April 30th 2007

Immigration
According to Don Larsen, chairman of legislative District 65 for the Utah County Republican Party, Satan made millions of illegal immigrants cross the border. Apparently the devil offered illegals the Garden of Eden, to mow its lawn.

According to Don Larsen, chairman of legislative District 65 for the Utah County Republican Party, Satan is to blame for the crossing of million of illegal immigrants into the United States. I have heard people calling Wal-Mart different ways, but this one is quite original.

John Edwards
Democratic presidential contender John Edwards said Sunday he would consider raising taxes on the wealthy, starting with his barber.

Iran
Iranian police have warned barbers against offering plucking the eyebrows of their male customers who lately are trying to look like the stars of American TV. From now onwards Iranian officials allowed barbers to copy only one American look: Andy Rooney’s.

Nicolas Cage
Nicholas Cage's new movie "Next", about a man who can see two minutes into the future tanked at the box office. Apparently most of the people had the power to see 2 minutes into the future and realized the movie was going to suck.

Debates
MSNBC was quite happy with the ratings they pulled with the broadcast of the Democratic presidential debate. They expect to do much better though with the GOP debate this Tuesday, not because people are more interested, but because if only the wives of the candidates see it, that’s guaranteed to be huge ratings.

April 29th 2007

Immigration
The U.S. Border Patrol chief said Thursday that they are working in the construction of a high-tech "virtual wall" to use along the US-Mexico border. Apparently they hired a bunch of illegal mimes to build it.

The U.S. Border Patrol chief said Thursday that they are working in the construction of a high-tech "virtual wall" of lights and ground sensors to use along the US-Mexico border. Apparently, after hearing the news, millions of copies of the movie "Entrapment" were rented in Mexico to copy Katherine Zeta Jones’ moves.

The U.S. Border Patrol chief said Thursday that they are working in the construction of a high-tech "virtual wall" of lights and ground sensors to use along the US-Mexico border. Apparently future graffiti will be done by Shadow Puppeteers.

Democratic Debate
During the Democratic Debate, several candidates raised their hands when they were asked if they ever owned a gun in their lifetime. In the Republican debate, nobody would raise their hands, not because they never owned a gun, but because they would be afraid the other candidate would shoot them.

April 27th 2007

Bush
President Bush beat bongo drums and danced with African tribesmen on the White House lawn Wednesday on Malaria Awareness Day. Dancing and playing percussion was an old tradition of some tribes to scare evil spirits, so apparently, Karl Rove and Dick Cheney can’t enter the White House anymore.

Vatican & Global Warming
At a Vatican conference on climate change, the Vatican urged Catholics to go green. Apparently from now on, priests are going to molest only leprechauns.

At a Vatican conference on climate change, Pope Benedict urged bishops, scientists and politicians to become more environmentally conscious and, to set up an example; the pope turned his pope-mobile into a Hybrid.

Baldwin
During a TV interview, actor Alec Baldwin apologized to his daughter for his thoughtless comments about her but justified his behavior because according to him the last 6 years have been the worse of his life. Well Mr. Baldwin, we have all been living under the Bush administration for the last 6 years, but we do not go around trashing our little children.

TV
The period of April 23-29 is Turn off the TV Week or. as NBC executives call it, "Everyday."

April 26th 2007

Sanjaya
According to The National Enquirer Sanjaya Malakar’s mother was arrested in 2005 for growing marihuana. Producers of American idol now understand why most of the votes for Sanjaya were beeped.

Rosie
ABC executives made it clear that money was not an issue in Rosie O’Donnel’s departure from The View. They claim they could always recover the investment by installing their own vending machine inside Rosie O’ Donnel’s make-up room.

Bush
President Bush said that the latest surge seems to be working in Iraq and asked for another 4 months to show he is right. The president said that this is the last time he is going to ask Democrats for more time and to have records of this promise he e-mailed himself and told Alberto Gonzales to remind him of it.

During a ceremony to mark Malaria Awareness Day in the White house Rose Garden, President Bush danced and played percussion with the Kankouran West African dance troupe. The president proved he’s got less rhythm than Dick Cheney’s heartbeat.

President Bush said what motivated him to beat the drums so passionately when invited by one of the members of the Kankouran West African dance troupe in the Rose garden was thinking of Nancy Pelosi.

Debate
Eight candidates for the 2008 Democratic presidential nomination face off today in their first debate this evening in South Carolina. It got nasty when it came to decide the order of the candidates, not to see who gets the questions first, but rather to see who has to be behind John Edwards in the line of the make up room.

Girls Gone Wild
Joe Francis, the millionaire founder of the Girls Gone Wild video empire continues racking up legal charges against him. He’s been sued for allegedly groping an 18-year-old woman, for tax evasion and also for keeping thousand of young boys awake late night waiting for the Girls Gone Wild Commercials.

