning a man to the moon. Apparently, they are going to pirate the tape of our landing.

Researchers from Harvard University say that getting enough sleep makes you more creative. Can somebody please give some Ambien to the creators of According to Jim?

An Italian neurologist says the stress of having an affair can kill you, especially if your wife catches you when you are doing it.

October 2nd 2008

Awesome news , I am a CEO and the goverment is bailing me out! I wish, actually even better news. I'm in Newday! Thanks to Mr Rasak and the people at Newsday for choosing one of my jokes, always an honor. Check the link:
http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun5866223oct02,0,298905.story

Bush
A harsh and quite detrimental movie about President Bush’s life is about to be released soon. And this is the genius of president Bush; the economy under his administration is so bad, nobody will have any money to go see it.

In a recent Washington Post poll, President Bush received the lowest approval ratings of any president in the history of this country. Who said Bush was a divider? He united most Americans into hating him.

McCain
John McCain is selling a 5,000-square-foot Arizona mansion for $12 million. He knows what he’s doing; this is the perfect time; as soon as one of the CEO’s gets the money from the bailout, they can buy it right away.

After giving a speech on the economy in Independence, MO, Senator John McCain wandered around the stage for a while looking for the exit. And that’s not all; the most embarrassing part was that president Bush was the one that guided him out to find the exit.

Sarah Palin
During an interview with Katie Couric, Sarah Palin spoke about the disastrous economy. She said that if we don’t act now, this is going to be more than the Great Depression, this is going to be the Fabulous depression.

During an interview with Katie Couric, Sarah Palin couldn’t name any supreme court case other than Roe V. Wade. Then on the way home Palin grabbed her head and said: “how could I forget about Kramer VS Kramer and Spy Vs Spy?”

Sarah Palin told Katie Couric that she's been listening to Joe Biden since she was in the second grade. So, her grandma was probably listening to McCain’s speeches since she was in second grade as well.

A video of Sarah Palin playing the flute during a beauty pageant surfaced the web Wednesday. Now republicans are using the video to say that she’ll lure the rats out of Washington DC into a river where they will all drown.

A video of Sarah Palin playing the flute during a beauty pageant surfaced the web Wednesday. And we all thought Bill Clinton liked her before...

Life expectancy
According to a company called Bragg Associates, Obama’s life expectancy is 22 years. He might not make it to the elections though, his life expectancy decreases a month or two for every gaffe Joe Biden makes.

According to a company called Bragg Associates, McCain’s life expectancy is eight and a half years. McCain is quite fit, especially with all the exercise he does running away from Bush.

In the news
A 23-foot inflatable condom was stolen in Mexico. Most women in the world immediately started the search to find the thief.

A man in Stuart, Florida, was mugged by a gang of topless women. He reported the case to the police and when asked to describe the suspects, he didn’t hesitate: 2 36 D’s, a 34 C and ugly A cup.

A man in Stuart, Florida, was mugged by a gang of topless women who robbed him of $100. The man reported the case to the police who together with him will come to the same place every Thursday hoping the same thing happens again.

October 1st 2008

VP Debate
Sarah Palin has been preparing for the debate really hard. Her legs are tired of practicing the bending-over-to-pick-up-the-pen move to distract Joe Biden.

Gwen Ifill, the host of the Vice presidential debate, broke her ankle after tripping and falling down stairs at her home Monday night. Apparently, after hearing some of Palin’s answers in recent interviews, she’s been preparing herself for the debate drinking heavily.

Gwen Ifill, the host of the Vice presidential debate, broke her ankle after tripping and falling down stairs at her home Monday night. I don’t want to say she’s scared and smelled conspiracy, but now the opening question for the debate is: How do you skin a moose?

Palin
Rumors spread on the web Tuesday saying that Sarah Palin’s lips were tattooed. And you thought that it was hard to put lipstick on a pig; can you imagine tattooing them?!

Sarah Palin told Katie Couric that she's been listening to Joe Biden since she was in the second grade. I don’t think she knew what she was talking about because she claimed that her favorite album was: Iron Biden, Live.

McCain
Some people started asking questions about senator McCain’s health again, not because there’s any problem with his health, but you need to have an 18-year-old heart to survive some of Palin’s answers to Katie Couric questions.

During an economic forum, Senator John McCain misspoke and said that Venezuela was in the Middle East. Now I understand why the Yankees suck; maybe they are confused too, and instead of getting players from Latin America, they get them from the Middle East.

Market
Some people say that the fact that the Monday opening bell on Wall Street failed to sound was an omen of the disaster. That, and the fact that the bell was replaced by the sound of a toilet flushing.

Campbell Soup's stock was the only stock that rose on Monday, the day the market collapsed 777 points. People feel that in case of Armageddon they can survive on cans of food. Of course, like always, Wall Street people were the only smart ones that remembered to buy can openers and will still rule the world.

Down 777 on Monday, up to more than 500 on Tuesday... But enough about Kirstie Alley’s weight problem. Let’s talk about the market.

In The News
This is "Banned Books Week,” or Tuesday in Alaska.

Two elderly women who tied themselves to a crab apple tree to protest its removal have rescued the tree and saved themselves from eviction. Unfortunately, they couldn’t celebrate yet because they were left tied to the tree since last month.