May 31st 2007

Great News....I finished this month on a high note thanks to mi amigo Ken and his great site in Newsday. One of my jokes made it there!!
http://www.newsday.com/search/ny-oppun5235873may31,0,466607.story
Thanks Ken and Newsday and those who come back everyday to visit this site.
Pedro

Tuberculosis
Health officials in North America are looking for passenger lists for two trans-Atlantic airline flights in their effort to find about 80 people who sat near a honeymooner infected with a dangerous drug-resistant form of tuberculosis. Forget the passengers; they just sat next to him. What about the poor airport screener that was in charge of cavity searching him?

Peacefulness
The United States is way down the list in a magazine's assessment of the peacefulness of 121 countries. U.S officials said that the poll is unfair and the United States suffers because it is the world's policeman, and apparently the world is Rodney King.

Canada was placed eighth in a magazine's assessment of the peacefulness of 121 countries. They should have been placed at the top but some naughty Canadian Mounted policeman must have used foul language.

Sports
FIFA, the main soccer federation, banned high-altitude stadiums from being used for international matches. Fortunately for Michael Vick and tons of football players, the NFL doesn’t have the same policy of banning games played high in the U.S.

Al Gore
Some environmentalist fans complained to Al Gore that his latest book "Assault on Reason" doesn’t do much to protect the environment. The vice president denied those allegations and said that most people that read it feel compelled to recycle by using the book to wipe their butts.

Al-Qaeda
An American member of al-Qaeda who escaped from a U.S. prison in Afghanistan turned up in an online video warning president Bush of future attacks. The video was released right in time for Barbara Walters to consider him as a replacement for Rosie O’Donnell.

Kobe
Kobe Bryant threatened with living the L. A. Lakers because according to the NBA star the team's front office is "a mess". Last time Bryant said that a room was a mess he ended up calling the concierge and we all know the rest of the story.

May 30th 2007

Lindsay Lohan
Lindsay Lohan is going to Promises Treatment Center in Malibu . Fortunately for the star it’ll be free this time as she reached the tenth hole in her rehab punch card.

Lindsay Lohan is going to Promises Treatment Center in Malibu and will spend her 21st birthday under treatment. The mood was somber among her friends who decided to celebrate her 21st birthday anyway with a 21-shot-salute..... of tequila

Candidates in the web
According to AdRelevance, presidential candidates' campaigns ran thousands of Web ad impressions during the month of April. Hillary Clinton targeted mostly News and political sites, John McCain ran ads in financial sites and Rudy Giuliani ran ads mostly in Harmony.com

Al Gore
A sequel for the Al Gore’s movie "The Inconvenient Truth" is on the works. Apparently inspired by the success of the movie Spiderman, there’s going to be a dark side of Al Gore in the sequel, a side that drives a Hummer, doesn’t recycle and is as skinny as Nicole Richie.

Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton recently posed for paparazzi holding American flags. Even some Republicans in the audience wondered if it is still desecration to burn a flag to disinfect it.

The price of gas went down during Memorial Day weekend, still Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton were forced to walk to the club.

Imagine
John Lennon’s "Imagine " piano continue its tour to promote peace in an increasingly violent world. I just hope Condoleeza doesn’t decide to play that piano because it would totally ruin the symbolic peace aspect of it.

Sheehan
Cindy Sheehan said Tuesday she's done being the public face of the peace movement. Insiders in the White House said that president Bush gave Karl Rove a phone call and asked if he’d still have the Mission Accomplished banner somewhere.

May 29th 2007

Obama Vs McCain
During a trade of verbal jabs over the Iraq funding measure, Senator McCain said that Obama wouldn't know the difference between a rocket propelled grenade and a bong. In a written statement Obama said that he clearly knows the difference: a bong is a type of hookah or water pipe for smoking marijuana or other drugs and an RPG is what you need nowadays to get into certain towns to buy the marijuana.

During a trade of verbal jabs over the Iraq funding measure, Senator McCain said that Obama wouldn't know the difference between a rocket propelled grenade and a bong. During an interview Obama said that he knows the difference but he cannot remember exactly what an RPG is because he clearly knows what a bong is.

Reality Show
On a Dutch reality show a terminally ill woman will give her kidneys away. Billy Joel, David Hasselhoff and Lindsay Lohan are already fighting to be among the famous contestants lined up to compete for one.

Pirates of the Caribbean 3
The producers of “Pirates of the Caribbean 3” are a bit disappointed because the movie made $15 million less for its opening weekend than its predecessor. Hopefully it will discourage a third Bush to run for president.

Gore
During his TV tour to promote his latest book "The Assault on Reason," former US vice president Al Gore criticized the "trivialities and nonsense" of today’s TV shows. He could not expand on that thought, because he needed to answer what his favorite color of underwear was while being interviewed in Entertainment Tonight.