Human Footprints
According to a documentary called "Human Footprints," people cry 15 gallons worth of tears throughout their lives, unless of course you are the little crying girl in American Idol; then the 15 gallons are for one day.

According to a documentary called "Human Footprints," people produce 39 gallons of vomit, unless of course you are Nicole Ritchie or Calista Flockhart; then the 39 gallons of vomit means two visits to an all you can eat buffet.

April 25th 2007

Cat Playing Piano
A video of a cat playing piano has become one of the latest video sensations on the web. Apparently Elton John’s rug was tired of the shadow and decided to start its solo career.

Divorce
The divorce between Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown is finalized, They both got daily visitations... to the same dealer.

Caffeine
A company is making caffeine soap so people can get a rush while taking a shower. Another excuse for fat Americans to eat donuts even in the shower.

Cameroon
The country of Cameroon is thinking about making it illegal to drink urine. That will really affect the production of Bud light.

Alligator
In Tampa, a man was caught butchering an alligator on his front lawn because he needed a new belt. Unfortunately they did not catch him when he found out he was losing his hair and butchered his cat.

Headaches
A new study finds that migraine headaches may actually be a blessing because they protect you from memory loss. After all the times my wife told me she had a headache, I now feel I am married to a wife with a 300 gigabytes memory.

A new study finds that migraine headaches may actually be a blessing because they protect you from memory loss. Apparently Alberto Gonzales never needs any aspirins

FCC
The FCC will recommend that Congress enacts legislation to curb violence on TV. Under a Republican congress, TV violence was out of control: once I saw Barney teaching water-boarding.

April 24th 2007

Man Uses YouTube For Phone Calls
"The Boston Globe" reports a 20-year-old man included his cellphone number in a YouTube.com video he posted last Friday and invited everybody to call him. He received more than five-thousand phone calls and text messages from all over the world including a nasty voice mail from Alec Baldwin.

Dinner
American Idol Sanjaya Malakar was one of the most popular guests at the White House Correspondents' Dinner in Washington last Saturday. The line to get Sanjaya’s autograph was almost as long as the line of people trying to sit on Alberto Gonzales’ chair.

Trees
Mayor Michael Bloomberg is planning to have one million new trees in New York City by the year 2017. Unfortunately the trees are scented all pine trees and will be hanging from the rearview window of taxi cabs.

Violence
The FCC will recommend that Congress enact legislation to curb violence on TV. Fox networks decided to anticipate the future legislation and decided to strip some its shows of all violence, starting with the show 24 now called “2 minutes”

Texting
Texting Queen13-year-old Morgan Pozgar was crowned the National Texting champion on Saturday after she typed "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" in 15 seconds. Unfortunately she refused to give autographs at the end of the competition because she doesn’t know howto use a pen.

April 23rd 2007

Sheryl Crow
New Global warming advocate, Sheryl Crow, said in a written statement that we can make it work with only one square of toilet paper per restroom visit. Jennifer Lopez thought it was ridiculous and refused to comment about it.

Hillary
Before the National Action Network, Hillary Clinton said she was afraid of all the stuff she was going to find under the rug in the Oval Office after President Bush left the White House -Unlike his husband’s administration, when all the stuff was easy to find on top of the rug, drapes, couches, dresses, and everywhere else.

Some conservative people are criticizing Hillary Clinton for addressing the National Action Network audience with a southern accent only to win more votes. That was not the worst part, apparently in order to gain sympathy from the younger audience, Hillary wore low-slug baggy pants.

White House Correspondent’ Association Dinner
President Bush, citing the tragedy at Virginia Tech, passed up any attempt to be funny at the White House Correspondents' Association dinner Saturday, until of course, he said things in Iraq were going great and everybody broke in laughter.

President Bush, citing the tragedy at Virginia Tech, passed up any attempt to be funny at the White House Correspondents' Association dinner Saturday. Actually, the truth is Bush didn’t dare say any jokes because Al Sharpton was among the members of the audience.

Attorney general Alberto Gonzales was among the guests at the White House Correspondents' Association dinner Saturday. He was not sitting at the tables; apparently he was practicing his future job as a bas boy.

During the House Correspondents' Association dinner Saturday, bomb sniffing dogs were mobilized several times, not because any bomb threat, the dogs were just alerted by the Rich Little’s performance.

Mark Foley
Former congressman Mark Foley is paying some bills with leftover campaign cash -Mostly his exorbitant AOL and Chucky Cheese bills.

April 22nd 2007

Russian Media
Managers of Russia's top radio news network say at least 50% of all news stories from the Russian News Service will now be of a positive nature. Russian networks believe the FOX News 100% positive spin was too much.

Managers of Russia's top radio news network say at least 50% of all news stories from the Russian News Service will now be of a positive nature. From now onwards the lines to get toilet paper will be reported only as a half a block.