May28th 2007

Lindsay Lohan
Lindsay Lohan was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence Saturday. According to Lohan she was practicing her character for an upcoming movie: The Life of Paris Hilton

Lindsay Lohan was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence Saturday. If I were a movie producer I would invest anything I have and shoot a remake of the movie "Fled" with Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan.

Lindsay Lohan was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence Saturday. She immediately received a phone call from former Paris Hilton’s agent to ask her for a ride.

Rosie
After a heated argument with one of her co-hosts in the show, Rosie O’ Donnel has quit The View. It is quite obvious though that she has not quit the view of the refrigerator.

Raiders
The last words of a condemned killer executed Tuesday by injection were "Go, Raiders". The Oakland Raiders were emotionally touched by this gesture and promised to lose a game in his honor.

Immigration
After memorial day weekend, U.S. Senators will be back Tuesday to a heated argument over the immigration reform. Most of them were preparing at home during the long weekend fighting with their family members.

May 27th 2007

Lindsay Lohan
It seems Paris has found a new cellmate!
Lindsay Lohan was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence Saturday. The actress claimed she knew she was a little tipsy but Paris Hilton did not answer the phone when she called her for a ride home.

Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan were both arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence. Well it seems that not everybody is as lucky as Britney Spears that has two little kids to drive her around.

Lindsay Lohan was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence Saturday after her convertible struck a curb and was cited after being admitted to a nearby hospital for treatment of minor injuries. I could hear her grandma saying: "I told you, you have to wear underwear because you never know when you are going to get into an accident"!

Sparrow
During a press conference in the White House Rose Garden a sparrow flew overhead and left a splash on the President Bush’s sleeve. The president immediately deployed 20 000 troops to Iraq to hunt down all the sparrows there claiming that if we don’t kill the birds there they will attack us here.

During a press conference in the White House Rose Garden a sparrow flew overhead and left a splash on the President Bush’s sleeve. In other news, a sparrow is running way ahead in all the polls to become the future U.S president.

During a press conference in the White House Rose Garden a sparrow flew overhead and left a splash on the President Bush’s sleeve. Mitt Romney immediately summoned a press conference to say that the White House needs an avid hunter like him.

Deputy White House Press Secretary said the bird splashing the president during a press conference in the White House Rose Garden is a sign of good luck; especially if consider Dick Cheney was not around with his rifle.

Soft Soda
A British university suggests soft drinks can eventually lead to degenerative diseases such as Parkinson's. Fortunately you do not have the Parkinson’s before you started drinking soda, otherwise it would end up all in your face.

May 25th 2007

Bush
During a press conference president Bush said that the objective now is to secure the Iraqi Capital. Halliburton executives said that they are working hard to secure the Iraqi capital.... in the Cayman islands.

President Bush says he would leave Iraq if the Iraqi's asked him to. The problem is that every time some Iraqi official tries to get closer to the green fortified area, the shooting at him is not precisely a 21 gun salute.

Isaiah Washington
Isaiah Washington had to tape a public service announcement condemning the use of homophobic, racist and sexist language as part of his gay-hating rehab assignment. He was reluctant at first but accepted when they told him that the other choice was to tongue-kiss Elton John.

Mary-Kate Olsen
Mary-Kate Olsen will be a regular on the upcoming season of the Showtime series "Weeds". She will play a thin graceless joint.

May 24th 2007

Huge thanks to my friend Ken from Newsday, he featured one of my jokes in his great page. Gee just to see me up there with Conan, Leno, Novak and others makes me really happy. Muchas gracias......
http://www.newsday.com/search/ny-oppun245227238may24,0,5821020.story

Hillary
Hillary Clinton's deputy campaign manager suggested the Democratic presidential candidate to bypass the Iowa caucuses and focus on later contests in the nomination fight. He came to that conclusion after he heard Hillary trying to pull the Iowan accent.

Cheney
Mary Cheney, the lesbian daughter of Vice President Dick Cheney, made him a grandfather yesterday when she gave birth to a baby boy. In other news the price of gas reached another price high yesterday.

Mary Cheney, the lesbian daughter of Vice President Dick Cheney, made him a grandfather yesterday when she gave birth to a baby boy. None of the doctors dared slap the baby during the delivery to make him cry.

Democrats
Democrats caved in to President Bush’s demand Tuesday and agreed to a compromise on war funding with no benchmarks. Even the French went "That’s too much."

Edwards
John Edwards could be even richer. The presidential candidate is an investor on a company that financed the discovery of a ship laden with gold and silver which was found at the bottom of the Atlantic. This is not the first democratic candidate to claim a stake on a booty, Bill Clinton used to do it all the time.

Lindsay Lohan
The brand of vodka Svedka is paying Lindsay Lohan $400,000 to host Lindsay's 21st birthday celebration in Las Vegas. Executives of the vodka company stated that all that money is a miniscule way to pay back all the years Lohan supported them.