Heather Mills
ABC executives were not satisfied with the ratings they obtained for the last "Dancing with the Stars" show. They thought the fall of Heather Mills in the last show was going to bring them huge ratings. Apparently the story of Heather Mills falling has no legs.

Trees
Mayor Michael Bloomberg is planning to plant one million new trees in the urban landscape of New York City by the year 2017. Donald Trump is already capitalizing on this and is advertising the new luxurious one-two-three branches apartments.

Hillary
Hillary Clinton met with the Rutgers women's basketball team Friday. The presidential candidate said she left the meeting with a renewed positive spirit , and a couple of phone numbers from some of the cute players.

April 20th 2007

Sanjaya
People" magazine is taking American Idol Sanjaya as a guest to the annual White House Correspondent's Association Dinner. President Bush said he is looking forward to meeting him because he is having problems with Windows vista.

Drunk
A woman arrested in Washington last week registered a .47 blood-alcohol content on a breath test, the highest blood-alcohol level registered in state history. She was ecstatic and immediately suggested to open a bottle of champagne to celebrate.

Taxi Baby
A 9-month pregnant woman gave birth in the back seat of a taxi en route to a hospital in Queens. Unfortunately what people do not know is that when she boarded that cab she was only 1 month pregnant.

Obama and Hillary
Federal records show that Barack Obama has more campaign staffers and consultants that his rival Hillary Clinton. Apparently even Obama has a better posse than Hillary.

Duck
A duck famous for being born with four legs has lost one of its limbs after it got caught in its special pen. It was immediately invited to participate in "Ducking with the stars."

A duck famous for being born with four legs has lost one of its limbs after it got caught in its special pen. It now causes goose bumps among female ducks when they hear he is a duck with three legs.

Gonzales
During his testimony in front of the Senate committee, Alberto Gonzales claimed a faulty memory seventy two times. Apparently hours after the meeting was over Gonzales was seen wandering around the streets of Capitol Hill because he couldn’t remember where he had parked his car.

April 19th 2007

Sanjaya
Sanjaya Malakar was finally booted from American idol. Apparently millions of Indian telemarketers did not vote for him because they were too busy setting effigies of Richard Gere on fire.

Sanjaya Malakar, the "American Idol" contestant best known for his numerous hairdos, was booted from the hit show on Wednesday. Good hair can only get you that far, right Mr.John Edwards?

Sanjaya Malakar was finally booted from American idol. Next one to go: Alberto Gonzales.

Laura Bush
First Lady Laura Bush is visiting New Orleans Thursday for a meeting with volunteers from Helping Americans Needing Disaster Support. Apparently she wanted to escape from all the disastrous flooding that is leaving hundreds homeless across Northeastern America.

Rolling Stones
Officials are planning to sedate more than 300 horses stabled at Belgrade's racecourse to keep them calm during a Rolling Stones concert. They say it will be hard though, not because of the Animal lovers’ complaints but rather because it will be difficult to find a place that has not run out of syringes with the visit of Keith Richards.

Shell
Shell Oil is going to start selling "Playboy" and "Penthouse" in their convenience stores again...... Like we don’t have enough raise at the pump already.

Donkey
Faced with complaints that his donkey was too loud, Dallas attorney Gregory Shamoun decided to bring his case directly to the court and had his donkey testify. It was a long and tedious case because it took a while for the judge to realize who the ass was.

Dallas attorney Gregory Shamoun received several complaints because his donkey was too loud and defecated constantly. During the trial he alleged that you got to understand the donkey, once they win an election they cannot shut up.

Dallas attorney Gregory Shamoun received several complaints because his donkey was too loud and defecated constantly. The donkey was immediately contacted to replace another ass that was just fired in a radio station in New York.

Tooth Fairy
According to Securian Dental's annual "tooth fairy" poll, parents are giving their kids an average of 29 cents less for teeth this year than they were last year. Bush was infuriated and accused the tooth fairy for under funding the troops.

According to Securian Dental's annual "tooth fairy" poll, parents are giving their kids an average of 29 cents less for teeth this year than they were last year. Parents are telling their kids that the problem is that the tooth fairy has a smaller budget because of the price of gas.

Joan Rivers
Joan Rivers is being replaced by Lisa Rinna as TV Guide Channel's leading red-carpet host. Apparently TV Guide executives wanted a new face... in another person.

April 18th 2007

White House
Two Secret Service officers were injured on Tuesday after a gun held by another Secret Service officer accidentally fired inside the White House gate. This is a clear example of how things have changed at the White House. A while ago an accidental discharge meant something totally different.

Two Secret Service officers were injured on Tuesday after a gun held by another Secret Service officer accidentally fired inside the White House gate. It took a while for security to call 911 because they all thought Cheney was practicing shooting lawyers.

Mitt Romney
GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney, the republican who raised the most money so far in the campaign, was among the candidates who spent the lowest percentage of income during the quarter. According to Romney, he saves tons of money because he hunts his own food and enough for all his staff.

John Edwards
According to a financial report filed with the Federal Election Commission, Democratic presidential candidate, John Edwards, paid $400 for two haircuts at a Beverly Hills salon. I guess when the only thing you have similar to J F Kennedy is the good looking hair, you’d better take good care of it.

Last night millions of Americans filed their taxes. You know who requested an extension? John Edwards! …on his hair….

Nigeria
Nigeria has the second-lowest sexual frequency of any country in the world. Nigerians are trying to improve, not because they care about their sexual reputation, but because they need to catch up with American Celebrities’ babies demand.

Boston Marathon
Kenyan Robert Cheruiyot won the Boston Marathon with an unofficial time of 2 hours, 14 minutes, 13 seconds. Apparently he was running away from Angelina Jolie who just wanted to adopt him.

Donation
Hugh Hefner contributed $2,300, the maximum allowed in the primary, to Hillary Clinton’s campaign on March 28. It is just a way to pay back for all the money Bill has spent throughout the years buying his magazine.

Jennifer Garner
Jennifer Garner said that life with her 16-month-old daughter is so joyful that she feels "intoxicated" when she's with her. Actually Gardner is intoxicated by the stench of Ben Affleck’s movies.

April 17th 2007

Heather Mills
Last night Heather Mills fell during her performance in “Dancing With The Stars.” Some people claim they saw Paul leaving the studio with a mop and a huge bottle of hardwood floor polish.

Last night Heather Mills fell during her performance of the Samba in “Dancing With The Stars” making rich some fortunate bastard in Vegas.

Imus
This just in: Imus opened a hair salon in the Bronx!

Survey
According to a study by the Pew Research Center 49 percent of the surveyed correctly answered that Nancy Pelosi was speaker of the House. 25 percent thought that the woman in the picture was Keney Rogers and the other 25 percent thought it was Joan Rivers.

According to a study by the Pew Research Center only 69 percent knew Dick Cheney was the vice president. Apparently people are afraid to say they know Cheney because they don’t want to be called as witnesses next time he shoots somebody.

McCain

Senator John McCain of Arizona, whose Republican primary campaign spent the highest percentage of income during the quarter, paid nearly $11,000 for photography. It actually was $200 and the rest it was money for the security when the photographer took pictures of the Baghdad Market.

McCain also paid $1,671 for flowers. Apparently it was for the family of his staff that died during his visit to safe Iraq.

Donation
Hugh Hefner contributed $2,300 , the maximum allowed in the primary, to Hillary Clinton’s campaign on March 28. It is just a way to pay back for all the money Bill has spent troughout the years buying his magazine.

Women
According to the Center for Behavioral Neuroscience in Atlanta when women see pornography, the first thing they look at is the men’s privates. Apparently women want to know how expensive his car is.

Pyramid
Lou Pearlman, the millionaire pop music mogul who virtually invented boy bands is now at large after stealing millions from seniors with a classic pyramid scheme. How would you invest in a pyramid that was going to have on top a huge fat guy like Lou Pearlman?

April 16th 2007

Imus
Don Ho, the legendary Hawaiian crooner died of heart failure Saturday morning. Unfortunately not so many people heard the sad news because nobody in the media dared say his last name anymore.

There have reportedly been a few death threats made against the Rutgers women's basketball team in the wake of the Don Imus’ firing. The e-mails came probably from the Tennessee women’s basketball team that won the NCAA tournament and are being totally ignored.

Taxes
According to the New York Post, this year illegal immigrants filed taxes in what appeared to be record numbers. Once again illegals do the work Americans don’t want to do.

Bond
Barry Nelson, who was the first actor to play James Bond on-screen in 1950, died. Nobody knew much about him because Robert Novak was not a journalist yet to unmask him.

Madam
Washington D.C. madam Debbie Palfrey named Harlan Ullman, a military theorist of the war in Iraq, as one of her sex customers Friday. He is insatiable, why pay when you have just screwed the entire country for free?

Washington D.C. madam Debbie Palfrey named Harlan Ullman, a military theorist of the war in Iraq, as one of her sex customers Friday. Ulman refused to comment about it and said he was just in “shock and awe” by the news.

Cheney
Vice president Dick Cheney got a scare before landing in the O'Hare International Airport when a bird hit the right engine of the Air Force Two he was flying in. The pilot said that they are used to that because everybody flips them the bird when they fly Dick Cheney.

Tiny
In Spain, a 36-year-old a man was cleared of three rapes after he proved his member was so tiny, he could not be guilty. His legal team used the old Johnnie Cochran’s defense strategy: If the condom doesn’t fit, you must acquit.

Nibbles
There’s a seal in California that’s terrorizing people, killing other seals and attacking dogs. It is known in town as Nibbles the SEAL-ial (for serial) killer.