Michael Jackson
Prince Azim of Brunei is paying Michael Jackson $10 million to make an appearance at his birthday party in England this weekend. Fortunately for Jackson the prince is turning 25 so Jackson will be able to use that money to pay some debts, because if it was a kid’s birthday celebration he might have needed the $10 million to settle.

May 23rd 2007

Al Gore
Al Gore’s campaign advisor repeated again that if Gore loses 20 to 25 lbs he is running in 08. For the first time during the presidential campaign McCain, Romney and Giuliani made amends and sent a truck full of Krispy Kremes to Gore’s house.

During his book promotional tour Al Gore has been asked repeatedly by reporters if he’s going to lose weight, which according to his campaign advisor is a sign he’ll be running in 08. What a polite way to say, Gee you are Fat!

Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton has been photographed carrying around a Bible. She said that she didn’t become a devout Christian. She just wanted to have the bible next to her bed in her future cell to make her feel she is in a hotel room.

Question
A question: Will Alberto Gonzales take a day off for "Memorial Day?"

New York Cabs
Several Cab drivers in New York showed some discontent at Mayor Bloomberg’s idea of ordering the city's entire taxi fleet be converted to gas-electric hybrids by 2012. Taxi drivers claim they already do enough for environment by saving water showering only once a week.

Jolie
Angelina Jolie told reporters in Cannes that she plans on taking a year off after she's done with her new movie. That doesn’t mean she’ll stop acting like she is the smartest and most perfect person in the planet.

Angelina Jolie told reporters in Cannes that she plans on taking a year off after she's done with her new movie. Make it a week though, because as soon she realizes how difficult it is to take care of all the new adopted kids, she’ll choose to go back to making movies.

Immigrants
A great number of Americans are not supporting the legalization of millions of illegal immigrants because the argument of affordable lettuce at the supermarket due to cheap labor doesn’t persuade them. But what if we had illegals drilling holes for oil companies? After all they are experts at drilling holes at the border.

Paula Abdul
Paula Abdul broke her nose over the weekend after she fell while trying to avoid stepping on her Chihuahua, her publicist said Monday. Nonetheless, some people believe she got the injury in a fight over make up with Ryan Seacrest.

May 22nd 2007

Presidential Election
XM satellite Radio announced it will launch a new radio channel dedicated to the 2008 presidential election. Apparently candidates' explicit language makes it impossible to broadcast the channel in terrestrial radio.

Iraq
U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates said the clock is ticking for the Iraqi government to show that it can improve the situation. Unfortunately insurgence leaders also told the Iraqi government there are hundreds of clocks ticking a day, mostly located in cars and backpacks.

Paternity test
A paternity battle between identical twins has broken up when a judge ordered a paternity test after the mother of a 3-year-old little girl confessed she had had sex with both of them within hours of each other. The judge could not determine who the father is yet, because with identical twins the DNA is the same, but he had no problem determining that the woman was a slut.

Immigration
Senate leaders agreed Monday that they would wait until June to take final action on a bipartisan plan to give millions of unlawful immigrants legal status. Apparently they want to keep the cheap labor a little longer so they can have their backyards ready for summer.

Bush
President Bush dismissed Jimmy Carter as "increasingly irrelevant" after his harsh criticism of his administration. The president said that Carter is totally irrelevant especially after he left "The Backstreet Boys."

Ladders
The number of ladder-related injuries in the United States increased by more than 50 percent from 1990 to 2005. Apparently the increase in the use of ladders grew in the last 6 years with Americans trying to stick their heads out of the water.

May 21st 2007

Michael J. Fox
Michael J. Fox is planning a trip to Israel to find a cure for Parkinson's disease. Jewish kids are hoping the trip doesn’t mean he is going to become a rabbi.

Michael Moore
Michael Moore’s new movie "Sicko" is expected to make around $40 million at the box office in the US. In order to raise more money, producers of the movie are working on re-editing it, painting Michael Moore green and calling the movie "Shrek the fourth."

Jimmy Carter
During an interview in England former president Jimmy Carter harshly criticized President Bush. Apparently Carter feels disappointed that he is inevitably losing the title of worst president in history to Bush.

High Heels
A Philadelphia woman has created the high heel shoe with a retractable heel. So you can be straight during the day and fabulous at night, said Ryan Secrest.

A Philadelphia woman has created the high heel shoe with a retractable heel. She is getting praised by lots of women, especially hookers who’ll get to work the streets and run away faster when the cops chase them.

Students
Florida is requiring elementary students to take a half hour P.E. class each day. They are conditioning the students for High Scholl when they will need to be in shape to run away from the teachers.

Weather Service
The head of the National Weather Service and his chief deputy have announced their retirement. For the first time they were right predicting cloudy days ahead for the Bush administration.

Ladder
The number of ladder-related injuries in the United States increased by more than 50 percent from 1990 to 2005, mostly from illegal immigrants trying to cross the border.