Rich Mexican
Mexican telecom titan Carlos Slim Helu is now the second richest man in the world, passing Warren Buffett. He still doesn’t have enough though to be able to afford the amount of money Bush wants Latinos to pay if he wants to become a legal resident of the US.

April 15th 2007

Taxes
Vice President Dick Cheney and his wife, Lynne, owe $413,326 in taxes almost $120, 000 less than last year. Apparently this year Cheney finally claimed George as a dependant.

Imus
CBS fired radio host Don Imus from his AM radio station in New York for uttering a racial slur that is used in tons of rap songs. A poll shows that young people were shocked by the dismissal, not because of the racial slur but rather because they didn’t know AM radio still existed.

Radio host Don Imus has been fired from his radio show for making fun of the race and hair of Rutgers’ female basketball team. Shouldn’t we fire then every DJ in America for making fun of Sanjaya’s hair and Indian heritage?

Girls Gone Wild
The millionaire founder of the Girls Gone Wild video empire, Joe Francis, was charged Thursday with bribing a jail guard for a bottle of water. Apparently he wanted to smuggle water to start a wet T-shirt contest among the inmates.

Bees
According to scientists mobile phones and other hi-tech gadgets are causing the abrupt disappearance of the bees that pollinate crops. Especially those bees that live near Naomi Campbell.

According to scientists radiation given off by mobile phones is causing the abrupt disappearance of the bees that pollinate crops. We also owe the cell phones the increase on killer bees, normal bees that go postal after other bees turn on their cellphones in the movie theaters.

April 13th 2007

MLB
African American organizations doubt the Major League Baseball wants to increase the number of African-Americans playing the game, especially when the MLB decided to hire Imus as an announcer.

Global Warming
Madonna, Genesis. Duran Duran and the Police are some of the huge stars headlining concerts to raise awareness about climate change. The tour is expected to have a huge impact in the automobile industry because in the future most of the SUV’s are going to be purchased by young people who have no idea who these artists are.

Mandy Moore
Mandy Moore told "Elle" magazine that she is mediocre at both singing and acting. There you have another bragging Hollywood celebrity.

TV News
50-year-old Katie Couric is dating Brooks Perlin, who is 17 years younger than her. It is clear that Couric’s new boyfriend doesn’t own a High-Def TV.

MSNBC host Tucker Carlson was hired to host a game show pilot called “Who do you trust..." Certainly not a young conservative guy that wears a bowtie!

Several presidential candidates are considering advertising during the next Super Bowl. CBS is reluctant to accept that, especially after the scandal that ensued last time they showed a boob.

April 12th 2007

Hi you all, I want to thank Newsday and my friend Ken for choosing one of my jokes on the paper, it is a real honor for me and it certainly made my day!! Thanks a lot.
http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun5167592apr12,0,6791571.story


Imus
Prosecutors have decided to drop all charges against three Duke Lacrosse players accused of sexually assaulting a stripper at a team party because they believe the stripper made it all up and was just looking for a quick buck. Yesterday, to avoid any trouble, Imus referred to her as a long-straight-cascading hair, libertine coquetting temptress.

MSNBC announced that the cable TV simulcast of Don Imus radio show has been terminated for good. MSNBC executives emphasized that it has nothing to do with Imus’ latest racial comments, but rather with the fact that he looks too ugly for TV.

The fallout from Don Imus racial comment continued yesterday when Santa Clause announced he is going to rehab for the repeated use of the greeting: Ho Ho Ho!

Immigrant March
Hundreds marched yesterday in Seattle in an attempt to bring attention to the fact that children of illegal aliens are left alone when their parents are imprisoned on raids against illegals. Ironically hundreds of American children were left alone yesterday when most of their nannies were at the march.

McCain
Sen. John McCain 's troubled presidential campaign slashed some non-senior staff positions and cut some consultants' contracts. That proves what McCain is being saying repeatedly
that the Baghdad market is safer than some places in America.

Bank robbery
According to the FBI, banks in Seattle cut bank robberies in half by being really nice to potential robbers. What is even better about this strategy is that the other half that still robs the bank decides to deposit the money back there because they are pleased with the service.

In other news
Lindsay Lohan, Kate Moss and Kelly Osbourne have joined forces to help each other battle their addictions. They are now known as "Charlie’s Angel DUSTS"

According to some rumors in the web, Michael Jackson is working with 50 Cent. Jackson’s agent said that it is true Michael is working with 50 Cent, not the famous rapper thought. 50 Cents is the budget Michael was given to produce his next album.

April 11th 2007

Giuliani
During an interview Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani proved he hasn't done a lot of grocery shopping lately when he said the gallon of milk cost $1.50 when in fact it costs around $4. Reporters were shocked Giuliani did not know the price of milk, especially because he’s been milking the cow of 9/11 for a long time.

Martha Stewart
Martha Stewart Living officially re-launched its website this week. Even the naked women in the pop up ads are groomed to match the background of the website.