May 20th 2007

Immigration
The immigration package announced late Thursday create a new points system for legal immigration giving credit to those people with a good level of English, skills in their profession and with no criminal records. Fortunately for Bush he is already a citizen because he would get less points than the Oakland Raiders in the last NFL season.

Leading U.S. senators reached an agreement on Thursday on immigration reform that might provide illegal immigrants now in the US with a Green card after a long wait of more than 13 years. By the time they get the Green card, it’ll be ripe already.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau one out of three people in the US is now a minority. The other two are
Latinos.

Rock Paper Scissors
Jamie Langridge won the fifty thousand dollar first prize in the Rock Paper Scissors tournament in Las Vegas Sunday. The tournament was going fine until some environmentalist wacky group led by Sheryl Crow forced to suspend it because of the large amount of paper used in the competition.

Hybrid
Toyota recently unveiled a $124,000 hybrid Lexus. Ironically the car is so expensive that only the CEO’s of oil companies can afford it.

May 18th 2007

Jenna Jameson
Porn star Jenna Jameson said that Hillary Clinton is her favorite 2008 Presidential candidate. The world's most famous porn star called Bill Clinton's Presidency the best years for the adult industry unlike the Bush's presidency which were the best years for the infant industry.

Bald Mice
Scientists were able to grow hair in bald mice. Apparently the bald mice became subconscious of their baldness when they saw themselves repeatedly eating at Taco Bell and KFC in all the news channels.

Jerry Falwell
Moral Majority founder Jerry Falwell died in his office at Liberty University Tuesday. Expect several Republican candidates to get out of the closet by the end of the week.

Whales
Scientists are using recordings of humpback whales to lure an injured whale and her calf away from Sacremento's shipping canals and back into the Pacific Ocean. Apparently it is just a recording of Rosie O'Donnell singing in the shower.

may17th 2007

Great news, one of the jokes was featured in Newsday! Thanks to my amigo ken... check it out, here's the link
http://www.newsday.com/search/ny-oppun175215552may17,0,5821020.story

Michael Moore
The Bush administration denied that their investigation on Michael Moore’s unauthorized trip to Cuba has anything to do with his political views. In fact, they decided to pay the filmmaker a future trip to Cuba with accommodations included in Guantanamo Bay.

According to Michael Moore’s producer, the controversial documentary maker is hiding his latest movie from US authorities outside the United States ahead of its screening at Cannes. Apparently the best place to hide his movie from the Bush administration is in any country that doesn’t have any oil.

Giuliani
During the GOP presidential debate, Rudi Giuliani said that if it was needed he would support the use of extreme interrogation techniques like "Waterboarding." I guess when you get married so many times, you get used to torture.

Oprah
Pictures have surfaced on the Internet of Oprah's feet looking like she has a sixth toe. Shoot! Now I am sure my wife will want one.

Paris Hilton
Kathy Hilton, Paris‘ mom, claims she wants young people to learn from her daughter Paris. She added that lessons can be seen in the instructional video "A night in Paris."

MySpace
MySpace announced it has deleted user profiles of sex offenders. Now, without the competition, it is like catching fish in a barrel for former congressman Mark Foley.

Prince Harry
The British government has announced that Prince Harry will not serve in Iraq after all. Harry showed some disappointment, he was really looking forward to going to Iraq to date some women that look hooter and have better smiles than women in his country.

May 16th 2007

Rosie
Several people, including Sean P Diddy Combs, complained last night in New York for a loud party that went on late into the night. Apparently the party was at Rosie O’Donnell’s house celebrating the death of Jerry Falwell and the firing of Donald Trump.

White TV
Latino actor George Lopez complained about the cancellation of his sitcom on ABC and said that American TV is getting whiter and whiter. He might be onto something; especially last night when on TV they aired the Academy of Country Awards Ceremony, and the GOP presidential debate.

Latino actor George Lopez complained about the cancellation of his sitcom on ABC and said that American TV is getting whiter and whiter. He might be onto something, Imus, the only one that seemed to know some of the black lingo, was fired.

GOP Debate
GOP presidential candidates gathered at the University of South Carolina to hold their second debate last night. The candidates continue showing signs that they do not want President Bush to be part of their campaigns that’s why they held the first debate in a library and the second at a University.

Jerry Falwell
Despite his controversial stance, followers of the Reverend Jerry Falwell agreed the doors of heaven will be wide open for him. Wide open because he would not fit in if they were half open.

Internet
A new study says the Internet can actually encourage people to exercise, especially those who try to run away to avoid being filmed by the camera crew of Catch a Predator.

Hillary
Hillary Clinton's campaign said Monday she will begin sending text messages to everyone's cell phones to win support. Finally she realized most people hate when she talks.

Fred Thompson
NBC's top entertainment executive said Monday that he does not expect to call Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson back on "Law & Order" for next season because Thompson could end up being the future president. That's why they are thinking of calling Dennis Kucinich.

May 15th 2007

Mitt Romney
During an interview with 60 minutes GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney scored big points among conservatives when he said he had no premarital sex with his now wife. He also scored big points among liberals because when he answered the question he said "I did not have premarital sex with that woman."

Republican Mitt Romney is expected to report financial assets between $190 million and $250 million. Democrat John Kerry is expected to propose to him.

Brokeback Mountain
A girl and her grandparents have sued the Chicago Board of Education, alleging that a substitute teacher showed the R-rated film Brokeback Mountain in class. The teacher claims the showing was part of the Bush administration program "No children’s behind left" to recruit pages for the U.S. congress.

Grenade
Another grenade was discovered in a portable toilet in Richmond Park, California Monday, the third grenade discovery incident in three days. Police recommended that if you really want to cover your fart noises when you are defecating, flushing the toilet would be enough.

Bush
After delivering a speech in Virginia, President Bush surprised everyone when he suddenly stepped in and conducted the orchestra that was there to play music for his exit. Apparently, is not enough with being the decider and the commander, not he wants to be the conductor.

Iraq
Iraq's interior ministry has decided to bar news photographers and camera operators from the scenes of bomb attacks because they don’t want to give terrorists information that they achieved their goals. Apparently they are going to allow only Katie Couric’s camera crew, because not even terrorists watch her show.

Stallone Sylvester
Stallone has pleaded guilty to bringing Human Growth Hormone to Australia. He also pleaded guilty to bringing Rocky 5 and 6.

We all go postal
Stamps went up to 41 cents. Unfortunately the US postal office will not enjoy a growth in their revenues because now they are forced to hire bodyguards to protect the mail carriers.

Let’s go nuts
On Saturday, more than 300 people showed up at the ninth annual Testicle Festival at Mama's Place Bar and Grill in Elderon, in central Wisconsin, and paid $5 for all-you-can-eat deep fried goat, lamb and bull’s testicles. They expected more people but some decided not to pay to eat fried animal testicles and got them for free in any of the California fires.

May 14th 2007

Fake Attack
Staff members of an elementary school staged a fictitious gun attack on students during a class trip, telling them it was not a drill as the children cried and hid under tables. Apparently the kids were not as scared of the shooter as they were of Geraldo and a swarm of reporters showing up to cover the story later.

Iraq
The Iraqi Parliament decided Friday to take a two-month vacation as American troops patrol the streets. It seems that president Bush has done a great job making the Iraqi parliament look more and more like our congress.

Congress
Congress' approval rating is down to 35%. Or as President Bush calls it "the good old days."

Paris
According to several tabloids Paris Hilton was advised to take self –defense classes to face her days in jail. Apparently Paris refused to take self-defense classes because she said she is sure she won’t attack herself.

Nudist
Solair Recreation League, a nudist camp in northeastern Connecticut, is offering deep discounts to young people to join the nudist camps. They charge $150 for college students, $300 for people younger than 40 and $500 for people older than 40. It seems that if you are Mick Jagger you will probably end up paying a fortune.

May 13th 2007

Iraq
The Bush administration admitted that success in Iraq means a country with relative peace because zero car-bombing is virtually impossible in Iraq. The least we can hope for is that the cars used for car-bombings are Hybrids.

Following a pentagon briefing president Bush answered questions about the need for a change in Iraq and said that there are two clocks ticking one in Washington and one in Iraq. He was immediately corrected by a General who said that in Iraq there are hundred of clocks ticking a day, mostly located in cars and backpacks.

Three-limbed driver
A man who lost his two arms and one leg in a childhood accident and went on to become the Tampa Florida area's most notorious bad driver is jailed in lieu of $500,000 bond. He’s got the money and he would love to pay the bond but unfortunately all his money is in his pockets.

A man who lost his two arms and one leg in a childhood accident and went on to become the Tampa Florida area's most notorious bad driver is jailed in lieu of $500,000 bond. He said he is not a little bit worried about going to jail, because there’s no chance he’ll pick any soap in the showers.

A man who lost his two arms and one leg in a childhood accident was arrested Wednesday morning, the day after he led police on a high-speed chase and was able to escape. The cops were impressed with the three-limbed man’s skills to drive and the fact that while driving he was text-messaging his girlfriend.

May 11th 2007

Paris
Paris Hilton has been sentenced to 45 days in jail for violating her drivers' license suspension. She makes millions just to show up in different places; ironically millions are what she is spending now not to show up in one place: Jail

Divorce
America's divorce rate is at its lowest point since 1970. Apparently the high cost of gas forces people to remain together so they can continue car-pooling.

America's divorce rate is at its lowest point since 1970. Mostly because it would not look good for Republican presidential candidates to get divorce in the middle of their political campaign.

Good news for people with high moral values: America's divorce rate is at its lowest point since 1970. Bad news, apparently cheating is not a cause for divorce anymore.

Throat
According to a latest study people who have engaged in oral sex with more than six partners over the course of their lifetime were nine times more likely to develop throat cancer. There it goes the chances for Monica Lewinsky to ever host a radio show.