McCain
During a round of TV interviews, Senator John McCain repeated that the Baghdad market is safe. At least they do not sell tainted spinach or contaminated peanut butter.

Anna Nicole
DNA tests show there is 0.000000001 chances that Larry Birkhead is NOT the father of the late Anna Nicole Smith's baby, enough possibilities for the TV networks to continue hammering the Anna Nicole case 24/7.

In front of the courthouse, Larry Birkhead made the announcement that DNA tests showed that he is the father of the late Anna Nicole Smith's baby. He then teared up as he thanked his supporters, his family and his sperm for being stronger than the others.

Larry Birkhead was really excited when it was reported that he was the father of Anna Nicole’s baby. Howard K Stern asked him to calm down and offered him some sedatives and prescription drugs that are going to help him feel better.

DNA tests show Larry Birkhead is the father of the late Anna Nicole Smith's baby, a baby who could inherit hundreds of millions of dollars. K- Federlaine now claims he is her future boyfriend.

Iran
Iran is putting out a book and CD about the arrest and detention of 15 British sailors. I am sure there’s going to be a British pirated version of it as well.

Bare Justice
According to the New York Daily News, a Brooklyn law student has put her future legal career in jeopardy by participating in a Playboy TV series in which she happily strips naked. Apparently she thought there was nothing wrong with that because justice is blind.

Iraq
President Bush says he is willing to meet with Congressional Democrats to discuss the war in Iraq, but not to negotiate his handling of it, unless, of course, they offer more money than Halliburton.

Immigration
President Bush was in Yuma Monday touting his guest-worker idea, which sends illegal aliens home if they want to apply for citizenship. Unfortunately for the Bush administration most of the illegals agree to leave only if they do it in JetBlue.

April 10th 2007

White House
During the traditional annual White House Easter Egg Roll, Laura Bush said that in Washington they know spring has arrived when the White House lawn is filled with children for the Easter Egg Roll. Unlike the Clinton administration when they knew Spring had arrived when Bill would walk the White House lawn in his underwear.

Congress
According to an AP-Ipsos poll, public approval for Congress is at its highest level in years. Unfortunately the poll includes only the week congress was on vacation.

Invisible
Scientists say they may have finally come up with a workable design for an invisibility cloak. They have been testing it for a while on Dennis Kucinich in the latest presidential campaign.

American Idol
Former American Idol winner, Fantasia Barrino wants everybody to know she isn’t completely illiterate. In a written statement the singer said quote" I ain’t no a littered"

Imus
CBS Radio and MSNBC both suspended Don Imus' morning talk show for two weeks for making racially-charged comments about the Rutgers University women's basketball team. They chose the two weeks suspension because all the rehab facilities were already booked.

The Rutgers women's basketball team agreed to meet with embattled radio host Don Imus. They are going to be dissapointed because when they were told they were gonna meet a guy in New Yok that wears a cowboy hat and says stupid thing they all thought they were going to see the famous naked cowboy.

April 9th 2007

Hole in one
A 102-year-old woman became the oldest golfer ever to make a hole-in-one on a regulation course. Unfortunately, it was not the ball that she got in; it was her denture that flew away with the swing.

Corruption
According to this year's world corruption rankings by the nonprofit watchdog group Transparency International, the U.S. is the 20th LEAST corrupt country in the world. The US was at the top of the list but Dick Cheney slipped some money under the table.

Pilot
A Northwest Airlines flight from Las Vegas to Detroit was cancelled after the pilot started cursing on his cell phone and then at passengers. Apparently the pilot woke up from the alcohol buzz and realized he was a pilot for Northwest Airlines.

Beatles
Record label EMI is suing a cleaning company after one of its employees allegedly disposed of $1.37 million worth of rare Beatles' photos. Apparently, the cleaning lady got rid of the only picture where Paul is kissing Yoko and the only picture where Ringo is playing drums in the recording studio.

Wrong one
An Air Force veteran has filed a federal claim after an operation at a Veterans Administration hospital in which a healthy testicle was removed instead of a potentially cancerous one. The doctor apologized and as a nice gesture colored the testicle and gave it back to it’s owner for Easter.

Firefighter
A volunteer firefighter who was found at a park wearing a woman’s wig and a bikini was arrested on charges of indecency. Officials who spotted the firefighter said he seemed to be on duty because he was carrying the hose with him.

A volunteer firefighter who was found at a park wearing a woman’s wig and a bikini was arrested on charges of indecency. There goes the only firefighter that still supports Giuliani.

Easter Hunt
Several Republican presidential candidates celebrated Easter yesterday. This year instead of an egg they decided to hide President Bush.

Immigration
The White House drafted a new immigration reform that would allow illegal immigrant workers to apply for a green card if the pay $10,000 dollars. For that amount I hope the Green card also comes with the Green Jacket from the Augusta Golf Tournament.