May 10th 2007

OJ
OJ was thrown out of an upscale steak house in Louisville. According to OJ’s lawyer the tossing was racially motivated. Apparently the same restaurant served Phil Spector last week.

The owner of an upscale steakhouse in Louisville asked O.J. Simpson to leave his restaurant the night before the Kentucky Derby. Apparently the owner claimed that he wanted to help OJ because with so many sharp knives at hand and so many blondes in the joint it was like having a kid in a candy store for OJ: too tempting.

Gas
A service station that offered discounted gas to senior citizens and people supporting youth sports has been ordered by the state to raise its prices. City officials claimed that they were afraid a place with cheap gas would have made Dick Cheney try to liberate it.

McDonald's
McDonald's says its sales climbed 4.8% in April. Executives said that the climb was only 4.8 % because they lost the rat market to KFC and Taco Bell.

McDonald's says its sales climbed 4.8% in April thanks to David Hasselhoff’s regular visits.

Botox
According to Dermatologists, people who have used Botox have also experienced a reduction in perspiration. This could be a misleading study because those people in Hollywood that used Botox have never move a finger anyway.

Cheney
According to some political Websites Dick Cheney was one of the frequent visitors of the infamous DC madam, but ABC was forced to keep his name out of the media. Why would the vice president pay to screw somebody if he’s been screwing the entire country for free for the last 6 years?

The Associated Press reported that the U.S. Embassy in Iraq issued a strict new order telling all employees to wear flak vests and helmets. Apparently, the order didn’t come because an increase in mortar attacks on the Green Zone, but rather because they knew Cheney was going to visit Baghdad.

Yahoo
Yahoo Inc. has told users it will shut down its North American Web auction site because it generated almost no revenues. Apparently their going to auction it on e-Bay.

May 9th 2007

Foiled Attack
The six men charged with planning an attack to kill several hundred U.S. soldiers at Fort Dix, N.J., thought they would have easy access to the base by pretending to deliver pizzas. We’re screwed, they already know our weaknesses.

One of the suspects charged with planning an attack to kill several hundred U.S. soldiers at Fort Dix was a pizza deliveryman who used his job to scout out the military base. Apparently soldiers became suspicious because the pizza was delivered in time and always hot.

Paris
According to a recent poll 95 percent of the surveyed people want Paris Hilton to go to jail. The other 5 percent are the inmates in Paris’ future penitentiary who are afraid of catching various diseases from her.

Hillary
The Hillary Clinton campaign was quick to dismiss comparisons between their candidate and the classy and beautiful female socialist counterpart that lost the presidential elections in France. Actually it was Bill that with a sad face said that they don’t look similar at all.

Mickey
A Hamas TV station is using a ripoff of Mickey Mouse to sell hatred of Israel to kids. They already stoned Minnie for wearing a shot skirt.

Knut
Knut, the most celebrated polar bear on the planet who captivated the world and was featured in several web videos, is losing its cuteness. According to a Berlin Zoo vet, now that it's growing up, its nose got longer and it gained weight. Experts advised Knut to shave its head and go to rehab to see if that can keep it in the spot light.

TV
Statistics show that more than 2.5 million fewer people were watching ABC, CBS, NBC and Fox than at the same time last year. Apparently those 2.5 million are not watching TV because they are working for reality TV shows.

May 8th 2007

LAPD
60 members of an elite squad that swarmed into MacArthur Park in LA and fired rubber bullets during a May Day immigration rally are no longer on the street and have been reassigned. Apparently they are all going to work as cameraman for Lou Dobbs.

Bush
The latest Newsweek poll puts President Bush's approval rating at 28% still too high to replace Katie Couric.

Clemens
Roger Clemens signed a $28,000,022 one-year contract with the Yankees. Clemens wanted to make clear he is not doing this for the dollars, and that the $28 millions is just for gas money.

Queen
Queen Elizabeth is visiting the US. Some political analysts believe she came to reinforce the ties with the Bush administration, but other think she is just here to promote Pirates of the Caribbean III

May 7th 2007

Secret Service Protection
Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama, has been placed under the protection of the Secret Service, the agency said Thursday. Apparently when Rudy Giuliani asked for extra protection, the secret service provided him with a box of condoms.

Hasselhoff
Entertainment Tonight aired a video that depicts an inebriated DavidHasselhoff, clad only in blue jeans, lying on the floor of a room andclumsily eating a hamburger. People started suspecting he had an alcohol problem when he said his car was talking to him.

Paris Hilton
A judge sentenced Paris Hilton to 45 days in jail on Friday for violating her probation. According to legal experts Hilton will more than likely be segregated from the general population in jail, not because she is a celebrity, but rather because they are afraid the inmates can catch various diseases from her.

Boxing match
FightFloyd Mayweather Jr. beat Oscar de la Hoya in a split decision. It waspromoted as the fight between "The Golden Boy Vs. The Pretty Boy" and the publicity worked, because Marc
Foley and Michael Jackson both got tickets on first row.

Hillary
HillaryFormer president Bill Clinton is helping his wife Hillary to raise moneycharging up to $2,300 dollars to those who want to hear him speak. Hillary is charging double for those who do not want to hear her.

eBay
WifeA Brazilian man offered his wife for sale on eBay for $50. He even offered to pay cash.

Home Depot
Home Depot is planning to offer smaller stores in areas where bigger stores aren't practical. The New Home Depot will accommodate no more than 2 to 3 illlegals waiting to be hired in their parking lot.

Gravity
Alexander Loucopoulos proposed Saturday to his girlfriend G, a 27-year-old space enthusiast, on a 90-minute zero-gravity flight aboard a Boeing 727. They both will definitely miss zero-gravity a couple of years into the marriage when things start falling.

Lust in Translation
According to Pamela Druckerman, author of "Lust in Translation,” Americans outdid the French when it came to cheating. The book states that Americans grew more tolerant on practically every major sexual issue from having a child out of wedlock to divorce and homosexuality. Apparently the survey was done only among Republican presidential candidates.

May 6th 2007

Man Jailed Over Breasts
A London man has been sentenced to 20 months in jail for reportedly kidnapping his wife to stop her from having surgery to enlarge her breasts. Ironically he’ll have plenty of chances to get intimate with really flat-chested people in jail.

A London man has been sentenced to 20 months in jail for reportedly kidnapping his wife to stop her from having surgery to enlarge her breasts. The police are not sure if the guy committed a felony but decided to arrest him just for being an idiot.

Hasselhoff
Entertainment Tonight aired a video that depicts an inebriated David Hasselhoff, clad only in blue jeans, lying on the floor of a room and clumsily eating a hamburger. Apparently now that Paris Hilton is heading to jail, Carl’s Jr restaurants decided to get him on top of the Knight Rider and shoot their next TV ad.

Queen
The White House is getting ready for the visit of the Queen this Sunday. President Bush was surprised when asked about the visit of the Queen and said he didn’t know former New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey was in town.

Arrests in Mexico
Mexican authorities arrested five U.S. citizens today and accused them of trying to kidnap two men in Mexico. The news made huge headlines over the US because nobody could believe there were still Mexicans living in Mexico.

Mexican authorities arrested five U.S. citizens today and accused them of trying to kidnap two men in Mexico. These Wal-Mart executives are insatiable!

Mexico
Mexico's demographics agency found that an average of 577,000 people migrated to the U.S. each year between 2000-2005, compared to 495,000 deaths a year in the same period. Lou Dobbs and the LAPD police said they are working hard to level those numbers in both ends.

May 4th 2007

God Exists
Christian Author Ray Comfort said he will prove undoubtedly that God exists in a debate ABC will air Wednesday in which he and actor Kirk Cameron will square off with two atheists. He already got me convinced of the existence of God, because only a miracle would make nowadays a debate like that possible on one of the big Networks.

Time Magazine
"Time" magazine has decided not to include President Bush in its annual "100 Most Influential People" list. I happen to disagree with that, president Bush continues to influence me into believing that someone not that smart, and with bad English can be president.

Time" magazine has decided not to include President Bush in its annual "100 Most Influential People" list. Thousand of comedians disagree and claim Bush continues to influence them to write hundreds of jokes about him.

The same day "Time" Magazine decided not include President Bush in its annual 100 most influential people list, none of the GOP presidential candidates mentioned his name once during Thursday’s presidential debate. What makes you think: what came first, the chicken or the egg??

Expensive pants
An Administrative Law Judge in Washington, D.C., Roy Pearson Jr., is suing his dry cleaner for more than $65 million over a supposedly lost pair of pants. Apparently he claims he left $65 million dollars in change in their pockets.

GOP debate
MSNBC televised the Republicans presidential candidates’ debate held at the Ronald Reagan Library in Simi Valley Thursday. There were more blacks at the Talladega Super speedway or any of the NHL playoffs games than at the Ronald Reagan library that day.

May 3rd 2007

GOP Debate
The Republican Party will hold its first presidential candidates debate, Thursday. None of the candidates want to be associated or seen with President Bush that is why the debate will be held at the Ronald Reagan Library.

The Republican Party will hold its first presidential candidates debate at the Ronald Reagan Library, Thursday. Hundreds of extra seats had to be added to accommodate the attendees, mostly candidate’s wives and former wives.

Britney Spears
Britney Spears made her "comeback" performance on Tuesday night at the House of Blues in San Diego with a performance that only lasted 15 minutes. But what angered people the most was her excuse for it, especially when she said that she had to cut her concert short to take care of her two babies.

Britney Spears made her "comeback" performance on Tuesday night at the House of Blues in San Diego with a performance that only lasted 15 minutes. Apparently they are setting rehab curfews very early these days.