April 8th 2007

Bush
President Bush's job approval rating fell to thirty percent in the latest poll. His advisors told him to take a vacation and relax, maybe enjoy the beach and swim in Iranian waters.

Tancredo
Colorado Congressmen Tom Tancredo has thrown his hat into the presidential ring and also a bunch of Mexicans out of the country.

Colorado Congressmen Tom Tancredo has thrown his hat into the presidential ring, actually it was not just a hat , it was a sombrero.

Immigration
The White House drafted a new immigration reform which calls for a new "Z" visa that would allow illegal immigrant workers to apply for renewable three-year work permits if they pay $3,500 each time. They are called Z visas because the White House expects to raise Zillions of dollars.

The White House drafted a new immigration reform that would allow illegal immigrant workers to apply for renewable three-year work permits if they pay $3,500 each time. They are called Z visas also known as Iran War funding.

April 6th 2007

Keith Richards
After Keith Richards’ comments about snorting his father’s ashes, Disney announced they won’t be using the Rock Star to promote their upcoming film, "Pirates of the Caribbean." Disney executives said it is not that Richards might hurt the sale of the movie, but rather, that they are afraid he might cut Walt Disney into ice cubes and drink him with vodka.

J-Lo
In a magazine interview Jennifer Lopez said her weight only fluctuates by about four pounds in either direction: Right cheek to left cheek.

Babies
A Japanese hospital is setting up a hatch where unwanted infants can be anonymously dropped, or as Angelina Jolie calls it: a vending machine.

A Japanese hospital is setting up a hatch where unwanted infants can be anonymously dropped. Unfortunately the hatch got clogged when Britney dropped her two babies together.

April 5th 2007

Hey I wanna thank Ken Rasak and Newsday for publishing one of my jokes (once again they made my day) http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun5158543apr05,0,4891025.storyand now that I am at it, I wanna thank http://www.halife.com/ for posting my jokes, the best site for topical jokes on the web. Thanks a lot!

Democrats
Hillary Clinton and Obama are neck to neck when it comes to raising money from individual donations. Hillary seems to have the lead with the support of various 527 groups but Obama beat her soundly when it comes to the support of "420 groups" though.

Iranian Crisis
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad called the release of the 15 captive British sailors an Easter gift. Actually he released 14 and hid one for the Easter British captured soldier hunt.

Ferraris
A new company allows clients to invest in "timeshare" Ferraris, which they can use a few weeks out of the year. Hopefully I get to drive it before Eddie Griffith does.

Donations
The World Bank will give $164.5 million to Kenya, Burundi and Madagascar for high speed internet connections. They were ecstatic about it, because they will finally be able to look at pictures of what food looks like.

Pages
Despite the Mark Foley’s scandal, the house page program got a record number of applications. Apparently teenagers want to meet face to face with some of the people they met on Myspace.

OJ
Fred Goldman is planning to auction the publishing rights of the OJ Simpson's book "If I Did It". He wants to change the name though, to something that might help OJ’s book sales: "Blades of Glory."

Record
Japanese musicians have set the record for the longest concert ever at 184 hours. Apparently they almost played “in a gadda da vida” three times.

April 4th 2007

Mexico
A small honey bear that escaped from a Mexico City zoo boarded a bus and attacked a passenger. Apparently the honey bear was just pissed because the passenger didn’t get up to offer the seat to the pregnant elephant.

Mexico City's new mayor hopes to offer high-speed wireless Internet to all of the city's residents. Some Mexicans believe it is really a bad idea because now it might take years for Mexicans to cross the border if they start following the directions given by Map quest.

Barack
Democrat Barack Obama raked in $25 million for his presidential bid in the first three months of 2007 mostly from the money he saved on cigarettes when he quit smoking.

Lawyers
Most of the Attorneys fired by Alberto Gonzales have not complained or shown signs of discontent to the media about what happened. They’d rather be fired by Gonzales than shot by Cheney.

Condor
A California Condor has laid an egg in Mexico. It is now known as "huevo ranchero."

Romney
Mormon presidential candidate Mitt Romney stunned the GOP field Monday by showing that he raised twenty-five million dollars in the first quarter. Immediately after that, all the other Republican candidates put on a black suit, grabbed the bible and went door to door to ask for money.

Barry Bonds
Tuesday was a big stormy day for the opening game of the San Francisco Giants in San Francisco. Actually it looked stormy because of the giant cloud of doubt over Barry Bonds’ enormous head.

CNN
A woman was shot and killed just outside CNN's Atlanta headquarters. CNN employees did not suspect anything violent happened when they saw the ambulance at the door, they thought it was just for old Larry King.

Keith Richards
Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards said in an interview that he snorted his father's ashes during a drugs binge. No wonder everybody is so old in the Rolling Stones, nobody dares die.