Britney Spears made her "comeback" performance on Tuesday night at the House of Blues in San Diego. People who were there are pretty much unanimously of the opinion that Britney lip-synched the entire performance; that’s one of the disadvantages of not wearing underwear.

Kate Moss
Kate Moss new clothing line was a disappointment by most of British designers. Apparently they didn’t like the pipe and syringe pockets.

Lobster
Mexican scientists say they have discovered the world's oldest lobster fossil, which could be about 120 million years old. American scientists disputed that discovery and said that if you want an older lobster you just go to "Red Lobster."

Iran
Iran has extended $1 billion in loans for reconstruction projects in Iraq. Apparently Iranian officials were worried because insurgency attacks are not leaving any buildings for them to blow in the future.

O’ Reilly
A new study by Indiana University media researchers found that Fox News host Bill O'Reilly calls "a person or a group a derogatory name once every 6.8 seconds during the editorials that open his program each night.” O’ Reilly said that those evil jerks from the University of Indiana were lying. 7 seconds later he called them "villain son of a bitches."

New York
According to a new worldwide study by the University of Hertfordshire in England, New Yorkers are only the eighth fastest walkers in the world. Apparently they climb to the number 1 place if the research is done among the Yankee fans abandoning the Yankee stadium at the 8th inning.

May 2nd 2007

GOP Debate
The Republican Party will hold its first presidential candidates debate at the Ronald Reagan Library, Thursday. Candidates carefully selected the venue, big enough to accommodate their hundreds of wives and the fact that the place is a library guarantees Bush’s absence.

Oil
Venezuela stripped the world's biggest oil companies of operational control over its massive Orinoco Belt crude projects. President Hugo Chavez called the White House and asked Bush if he could borrow the Mission Accomplished banner.

Venezuela stripped the world's biggest oil companies of operational control over its massive Orinoco Belt crude projects, to what Dick Cheney said “Oh, that’s how you do it!!!"

Immigration
Nationwide immigration rallies Tuesday produced only a fraction of the more than a million protesters who turned out last year. Organizers confessed that a great number of Latinos didn’t participate because they were afraid to be mistaken for Alberto Gonzales.

Nationwide immigration rallies Tuesday produced only a fraction of the more than a million protesters who turned out last year. Organizers confessed that a great number of Latinos didn’t participate because they were afraid they could get recruited by the Yankees.

Immigration rallies were held throughout the entire country yesterday. Tons of Americans marched alongside the Latinos. I saw Randall Tobias looking for Central American girls for some foreign assistance.

Nationwide immigration rallies Tuesday produced only a fraction of the more than a million protesters who turned out last year. Organizers confessed that the march didn’t do that well because a great number of Latinos are becoming more and more Americanized.

NASCAR
Talladega Super speedway has permanently banned 14 fans from buying tickets at the speedway for throwing objects on the track after Jeff Gordon's victory in the Aaron's 499. Organizers were mad because the fans missed Gordon.

Bush
A top US congressional Democrat has raised the possibility of George W. Bush's impeachment. The president denied being worried and said that he is not a little bit concerned about it because there’s no I in Mpeachment. (Sorry, I was advised no to write this stupid joke)

Gore
Visitors to the Gaia Napa Valley Hotel and Spa will find a copy of ``An Inconvenient Truth,'' former Vice President Al Gore's book about global warming instead of the usual bible. According to the hotel manager they firmly believe in recycling and it is not sacrilegious to wipe your ass with Gore’s book.

May 1st 2007

Bush
President Bush ignored former CIA George Tenet’s accusations and said he doesn’t have time to read Tenet’s memoirs because he is saving his reading time for Alberto Gonzales’ memoirs.

Classroom Evacuation
Classrooms at a Des Moines Area Community College were evacuated over a suspicious package that actually contained 500 condoms. Students didn’t leave the building over the fear of a bomb, but rather because the package with 500 condoms was bought by the teachers.

Pilot
A blind British pilot accomplished his dream and completed a record-breaking flight halfway around the world. Actually he was just stuck all the time on a Jetblue on the runway, but nobody dared tell him the truth.

Alec Baldwin
Alec Baldwin is releasing a book about divorced parents and child custody. He expects to do most of the money with the audio tapes.

Phone Numbers
Members of both parties are working together on a new National Do not Call Registry number that would immediately bump off your number, not of any telemarketer list, but from Deborah Palfrey, the D.C. Madam’s phone list.

The View
The two big names so far to replace Rosie O’Donnell in The View are Rosanne Barr and Joan Rivers. Apparently they wanted to replace Rosie by someone in the 200s.... 200 lbs or 200 years old.

American Idol
Last Week American Idol had a special show called "Idol Gives Back" where they raised tons of money for the needy: poor kids in Africa and Katrina and some former American Idol contestants.

Voting
According to a recent study, the United States has an average turnout in presidential elections of 48.3 percent and ranked 139th out of 172 countries surveyed. It is ironic that such a small turnout would elect the president of the United States and the presidents of several other countries in the world.