April 3rd 2007

Bush
President Bush did not throw out the ceremonial first pitch at the Washington Nationals home opener yesterday. Bush's spokeswoman says Bush would've loved to be there but he has a very tight schedule. Apparently the president has more important places to be booed at.

Reporters believe President Bush didn’t throw out the ceremonial first pitch at the Washington Nationals home opener yesterday because he didn’t want to get booed. Apparently Bush knows that he is not liked at “home” anymore and after the Walter Reed Hospital scandal he is also disliked in all the “bases.”

Acting
“Grey’s Anatomy” continues surprising critics with the quality of the show and already makes some of its actors early contestants for next year’s Golden Globe Awards. It won’t be easy though; they will probably have to compete with the great acting skills of the captured British sailors from the Iranian TV.

Newspapers
The U.S. newspaper industry is pressing hard to show advertisers that its products are worth every dollar despite bleak financial forecasts due to the rise in Web site visitors. Ironically, I just read this headline in the Drudge Report.

Airport
During a security test at Denver International Airport nine out of 10 weapons and bombs made it to the planes. Fortunately for the screeners only 1 out of ten planes was able to take off.

Minuteman
It is getting harder for the anti illegal group Minuteman to recruit volunteers. Apparently their minute of fame is over.

Marriage
Poland is going to try to curb its divorce rate by fining couples hundred of thousands of dollars to split up. There it is: the republican presidential candidate fundraising money if they ever put that into practice here in America.

Fox
According to TV insiders, FOX Network has ordered 13 more episodes of The 1/2 Hour News Hour. Apparently they needed to find a way to fill the hours now that the Anna Nicole is buried.

April 2nd 2007

Iran
Iranian State television aired a video where two of the captured British sailors admitted they invaded Iranian waters and stated that the Iranians have treated them very well. President Bush was appalled by the video because apparently Iranians have better script writers than the U.S. in Gitmo.

Hillary
This weekend Will Ferrell and John Heder raised an incredible $33 million at the box office. They could not be number one though, Hillary Clinton beat them.

Yesterday some Democratic candidates shared with the media the amount of money they have raised so far in campaign donations: Hillary Clinton raised a record-setting $26 million, Edwards $14 million and Kucinich 1 dollar 25 cents, 3 Canadian coins and 2 buttons.

McCain
Senator John McCain admitted he is not raising enough money for his presidential campaign because it seems he cannot get his message across. Campaign advisors decided that to tell McCain’s story better they are going to hire that announcing guy from the movies.

During a press conference in Baghdad, Sen. John McCain insisted Sunday that a U.S.-Iraqi security crackdown in the capital was working and said Americans lacked a "full picture" of the progress. We think it was McCain who said that but he was surrounded by so much security that we are not a 100 percent sure it was him.

Nickelodeon
Three people were wounded by gunfire early Sunday at a Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards After-party. The shooting started after a group of five was denied admission to the party and one of the angry high school female teachers that were not let in opened fire.

Cheney
Last Tuesday, Connecticut police arrested a man who claimed to be Dick Cheney after a high-speed chase. The cops doubted at first, but then realized the man wasn’t the vice president because he was driving a Hybrid.

Gingrich
Newt Gingrich said he equates bilingual education with living in the ghetto. Finally Condoleezza Rice will get some Ghetto creed because she speaks 5 languages.

Misspell
After the West Virginia Mountaineers won the men's basketball NIT Championship, the T-shirts they were handed had a misspelling which said, "West VIRGINA." Hopefully, Ohio doesn’t win tonight because you don’t want to see the misspell they made for the T-shirts that say "Buckeyes."

April 1st 2007

Gonzales
NBC is said not to be satisfied with the ratings of the Donald Trump Show : The Apprentice. NBC Executives believe they know the right person to create a buzz every time he says "You are fired" so they want to hire Alberto Gonzales.

According to Alberto Gonzales, Carol Lam, one of the attorneys fired together with other seven federal prosecutors, was asked to resign for insufficiently pursuing immigration cases. Apparently Carol Lam did not have a problem to find another job, she was hired immediately as a manager of Wal-Mart.

Environmentalist believe Global Warming might be affecting the sea population faster than expected. Apparently the number of sharks have decreased considerably due to Hurricane Gonzales.

England
Prime Minister, Tony Blair, once again denied that British sailors trespassed into Iranian waters. Blair said the British "Aaaarrrrmy" would never do something like that.

Viagra
A man in England discovered that an infusion from his winter-flowering heather plant has the same effect on men as Viagra. In America we have a Heather with the same effect as Viagra: Heather Locklear

A man in England discovered that an infusion from his winter-flowering heather plant has the same effect on men as Viagra Finally an excuse for politicians to take care of the environment.

A man in England discovered that an infusion from his winter-flowering heather plant has the same effect on men as Viagra. Most of British men knew about that and that is why they drink tea all the time.